I'm more than okay feeling the pain of not forcing things, but still trying everything that one can give.
Rather than giving everything, while trying to force everything to happen and still feel the pain afterwards.
No one deserves pain but, pain is much more bearable if one can feel like they need to feel it.

I guess I'm scared
because of that dream, I can't explain.
"what if"s come through, running
running, running, running
as if they're about to flow beyond my thinking capacity
"what if you leave?"
"what if you are making your choice right now,
thinking what to say to not make me feel alone"
"what if,
I'm the only one making this work"
what if...

on all the years i've been wondering the purpose of my life,
this year has been the hardest,
the year that i've been pushed the most.

but of all the pushes i've experienced,
i still don't know my purpose in life.

You have been the sun, the moon, the horizon and all possible metaphors of the word, "love."

But, there is always that one metaphor which is my favorite.

You are my home, always will be.

The door holds the secrets
Lying beneath the scars written on her face
Secrets that are kept
Preventing them to spread,
for others not to be harmed as well

she’s always adjusting to what she feels about people.
she’s always trying to read the room, wherever she is,
not making her feelings and emotions her priority.
she’s good at making other people happy, listened to, cared for, and boosting their egos,
while forgetting herself in the process.
but she’s feeling that that will end now, quite.
she met someone,
that for the first time in her life, she completely,
wholly, absolutely, perfectly felt that she’s…
…a priority.
that she’s not alone.
that whatever she’s facing or about to face, she knows he’ll be there no matter what.
and it’s still unbelievable that there’s someone who’s as patient as him to wait for her,
to love her,
to understand her,
to care for her,
even when she’s the most complicated, unhealed, ill-tempered, capricious, and stubborn person that he’ll ever meet.

That girl carried pain and wore it like a jewelry.

does she cry?
she does.

does she wanna give up?
she does.

does she keep going?
she does.

love is a choice not a feeling, right?

I asked Him for a sign
A sign to continue, a sign to not stop liking you
Or the vice versa
There's only an hour and thirty minutes left
For the sign to happen, or, sadly and unfortunately, not;
That sign, is the most unexpected sign that could happen
For it doesn't get to your interest
But, that's the purpose of signs isn't it?
That if it will happen, it will.
I maybe sad, or happy
When the clock will strike 12;
I created my own Cinderella story
But I'm the prince
Waiting for a miracle to happen
Standing by for the sign to occur
Will I be happy?
Or sadness will struck an arrow
That will take my smile away?

there are days where you just think blankly
think,
and wonder why certain things happen to people.
you wanna give up,
but at the same time you don't.
you're feeling hopeless,
but you're trying to look for something hopeful,
even if it's just a small thing.

I want to be gone,
but at the same time, I just want this to end.
we're all sad,
but there are times where we just crave to be happy.

ever experienced singing indirectly to someone you like?
you hum the words, like singing a lullaby
and you look at him sleeping soundly
secretly hoping that your voice would reach him
reach him like the words on a poem knock the readers
reach him like the steps on a ballet bring shine to the watchers;
it hurts actually
the feeling of you singing, but that person you like didn't know he's the one you're actually singing to
how i wish that some other person could've recorded that scene
be played by myself a million times
and never forget how that moment,
is so beautiful that it hurts.

He was the person I never thought I would like. I may never have noticed him at first glance, and I do not think he is the type of person I will break my neck to take a look at again if I happen to see him somewhere in the grocery, or randomly at the mall. Well, let me explain who I am first. I am a person who have a hard time liking a person. Love at first sight never worked for me. Something should happen, something should trigger, before I can actually claim that I like a person. So, I guess this is still in my normal "feelings" range.

The trigger would be his smile. But the difference is, I may have liked his smile a little too much. I am the person who loves to see people smile. Who, in any circumstances, wants to make the mood in the room lighter. If I hear people laugh, or smile genuinely, it would make me happy. But his smile was the first smile that made my entire day. Entire day. This is the first time that this happened.

