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Patrick Austin
Sep 2018
Our Backgrounds before we met...
I'm an only child born in Montana in 1983, from a divided home. Parents divorced at seven, Mom was unstable and unfaithful. Dad obtained custody of me and we moved to Oregon Coast to live with my Grandma. I had unhealthy visits and relationship with Mom thereafter. My Grandma died at 12 and at 13 my Dad remarried an alcoholic woman, I had a strained relationship with them until adulthood when she stopped drinking. I had exposure to trauma; alcoholism, mental illness, verbal abuse and juvenile troubles. I rebelled by using drugs in my late teens and early twenties, I lived on my own for a few years after high school but had little direction.
My bride is the eldest with two little brothers, parents stayed in same area of Portland during childhood with lots of family support and her parents stayed married. They had Christian values but some anger and anxiety issues at home. She was sexually assaulted at 17 and never had good closure with this. She told me her parents didn't provide her enough help with things like this growing up. Status quo was the backbone of the family dynamic, challenging emotions were discouraged. She rebelled by being reckless with herself, financially and sexually. She decided to join the Navy at 19. She lived alone briefly, but mostly with Grandparents & Parents before our marriage.
I loved how we both grew up reading Archie comics. No other girl I had ever met had that in common with me. I think we wanted a surreal life like the one in Riverdale.
2002
She and I were 19 when we first met in my home town on the coast at an arcade. We became friends and secretly liked each other. I was too nervous to ever make a move on her. We traveled together, she stayed with me, we used drugs together and drank at times. One night she drank too much and had *** with a guy I knew at a party. I was devastated by this. She was Navy bound and I didn't see a real future for us. The next morning she left and I didn't talk to her again for two years. I figured she would be gone with the Navy soon and that she must not have been interested in a relationship with me despite the time we spent together.
2003
I was depressed about this rejection. I dated an older woman who was interested in me but was no substitute. I eventually moved to the Portland area to work and live. I still had few plans and was lonely, in or out of the few brief relationships I attempted. I never found someone that I felt safe with or had a true connection, let alone true love. She ended up not following through with the Navy and continued working her way up in her job at the call center. She attended community college and dated a few guys. She dated one guy for a couple of years who was not a good match for her but stayed with him off and on despite issues. His family was wealthy and treated her well. He slept around on her as did she. At one point he gave her an STD. She also had an ongoing affair with a married man in the military that she went to high school with. He had a child and a wife with mental health issues. She was still hurting a lot at times and not always doing well.
2004
She reached out to me via email after two years of no contact. We emailed back and forth a couple times over the next few months. We talked about meeting up. We spoke on the phone and eventually met up in Portland. We had an amazing night getting to know each other again and work past the confusion of our earlier days of friendship. I realized that she did in fact like me before but since I was timid and trying to be proper and take things slowly she didn't understand my motives. She apologized for her actions at the party as well. She claimed she was in a really messed up place and was making bad choices at that time. Getting our feelings out in the open was good and she appreciated my attitude towards being slow to make moves on her when we first met. I was worried about falling for her based on our history but eventually I was determined to give it a shot. We soon after starting dating and being intimate. Our love was extremely powerful and beyond all others we had both experienced. She broke ties with other suitors and shortly after we talked about marriage and started planning a wedding for the next year.
I remember when we first held hands. We were so shakey and she was quivering on my couch as I had my arm around her. We felt so safe with each other. We could finally be ourselves and do what our hearts desired. We knew we were on to something new and so amazing. We were so patient with each other as we navigated our new love and emotional thresholds.
I remember when we saw Matisyahu in concert together. That was a once in a lifetime experience and a life-changing moment for us. I feel it set the tone for things to come in our future.
I remember how creative my proposal to her was, in the Arcade where we first met. I hid the ring in a prize container from one of those claw machines. Pretending I got the ring from inside by reaching into the machine on one knee I was so nervous and wasn't sure if I could pull it off before she caught on. She looked so shocked and surprised. I was so excited she said yes! We took pictures in the photo machine and had burgers afterwards, I'd do all of it all over again just to see her face in that moment.
