thing is,
most of us here

write,
not to impress
but to express

that's why i love it here.

it was the very definition of "peaceful"
everything was in place
time, weather, us, music
clock ticks as if it's in tune with the moment

it was lunch time, eleven shown in the clock
your stories, funny and calm as i listen
your laugh, it's healing to me
your voice, i couldn't quite get enough of
your attention, made the time perfect as it passed by
well, "perfect" could be the other word to define it
and "thank you" would be the perfect response i could offer

but right now, all i could say is that
this moment, for sure,
the universe won't let me forget it.

I'm more than okay feeling the pain of not forcing things, but still trying everything that one can give.
Rather than giving everything, while trying to force everything to happen and still feel the pain afterwards.
No one deserves pain but, pain is much more bearable if one can feel like they need to feel it.

I guess I'm scared
because of that dream, I can't explain.
"what if"s come through, running
running, running, running
as if they're about to flow beyond my thinking capacity
"what if you leave?"
"what if you are making your choice right now,
thinking what to say to not make me feel alone"
"what if,
I'm the only one making this work"
what if...

on all the years i've been wondering the purpose of my life,
this year has been the hardest,
the year that i've been pushed the most.

but of all the pushes i've experienced,
i still don't know my purpose in life.

You have been the sun, the moon, the horizon and all possible metaphors of the word, "love."

But, there is always that one metaphor which is my favorite.

You are my home, always will be.

The door holds the secrets
Lying beneath the scars written on her face
Secrets that are kept
Preventing them to spread,
for others not to be harmed as well

she’s always adjusting to what she feels about people.
she’s always trying to read the room, wherever she is,
not making her feelings and emotions her priority.
she’s good at making other people happy, listened to, cared for, and boosting their egos,
while forgetting herself in the process.
but she’s feeling that that will end now, quite.
she met someone,
that for the first time in her life, she completely,
wholly, absolutely, perfectly felt that she’s…
…a priority.
that she’s not alone.
that whatever she’s facing or about to face, she knows he’ll be there no matter what.
and it’s still unbelievable that there’s someone who’s as patient as him to wait for her,
to love her,
to understand her,
to care for her,
even when she’s the most complicated, unhealed, ill-tempered, capricious, and stubborn person that he’ll ever meet.

That girl carried pain and wore it like a jewelry.

does she cry?
she does.

does she wanna give up?
she does.

does she keep going?
she does.

love is a choice not a feeling, right?

I asked Him for a sign
A sign to continue, a sign to not stop liking you
Or the vice versa
There's only an hour and thirty minutes left
For the sign to happen, or, sadly and unfortunately, not;
That sign, is the most unexpected sign that could happen
For it doesn't get to your interest
But, that's the purpose of signs isn't it?
That if it will happen, it will.
I maybe sad, or happy
When the clock will strike 12;
I created my own Cinderella story
But I'm the prince
Waiting for a miracle to happen
Standing by for the sign to occur
Will I be happy?
Or sadness will struck an arrow
That will take my smile away?

there are days where you just think blankly
think,
and wonder why certain things happen to people.
you wanna give up,
but at the same time you don't.
you're feeling hopeless,
but you're trying to look for something hopeful,
even if it's just a small thing.

I want to be gone,
but at the same time, I just want this to end.
we're all sad,
but there are times where we just crave to be happy.

ever experienced singing indirectly to someone you like?
you hum the words, like singing a lullaby
and you look at him sleeping soundly
secretly hoping that your voice would reach him
reach him like the words on a poem knock the readers
reach him like the steps on a ballet bring shine to the watchers;
it hurts actually
the feeling of you singing, but that person you like didn't know he's the one you're actually singing to
how i wish that some other person could've recorded that scene
be played by myself a million times
and never forget how that moment,
is so beautiful that it hurts.

He was the person I never thought I would like. I may never have noticed him at first glance, and I do not think he is the type of person I will break my neck to take a look at again if I happen to see him somewhere in the grocery, or randomly at the mall. Well, let me explain who I am first. I am a person who have a hard time liking a person. Love at first sight never worked for me. Something should happen, something should trigger, before I can actually claim that I like a person. So, I guess this is still in my normal "feelings" range.

The trigger would be his smile. But the difference is, I may have liked his smile a little too much. I am the person who loves to see people smile. Who, in any circumstances, wants to make the mood in the room lighter. If I hear people laugh, or smile genuinely, it would make me happy. But his smile was the first smile that made my entire day. Entire day. This is the first time that this happened.

Life is something for everyone. Life is always a roller coaster, as most would say, that it is a mixture of pain and rainbows. And it is no different with my life. There are people who are just surviving with no hope remaining in their hearts, and I would lie if I will say that I was not one of those people.

I planned to live a routinely life. A life where I will just focus on my growth and making my mindset positively stronger, and my person will just come. I visualized everything, but I knew, deep in my heart, that I have no hope left. I was just trying to live. Waiting for the day to come that I will actually look forward to tomorrow. "Tomorrow" was non-existent for me, and I always think that it is a good thing. That even when I do not have any hope at all, it would be fine. But not until I noticed his smile. It would be an exaggeration to say that his smile gave me, literally and figuratively, hope.