Life is something for everyone. Life is always a roller coaster, as most would say, that it is a mixture of pain and rainbows. And it is no different with my life. There are people who are just surviving with no hope remaining in their hearts, and I would lie if I will say that I was not one of those people.

I planned to live a routinely life. A life where I will just focus on my growth and making my mindset positively stronger, and my person will just come. I visualized everything, but I knew, deep in my heart, that I have no hope left. I was just trying to live. Waiting for the day to come that I will actually look forward to tomorrow. "Tomorrow" was non-existent for me, and I always think that it is a good thing. That even when I do not have any hope at all, it would be fine. But not until I noticed his smile. It would be an exaggeration to say that his smile gave me, literally and figuratively, hope.

I started to look forward to the next day. My day got brighter, and people have noticed the sudden mood shift that I have. And then the next day, and the next day. All I was thinking was, how can I see his smile again? When can I see his smile again? Will his smile be brighter today? I basically memorize his smile everyday, because I like the feeling of thinking about his smile. It gave me the push to hope for things. To hope that everything will be better, that there is still a chance for life to be better. For life to be lived.

But life really has its own way of pushing everyone. Life has its own way of showing its claws again the moment you think that everything is turning out okay. This was when he became more than his smile to me. Out of all the suddenly's, suddenly his presence made me feel at peace. I do not have to look at him, or to memorize his smile anymore. Just to feel his presence for a few minutes was enough to make me feel okay. I never asked for comfort from anybody, emotionally. But there was something that is pushing me to seek comfort from him, at least through a few words. I decided to follow my gut and asked him for a few comforting words. He wrote back, and those words were something that made me cling to hope again.

He does not know this effect he has on me, but I just wanted to put this here as a memory that someone, in their own ways, showed me that there is a life to be hopeful for. That someone's smile can literally save someone's life.

If there will be a time that he will have the chance to read this, all I can say is: "Thank you for saving me. Thank you for giving me hope. I hope there will be one day that I can repay you for saving me."

Everything happened in a snap
1, 2, 3 as I count,
tears suddenly froze.
Time; how can you count time?
Overthinking comes by, as this happened so abrupt.
What to do?
Instead, when will I feel contented?
When will everything sink in?

That stare isn't supposed to be mine
Yet I caught it

I caught a glimpse of your galaxy
Trying to mix in with mine.
How can every galaxy in your eyes,
Pull my soul closer to those stars
The stars that makes you shine the brightest?

That stare,
That black hole have eaten me alive
Thank goodness, I was sane that time
Or else I might do something I will regret.

My heart is contented with that glimpse.
The glimpse that made every vein jump
The galaxy that made my body chill
The stare that made my whole being still.

"Magpapaalam ka ba sa tahanan mo pag uuwi ka sa kanya?"
"Hihingi ka ba ng tawad sa bahay mo pag papasok ka sa kanya?"

thank you,
for always showing me how harsh reality is
thank you,
for saying there will always be rain
thank you,
for not lying that life is beautiful
thank you,
for lowering my expectations

for those things,
saved me

but, thank you, even after all those,
accompanying me during those times is the most i'm thankful for

I heard a story one time,
A story I couldn't and wish not to forget.

There was a boy.
A small young boy, sensitive to what other feels,
A kind young boy who chooses to see the good out of everyone.
He's an innocent young boy who sees the world in a good sense.
One day, he was playing in a playground,
He saw an insect walking in the middle of it.
He and his friends were playing a game, and that game needs running.
He so badly wanted to protect the insect that he went directly to the insect.
He covered the insect with both of his hands, trying to protect it from the kids who are running.
The other kids saw what he did.
Never did he know he can influence other people that easily.
The other kids copied what he did, and covered him while he was covering the insect.
He knows the intentions of the kids were good.
He saw that the other kids just wanted to do what he was doing because he see the good in people.
But due to the weight of all the kids,
When he opened both of his hands where the insect can be found,
He saw the insect crushed and flat.
It broke his heart.
It broke his heart so much that he couldn't forget the story.