2005
We found an apartment for us in Portland. I moved in while she was still living back with her parents until the wedding. She had to change her number because the married man she was previously involved with kept calling her about changing her mind about marriage and continuing their relationship. She was offered a job in Denver and we decided to move away together after our sandy wedding in Cannon Beach. I still had a very hard time and was embarrassed with my past history with her. Many of my friends knew what had happened at 19 and how much it hurt me but I was so crazy about her I think I tried to pretend it didn't happen or that it was not a big deal because we were younger. We got married and moved to Colorado soon after. We made friends at a church, I became more active as a Christian and really loved being married. We were very involved in keeping spirituality in our marriage. I began to notice her poor financial decisions and practices more. This caused conflict but we always tried to communicate and work on things.
I remember when we went down to my folks for New Year's in 2005. We sipped tea in my Datsun as we drove to the coast over the snowy mountain pass. We told them of our engagement. We were all so blissful and excited. We never knew what was to come. We didn't even know about the opportunity in Denver yet. Our story is amazing!
I remember when I wanted to go see her in Portland and the roads were iced over. I left my car at a park and ride before I caused a wreck. I took the light rail across town then rode a bus to the Eastside shopping mall. The bus to her house was not running because it wasn't safe so I walked the rest of the 4 Miles sometimes having to crawl on my hands and knees to make it up hills in the ice and then I finally made it only to just spend a couple hours with her and fall asleep on her parents couch. Her Dad drove us back the next morning to my car so I could get to work. It was all worth it just to see her for that little extra time. I would have done anything for her.
I remember when she was interviewing for the new position in Denver? I drove all over Portland trying to find little toy cars to help with her illustration about how a team is like a car having all four wheels and how they work together to accomplish a goal. I was so proud of her for giving it her all and succeeding at earning that position. Now that I think of it, that car analogy applies to our family and us. We all need each other to be better and keep on track and be a team. I am so motivated by that and our boys. I lose my way without that and I want to be her reflection and motivation as she has been that for me. I truly thought we brought out the best in each other when we were together.
I remember when we were given tickets to see Fiona Apple. That was so spontaneous and a great way to kick off our time in Denver together. We always used to watch our same movies over and over again. Like the Friends DVDs and White Christmas every winter break and The Wedding Singer. We walked everywhere and lived simply. "I wanna be the guy, who grows old with you"
I remember in our first Denver apartment when we took baths together in our claw foot tub in the big bathroom. We put a board over the top and played cards. I liked playing Uno with her in bed too. She was so funny being slightly color blind and in the dark, mixing up the greens and blues. We played Uno in Breckenridge too at that cool bed and breakfast in the fall.
2006
We had continued fun and adventure in our new home of Denver. She was doing well as a trainer for the bank and I started working in health foods. We went camping in New Mexico a couple times with friends and we both took individual trips to Oregon as well as one together for her uncle's wedding. We had marital spats on occasion but always bounced back. The issues we had seemed like part of a normal marriage and were far better than what I had grown up around. I realized that marriage was a lot of work but I was up for the task. She occasionally became aggressive throwing things at me or breaking things during conflict. I believed I was the problem and tried to change for her in many ways. With two incomes we still had trouble making our bills at times. She had debts that I never knew about that started to catch up with us but I took care of getting them settled and we paid off her car and traded it for an older Volvo Wagon that we both loved, I even had it repainted her favorite color for a birthday gift. Overall things seemed like they were progressing in a positive way.
I remember when we saw Midnight in concert in Boulder. That was the peak of our hippy days. We were alive with pleasure in our healthy vegetarian diets and practices living in a time and place like no other. I want to be like that again. Reggae was our music. We had much in common.
