All I've been wittled down to
is your survival tool

I had made some special plans for us.
I even went ahead and booked my heart in advance.  It would be empty,  waiting.  
I told you that my most fatal character flaw was my habit of pushing my luck.  
Had I known that pulsing beneath the surface of your chest lie an ego fueled beast of cold, cruel anger,  I might have held back.
But I, I don't blame you.  No,  on the contrary, I feel the weight of my poorest choices of words.
Perhaps If I had not pried myself from your web I'd still be trapped there in your trance waiting for the day that you finally decide that I was tasty enough to devour.
Yet,  you'd merely tease me with that sweet death.  And I,  just like you,  am filled with greed. Give me what it is I want.  Allow me to martyr my body on the alter of your flesh.
I could not wait any longer.  An undecided spider surely will not go without dinner,  will she?
But I am no longer on the menu.
And all your hatred could not bring me back.  
Such a sad ending for those of us that Still allow such weakness to creep in.  Haunting reminders of beautiful possibilities. Never to be.

You'd think by now I'd fix the flaw
I'm not wasting time
I'm never minding
The falsified feelings that were spawned
I'm getting over
And letting go
I think of all the ****** things about you
Wrap them around this image
This new vision i will use
Nobody's perfect
Just because your face is flawless
Doesn't mean that you'll get everything you want
Redefine my purpose
Just because my place is haunted
Doesn't mean ill let your ghost walk through these walls
I'm getting over
Letting go
Like you think you wanted
Like you think you know
But who knows about tomorrow
You'll probably change your mind
But by that time I should be fine
Or ill just pretend to push you aside
I see you almost every single day
There's got to be another way
Another wasted phase
A rush of curiosity
So i must not repeat
The words still lurk between
Blue eyes that hypnotized me

"Can we just... Stop?"
I hear the echo
Stretch and wrap around my thoughts
These weren't words that escaped
Your lips
But they were there
Floating around in the air between us
Yes,  
I can stop.
I can stop
Calling you
I can stop
Because although it's taken me longer
Than it should have,
It's
Better
For me to let go
Of everything I thought
You could be

I've already let it go
At least that's what I tell myself
I know she's better off without me
I've always known that
I'm just selfish
That's all there is to it
I see something beautiful
And want to make it mine
Not my place
I'm waiting for the lights to go out
The wind to blow with a fury
Hard enough to make me forget about you
For a little while
The sounds of this house
numbing
The television too loud
The faces longing for my attention
So ill eat something
I'll drink tonight
Expecting to express how pathetic I feel
How pathetic I am
I won't communicate
Not to those that really matter
I rarely smile here
I'm lost in the impossible
Selfish
A fact
I wont even try to fake it anymore
Like it doesn't hurt
Like it doesn't matter
That's what she wants

I cannot stop
Every morning
You're the first thought
Today I almost
Was able
To gain some sort of control
But then you said
Hello
Every day
I'm like a mouse in a maze
Searching for a way
Past these walls
I almost gained
Some sense of reason
I almost conceded my defeat
And then you said
Hello
Hope your day is well
But it's honestly hellish
Soon as I have some hope
You go out of your way to make me jealous
I understand the circumstances
Yet I've offered to sacrifice my life
Just for a chance with
Or an opportunity to explore
But you always shut that door
As soon as I turn the ****
And rob us both of something more
But I don't know how to quit
Your my last thought at night
And this is starting to make me sick
But I don't know how to stop
Quiet my conscience
In the first morning moments
Awaiting those eyes
To pull me out of focus
Displaying your lies
For the whole world to notice
Honesty resides in your mind
But you hide it
If you're waiting for me to
Break free
Without a commitment from you
Then that's an uneven bargain
But I'm willing for you
Yet you say you're still confused
And that should tell me all that I need to know
yet you recapture me in this rapture
And all you had to say was
Hello

She sent a sharp
Question mark
Through my heart

Perhaps,
And I say perhaps
Because I truly do not know
Anymore
I expect
The coming damage
You've trained
My heart to beat to a rhythm
That is no longer
Mine to control
Perhaps
And I say perhaps
Because
It conveys the last
Moment of hope
That I have for us
Your lack of lyrics
Your lack of courage
Your lack of Compassion
Perhaps,  I should have seen this coming
Like this hurricane
That everyone else
Is prepared for,
I'm prepared for
A much worse reckoning
But perhaps,  
I am wrong
Perhaps this storm
Will spare me
Perhaps your heart
Will wake up tomorrow
And know

