how long until I find another that will crack  me right open?

how many times have I tried to text you “I love you”, just to erase it before pressing send? too many times to count.

you live there now
taken up real estate
built a home there
welcome

What was the last thing I said to you before we went back to being strangers?

I vibrate at a different frequency
It lingers for hours after
I’m dizzy with want

nothing quite as sad as realizing you were in love alone
realizing you were hoping for things, alone.

it’s heartbreaking,
nothing is permanent.

on the bright side,
nothing is permanent

do you think of me?
in your wet dreams while you sleep?
you appear in mine.

of not being anything more
of you making me full body laugh
of me suppressing all the things I want to say
of me fighting what my body wants to do

but I remind myself
You’re not mine
Never was
What’s really slipping away
Is the possibility of us

felt like a high school daydream
you pointed out constellations,
but the wind hurt my face and I just wanted to wrap myself in you
On the swings, I asked you to push me
claiming I wanted help building momentum
but it was an excuse to be touched by you
I am shameless
I am sad
my mind is beautiful and soft and hopes that you feel as anxious and dizzy around me as I do around you.

it’s not flashy and loud
it comes in like thunder
unexpected
but when it arrives
it can’t be ignored

falling for you
is like wishing for rain on a sunny day

deleted implies that my words to you still exist somewhere.
found hidden between the white lies and rough drafts.
but to say that I’m erased from your thoughts,
that means persistent friction was applied to remove me.
that my feelings for you are gone.

Thinking someday I will cease to exist
A part of me wants to live forever
In the cloud
In your synapses
In your arms

I broke and ended up initiating plans
It’s wise to not share space alone
Inside four walls, I wander
Almost forget who I am and
Run to the arms of another
I wonder if there will be a day
when you don’t cross my mind?

I would write you handwritten love letters
Sing to you endless songs
Have your head rest on my chest
Wrap my legs around yours

Let you kiss my forehead
Move a strand of hair behind my ear
Kiss you soft
Then hard
Then soft again

I cannot understand why two halves make a whole. Yet, you and I don’t.

I cannot understand my cat wants kisses immediately after breaking my skin.

I cannot understand why I’m here and not falling down a hill.

I cannot understand why I have all the ingredients to make happiness yet it evades me.

Than strangers that were once lovers.

I’m just aware it won’t happen now

an ocean exists between us
vast, deep and full of life
dangerous, thrilling and beautiful
am I willing to risk it all to cross it?

it is tiring
fighting the urge to grab your hand
seeing the curve of your sweet mouth and not being able to meet it with mine

I could be yours
you could be mine

I want to wrap myself up in you
Get lost in your body and have you get lost in mine.

to find what you weren’t even looking for.
I wonder if it’s rare, what we have.
no missed beats.
just a mutual agreement to leave things unsaid.

it's difficult to complain to you about anything
i didn't have to leave my country behind
i don't know what it's like to be hungry
i didn't start in a new country, where i didn't speak the language, all by myself at 14

but i know i also struggle
that my pain is real too
i wish we could share our pain and grow together in it

but i can't talk about it
to most people, never mind you
maybe i'm scared that my problems aren't big enough
or maybe i'm scared that saying them out loud confirms what i already know
that i'm broken

when I’m filled by you,
I feel significantly less empty.
when I lay with you,
I feel significantly less alone.

this thing between us reminds me of silence
once something is said, it’ll no longer exist

your fingers, my mouth
I press my *** against you
an invitation

don’t respond too soon
don’t dig deeper
don’t let yourself feel anything more

we look at each other like we are just about to kiss.
we look at each other like we see ourselves.

I see two hummingbirds
Sweetly dancing together in the air
I wonder if they know what sadness is
That their joy is temporary

I’m the sun that brings warmth
That makes you feel alive

But I feel nothing from that

I want to be a black hole
Unknown, unpredictable
To matter

this is different
it is special
it is complicated
it’s not all in my head

I wonder if you are watching me as intently as I’m watching you.
Your hands fidgeting.
I fight not to stop them
with mine.
We can hardly match eyes,
worried that it might stir too much.
Worried that we might ruin what we have with something more.

you set something in me on fire
is it ***?
is it my soul?
is it my heart?

unsure, but I like it.

noun
“things that exist or are used or enjoyed for only a short time”

or in other words,

me.

You have me off-kilter
I can’t wait to see you
I long to be alone with you
I know I’m playing with fire
I want to burn

from feeling so much it felt like I’d burst
to feeling almost nothing at all

my mouth, lucky to repeat it.

in the cold light of day
I looked for my socks and clothes
removed quickly amidst the passion
I shouldn’t have come
But I did.

that there are so many people who love each other but are too afraid to say something or make a move
that all that potential energy goes to waste
when it could become something much more

sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to lie with another.

would I smell different?
would I breathe different?
would I sound different?
would I taste different?
would I feel different?

I only sometimes wonder though.

I wish I could hold your body up against mine.
For longer than 5 seconds.
Long enough that I could breathe you in.
That I could feel your body react to mine.

I wish I could stare into your eyes and not have us look away.
I wish so many other things but most wishes don’t come true.

that I love you?
I know it’s not practical or fair.
That our love could never break the surface.
That it’s roots be doomed to grow underground.
Hidden.

in those moments before you close your eyes and drift to sleep?
when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal?
when you wash behind your knees in the shower?
when you button your shirt up to the collar?
when you quietly come?

I hope you do.

it’s becoming overwhelmingly clear that it’s all in my head
I’ve always had an active imagination and often dream of feelings that do not exist

I want you.
To whisper my name.
To run your fingers through my hair.
To kiss the nape of my neck.
To lick me off your lips.

To allow me to live in your thoughts forever.