2007
We really fell into our roles in our marriage and the community; church and culture, friends etc. Things seemed very balanced and appropriate for us at that time and that age (24-25). We had separate bank accounts and jobs. I had money in savings. We started the process of buying a house so we could invest in something. She became pregnant shortly after. I embraced the challenge with positive energy but we were both in for a big change. We started having more fights. I didn't have many friends and would write to old friends via social media just so I could to catch up and tell them things were going great with being married to make myself feel better than I actually did. She hated the dawn of social media and also felt isolated I'm sure. She felt I should be doing more for her and I didn't know how to do what she needed but I failed to ask a lot of the time. After one argument, she left the house. My instinct told me to look at ******* and ******* as a retaliation. I had not done this much once we were married because she always met my needs but when things were difficult between us I felt more emotionally isolated. She walked in and realized what I had been doing. She was very upset, and because she was pregnant, thought I was not attracted to her. The truth is I found her even more beautiful and in fact when I looked at ******* I tried to look at women I found less attractive than her so that I feel good about what I have. I mostly fantasized about how these women were more submissive and loving than her. That is the part I needed to feel good about and feel better about myself with because I felt very dominated and controlled. She has never forgiven me for this and I will never stop feeling sorry to her for my brokenness. During one particular argument that year she was getting close to being violent towards me again and I pushed her away on the chest with my fingertips. She got very mad and said I hurt her. I immediately felt terrible and apologized. I never let something like that happen again. I have always avoided violence towards others especially women and of course her. I was defenseless against physical and emotional abuse.
2008
Our eldest son was born at the beginning of the year, it was a traumatic birth for everyone. We wanted a natural birth with a midwife but we were transferred to a hospital and she ended up having an emergency C-section, nothing went as planned. We had a really hard time coping with the emotions of this experience. A lot of buried feelings and trauma from both of us started coming out. We moved a month later into our new home outside of town. No more walking or biking to places, we had to drive everywhere. This house was next to our friends from church. We thought this would make us feel less isolated but we didn’t really have the community with them that we had hoped for. They were upset that they didn't have a child of their own yet and being around us might have been hard for them. My wife stopped working and stayed home with our son. All these changes made for a very difficult time. I did my best to support them but this was the first time we shared a bank account and needed to follow a budget more than ever before. We had no debt at the beginning of the year with money in savings but then the hospital bills put us down about $7,000 and rising with new home and moving expenses and baby needs. My job could barely keep up. She and I had a hard time adjusting. We could not afford to travel home to Oregon and visit family as much and we felt more and more isolated. She started showing me more signs of instability, locking herself in the bathroom with kitchen knives and scraping her legs which continued off and on for years to come. Talks of divorce and suicide threats seemed to happen more than before. I felt responsible and tried to fix her ever changing issues with me.
I remember when herr ******* were full and swollen with milk. It is so beautiful the way she could feed our babies. I wanted her in every way, our bodies belonged to each other. I was there for her and our shared pleasure. I loved it when she told me that she was mine in the heat of passion. This spark could only be a bandage for so long but I didn't know that yet.
2009
I tried to promote within my company but was not selected, they were cutting budgets and employment all around me. I felt worried about our future. I had always thought the military might be a good opportunity and could move us closer to family back home. My father-in-law encouraged me to look into the Coast Guard. I felt this would be a good way to get moved closer to Oregon. I ended up joining the Navy because we found out we were pregnant again with our second son and that was the only way I could join a military branch. She worked off and on as a nanny and later in the year at a coffee house working nights. We barely spent time together and when we did it was a lot of hard conversations or arguments about finances with making up intimately in the middle of the night between times of caring for the baby. She once scratched my neck with her fingernails during an argument. People I worked with noticed. It was a hard time and we knew change was on the horizon with jobs and moving. We did visit Oregon that summer though and had a great vacation at the beach with a borrowed 4x4 and staying at a hotel and picnicking out of a cooler as well as going to her brothers wedding. I was 26 and about to join the Navy to provide better for my family at all costs sacrificing myself for their benefit because I would have rather died than look like I didn't try my best for them.
I remember when our babies would kick and move around inside her belly. I loved laying by her and feeling her tummy. I would hum to the baby and hear them move and squirm. I loved giving our boys baths when they were babies too. We had our little bundles of our love, wrapped in a towel in our hands, so tiny and vulnerable. I miss those days and want to remember them with her, aside from this state of melancholy.