It disturbs me
How you are able
To keep me in this cage of confusion
I wait anxiously
You bring me scraps
Feed me this beautiful illusion
I am stronger
Because you are my weakness
I am better off
Left alone
Not to crumble
Not to fade
Not to cling
Not to hope
Not to die
I am sealing these cracks
With tears that I will
Never let you taste
This cage
This face
This disregarded flame
Burns
With or without you

You use your words
To break me
And you don't care
And that's okay
I'll never ever listen
To another worthless
Word you say
I'll smile through the pain
Never ever
Let you in again
You used me
Just to feed your ego
Foolish pride
I'll never let you see through
These shitstained eyes
You've got everything
And all I got were lies
So I bid you farewell
And don't you worry girl
I'll never tell

Sometimes the heart is just wrong
Dead wrong
Listen to something else

I hold on to every single letter
Of every little message
I take a deep breath
Respond in
Hopeful honesty
There's something different
In the connection between us
You and I both know
That there is no going back
To whatever normal was
There is no going back
To the days when we'd pass
Each other and not feel that
Magnetic electric current
That flows between us
It exists inside and beyond us
Pulling us toward as destroyers
To create a new life as one
Shall we fall together in this eternal dive? Lock your hands in mine and don't look back at the flames as the world burns
Turning the past to ashes
Disregard the echoes of the voices
They will fade
Disregard the judgmental looks
Of those that do not,  could not understand
Keep your eyes steady
On mine
This is our life,
Im ready to jump
I'm just waiting for you

There may be 10,000 ghosts in this old house,
But they can't stop me from dreaming about you

It's the burden in my brown eyes.          
Gives me away
I've developed this act for you
Everyday formulating idiosyncrasies
Cool,  calm,  classy and clever
That's what turns you on
Yet,  my brown eyes give me away
I exude a quite confidence
Never letting you see the cracks
And when you pull away
I pull away farther
You hate that and I love that it always draws you back in
Every now and then though
You catch me in a gaze
I forget everything
The game stops
And there's a silent revelation
My brown eyes give me away

It's keeping me up tonight
Wondering what you'll
Say tomorrow
Another dagger to my heart
Or perhaps worse
Nothing at all

Reading through these Strangers'
Poems
I realize
That this is where the lovers
Ride their hearts
Into oblivion

I'd reach out to hold your hand
Even though inevitably
Your fingers would just slip away
God how I'd cherish such a moment
a memory I'd replay
I try to focus on the daily grind
Trying to fulfill a promise
But there's never enough time
My mouth spills the wrong words
The bleeding heart directly links
to my lips
You call me your soulmate
And then you turn away
I tie a knot in the chords to my thoughts
Silence is all I'll say
You hide behind this idea of strength
And I hide behind the days
I wait
I let you have the last word
It's better to let you wonder
I lose myself in lyrics
The sky produces thunder
I don't care that no one else will understand
Your face is always there
Keeping me in this trance

I found myself lost on a familiar street full of merchants peddling corporate goods.  Many of the people seemed injured,  possibly handicapped from birth. Finally a familiar face appeared in the crowd. "Carl" I said, "What day is it?" "Monday or Tuesday" he replied Looking exhausted like a soldier fresh from battle. "Well, what time is it, where am I?" I questioned further.  "The city of Charlotte, at The End of California." He replied.  "The year 2416." My next question escaped my lips with a sudden desperation. "Where is Serena? I have to find her!" "She stays over by the TV station." He replied.  "Where is that?" I asked.  "I don't know man,  I don't know." He vanished into the crowd.  
         I must have stumbled into a vortex,  a wormhole into an alternate reality.  
        I had a destination at least.  And as I began to question this reality,  I awakened from my dream,  wondering if I would ever find her.

