at the sight of your smile,
i stopped.

its been a while since i last heard from you
day after day and not a single word from you

you tell me not to be paranoid
but how am i not suppose to think about those things when i hear nothing from you
to think that you no longer want me
to think that i no longer have any significance for you

i miss you so much and not a word from you i get
not to mention your voice
your sweet, soft, beautiful voice
its been weeks since my pitiful body has heard your voice

i sometimes wonder if all those long chats over the months even mean anything
you'd tell me you feel these things and tell you the same
but how did we end up here
how did i end up suffering, begging for you to say something to me
anything

i wish you understood how much it hurts
how much you not being around makes my skin crawl
and how much it makes me want to scream
plead for you to say something

i just miss you, thats all

you approach me,
telling me all these things about a girl,
someone that broke you and bretrayed you and made you feel worthless
because you everyday were worried about her
knowing nothing of her
and wanting to be there with her,
but instead she,
stabbed you in the back and played you like a fool.
am i her?
am i this sociopathic ***** you're talking about?
am i the girl who you wish for me, and my family and my entire race to die just because somewhere in the past you were betrayed?
it hurts you know,
to know that i could be this person
but you not having it enough to tell it to my face
but have it in you enough to want me and my family to die.
smiles, smiles, smiles
with lies hidden inside.
a smile that stabs you in the back when you turn.
if thats what you say about her
then i dont know what to say to you

we learn to uneducate
the educated
so they too
can learn whats its like to be in others shoes

sometimes i wonder
sometime i wonder if i am holding on
the tips of your hair,
the only living thing thats keeping it on your head

is that me?
is everything ive ever lived with, for, dead?

you don't feel your hair being alive,
you only feel it when something is tugging on it
we sometimes forget that its even there,
that were even alive, until that pull
the pull that separates death from pain
pain from life

we're holding on by a strand.



thursday 12th january 12:20 AM 2012

your eyes soft as the winter sun
and it shines down on me
the wounds from my cuts heal
and your salty beach hits me

the stinging sensation is to die for
it cuts
its burns
but its just what i need


sunday jan 22, 2012 10:57 pm

why a unicorn, why not unihorn

wouldnt it make more sense if it was called a unihorn

maybe the fact that it sounds odd compared to unicorn

or maybe when it *****, corn comes out

kernel by kernel

but who knows really,

just the fact that its not called a unihorn but a unicorn


sunday march 11, 2012

could your body really ache for someones touch
the way their hands can make you feel like you're going to lose yourself
the image of them gives you chill and tingles
while they on the other hand might not feel what you're feeling

you long for a touch that was never there
feelings that they might not know exist
but deep inside you feel it, you want it so bad

you crave it.


monday february 13 2012 8:07 pm

i cant still feel your hair on my hand
the way it glides between my little fingers
short stubbles of your flaxen locks
the way it interlocks with my weary hand as it moves all around
as painful as the grass beneath my naked feet
though i sink to the earth
mellow like the ocean tides

but not a glace afterwards
evermore harsh
evermore loud
but softy as you whisper nothing into my ears
say hello to mute goodbye

a room filled with people
blasting bass
and blaring lights
smoke
whiskey
heat
we're all one in a dark room.
mellow movements with the music,
there we were.
there you were.
hands on each other
our fingers locked my body to yours,
theres no point in hiding
no point in denial
there would be a point to let go
you did and so did i.
there you were,
culminating perfection
just for tonight
snug lips,
rhythmic tongue
as it dances in me like we danced in this room.

i watched you as you walked away
still lingering for another second,
another moment to hold on to.

without a touch
without words,
a kiss without a breath

****** expressions.
whispers.
moans.
i hear you next to me;
touches on my skin,
steal my heart
and ill appeal to you with lust

without a touch
without words,
a kiss without a breath

We weren't doing very much. I felt uncomfortable with the idea that being completely comfortable was okay. I was in your shirt because I would have had to wear my tomorrow **** that night if yours weren't given to me. I remember smelling it as soon as you have it to me, wanting to remember what you could smell like as people who run into our lives are temporal, and you were someone I wanted to keep. At one point I was afraid that what you were told could maybe change your mind on how you instinctively felt for me.

Rolling around in bed, trying to sleep, but at the same time just basking myself in a comfortability that I could get used to. "Do you have toast?" I asked at 4 in the morning just because I was already thing about what I could watch you make for me.

It's funny how the warmth of someone else's skin makes you feel so at home, but being in your own shell makes you feel so alone. I felt like I've known you for years, but in reality it's only the first time we've seen each other.

