You kissed one side of my neck and then the other, with a smile.
When you’re behind me and rest you hand on one hip to take a selfie, I have to place my hand on the other.
Quickly, you realised you love a girl of balance.
You lost her to tendencies and rules that love can’t fix.
And I know my OCD will affect you to.
Yet you still call me your little OCD girlfriend.

Within 11 days you realised 4 was my number.
It’s no longer quirky, just habit and safety.
But you, you could have waited till the 12th day
You ******* up a system in a bid to help
To make it worse the first argument lasted 21 minutes so even that wouldn’t fit the system.
You’ll never get it will you?
Yet I’ll always be your little OCD girlfriend.

Each colour may seem like a little, cute way of keep organised.
But without them it’s a black abyss in desperate need of structure.
A visual balance.
So even if it seems simple, it’s me.
And me, I’ll always be your little OCD girlfriend.

Clockwise.
That’s the way I’ll walk round you.
That’s the way I’ll make you turn if I’m in your balanced arms.
Don’t block my path.
Don’t roll the other way
Don’t try and change me
You know the rules
Because I’m your little OCD girlfriend

Now forget the clocks, number and colours, they are small fry in my OCD pond.
Balance
That’s my weakness.
That’s why I might hurt you
That’s why it takes time
But remember: what happens to one side must happen to the other.
Your love will be my balance.
As your hands learn a new way to explore my body
As your lips touch me twice,
You’ll remember I’m your little OCD girlfriend.

Anniversaries are meant to be happy times
Times of reflection on perfect memories
But this one isn't, because
This anniversary is one of an overdose

This anniversary has no cards
There is no cake or presents
Just regret and sadness, because
This anniversary is one of an overdose

1 year today to the minute as I write
The worst memory of it all flashes back
my focus goes in a flash, because
This anniversary is one of an overdose  

I can smile at my recovery
but cry with my memories
This is the anniversary that no one wants because
This anniversary is one of an overdose

Abused, Abandoned and Alone,
Bound, Beaten and Bruised
Captured and Categorized
******, Defeated and Damaged
Encompassed
Faded, Failing, Flinching
Gagged
Hopeless, Helpless and Hospitalized
Idealized, Impaired and Intoxicated
Judged
Kicked, Kept and Kissed
Labelled,
Marked, Molested and Misguided
Neglected
Obeying, Observed and Offended
Panicking, Pummelled and Promised
Quivering and Quaking
*****
Screaming, Scared and Starved
Throttled, Thirsty and Thinning
Unloved and Unable
Victimized
Wailing, Weakening and Wondering
an X
Yelling, Yanked and Yielding
Zeroed

That smile he hides behind
the one everyone believes means he is fine
His broken heart fighting to be heard
but he is left searching for words he can't find.

He is meant to be strong
To cope with everything
To laugh at the jokes
Despite the fact that in his heart its all gone wrong.

Yet he smiles on for now
He battles the tears
countdowns to the next breakdown
he knows he must continue somehow

He remembers his brothers last words to him
he holds them close
in the hope they will make him truly smile once more
in hope of an outlook that isn't as grim

That smile of his is fake,
it will live with him forever more.
But he prays one day someone sees through it,
he hopes one day he can finally break.

Your smile lights up my dark heart like a flash,
My giggle makes your eyes flutter and your nose scrunch up
Our happiness infects each other’s souls but,
Your heart is just out of reach.

Your hand fits in mine, like the last piece of a puzzle.
Your fingers cradle mine like a babe in their Mother’s arms
Our finger can always lightly touch but,
Your heart is just out of reach.

Our bodies fit in your bed, like it was designed for us.
Under you I feel nothing but pleasure
Our bodies have no issues but,
Your heart is just out of reach.

In true biology your kisses sends oxytocin through my brain
Much like with each touch of my tender lips blood heads downwards
Science is on our side but,
Your heart is just out of reach.

They say the heart gets what the heart wants but,
You and I will never be simple
And I’m sick of losing soul mates
So I will stand by you, body to body
Even though your heart is just out of reach.