I started to look forward to the next day. My day got brighter, and people have noticed the sudden mood shift that I have. And then the next day, and the next day. All I was thinking was, how can I see his smile again? When can I see his smile again? Will his smile be brighter today? I basically memorize his smile everyday, because I like the feeling of thinking about his smile. It gave me the push to hope for things. To hope that everything will be better, that there is still a chance for life to be better. For life to be lived.

But life really has its own way of pushing everyone. Life has its own way of showing its claws again the moment you think that everything is turning out okay. This was when he became more than his smile to me. Out of all the suddenly's, suddenly his presence made me feel at peace. I do not have to look at him, or to memorize his smile anymore. Just to feel his presence for a few minutes was enough to make me feel okay. I never asked for comfort from anybody, emotionally. But there was something that is pushing me to seek comfort from him, at least through a few words. I decided to follow my gut and asked him for a few comforting words. He wrote back, and those words were something that made me cling to hope again.

He does not know this effect he has on me, but I just wanted to put this here as a memory that someone, in their own ways, showed me that there is a life to be hopeful for. That someone's smile can literally save someone's life.

If there will be a time that he will have the chance to read this, all I can say is: "Thank you for saving me. Thank you for giving me hope. I hope there will be one day that I can repay you for saving me."

Everything happened in a snap
1, 2, 3 as I count,
tears suddenly froze.
Time; how can you count time?
Overthinking comes by, as this happened so abrupt.
What to do?
Instead, when will I feel contented?
When will everything sink in?

That stare isn't supposed to be mine
Yet I caught it

I caught a glimpse of your galaxy
Trying to mix in with mine.
How can every galaxy in your eyes,
Pull my soul closer to those stars
The stars that makes you shine the brightest?

That stare,
That black hole have eaten me alive
Thank goodness, I was sane that time
Or else I might do something I will regret.

My heart is contented with that glimpse.
The glimpse that made every vein jump
The galaxy that made my body chill
The stare that made my whole being still.

This is the first time I felt it.
It is an honor to feel the type of love that I craved.
A paradox of yearning the type of love that makes you breathe.
Unconditional.
Nezuko and Tanjiro.
Gojo and Geto.
This might be the last time I will feel it, too.

"Magpapaalam ka ba sa tahanan mo pag uuwi ka sa kanya?"
"Hihingi ka ba ng tawad sa bahay mo pag papasok ka sa kanya?"

thank you,
for always showing me how harsh reality is
thank you,
for saying there will always be rain
thank you,
for not lying that life is beautiful
thank you,
for lowering my expectations

for those things,
saved me

but, thank you, even after all those,
accompanying me during those times is the most i'm thankful for

I heard a story one time,
A story I couldn't and wish not to forget.

There was a boy.
A small young boy, sensitive to what other feels,
A kind young boy who chooses to see the good out of everyone.
He's an innocent young boy who sees the world in a good sense.
One day, he was playing in a playground,
He saw an insect walking in the middle of it.
He and his friends were playing a game, and that game needs running.
He so badly wanted to protect the insect that he went directly to the insect.
He covered the insect with both of his hands, trying to protect it from the kids who are running.
The other kids saw what he did.
Never did he know he can influence other people that easily.
The other kids copied what he did, and covered him while he was covering the insect.
He knows the intentions of the kids were good.
He saw that the other kids just wanted to do what he was doing because he see the good in people.
But due to the weight of all the kids,
When he opened both of his hands where the insect can be found,
He saw the insect crushed and flat.
It broke his heart.
It broke his heart so much that he couldn't forget the story.

This boy that I'm talking about is now a man with job and responsibilities.
He still remembers clearly the time that his inner kid couldn't forget.
I could still see the inner kid in him, every single time we spent together.
I could still see the boy that protected the insect and had his heart broken because the insect died.
He's still the sensitive boy, hiding in a "have a strong heart" man.
He still gets his heart broken in the smallest things, hiding in a "I'm okay, I can do it."
I'm happy I witnessed both the boy and the man.
And I'm happy I get to experience to love this boy and this man.

A dog taught me a very important lesson today.
As I was washing the dishes, he is just sitting down, waiting for his owner to come back.
I wondered, “Does he know how long will his owner be gone?”
I continued washing the dishes, and another thought came up, “Does he even care how long he needs to wait?”
All the dog wanted to do was see his owner again, to bond with his owner again.
And in order to do that, he has to wait.
A thought came up again, “Does he like waiting?”
I continued the dishes while waiting for another thought to come by, but there was nothing.
I realized, it was not an important question, and it’s not even a question to be answered.
Because the “waiting” process does not matter to the dog.
It didn’t matter if the dog likes to wait or not.
All that matters to the dog was his owner will come back.
Whenever, wherever, his owner will come back, and he fully believes it.
The dog believes his owner will come back.
The dog trusts his owner to come back.
Even if the owner will be late or early, the dog will automatically forgive as long as the owner will come back.
Even if it will take days, the dog believes.
Because the dog “loves” the owner with his whole soul.
It’s the type of unconditional love where “waiting” is natural to do so.
It’s the love that conquers everything.
The dog mastered it naturally like it’s his second nature.