Your words put my mind through this vortex
A fool indeed

The fever seems to be fading
There's a new calmness
soon to set in
I shot my self out into the chaos
ricocheting between possibilities
wormholes in this universe
of uncertainty
I didn't find you there
In radiant light
I merely caught a glimpse of you
as you ran away

Last night i lived
I found my heart racing
Lost in the city
I peered deep into the darkness
Possibilities endless
Ceasing only when my own fear conveyed itself
But I kept going
And I found myself
In a theatre
Searching for you
And when I finally found you
I lost all words

That feeling
That hopeless, neurotic sleep-depriving feeling,
That sick starving
That destructive hunger
For that which I cannot have,
For that Angel
The dark-winged one from my dreams,
You'd know
  If you had merely a glimpse of her gaze or
   You might
  be lucky enough
To hear an echo of her
Voice
She's the dangerous one,
  She's the humbling muse for
Which I kneel to the cross of
Her sacrifice

How can I break out that piece of my heart that has now absorbed your image?

I can't help but start a fire
I like to watch the flames dance
They seem to almost kiss
For just a moment
Now a memory

Recovery is best practiced cold, quick
Our atomic collision
Was your invention
Infidelity
A melody soulless and sick
For the dark ones to mix
My hands are holeless, homeless
Friend

I was naive, there is no doubt.
I just hope this doesn't hurt for
very long. I was always the good one.
Always making sure that they had what they needed. That they were comfortable in this work.
One day about six months ago
she walked in.
A smile that would give me goosebumps.
A voice that would increase the speed in which my heart would beat.
I made it a point to never hit on her.
I wanted her to feel comfortable.
I immediately put aside any idea of being with her. Then one day I started noticing the little hints. The cute things girls do when they want something more. I hesitated to rescend her advances. And she brought it on pretty **** hard. I should have known better. She got me hooked right through the heart. And I'm bleeding internally

The alcohol is helping me
To write bad poetry
Perhaps
That's better
Than the nothing
I write
Sober

Settle in
           To this uncomfortable seat
And strap in
Im driving
      There's little use for these
Rearview reminders
I'm going
      To pick up a few strangers
Along the way
       I once was like them
Needing a ride
               Hands on the wheel
Eyes open
But my mind keeps going
Back to her gaze
          And that's the only place
In this ******* ******* universe
             That I want to be
Yet,
             I drive

I spent most of the night rambling on about this girl I'll never be with.
I must commend my friend for listening to my pitiful analogies and expressions.
Ive been a nonbeliever for many years now, but when our eyes met
The only thing i could feel was
So seemingly supernatural
I'd give my ******* left arm to feel her kiss.
I really didn't think this sort of thing was real,
Until her smile turned me into an addict
Her voice
Veiled all those things
Im not supposed to know

You couldn't blame me
if you
Could see her
Take everything I own
Set it ablaze
Taking for granted the very Foundation
Of the structure
Of my life,
Why?
Because her face
Is beyond the will of any god to change.
Her mouth conveys
The mind of an unknown Goddess
Beyond reach
Beyond reason
Beyond the repercussions of such
treason.
Beyond.
Her hands electromagnetic
Body beyond ecstasy
Overdose on her  
So called flaws
And imperfect complexity
Out of reach
Fires would have to be set
Lives ruined
Chains people depend on
Broken at their feet
It's not fair
For anyone
But her hands are electromagnetic
Her voice
Hypnotic
Her smile
Unbearable
Raw
     Excruciating
Attraction
Life altering
Magic
      In her
      Gaze
I awaken everyday
Unphased by the obstacles
Life has placed between us
This is unhealthy
      I know
But there is
Something I can't explain
Just underneath
The subtlety of her
Words.
Something beyond me

Her eyes break the silence
In my mind
                 There are sirens
To fill this place out
Ive memorized your face
This is unhealthy
I place your face in
Precarious positions
This intimate emersion
                  This rare inertia
A system of push
Pull me almost close enough
To hear what you are really saying
But for me to survive
              Must hide from
This energy
           Time for work

What year is this?
The propaganda fills the brainless heads of poor human hate zombies
Their hate fueled on by meaningless
memes of reality contradicting
What year is this?
I am called white guilt
Terror sympathy
I am to blame
According to the populace
I only write fact
I save opinion for the ears of those closest
Cognitive dissonance
Behind the twitches and jerks
I shut them out
They have a voice
An orange face of greed
Of ignorance
A demagogue
To be defeated