2010
The Navy recruiters would only take me if we rented out our home and had her stay with family during boot camp and training. We moved to a furnished apartment in Denver and put our things in storage. She was 5 months pregnant and our eldest was two. I shortly after was let go from my job. Our second son was born in April. I got a contract with the Navy at the last minute but didn't leave until August. We sold our beloved vehicles and lived off retirement funds for six months and moved down to Florida where her parents had just moved out of the blue for work, to stay with them until I left for boot camp. I applied for temporary work in Florida at a dozen places but had no luck in my three months there. I took care of our eldest a lot while she took care of the new baby. Being in Florida was a culture shock for us but we had our moments of romance and made the best of it. Eventually I left for boot camp in August. It was really hard and sad to be gone. She stayed in Florida and came to visit me with the baby at boot camp graduation in October. I then went to Connecticut for five months of training. It was also hard but at least I could call home every day and be in the same time zone. I visited Florida during the winter break and saw my boys and her. We went to Disney world and had a great time on her parents. We also made a romantic home movie I could enjoy while away from her. I flew back to Connecticut and tried to make the best of things. My roommate was very abusive of substances and I resisted the temptation for a long time but the threat of being submarine service bound and missing my family pushed me to drinking every weekend and getting messed up to escape before I left.
I remember when we drove to Key Largo, Florida and stopped at a crazy bird wildlife center. I remember our oldest was so amazed hearing a bird say hello back to us. It was so foreign and fun there. I am glad we all shared that experience together.
I remember our trip to the citrus grove in Florida. That was such a great day for our family. I always look back on that with really fond sentiment. I felt like I was in a beautiful family music video with them.
2011
I finished Submarine Training and got orders back to the Northwest. The plan was all coming together. I arrived first and bought a car and got our items moved from storage in Denver to our townhouse rental in Washington. She and the boys joined me a month later. I didn't report to my Sub for another month as they were at sea. She became pregnant again with our third son right after arriving. We had just bought a small car and were not planning on another child. Towards the end of the year I was working a lot and having a really hard time, being bullied and treated poorly at work plus our financial situation was still very difficult. Adjusting to the military was hard among younger men being 28. I dreaded each day in that environment but I tried to endure it for my family. I went to sea for a couple months at the end of the year stopping in Hawaii and California. During this time She reached out to her ex married affair partner after six years of no contact. She didn't tell me until later. She said she needed closure with him, we were not in counseling yet but she decided this was appropriate. I flew home early from sea and wanted to surprise her. The stress and trauma of this quick transition home after being to sea for the first time (which was also traumatic) made me want to drink and get messed up before flying. I arrived home and surprised her but I seemed off to her which I was but didn’t explain why, I have never done that since. I got to be home for two months almost work free while we celebrated the holidays and prepared for the new baby to be born. She started getting more involved with a church and building a community for us which was great. Our financial struggles almost led us to foreclosure of our home back in Colorado but by the grace of God we got it sold with a short sale just in time.
I remember when I came back from Hawaii and brought her a beaded necklace and she wore it naked with her big beautiful pregnant goddess belly and we made passionate hippy love together. I want to grow out my beard again and spend my life making hippy love and feeling free again.
2012
Our third son was born in January. It was a very positive birth experience and much less stressful than the other two. Shortly after I flew out to finish the other half of the deployment I had missed. I really focused on being positive and spiritually connected by reading my Bible at sea which was helpful. I called her when I arrived in Japan halfway through being gone. She was upset because she tested positive for an STD while trying to get on birth control. I became suspicious of her yet she was suspicious of me. We both got tested again and I was clean, she told me she had a false positive after all. This put a big strain on our trust, especially being so far away. This forced us to be honest with each other about some things such as her contact with her ex lover and my drinking to cope. We were both very upset until I returned home and we could start some counseling to work through things. Forgiveness seemed to be difficult for us. It brought up hurts of the past when we were 19. She also had severe postpartum depression that became worse after each birth. I was still having a hard time with work and the submarine environment. Our church friends tried to counsel us but it was not the most helpful. My submarine was scheduled for extended repairs and not going to sea for three years, I would be transferred before the end of that period. I used this time to bond with her and my boys. I wanted to get better involved in our community and do volunteer work and side jobs to earn extra money. Our boys were all given diagnosis's for autism which begun to fill our lives with appointments and challenges for years to come but we were a good team in dealing with all of it. It gave us something to work together on but took our focus away from working on our own personal issues and relationship with each other as much as we should have.
