In our dreams
let's share our stories,
our failures,
our passion,
but not our hearts.

Thank you for breaking my heart,
Because of that I learned that I’m capable of feeling and giving love.
Thank you for choosing to leave,
Because of that I learned that I get myself attached to someone too soon.
Thank you for keeping the distance,
Because of that I learned to treasure my personal time.
Thank you for not loving me,
Because of that I know that someday, someone will love me and be sure of me.
For now I will continue to put up my wall and guard my heart.
Thank you for the memories.
Thank you

Dear God,
forgive me if I told you not today.

When the rope inside my cabinet suddenly fall
and my brain cells start screaming to try it on.

When I saw a car driving at 120kph
and my feet itches to stop it.

When I saw my brother's sleeping pills
and my throat yells to swallow it all.

Or when my eyebrow shaver waves at me
and my wrists want to be written at.

Forgive me if I told you not today.

When I saw my niece smiling at me
and I suddenly want to witness how she grows.

When I saw the sun shines the sky even in light of the storm.

When I feel so down but people start cheering me on.

Maybe 2 weeks from now.
I can finally agree.
But maybe not.

I'm the class clown,
The bright yellow icing in a dull cupcake,
The rare music fair in town.

I'm the internet´s viner,
The one who tells joke in a party,
The one who secretly have tinder.

I'm the joy in every occasion,
The sunshine in every rain,
The one who never had permanent position.

Though sometimes I love who am I,
But this is not the path I like,
For making everbody happy is hard,
When you are breaking inside.

I long for thy love that makes me blush:
The sweet notes every morning,
The random kisses when you meet,
And the cuddles at night.

I long for thy love that makes me sane:
The endless calls that motivates,
The simple touch that keeps you heart alert,
And the silly winks during dinner date.

And I wonder if I will still have the chance to feel those,
Because I know that there's possibility that I won't.
So should I prepare myself being alone,
Or I'll keep waiting for thy love I long for?

It won't pay your bills
It won't pay your debt
It won't pay your dream wedding
But it can fill you whole.

Lately you made me cry:

I'm crying for the people we should have helped when we had the chance,

I'm crying for all the soldiers who fought and still fighting because of wars that started because of politics and absurb ideologies,

I'm crying for all the children who have lost their parents by fighting for their rights,

I'm crying for all the books we should have read instead of staying up late with our social media accounts,

I'm crying for the person we should have been,
for the person we changed,
for the dreams we dismissed because of self-centeredness
and norms we continually adopt to.

But a little cry is not enough for you to answer, 'what really happened, humanity?

Dont worry if you feel weird,
Dont worry if you feel you dont belong,
Because you are not meant to be here,
You are meant to outshine this world.
So smile, your planet awaits.

Of all the things I love to see,
Nothing compares thy thee: his
Eyes, his mouth, his heart.
I would always choose you my love, my only ONE.

Its not the first time I did it,
Nor the last that I plan,
For there is something good about it,
something refreshing.

It was still dawn when I found her
slightly sleepy yet alert.
I think she knew what was bound to happen,
yet I pray that she don´t.

I slowly focus my 9mm,
a little low from her bowed head.
Her eyes flickered a little when I sighed and pulled the trigger.

I hit her!
I hit her hard!
She fell from the branch she was sitting,
her body now lying on the ground.

When I was about to pick her up,
I was caught frozen at my place.
A chain was pulling me back,
holding me hard that I can´t breathe.

'Stop the stupid storytelling,´ a man said.
'Stop believing that you can make a change.´

The woods turned to walls,
The ground turned to cold granite floors,

And her I am again
lying on the floor,
staring at the broken mirror,
remembering each my unfortunate luck,
while the dead mockingbird stares back.

Why do I feel I'm such a failure?
Why do I feel I don't deserve anything?
Why do I need to reassure myself every minute?
Why do I need to stop myself from inflicting pain?

I don’t know when did this start
that i long my old self:
the cheerful and optimistic;
the kind and always eager;
the girl who knows what she wants;
the girl who knows how to write;
because every time I stare at the mirror
all I can see is a failure.

I had another breakdown today.
I was walking in our street, the sun is out and the sky is beautiful, but it didn't stop my tears from flowing,
telling me that no matter how strong I thought I am is, I still need to step back and breathe.

