It's been a long time since things have been quiet
I'm always on social media,
Playing music
With the t.v. on in the background
I fall asleep to Netflix episodes I never watch,
I just put them on to lull me to sleep
It's been a long time
Since I've stopped the constant chatter of electronics,
And just sat silently with the natural sounds
I suppose they scare me
I'm numbing with devices
Filling my mind with empty vices
Until I finally experience the silence
And my mind speaks out in violence
I want the quiet,
I need the quiet
But I can't stand what my mind is
When all the chatter isn't there.

I don't like clocks
I cover them with a cloak
I hide away under white covers
Light tries to break through my shades
But I am away, I am away
I am a stowaway
On life's ride
I'm just here for free
I refuse any limitations that would bind me
Time passes like molasses
I'm on a spinning rock
And my mind is spinning too.

You're in love with her.
She's the kind of soft that makes the sun fall to its knees every evening just to get a closer glimpse.
She's everything that makes a boy believe in god.
How else could he be alive at the same time as her if he didn't?
The odds are too great for there to be any other reason that he gets to make her smile.
That kind of smile that's designed to melt boys like him that i've turned cold.
You thought I was her once.
Speaking of thoughts, do I ever cross your mind sometimes like you cross mine? Even if unintentional?
At night I accidentally love you like no time has passed.
I know it's just my unconscious mind, but while I sleep there's a version of you that loves me still.
You're a dream that I wish wasn't.
So it's the worst kind of accident you could say.
Maybe not accidental if gods real like you believe he is.
My dreams might possibly just be his way of saying "*******".

Before we figure out how to be tenderly strong
we must first decipher what it means to be tenderly strong

To be tenderly strong
means to be soft and vulnerable,
playful like a child,
with a wide open heart
that jumps at every opportunity to share love

But that just covers the tenderness
We mustn't abandon our strength,
Our will to advocate for human rights
The New Thought movement has taught people
That there is no other,
That all evil is based in shame
And all aspects of life that are incongruent with peace
Are merely illusion
They say everything is love,
Even the act of ****** (I actually read that in a new thought book)
But calling evil things good
Only make us complacent delusional idiots
High on feel good endorphins
While we turn a blind eye to people's suffering

To be tender and to be strong
Seems almost at war with each other
But now I am seeing that you need to be tender first to be strong,
And you must be strong to protect your own tenderness
Your tenderness is your wide open heart that loves the whole world and everything in it,
Your strength puts that love into action
Your tenderness is wholly compassionate and can hold deep space for other's suffering and for your own,
Your strength knows how to measure out and deliver that compassion
Your tenderness is the friendly kid-like kindness that you want to gleefully share with everyone,
Your strength is the loving parent that sets healthy boundaries with the outside world, allowing the inner-child to play in security

You need both tenderness and strength
In relating to the world
you can't be too saccharine or people will walk all over you,
and you mustn't be too strong or people will never be able to know you intimately.

I don't believe in love the way I used to
I use to dream of far off fairy tale kingdoms
Where valiant princes rescue damsels in distress
But I've grown a lot, I've evolved
I like being strong for myself,
Having my own interests
And being liked for me and not just my appearance
I don't feel like I need love in a romantic sense
I feel like all my needs for love are met
By way of a diverse gang of interesting people
My patience is being cultivated
As I dive deeper into these intimate heart connections
That initially feel scary
But are so rewarding in the long run
Maybe I'm just training for the most soul-shattering
Love relationship in my life
But the dynamic of this relationship won't be the knight in shining armor, damsel in distress paradigm
But two whole people entering into a union of love
Shaped by boundaries
And molded by mutual respect
So, no
I no longer believe that anyone can "save" me in the form of a romantic relationship
I saved myself, with the support of my community
But ultimately,
I did the work, but my community allowed me to put my work into practice.

This mind of mine is comprised of horrors
I smile all the time but all my dreams are nightmares
I live in constant fear,
Paranoid glances over my shoulder,
Impending doom always seems to be on the rise
Like tidal waves threatening to consume my small reality
I feel numb, so ******* numb
And everyone I know is empty too
Pretending to be okay,
Too scared to love, too scared to live
Everything is just so intense
I'm tired of persisting in this way, but I don't change
I see promise on the precipice,
Yes, right on the edge of this cliff,
What if I jumped?
Would I fly?
If I jumped, would it stop these tears that I cry?
If only, if only they had compassion,
If only I felt love
If only just one person would look into my eyes
With love and understanding,
I think it would soften the blow
Of my harsh reality.

If dreams came true
Right now I would be holding you
I would be so deep into the center of my bliss
I would see the world in vibrant hues
My inner world would become warm like honey with your every kiss
I dream of you,
But dreams never seem to come true
I like to think of love as a fairytale
So maybe that's why I find it to be so elusive
It's like trying to catch a mythical faerie
That flies so high, so far away
She is beautiful, ethereal
Yet so out of reach
Maybe I put the idea of love on a pedestal
But I won't accept
Tarnished love
I can't seem to settle for what I would call
Lackluster love
Love that is devoid of imagination, wonder, whimsy
I want the magic,
I want the deep, earth-shattering connection,
But can I be open to
The shadow?
The darkness of another
The hurt, the pain, the dull quiet ache of their unexpressed wound
That needs my love
To encourage it to the surface
And heal it in the light?