Would you look in disgust at a veteran’s battle scars?
Would you do the same to those who got theirs in fast cars?
Because you see my crash was in my mind, my enemy was myself.
My fight was with my own mental health.

My body lined with marks,
My heart remembering all your cruel remarks.
Self-inflicted,
And almost addicted.

I’m fighting a battle I can’t escape;
Lost in a problem that can’t be fixed with even the strongest of tape.
I lost the first battle the moment the blade hit my skin
But I’ll keep fighting this war until the day I win.

I work hard to fight my battle on my own
Yet all society can do is moan and moan
Just because my enemy isn’t another country
Doesn’t mean my causes aren’t worthy.

I go to battle everyday
In the hope that my inner enemy may fly away.
I will always want to stop what I do to myself.
I want to win the fight with my own mental health.

You're a weird little monster sitting in my head;
you are the reason I can't get out of bed.
You make me feel lost inside
you make me feel dead.

You little monster make me hide,
Last night you were why I cried
you break me
you there just tagging along for the ride.

You depression monster never cease to be.
I hope you go so I just sit here and beg and plea.
One day I'll be rid of you
One day I will be free.

Depression you are a monster that invades lives.
But I will strive to shrink you down to size.
Bye bye dear monster
Good luck with your slow demise.

Falling
Each time I see your face, I'm falling,
Not off a cliff or into a river
But in love
With each sight, I'm falling

With every touch, I fall
Into a black abyss of warmth
A magical space of love
As you take my hand I am falling,

Each time I hear your voice I'm falling,
Falling to a place of safety
A place of love
With every word, I fall

As you walk through the door I'm falling,
Into your arms
Your warm embrace
At your sent, I fall

Each time my lips touch yours I'm falling,
Head over Heals
Hopelessly in love.
With each kiss, I fall

Your presence runs through each one of my senses,
through touch and taste
through sight, sound and smell
I'm Falling

I watch as you go from walking to sitting as MS takes over
I pick you off the floor when MS stops the signal
I plug a phone in because MS denies you even that
I learn to cook for when you no longer can because MS wants to take that away to
We laugh and recount old memories that MS will never take
I speak out against injustice and disability so neither MS or the Government and take that
I type messages to family and friends and watch you on look as MS takes that to
I sit in school and wonder if you are okay as MS works its black magic
We laugh at things people tell us off for because MS means we can
I worried in the early years that one day MS might get me to
I do my upmost to beat MS because well we can always try
I grow stronger and mature with each passing day because MS asks me to
I learn to accept and even make jokes at the MS
But the most important thing I do is love.
I love and appreciate each day you are okay and MS didn't win
I love my Mum despite MS, as she has loved and cared for me as I grew up

Always rolled down
No matter how cold or warm
Matched only by her frown
All this becoming her norm.

There not for comfort
But to hide her secret
Wishing she could wear something short.
But all she can do is regret.

There matching her best fake smile.
Knowing the pain comes at a price
Passing it all off as a new style
Lying to herself when saying it looks nice.

Like them her jeans are the same
A method of covering what's underneath.
Yet knowing only she is to blame.
But then she remembers the relief.

Sleeves.
They cover a world of sin
The scars continue while she grieves
She knows she will never win

Let her hide once more
Please don't open her door
Her clothing hides her world of pain
Because she feels as if she has nothing left to gain..

Each time I see your face, I'm falling,
Not off a cliff or into a river
But in love
With each sight, I'm falling

With every touch, I fall
Into a black abyss of warmth
A magical space of love
As you take my hand I am falling,

Each time I hear your voice I'm falling,
Falling to a place of safety
A place of love
With every word, I fall

As you walk through the door I'm falling,
Into your arms
Your warm embrace
At your sent, I fall

Each time my lips touch yours I'm falling,
Head over Heals
Hopelessly in love.
With each kiss, I fall

Your presence runs through each one of my senses,
through touch and taste
through sight, sound and smell
I'm Falling