She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things she's experiencing now.
She's clever, intuitive, and knows exactly what to do given any situation she'll experience.
There is no difference this time.
She knows what she needs to be done this time, even before her friends told her what to do.
She knows what to avoid the first time she heard him tell that.
She knows that everything is wrong the moment she'll continue.
She knows that it will hurt her if she proceed.
She knows, but her heart didn't.

Let me tell you something about her.
Her complex mind makes her one of the saddest person to live in this planet.
She cried a ton, for multiple reasons she could ever think.
There's never a day where she thinks, "Oh, someone can understand me today," as her complexity makes everyone, I'm not even kidding, misunderstand her.
She might say that she got used to being misunderstood that being understood scares her.
Out of a million, if a person shows that he/she sees her, of he/she understands her, she backs out.
She has gone through a lot of pain, no one could ever imagine what she had gone through.
A lot of people invalidate her, call her childish, immature and everything that they can see on the surface.
And as much as it saddens her, there are times where she believed those people.
There are times where she forgot her power.
She once believed that she could meet her person, one day.
Now, she's slowly believing that no one will ever be there for her.
As days go by, as thoughts cram to her head like a wildfire, her heart slowly got locked away and it forgot what it felt to love.
What it felt to say the words, "I love you," that it scares her whenever she hears those three words.
It's now her weakness.
Those three words could make her weak in the knees, and make her cry.
The thing that she is scared of is happening now.
Her walls are higher, highest that it's ever been.
Her trust in people are close to none.
Her belief that love exists in this world is slowly fading.
Her heart that was once can see the good in relationships, are slowly going away.
She was once a girl, full of principles she thought will not go away.
She can blame the society for all the beliefs she has now, but at the end of the day, it is her who accepted those beliefs.
She has been alone, she always felt alone, and nothing has changed.

She can say that that is the reason why she made those decisions.
She wanted intimacy.
She wanted someone to care, even if it's not exactly the same as to how she cares.
She wanted someone to tell her problems to, even knowing she needs time to fully trust a person.
She has never fully trusted anyone, so she doesn't know where to start.
She wanted a person.
Her person.
Consistent person.
Decided person.
Her person.
A person who will not leave her even when she wanted to leave.
A person who will hug her when she cries so loud, and tries to break off of the hug.
A person who will be there.
Not in words, not in actions, but in soul.
A person who she knows will be there no matter what.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
She wants to justify those things by saying that she's the saddest person in the world.
She wants someone to see her.
She wants someone to ask, "What did the world do to you that made you do such things?"
She wants someone to look at her in the eyes, and she will feel that that person will listen to her, see her, and will not leave her.
She wants peace.
She wants safety.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
And I hope it's not too late for her to fix everything.
I hope it's not too late for her to be happy in the way she wants to.

to the guy that has been black and blue:
thank you for coming to my life
thank you for knocking outside my door
and thank you for listening to my problems
sincerely and genuinely

but I still hate you
I hate you for being the guy whom I still don't know
the guy who has been there, knowing me
but I still don't have a clue on who you are

you care, then you don't
I guess, who falls first lost eh?
and I guess I lost the battle.

you make gestures that are unexpected
and my being can't get over it
then after a while, you became cold
like you didn't meant anything that you've said

I still don't get you
and maybe I will forever won't get you
but I'll always be here,
as a friend

I won't be lost.
and maybe, at the end of the day
I will be the one who'll get hurt
for you will leave one day,
and I will let you.

in this world
full of people talking about themselves,
in this world
full of people minding about themselves

thank you,
for being the one who listens

thank you,
for lending an ear every time one needs it

and thank you,

for every good listener,
needs a listener, too.

I like how you are a free person.
You follow the beat of your own drum.
You listen to your emotions, and will not let anyone change it. You control it.
You have been through a lot, and I'm proud that you overcame all the problems that you had, almost alone.
I'm proud, and I'm thankful I got to know a person like you.

Thank you for letting me hear your life story.
Thank you for letting me into your life, even just the tiny part of it.
Thank you for spending time with me whenever we have the chance.
And most specially, thank you for all the lessons.

I can finally say that you're the greatest lesson in my life.

"The pain is my only reminder that he was real,
that you all were."

i believe that there are 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 in this world;

a 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 knocks at your doorstep,
a smile is formed,
that's excitement waiting for you to open the door!
one happiness is born.

on one side,
a 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 knocks at your doorstep,
everything became a moment of peace,
invisibility has engulfed all problems,
another happiness is born.

i believe that there are two happiness in this world;
one is gained from 𝐞𝐱𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭,
and the other is from 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐞.

