nothing quite as sad as realizing you were in love alone
realizing you were hoping for things, alone.

how many times have I tried to text you “I love you”, just to erase it before pressing send? too many times to count.

I broke and ended up initiating plans
It’s wise to not share space alone
Inside four walls, I wander
Almost forget who I am and
Run to the arms of another
I wonder if there will be a day
when you don’t cross my mind?

felt like a high school daydream
you pointed out constellations,
but the wind hurt my face and I just wanted to wrap myself in you
On the swings, I asked you to push me
claiming I wanted help building momentum
but it was an excuse to be touched by you
I am shameless
I am sad
my mind is beautiful and soft and hopes that you feel as anxious and dizzy around me as I do around you.

how long until I find another that will crack  me right open?

I vibrate at a different frequency
It lingers for hours after
I’m dizzy with want

of not being anything more
of you making me full body laugh
of me suppressing all the things I want to say
of me fighting what my body wants to do

I cannot understand why two halves make a whole. Yet, you and I don’t.

I cannot understand my cat wants kisses immediately after breaking my skin.

I cannot understand why I’m here and not falling down a hill.

I cannot understand why I have all the ingredients to make happiness yet it evades me.

but I remind myself
You’re not mine
Never was
What’s really slipping away
Is the possibility of us

that I love you?
I know it’s not practical or fair.
That our love could never break the surface.
That it’s roots be doomed to grow underground.
Hidden.

the words that wish to come out of my mouth
are slowly being held back by logic
my body aches wanting your kiss
it aches to feel the warmth of your hand

I see the world with such admiration and wonder. Imagine if I could save just a fraction of that love for myself?

I find myself not wanting to say goodbye.
Looking for ways to stay longer.
I can’t remember the last time I felt something just from fingers briefly touching.
I think I’d pass out if we shared anything more.

I can tell from personal experience
that type of love isn’t sustainable.
you can’t get lost in someone that deeply and still keep yourself.

What was the last thing I said to you before we went back to being strangers?

your fingers, my mouth
I press my *** against you
an invitation

the minute i leave you

to find what you weren’t even looking for.
I wonder if it’s rare, what we have.
no missed beats.
just a mutual agreement to leave things unsaid.

it’s not flashy and loud
it comes in like thunder
unexpected
but when it arrives
it can’t be ignored

0 days since my feelings went away.

deleted implies that my words to you still exist somewhere.
found hidden between the white lies and rough drafts.
but to say that I’m erased from your thoughts,
that means persistent friction was applied to remove me.
that my feelings for you are gone.

I would write you handwritten love letters
Sing to you endless songs
Have your head rest on my chest
Wrap my legs around yours

Let you kiss my forehead
Move a strand of hair behind my ear
Kiss you soft
Then hard
Then soft again

when I’m filled by you,
I feel significantly less empty.
when I lay with you,
I feel significantly less alone.

You’re always telling me life is sadness
the world is hard
we are bound to suffer.

I’d like to hold and kiss you
Make it slightly better
Prove you wrong.

I used to kneel in church,
Bowed my head in reverence.
I can’t convince myself to believe anymore.
I wish I could.
I wonder if I’m searching for meaning elsewhere.
Maybe in myself.
I want others to kneel with me,
Bow their heads in reverence.

we look at each other like we are just about to kiss.
we look at each other like we see ourselves.

I see two hummingbirds
Sweetly dancing together in the air
I wonder if they know what sadness is
That their joy is temporary

don’t respond too soon
don’t dig deeper
don’t let yourself feel anything more

this is different
it is special
it is complicated
it’s not all in my head

I’m just aware it won’t happen now

from feeling so much it felt like I’d burst
to feeling almost nothing at all

It has been building up
I knew it would have to come out eventually
But I said too much and I see that now.

If your pupils dilate when you see me.
If your palms get sweaty, your heart race increases.
Your smile breaks me right open.
I can’t stop staring at your mouth,
I can’t stop imagining your arms around me.

The night is quiet and I just want you to know,
I love you
Without expectations or hopes
Just that I love you

it hurts me to see you in pain
i want to comfort you
softly and inappropriately

You told me that you wish that you felt something for anything or anyone.
I wish you’d feel everything for me.

do you think of me?
in your wet dreams while you sleep?
you appear in mine.

and I’d rather be on the tip of yours.

it feels like I’m stuck in fast forward
like I can’t breathe
like everything is brighter
and louder
I can’t focus
I can’t imagine a time I don’t feel this way
I don’t feel like me

noun
“things that exist or are used or enjoyed for only a short time”

or in other words,

me.

it's just my body releasing too much dopamine
I can't sleep after seeing you
I can't think straight
but love isn't one sided
or it shouldn't be
it's an active choice
and this doesn't feel like that
it feels like losing control

you live there now
taken up real estate
built a home there
welcome

Thinking someday I will cease to exist
A part of me wants to live forever
In the cloud
In your synapses
In your arms

You have me off-kilter
I can’t wait to see you
I long to be alone with you
I know I’m playing with fire
I want to burn

an ocean exists between us
vast, deep and full of life
dangerous, thrilling and beautiful
am I willing to risk it all to cross it?

I wonder if you are watching me as intently as I’m watching you.
Your hands fidgeting.
I fight not to stop them
with mine.
We can hardly match eyes,
worried that it might stir too much.
Worried that we might ruin what we have with something more.

I wish I could hold your body up against mine.
For longer than 5 seconds.
Long enough that I could breathe you in.
That I could feel your body react to mine.

I wish I could stare into your eyes and not have us look away.
I wish so many other things but most wishes don’t come true.

that there are so many people who love each other but are too afraid to say something or make a move
that all that potential energy goes to waste
when it could become something much more

it’s becoming overwhelmingly clear that it’s all in my head
I’ve always had an active imagination and often dream of feelings that do not exist