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 Jun 2013 S D S
sara
i'm not interested

in living anymore

i don't want to die
living just doesn’t hold much interest for me

i don't feel good

i don't feel happy
only tired

tired tired
 always tired
i live in a perpetual nothingness

i can never find words
they lodge in the back of my throat and spiral out flat

may as well cut my vocal chords out
and replace them with yarn
maybe i’ll be able to string sentences together then

i’m buried in layers of ink and skin
they allow me to close my eyes and fall away
into my own personal oblivion

where it's dark and jazzy elevator music plays in the background
and there’s no sharp pings under numb detachment

there's a different breed of darkness to my oblivion
it's soft and shadowy
rippling over all my anxieties like a velvet tide
light shines in dusty shafts from no set direction
it doesn't illuminate anything
it’s nicer that way

i forgot what happiness feels like
not this halfway happiness that’s induced by comfort food and fuzzy blankets
but real happiness
that comes from deep inside of your being and spirals and glows

this is just a long complaint

hem hem

observation
about me

my life

is it really mine?

i feel so detached from it

i spend more time in dreams than i do in it
sweeping castles of words and swing sets that swing themselves


can i just leave?
fade away
into my oblivion
the one with the jazz music and the infinite velvet walls
i've come pretty close
may as well go all the way

i'm an inadequate mess of negativity
i can't function quite right anymore
unfunny angry pathetic boring
i'm me
and i don't hate me
hate is a strong word
i'm just tired
a slowly graying towel
long used and recently wrung-out
hung up to dry
dripping mediocracy onto a standard tile floor

ha

i'll show myself out
this is so **** why did i post it if you actually read it i'm so sorry
 Jun 2013 S D S
Nhlanhla Moment
30 days in. Now, after, out to the market theatre.

People idling, few wondering who pulls the strings
few investigate who paints the streets
who constructs the buildings
it is a show if you slow your vision you will know

You go to a shop, you pick, you pay and go your way
Calculated activity
Prolonged elasticity
And money extends and circulates the sensitivity
the physical defying relativity
Schedules and plans, maps and structures of time
a defined life as I write

You go to church
the congregation settles, the pastor preaches
the congregation responds, "halleluyah" "amen"
songs are sung
tithes paid and progress of church displayed
soon the bell rings and away to our cottages
Cook sunday lunch and a day blessed by God
and sunday after sunday after sunday

You go to school
there's a teacher and students in the classroom
the teacher teaches, questions are asked and notes are taken
Again and again the routine iterates
until tests and assignment dates
how hypnotic this academic tale
promising a better future, a positive fate

And a mall is a town in a cubicle
a church is a social uprising theatrical
a school is a place of worship for the tamable
...and the World a jungle for those who oppose
a haven for the ignorant, a pacific abyss for the survivors of evil. All in all a theatrical play which is a story telling itself in rewind...
 Jun 2013 S D S
Redshift
swallowing
my first straight shot
of jack
letting the bitter taste
converge with the bitter
inside of me
but all it does
is make me cry...
god,
what a pathetic
drunk you are,
red
 Jun 2013 S D S
Kassel D
the abuser tried to contact me
through his coward device online
the place where he sits to work
twisting and turning his words into easy prey
the place where i saw him work
light keystrokes of heavy rage
set out to destroy the happiness around him

he tried to contact me
as if i were an old friend
as if months of beautiful silence had not gone by
i don't know what he wants to say
because i have shut out the old version of myself
that would willfully go running back to him
i am disgusted by the girl i was
so warped
that every ounce of pain inflicted
every compromised moment of "love"
was meaningful

i can never go back
i won't
there isn't anything in the world
that could make me venture
to the chaotic territory of a
self-loathing
compulsive, lying
unstable
psychotic
manipulative man
who tore apart everything i had built for myself
and called it love

so here's my message to you:

                                          go **** yourself
                                          with your petty mind games
                       because i am strong
                                  and everything that i rebuilt is equipped
                                                 to destroy anyone like you
                        who tries to come near

i am finished, i am happy, i am me
finally
i can be me
I haven't read the message... I don't care what it is he wants
 Jun 2013 S D S
M
Liar
 Jun 2013 S D S
M
"Well now I can go 41 hours without sleep and I only need one meal a day, and a small snack every other day. I'm also testing the different healing times and patterns of different injuries with different levels of treatment and different places on the body. For instance, cuts bleed more on hands, but heal faster. However, burns take more time to heal on hands, especially if it's from cigarettes instead of lighters."

"So you're sleep depriving yourself, starving yourself, cutting yourself, and burning yourself?"

No.

"It's just experimenting. Everything's completely under control."
 Jun 2013 S D S
AJ
Desperation
 Jun 2013 S D S
AJ
I feel like ****.
Screaming doesn't make it better.
Crying doesn't make it better.
Take a walk and clear my mind.
Smoke a cigarette.
Nothing feels any better.
It's that feeling of desperation that clings to you,
Like wet clothes after a down pour.
It will only get better if I change my clothes.
But in order to do that I must get naked first,
Vulnerable.
And that could quite possibly be worse.
So I will sit here crying,
Waiting for them to dry.
But you forgot to tell me to get out of the rain first.
 Jun 2013 S D S
Devon
I need you
Doctor
i'm a sad little girl with a crack in my wall
but i'm no Amy
I haven't got the guts
or the fire
i'm just scared
and I need you
Doctor
i've a dull life
missing something fantastic
but i'm no Rose
I could never make you
or anyone
love me
but I need you,
Doctor
to come and make me feel grand
to stop me hurting and hating myself
make me your Donna but
never let me forget
how beautiful you are
and I need you,
Doctor
to come save the day
but i'm no Martha
i'm not brave enough to walk away

my name is Devon
I need my Doctor
to come whisk me away
from this place that hurts
I need you to hold me
and save the day

Please,
Doctor
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