This boy that I'm talking about is now a man with job and responsibilities.
He still remembers clearly the time that his inner kid couldn't forget.
I could still see the inner kid in him, every single time we spent together.
I could still see the boy that protected the insect and had his heart broken because the insect died.
He's still the sensitive boy, hiding in a "have a strong heart" man.
He still gets his heart broken in the smallest things, hiding in a "I'm okay, I can do it."
I'm happy I witnessed both the boy and the man.
And I'm happy I get to experience to love this boy and this man.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things she's experiencing now.
She's clever, intuitive, and knows exactly what to do given any situation she'll experience.
There is no difference this time.
She knows what she needs to be done this time, even before her friends told her what to do.
She knows what to avoid the first time she heard him tell that.
She knows that everything is wrong the moment she'll continue.
She knows that it will hurt her if she proceed.
She knows, but her heart didn't.

Let me tell you something about her.
Her complex mind makes her one of the saddest person to live in this planet.
She cried a ton, for multiple reasons she could ever think.
There's never a day where she thinks, "Oh, someone can understand me today," as her complexity makes everyone, I'm not even kidding, misunderstand her.
She might say that she got used to being misunderstood that being understood scares her.
Out of a million, if a person shows that he/she sees her, of he/she understands her, she backs out.
She has gone through a lot of pain, no one could ever imagine what she had gone through.
A lot of people invalidate her, call her childish, immature and everything that they can see on the surface.
And as much as it saddens her, there are times where she believed those people.
There are times where she forgot her power.
She once believed that she could meet her person, one day.
Now, she's slowly believing that no one will ever be there for her.
As days go by, as thoughts cram to her head like a wildfire, her heart slowly got locked away and it forgot what it felt to love.
What it felt to say the words, "I love you," that it scares her whenever she hears those three words.
It's now her weakness.
Those three words could make her weak in the knees, and make her cry.
The thing that she is scared of is happening now.
Her walls are higher, highest that it's ever been.
Her trust in people are close to none.
Her belief that love exists in this world is slowly fading.
Her heart that was once can see the good in relationships, are slowly going away.
She was once a girl, full of principles she thought will not go away.
She can blame the society for all the beliefs she has now, but at the end of the day, it is her who accepted those beliefs.
She has been alone, she always felt alone, and nothing has changed.

She can say that that is the reason why she made those decisions.
She wanted intimacy.
She wanted someone to care, even if it's not exactly the same as to how she cares.
She wanted someone to tell her problems to, even knowing she needs time to fully trust a person.
She has never fully trusted anyone, so she doesn't know where to start.
She wanted a person.
Her person.
Consistent person.
Decided person.
Her person.
A person who will not leave her even when she wanted to leave.
A person who will hug her when she cries so loud, and tries to break off of the hug.
A person who will be there.
Not in words, not in actions, but in soul.
A person who she knows will be there no matter what.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
She wants to justify those things by saying that she's the saddest person in the world.
She wants someone to see her.
She wants someone to ask, "What did the world do to you that made you do such things?"
She wants someone to look at her in the eyes, and she will feel that that person will listen to her, see her, and will not leave her.
She wants peace.
She wants safety.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
And I hope it's not too late for her to fix everything.
I hope it's not too late for her to be happy in the way she wants to.

to the guy that has been black and blue:
thank you for coming to my life
thank you for knocking outside my door
and thank you for listening to my problems
sincerely and genuinely

but I still hate you
I hate you for being the guy whom I still don't know
the guy who has been there, knowing me
but I still don't have a clue on who you are

you care, then you don't
I guess, who falls first lost eh?
and I guess I lost the battle.

you make gestures that are unexpected
and my being can't get over it
then after a while, you became cold
like you didn't meant anything that you've said

I still don't get you
and maybe I will forever won't get you
but I'll always be here,
as a friend

I won't be lost.
and maybe, at the end of the day
I will be the one who'll get hurt
for you will leave one day,
and I will let you.

in this world
full of people talking about themselves,
in this world
full of people minding about themselves

thank you,
for being the one who listens

thank you,
for lending an ear every time one needs it

and thank you,

for every good listener,
needs a listener, too.