There were two roads.
We chose to walk on the right side,
Didn't know that there will be a cross road ahead
I'm too confident thinking that you will still choose the right side
And a sudden realization happen;
I was left alone,
Walking on the right side.

your eyes made the rainbow shine
I'm a witness of it
everytime you look at me
I'm engulfed by the mysteries
hidden behind those black brown eyes

I said to myself before
I won't let myself fall in your black void
keep reminding myself that I'm just bothered
but hey, your void is so strong
no power can help me not to descend

you're enchanting
the galaxies you bring
made the stars dance happily
I danced with the stars, too
but I don't know if I was happy for so long?

this is supposed to be a poem
but this turned out to be a letter
I... li y
I just want you to be happy
and I'm glad I've known you

what if i really love unconditionally?
what if, all the people that went through and is still in my life, i loved them dearly? like the love that “i’ll do anything for you.”
but i’m just held back by traumas. i’m held back by unhealthy patterns, like the lyric, “i’ve watched this movie before and i know the ending” kind of feeling.
i never really regretted every decision that i had, but it’s sad. it’s still making me sad.
that living in this earth, there was always no option for me to stay.
that staying will make me feel miserable.
that the decision of staying isn’t exactly what i feel like i should do.
and it *****, you know? because i’m so tired, and i just really wanna have a constant in life. a constant in everything.
i do have friends who i treat as constants, and i firmly know that they’ll stay.
but i want someone to be my companion. that it’s more painful to let go than to hold on. that i have no choice but to stay. and that person will fight for me, for us.
the same way i’ll fight for us, too.

Love is peace.
Love is where the birds chirp in the sky, no smoke is seen.
Love is where the wind blows right, hair strands in sync with the flow.
Love is where the cars mildly run on a highway, no over-speeding.
Love is where kids are running in a wide field, catching each other as if they are in another universe.
Love is where balloons are filled with helium, held by a kid's hand.
Love is where foods are all over the place, people patiently lining up to buy food, catching up with their friends while they wait.
Love is where you can hear laughters loud and clear, as if reality is so far away.
Love is where you hear the sea waves gently clash through the rocks.
Love is where you share picnic mat with your friends, or coworkers, sharing food.
Love is where you look at the skies, talking to someone you love, as if you're both alone in the world.
Love is where you made someone smile in the little things that you do.
Love is everywhere. Peace is everywhere.
You just have to look for it.

When you're trying your best
But things just won't work out

it's time to completely let go,
quietly.

You were the first one
That both my heart and mind can handle
Not too much of a cry
Not too much of a smile

You are the great example of average
My soul meets someone
That made it feel average
Yet contented

No strings attached, as the brain said
All strings attached, as the heart said
Ready as a warrior, ones heart
But weakling at the actual fight

Stop, the brain again proclaimed
Stop, protesting that this should not continue anymore
Stop, pleading as if whispering to the wounded

"You can't take it anymore,
Why did we even start this?" asked brain.

"I was happy at the beginning,
and it's all that it takes." heart answered.

it is either you are

a walking lesson,
a walking memory,
a walking inspiration,
or a walking lifetime to someone,

you will always have a purpose in life.

I witnessed a specific type of bird today.
It was walking through the rocks in the sea, trying to mind and fight the waves.
All I was thinking was, "Can he do it?" not even keeping in mind if the bird has a destination.
"Will he do it?"
"Can he reach the end?" where the end isn't even known.
Then, when the bird reached the almost end of the rocks, I thought to myself, "Can he fly?"
Pure thoughts of hesitations and doubts flew into my mind.
And when the bird flew, I said to myself, "Oh, he can."
Which made me think, why did I doubt the bird that he can fly in the first place?

you with the sea,
who would've thought that,
it'll be a magical combination
no art could give

the serenity the sea reflects,
the peace my heart felt whenever I look at you,
problems disappear
a masterpiece is created

you with the sea,
I want to cry in pain
the beauty it portray
appreciation is not enough

sunsets, sunrise
could I ever see that scene again?
you with the sea
how enchanting that be

There are different reasons why you write.
You write because...
...you're happy?
you're sad?
you're delighted?
you're mourning?
keeping a secret?
But whichever reason you have,
you still write what's inside.
What other people can't see,
can't decipher beneath the words you speak,
can't understand the emotions flowing
through the sentences you can't speak out loud.
You write, pouring the feelings you can't let out,
you write. using the words you once thought can't explain what you feel.
You write, thinking that someone out there can finally discern what you're hiding inside.