Shayla: Poems

752 · Apr 2015

Before

Shayla Apr 2015

Before

October 19th
That's when I started to hate everything:
  My Boyfriend. School. My Family. Myself. My Life.
Things I really cared about before.
But that was before.
Before my schitzo boyfriend became a liar. A cheater.
Before he went from the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with to the man I never wanted to see again.
Before I got to school one day, looked around, and got sick to my stomach.
I realized that the bright, white lights,
   cold, white walls
Reminded me of my second home:    The Hospital.
The other students resembled the slow "Beep, beep, beep" of the machines I am so familiar with.
The pain I go through everyday...
When I lost hope...
Stopped caring...
Oh, but BEFORE?!
I cared...
Before my mom announced that she was pregnant with my 5th brother, and 6th sibling,
I was excited!
...
Until I realized that I'd have another child to raise.
Well, ******, atleast I'd have help this time.
From the stepdad who doesn't seem to want to stay.
And the brother who refuses to take his medication.
Hard to believe, but BEFORE,...
I cared.
But that was before.
Before everything.
NOW?
I'm done caring.
Because now is now.
Before was just...
                                         Before.

This reflects a period in my life filled with depression, tears, and a lot of pain. I actually wrote it on December 11th of 2014, but it still lives in my heart.

#recovered #before #pastisthepast

532 · Feb 2016

Pacify Me.

Shayla Feb 2016

Pacify Me.

I hate that it's come to this:
you're constantly punishing me.
But don't I deserve it?
Isn't it what I wanted?
For a man to keep me, discipline me, take me in every way?
I said to you:
If I do something wrong, anything,
punish me in a way you see fit.
You're only doing what I said to do,
But...
It's getting harder to hid the bruises.
Harder to resist flinching when someone gets too close.
Harder to keep from crying every night you leave me alone.
Harder to keep a straight face
and say, "Fine!" when I'm asked how I'm doing.
It hurts now.
You're choking the life out of me,
yet you breastfeed me that very love right back.
Poisonous, but irresistible to such vulnerability I am.
But don't stop.
I want it as bad as I despise it,
Love you as much as I hate it.
So love me.
Show me you do.
Pacify me.

477 · May 2016

Take Me To Your Heart

Shayla May 2016

Take Me To Your Heart

Take me away.
Take me to that place where love is kindness and none other than the truth.
Take me where voice is heard and all is spoken.  Take me where they all are, where I see those I can't see now and miss.
Take me there.
I yearn to see this place, this paradise lacking the Gods, the Satans,  the posses of wanna-be perfection.
I want to feel how it feels to be real, really real, in your arms.
In his arms.
In hers too.
I want, I need, you to take me there.
But if you can't,  bring thus place me.
To us.
We'll toast on these imaginary sunsets full of tangible emotion and hope.
Bring it here if you can't take me to it.
Bring this thing, this place so full of the taken-for-granted, the unimaginable, the unique; bring it to me.
It: Your Heart.

463 · Apr 2015

Who Am I?

Shayla Apr 2015

Who Am I?

Who am I to break the spell that captures my attention?
Who am I to hold on to the love I know won't last?
Who am I to raise this child that lives inside me now?
Who am I to just let go and face all that I lack?
Who am I?
Can you tell me?
Who am I?
I need to know.
Who am I to tell my mother that he's with someone else?
Every Tuesday, he's with her, his ring up on the shelf.
Who am I to let my brother know that's not his child?
Who am I to face my fears and love you long and hard?
Before I end...
What right do I have to uncover all the secrets I contain?
It pains me to keep it in.
Tell me, who am I?
Do you know?
Does it matter?
Who I am?
Let me know, so I can live my life.
But then again...
Who are you to tell me?
Who are you to care?
I know I'm not worthy...
To know who I am.
So who are we to hold each other up when we should fall?
Deep into the dark, dark shadows that condemn my mind.
Spread the wings that don't help me to fly,
But help me to my knees.
To beg someone higher to please tell me...
Who am I?
Ask, "Do you know?"
Who am I?
Who will I become?
Will I rise?
Will I run?
From the answers I long for...
Will I ever have the right to know?
Who am I?

On January 26th of 2015, I wrote this because I was confused. I didn't feel worthy of anyone's presence, nor did I feel worthy to be living in the skin I live in. I felt so weak...

#weak #healing #unworthy

406 · May 2016

My. Mind.

Shayla May 2016

My. Mind.

My.

Mind.

It's all I need.

Take all the material things;

just leave my mind where it is.

With my mind, I have everything else.

With my mind,

you can't take my ability to move,

my ability to express myself, my talent: dance,

because My Mind allows me to do that.

You can't take my voice,

my ability to speak, to sing, to reach out to and communicate with the world,

because My Mind allows me to do that too.

With my mind,

You can't take my ability to love.

To be loved.

You can't take my ability to hurt.

To regret what caused my pain.

To fall for him,

To yearn for her,

To FEEL.

To think.

To be successful.

To do anything at all.

Because it's all in the mind;

My Mind.

It's all it takes to do anything.

You can take anything you want,

but with my mind, I have it all.

My.

Mind.

It's all I need.

Tue, 03/29/2016 - 16:36 -- ShaylaB

— The End —