Her name alone
The mere thought of the sound
Replaces love
My baby girl

We've armed God to the teeth
Ready to **** indiscreetly
Through his
Favorite little sheep
We rabble babble on
Never forget
The power of
The tower
The Babylon of freedom's
Worthless lie
The ignorant that curse
This land
The first to fight
The last to think
This worldwide
Disease of thoughtless homicide
No peace
        No not on your TV
No
Not on your flat screen
HD **** machines
I scroll habitually
Programmed emotionally
Can't stop reacting
Stroking that enormous
Ego
Blood flows wherever we go
Spreading that capital
Anywhere habitable
Masters of our own destruction
Racing to the end without reluctance

If I were a believer
I'd leave her
at the alter of my eye
Sometimes It's better
To let go of forever
Than to have to say
Goodbye

Honestly it feels like i haven't written in months. Even though it has only been a couple of days.
I feel dry.
Empty.
My eyes are closed
and to each side of me
I reach my arms out.
I touch the smooth cold metal walls.

I can't help you. You know by watching me or at least from your passive glances that I'm having quite the time keeping my own head above water.
I can listen. I can empathize.
I hope that is enough.
She must have been something special.
When everyones feet are red and eyes are starred
When she is in the ground.
When everyone is lying awake at night
       hurting.
     I can imagine
  The pain.
I can shed tears for this stranger little soul
Whose path I've crossed in this life.
Why does death bring us all closer if only for a moment?
And life
        Drags us farther every day into the grip of the unavoidable end

I never felt comfortable
A stranger
Born at the wrong time
In the wrong place
An identity
Anonymous in the chaos
of my thoughts
I found a knife
And I found this rock
And then I began to cut off
All the ugly parts
that I didn't like
And there was little left
when I was done

Earlier
Before the sun was set
I had five minutes alone
With the universe
I remember thinking
That they could not take the air
Or the sky
They won't take anything that really matters
Except for time
But
If this is the end
All was not wasted
Just fragments
In between spaces
Those moments
Where pain is best forgotten
Anger laid to rest
No longer that sharpness
In my chest
I could easily
Rest
One day
If I'm lucky

You were that green blanket.
I slept with on the couch.
We were poor and I didn't care.
It was the only life I knew.
Coffee mug through Television glass.
I still carry pieces of shattered aftermath.
I was the baby. Youngest of four.
My brother the keeper kept my eyes
fixed on the door. A broomstick to the window and out into the storm.
We were runaways
On rainy days
We'd find our place
Our escape
           From the storm
From our broken handlers
Bullet hole filled soul
Of our father
            Taught that life was anger
And comedy
And pain
And sadness
             Blindfolded battles of epic
Telekinetic brotherhood
             Black eye light bulbs
Putting our heads underneath the pillow
So we don't have to hear anything
Pretending to be asleep
            Watching wrestling
Like it was the only thing that mattered.
            Going to church with grampa
And gramma
        Her hand would shake back then
But she would always smile

We are to dance in poverty
We could have more
But to be poor
Your self worth is not grounded in their perspectives
Soul ****** into a cell phone
Cannot
Cannot call home
Lost in our digital new millennium
Growing old too quick
We try to clone those moments
Spread our systems
Destructive tradions
Reluctant unknowing
Now growing resistance
Spot of DNA is all we need
To bring
Ingredients ill conceived
Lyrics that we bleed
Smoke we'd rather breath
Than this cancerous disease
Falsified democracy
On the brink of
The extinction
The end sequence
Leaving fossils for the future to find
All in good time
All in
Good time

I wake up every morning and wonder how long I am going to continue to do this.
Am I a lifer?
My how how that term misrepresents the overwhelming dread I feel when I open my eyes and tell myself 'Just one more day.'

Another Monday has arrived with teeth exposed
Ready to consume
Hungry for dreams
For hope
For whatever has kept me going this long
Maybe nothing more than
That human need to survive
To feed my future
With every scrap I've managed to rip away from our oppressors
With hands of treachery outstretched
A smile only fools could trust
Spine straight and head forward
I'll never show them weakness