how long until I find another that will crack  me right open?

you live there now
taken up real estate
built a home there
welcome

What was the last thing I said to you before we went back to being strangers?

how many times have I tried to text you “I love you”, just to erase it before pressing send? too many times to count.

I vibrate at a different frequency
It lingers for hours after
I’m dizzy with want

it’s not flashy and loud
it comes in like thunder
unexpected
but when it arrives
it can’t be ignored

it’s heartbreaking,
nothing is permanent.

on the bright side,
nothing is permanent

I would write you handwritten love letters
Sing to you endless songs
Have your head rest on my chest
Wrap my legs around yours

Let you kiss my forehead
Move a strand of hair behind my ear
Kiss you soft
Then hard
Then soft again

of not being anything more
of you making me full body laugh
of me suppressing all the things I want to say
of me fighting what my body wants to do

but I remind myself
You’re not mine
Never was
What’s really slipping away
Is the possibility of us

do you think of me?
in your wet dreams while you sleep?
you appear in mine.

nothing quite as sad as realizing you were in love alone
realizing you were hoping for things, alone.

I broke and ended up initiating plans
It’s wise to not share space alone
Inside four walls, I wander
Almost forget who I am and
Run to the arms of another
I wonder if there will be a day
when you don’t cross my mind?

felt like a high school daydream
you pointed out constellations,
but the wind hurt my face and I just wanted to wrap myself in you
On the swings, I asked you to push me
claiming I wanted help building momentum
but it was an excuse to be touched by you
I am shameless
I am sad
my mind is beautiful and soft and hopes that you feel as anxious and dizzy around me as I do around you.

falling for you
is like wishing for rain on a sunny day

deleted implies that my words to you still exist somewhere.
found hidden between the white lies and rough drafts.
but to say that I’m erased from your thoughts,
that means persistent friction was applied to remove me.
that my feelings for you are gone.

Thinking someday I will cease to exist
A part of me wants to live forever
In the cloud
In your synapses
In your arms

when I’m filled by you,
I feel significantly less empty.
when I lay with you,
I feel significantly less alone.

I cannot understand why two halves make a whole. Yet, you and I don’t.

I cannot understand my cat wants kisses immediately after breaking my skin.

I cannot understand why I’m here and not falling down a hill.

I cannot understand why I have all the ingredients to make happiness yet it evades me.

I wish I could hold your body up against mine.
For longer than 5 seconds.
Long enough that I could breathe you in.
That I could feel your body react to mine.

I wish I could stare into your eyes and not have us look away.
I wish so many other things but most wishes don’t come true.

we look at each other like we are just about to kiss.
we look at each other like we see ourselves.

to find what you weren’t even looking for.
I wonder if it’s rare, what we have.
no missed beats.
just a mutual agreement to leave things unsaid.

I’m just aware it won’t happen now

You have me off-kilter
I can’t wait to see you
I long to be alone with you
I know I’m playing with fire
I want to burn

an ocean exists between us
vast, deep and full of life
dangerous, thrilling and beautiful
am I willing to risk it all to cross it?

I wonder if you are watching me as intently as I’m watching you.
Your hands fidgeting.
I fight not to stop them
with mine.
We can hardly match eyes,
worried that it might stir too much.
Worried that we might ruin what we have with something more.

it's difficult to complain to you about anything
i didn't have to leave my country behind
i don't know what it's like to be hungry
i didn't start in a new country, where i didn't speak the language, all by myself at 14

but i know i also struggle
that my pain is real too
i wish we could share our pain and grow together in it

but i can't talk about it
to most people, never mind you
maybe i'm scared that my problems aren't big enough
or maybe i'm scared that saying them out loud confirms what i already know
that i'm broken

I want to wrap myself up in you
Get lost in your body and have you get lost in mine.

don’t respond too soon
don’t dig deeper
don’t let yourself feel anything more

I could be yours
you could be mine

in those moments before you close your eyes and drift to sleep?
when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal?
when you wash behind your knees in the shower?
when you button your shirt up to the collar?
when you quietly come?

I hope you do.

from feeling so much it felt like I’d burst
to feeling almost nothing at all

this is different
it is special
it is complicated
it’s not all in my head

I see two hummingbirds
Sweetly dancing together in the air
I wonder if they know what sadness is
That their joy is temporary

your fingers, my mouth
I press my *** against you
an invitation

sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to lie with another.

would I smell different?
would I breathe different?
would I sound different?
would I taste different?
would I feel different?

I only sometimes wonder though.

I can’t stop the words from leaving my lips
but at the same time I can’t find the right words to say.

you set something in me on fire
is it ***?
is it my soul?
is it my heart?

unsure, but I like it.

Than strangers that were once lovers.

my mouth, lucky to repeat it.

it’s becoming overwhelmingly clear that it’s all in my head
I’ve always had an active imagination and often dream of feelings that do not exist

it is tiring
fighting the urge to grab your hand
seeing the curve of your sweet mouth and not being able to meet it with mine

noun
“things that exist or are used or enjoyed for only a short time”

or in other words,

me.

that there are so many people who love each other but are too afraid to say something or make a move
that all that potential energy goes to waste
when it could become something much more

I want you.
To whisper my name.
To run your fingers through my hair.
To kiss the nape of my neck.
To lick me off your lips.

To allow me to live in your thoughts forever.

this thing between us reminds me of silence
once something is said, it’ll no longer exist

I see the world with such admiration and wonder. Imagine if I could save just a fraction of that love for myself?

that I love you?
I know it’s not practical or fair.
That our love could never break the surface.
That it’s roots be doomed to grow underground.
Hidden.