2013
We had new years with both sides of our family in a snowy mountain setting in Oregon. It looked like it was going to be a great year until her Grandpa passed away suddenly. It ripped our entire family apart but especially her. He kept the family grounded and she was very close to him, he really loved all of us. She and I started going on dates again because we had Navy sponsored child care. It was the beginning of a really good thing for us. Tragically one night after a date we were dancing with the boys on the patio and I tried to pick her up and I lost my balance and fell on her, breaking her collar bone severely. She needed surgery and was very mad at me for years to come. She has a scar, a metal plate and numbness in her chest. We worked through it with our community from church but she still is very mad at me. I feel more terrible about this incident than she could ever know. I would lose a finger in place of that incident if I could. I continued having a really hard time in the Navy and I didn't want to stay in but She insisted our boys needed care only the Navy could offer. She also said she would divorce me if I ever left the Navy. I took this threat seriously even though she assured me later that she would never actually do that. Against my own convictions I reenlisted because I wanted to do the best thing for my family. We moved into base housing at the end of summer and didn’t go out to do things as much anymore. The house was nice but it ****** us in, we also had less community with people around our home. I started volunteering at church more and doing work with special needs people. I felt like I was doing good things and that I had purpose all around. I think she appreciated this about me.
2014
We started seeing a professional counselor together and individually. It became a regular event. I worked on myself and she worked on herself. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and eventually broke off communication with her for my own well-being and the betterment of my family. I got past a lot of the bad feelings I had. She worked on her traumatic experiences and our relationship dynamics. Just when things were going well I got a new boss who made things hard for me and others at work and I started messing up more. I got in trouble for messing up a job at work and was given strike one on my record. She lost respect for me as a provider but I tried to stay strong showing her that I would continue to do my best.
I remember when we had an appointment in Tacoma and we had a brunch date together afterwards. She looked so beautiful that day, I took her picture and was so proud to enjoy huevos rancheros and momosas with her. I remember going to the Tacoma Art Museum seeing the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit, we have a great time together doing new things and feeding each other's interests. I loved laughing with her too, sometimes we just bust up like nobody's around. I loved the sound of her laughter. I loved watching Portlandia with her, it is so funny to remember the funny place where we became close and be able to relate together.
2015
I kept working hard and being involved with family and appointments for my boys and her. I still maintained my volunteer work and part time side jobs. I got strike two with the Navy for messing up again... I had just gained orders to leave the sub for local shore duty. I could not get out of the extended repair situation soon enough. She was very disappointed in me and not so understanding. I worked through this situation with our counselor as did she. He always told her I am a good man and that I do a lot for her and the boys. It's true, I care more than anything about them, I made mistakes and I feel bad especially when I cause my family stress. I left for shore duty in April. It was a hard time adjusting to the new routine but eventually we seemed to make it work. That summer we took a trip to visit Texas where her parents had just moved from Florida. We spent a great night together for our 10th anniversary in a hotel in Texas and went dancing. We had a lot more time together as my work schedule was less. The more people we had in our home working with our kids on issues the less useful my input seemed. I was not included as much in making family decisions because they all seemed to happen while I was at work, despite my objections. We tried to get our budget under control but she still had anxiety discussing spending. She continued to struggle with depression and was put on medication because she had still been harming herself. She was put on Prozac daily and anti anxiety medication as needed. He family members were not very supportive of medication which upset her but I always tried to be supportive in seeking help and continued care for both of us.
2016
We had a busy routine of kids in school now and home school and preschool and appointments for all of us. She wanted to go to church less and less. I started drinking a couple beers at night almost every day. I tried to mask my stress from her mood swings. She decided not to go to church at all anymore and focused teaching the boys about Jewish traditions exclusively which was hard for me to adjust to and confusing for the boys. I loved her and wanted to be supportive. As usual I was submissive and removed myself from the Christian church and some friendships. I feel like we lost our community at that point. We searched for a good place to have a new community with Jewish people but it was like starting over. I felt like I converted to Christianity for her when we got together and now I had to convert again, either way I would have done it for her because I loved her that much. The kids were confused by this change. After trying and failing at many synagogues we finally found one that seemed right for us.