I wiped my face after two, three tears fell, because my 3-year-old nephew was so happy waving his tiny hand as I pass by.
I smiled and asked God to keep me sane... even just for today.

I went to work feeling down and hotheaded. It feels like my colleagues don't want to do their tasks. I hate myself for a minute in accepting this job, but then I remembered those who don't have any on their table. 'I'm still blessed,' I said.

Then a minute ago, Mom called me up, asking me if I'm fine. And I said 'Yes.' because I don't want her to worry. I don't want her to see that I'm slowly dying because of my job. That at night I cry myself to sleep, thinking all the belittles and anger and curses that my boss throws at me. Hoping that tomorrow, if I'm still breathing
I will walk in our street
the sun is out and the sky is beautiful,

Hi! How are you?
I see that you're online.
What are you up to these days?
I hope you are not stressed up with your work.
I still dream about you, about us.
Giving each other tenders kisses and tight hugs.
I miss you every single day that pass.
Do you miss me too?
Or you really forgot about me?
How can you be so okay that I'm finally gone?
How can you be so okay that I'm hurting?
How can you be so okay when I'm not?
I miss you.
I really do.
You are the first man I've ever learned to love,
the first one I've ever kissed that hard,
and the first one that I risked everything just to be by your side.
I miss you.
I really hope that I won't miss you anymore.

Hi, love!
It's been more than a week since you stopped talking to me.
I still miss you and still asks the "what ifs,"
but don't worry I know I'll get over you soon.

Last night I cried again because I came across your picture on my phone.
That was the night we head out for dinner and had a great time.
However, these memories will just remain as happy memories
because I know that you already made up your mind and nothing can change it.
I just hope we had time to properly talk for the last time.

Yet I know that having no closure is the closure
Since we are just dating each other and it's only me who fell in love.
From now on, baby, I will forget you as fast as I can.
I will no longer cry whenever I hear the songs you used to sing or remember things we did together.
I will no longer whisper your name in my dreams and write poems for you.
and I will no longer look for your face whenever I'm outside.

Thank you for being my first love, baby.
Thank you for breaking my heart.

Goodbye my almost lover
Thank you for making me feel special in your peculiar way.
Thank you for the memories that I will cherish until I finally moved on from you.
Thank you for opening my eyes that there’s a future for me and I don’t need to sulk in a corner.
Thank you for giving complications in my life that help me forget my demons even just for a while.
Yet let me write about you for a while
Until this pain inside me subsides

They say all is fair in love, but when I remember you I can’t help but feel pain.

Pain knowing that you’re not mine to lose.
Pain knowing that what we have was just a friendship and nothing else.
Pain knowing that no matter how hard I pray to make this work, we will never be.

And today, I hope that whatever emotions I’m feeling right now, I’ll be at peace knowing that I will no longer know this pain.

You came out of nowhere
but you emerged as a rising star,
now everyone is relying on you
to detect the unknown virus,

a lot have been saved because of you
a lot have lost their hope because of you
tho it's not your fault totally
but you scare the hell out of me.

I hate to see you again this Wednesday,
I hate to feel the agony of waiting for the result.
I hate to overthink that I might have brought the virus home and shared it with my loved ones.
I hate this pandemic. I hate COVID-19!

Why do my heart flutters when I see you?
Why do my heart beats fast when I hear your voice?
Why do I have this feeling that you’re bad for me, a disaster in the making, a broken heart that can’t recover yet I don’t know exactly what we are?

Friends?
Colleagues?
In denial-lovers?
Or none at all?

Because to be honest, I don’t want to overthink but I can’t help it. Your actions is quite difficult to comprehend.

But if writing my feelings about you would help me move on from you, then let the words inside me flow out until I cannot write anymore.

The moment I stopped writing
I knew that my life is about to change.
The words inside me that are flowing,
Has started to dry out,
Made me feel alone, left out.

Two years since I left this site,
My mind has gone haywire.
The words I used to meet,
Now seems like it doesn’t exist.

Writing has been therapeutic for me,
It just sad that it’s too late now for me,
To recover from this depression and anxiety,
Despite of hundred talks from the therapy.