my friend, i cannot promise,
nor guarantee you
that this life will ever get easier.

this world is a cruel, broken thing

when you fall to your knees,
she will not rise to stop you,
nor soften the impact.

if you press your forehead
to her ground,
sometimes she will roar
and start a riot.

she quakes in her agony
and rages in her fury
as she tears open the skies,

and you and i,
will weep for her
when everything falls apart.

i cannot stop the ending
that comes with heedless abandonment

i cannot alleviate the hurt
or heal what’s left of your heart

but I can promise i am here,
and i will be here.

for the pain
and the healing,

for the numbness
and the feeling,

i am here, my friend,

And you will never
have to suffer alone again.
you will never walk alone, again.

i asked you to be mine,
as a frail joke,
and you told me,
i knew the answer.
i did know the answer,
i just wanted to hear it from you,
even though i knew it would break me.
for you to want me,
but not give it to me.
it almost brought me to the brink of destruction.
how could the best person to have arrived in this gruesome life that we all lead,
be not allowed to be mine?
i tried to laugh it out,
to not be bothered by the circumstance
i am presented.
you told me to ask you again,
and i was puzzled.
why would you want to hurt me again?
but still,
i did.
and this time, you said yes.

i asked you to be mine,
and you said yes.

i will always need you
and want you.
i imagine lifetimes ago,
it was you,
and now that i've finally met you,
its still you.

and now
i’m afraid of you
of how much i love you
of how much you mean to me
because i’m afraid that you’ll get tired of me
or decide i’m too much to handle,
that you'll one day wake up and think,
i’m not worth it anymore
i’m afraid that you’ll realize
i don’t deserve you
that you can do better than settling for me
and even though i want you to be different
i’m afraid that you’ll end up like everyone else
that no matter how much i try to keep you,
i'm just not it for you.
i’m afraid that you’re the best thing to ever happen to me
and i’m so afraid of messing it up.

i finally met you,
i'm afraid of all there is about this.
i love you.

i know you think you are forgettable.
that you are what is left after all else is gone.

you are the moment that held on
for a little too long
before everything finally concluded.

you are the wound
that never mended
but perhaps,
during those times,
you healed just enough
to stop the bleeding
and stop the pain.

you are the fall
that never bloomed,
and never rose again.
the petals that never grew.

you are the girl
who loved,
and eventually lost.

the girl who did not matter enough
for her to remember your name.

maybe you are the same
as the dust motes in the dying light
with their fragile flight,
hopeless,
as they disappear.

you never quite belonged to where you are now.
so you feel, the place never reaches for you.

there is nothing this place,
and maybe she as well,
wants to keep from you,
and you are not permanent enough to be asked to stay.

not even your words can fight to be permanent,
and she will forget all the letters you've written.

but you've done what you can do,
and you've done it all too well.
you've made your own path,
even in a place overgrown.
you’ve changed the
morning and the
mountains for her.

you've done what you can do,
and you've done it all too well.
i'm sorry,
i'm sorry.

if you are to leave me,
my darling,
then do so.
leave.
escape.

do not close the door
on your way out.
leave it open.
let the world
pour in
so you can see the ruin,
you left in your wake.

let me hear the sounds on the outside
making noise
so i can drown out the ghosts
you've created,
who can no longer breathe your name.

open the window, my love
and allow the sunshine to seep through.
slowly touching and soothing
the shadows in every corner

please don't turn around.
don't you dare turn around.

i want this new existence
to begin
devoid of you.

you do not have the right to see
what is left of me
after you are gone.

i am at home in my grief.
i will breathe in
the spring breeze
and eventually the summer air
and allow new life to grow.

i am a lot stronger
than you will ever appreciate,
so please, walk away,
you do not get to see my fall.

no,
you do not deserve
any part of me,
at all.

if you are to leave,
my love,
then leave.

i will not be in despair,
and grieve
for long.
i swear,
i hope.

i know,
i know.
the weight of my soul
is much too heavy to hold.

my spirit sinks beneath my bones
as it pulls me down,
further,
deeper,
i drown,
i drown
i drown.

forgive me if my name comes with so much weight,
that perhaps it makes you hesitate
before you inhale,
and breathe.

and my darling dear, i mourn.
i grieve, every time my name leaves you weak,
fallen, and on your knees.

my heart was meant to love you,
but instead,
i hurt you.
and my ghost built a home in your head,
and destroyed whatever was left.

i regret it fully, my sweet,
oh how i regret it.

i was much too selfish
to set you free.
so i took you in my arms
and you drowned with me.

perhaps,
some people will never truly leave.
they'll always be inside of you,
crushing your bones
and
setting your very heart on fire
whilst their blood still courses through your veins
like kerosene.