He took me with him on the way to work so that I could be dropped off and get along to what I need to do. We didn't have toast, I want worried. For once I felt like it would be okay for me to leave my toothbrush by the sink and know that there was a place for it, and I could come back.

they told me what didn't **** me only made me stronger,
what they didn't tell me was that the burden of what could have killed me, should have killed me, was going to carry on for the rest of my life.
every waking day i see myself, and its just a constant reminder of all the things i've been through,
the days, the moments of pure happiness that i wish to react,
or the moments where i feel the need to die, the shame, the embarrassment of still having the capacity to breath, the ability to walk around carrying what isn't more than just cells and organs.
i am still alive because of what didn't **** me,
but is it for the better that i am stronger?
or is it just an excuse, a reasoning to the ones who've had more achievements in theirs lives.
maybe the journey to which i'm taking is a long and agonizing 'achievement'
but is it making me stronger?
am i honestly, truly going to be a better person just because I've lived and gone through moments where other haven't
maybe the time has yet to come for me to be 'stronger'
maybe i'm not realizing or seeing that this,
me right now,
was a stronger me than i was before,
but how is no one realizing that what doesn't **** you only haunts you for the rest of your life?
maybe we all choose to ignore that fact and instead give it a better name than what it already has
we've all been to different trails
we're all going on different ones now,
and the choices,
decisions,
and moments we see,
will continue to be with us for as long as we're going to exist.
for what i know now is that,
what doesn't **** me hasn't made me stronger,
its made me realize that its what im going to have to live with whether its
pain or joy,
tears or fear,
laughter or lust.
until it kills me,
it carries me with all my burdens and regrets
just as i carry my moments of love and joy

when pain comes,
it hurts
but when pain leaves
it hurts more

it hurts not having anything to fight for
it hurts knowing that its all over
it hurts when you depend on the pain to feel alive
it hurts when it all ends

im disgusting
i make you sick to your stomach
you'd **** on me
you  hate me

things ive done in life aren't all good
but atleast the ones that aren't,
i regret doing them
maybe its a good cause for me
but know that its bad ,
makes it not so good

im sick
im not wanted by anyone i respect
trash
****
******* ****
call me what you want and
i'd feel like am i one

i am sorry



moday jan 16 2012 12:49

if i somehow could erase the minds of people who've never really had a mind
would i be a criminal?
would i be stealing?
whether its ideas or brainwashing people into doing things that they havent done
or maybe just to have them forget what they've remember

i could be running around
running,
out
of
my
mind

i mean honestly,
we're just particles
and atoms and cells
floating around like dust almost
tell me where our mind is suppose to be
what are we suppose to be doing with ourselves?

sadly, there is no life manual
no "guide" to life and our choices,
it is what it is

what am i doing here?
why am i waiting for someone who isnt waiting for me?
the *****, was mine to call
but now it seems liek the tables have turned
& its turned hard
what am i really suppose to be doing at this time of day?
well,
i know the answer to that question
& so do you.
yet,
im still here.
waiting, wondering, and wasting time that need not be wasted.
i've just finished my second glass of coffee
& im not going strong at all.
i feel like a ******.
waiting for my client to **** me,
so i can get money to feed my children of three different races.

She asked me if i wanted a light.
of course, i said no.
the dark parts of my brain is
coming to be the dark comfort of my day.
im sticky, & icky,
im not pleasant to touch or be with,
but im still here
why am i here ?

i cant sleep with the anticipation that you’re not here with me, when will i get to hear from you in my moment of paralysis.

i cant stop thinking about how much i want you, to feel you, for you to just hold me. its not about the ***, its not the ****** moist feeling ******* out of me, its not the penetrations.

i cant restrain myself from letting everything go and giving you all i have. im not even sure if you want my existence in your presence, but it feels inviting, and i want to be in your presence.

i don’t want to be that loose string hanging off your tee shirt that you somehow just cant seem to get off, but i do feel like i am.

please dont chew me up then spit me out. it would hurts and just thinking about it hurts.

but just to let you know, im all yours


wednesday february 29, 2012

my mouth tastes of the bitterness from cigarettes while sweetness fills my tastes buds from the last lick of my lollipop
i sit and wonder if tomorrow will be bright and exciting or will it be stressful and undesirable.
as i sit the wind calmly blows and brushes against my skin as if its telling to let everything go, and it will take all my worries away. it ends in a second.
as though my chances were too late, and i now have to carry my own burdens and mistakes until it'll come again.

sunday december 11th 2011 11:47 pm

"why? you dont even sound good"


thanks dad.

ive lost myself,

and no one can find me except me,

how can you find something when you dont know what to look for

even if you did, you wouldn’t know where


friday january 27 5:47 pm 2012

without words coming out my mouth

without sounds for you to hear.

its still beating fast,

slow,

palpitation you call it

it skips a beat,

then back together again.

can we be the ones who’ve fallen for the spaces?



can we really wait? what for?

are we actually waiting for something thats actually there?

it doesnt matter,

“nothing matters” you say

i feel it,

you feel it,

its all that matters.

near or far

real or fake

i feel you


12:55 am friday february 17, 2012

today, i sent to you my bottle
it is not filled with water,
but with tears
take it for it'll send you thirst for my sorrow


wednesday january 4th 2012

i love you more than words can say
i love you more each and everyday
i love you,
i love you,
i love you.

you are more than time,
we are not certain if time lasts forever
but for now, it does

you are time,
my time
all of my time
whether you're running around in my head
or when im drifting off or gazing at the site of what you posses of me
i am yours for as long as time will last

without words
without lust
things are never turn out how you want it to seem
now the ocean's yours


saturday 7th december 2011