2017
We finally had some money in savings because I kept it a secret and ended up planning a trip to visit her parents in Texas but it fell through due to lack of military flights. Instead we spent three nights away in a nice hotel resort as a family in February. We had three days of pure family time. Playing Battleship and other games in our room as a family, watching movies and eating at all the different restaurants and getting room service. Going swimming everyday in the foggy pool. I love our family and how we can have a great time together doing nothing but at the same time so much. That was so peaceful and relaxing. I wanted to keep doing things like that together as a family before our boys got too old. Shortly after this vacation she wanted to go back to school, then we bought a third vehicle so she could. Shortly after this she changed her mind about school and wanted to buy another house instead. I went along with it to please her and we practically killed ourselves trying to get the move accomplished with not much help or money. We had a good year over all. We got away for a romantic anniversary together in the summer. Just before the boys were going to start public school in the fall, her parents moved back to the area. She had anxiety with this and cut off contact with her parents and brothers for a while. Her Dad called me very upset and I tried to keep the peace until they reconciled. I was doing better with work and made up for lost progress as well as making arrangements to change jobs in the Navy to something more fitting. Since the boys started public school, I planned on leaving for Navy training in my new position after the beginning of the new year when they would be at a more settled place in their routine.
I remember when we went to the Olympic Club for our anniversary and we stayed there for a night away. We drove the long way through the countryside talking about new music that she wanted to share with me and she made notes of it on my phone notepad. We brought our own cooler and picnic that included Session Lagers and chocolate. We checked in to our room and made noisy bohemian love on the edge of the creaky bed in our small European room inches from the door. Then we went to the theater downstairs and watched the late showing of a really interesting Sci-fi movie "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets". We took showers and slept sweetly together. We made love again in the morning before we had a delicious brunch outside on the patio. We took the long way home and drove around on new roads and found our way out of cell phone reception. We figured out the road less traveled to get back to our home. We loved being alone and away together, just one night can make such a difference and mean so much.
I remember going to the Forest Theater to see Tarzan with our boys. That was such a great time. I would love to get our boys into theater and go see them someday. I wanted to keep our dreams and goals together alive and not lose opportunity and fall short by losing our partnership.
I loved going camping in Seabeck. Loading the truck with all our gear and getting away. Archer got sick from the cowboy caviar and I had to clean him and the tent up in the night. I was glad we had each other to be a team in our marriage in that situation as with all the other times. These sorts of things are what escape a person's mind when they are determined to get a divorce.
2018
We had a lot less money than the year before, again buying a house took its toll on finances as did the boys school and after school activities. I stayed very involved taking the boys to appointments and sporting practices. We stopped going to synagogue but tried to practice Judaism at home as much as possible, which I was very supportive of and involved with. She was still depressed and talking about suicide at times. I encouraged her to get help as I always had. Eventually she was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 and manic depressive by a new provider. She started taking new medicine for this and was worried I would want to leave her. I assured her I would never leave her and that I always wanted to work on things with her and help her. I left for training in Mississippi February 8th. It was going to be hard but I thought it might be good to have some time apart from each other to miss one another and reflect on things as well as prepare for times when I would be away at sea. I got in trouble in Mississippi for giving junior personnel a ride and being negligent of people who might be underage and possibly drinking, this became strike three. I never thought this could happen. I became recommend for separation from the Navy shortly after and was stuck in Mississippi for six months instead of six weeks. She was supportive through most of it but seemed to fall into hopelessness. Money was spent by her that we didn't have without discussion. She quietly leased appliances and tires and purchased a vehicle as well as having a secret bank account and email address. I discovered through our insurance company that she wanted to leave our policy for divorce. I didn't know this and she had even told the boys she wanted a divorce before I even knew. I was caught off guard and confused. I kept trying to communicate and reason with her but she didn't want to talk. I refused to give up and wrote emails and a letter but it only seemed to push her away further. By the time I left Mississippi she had filed for divorce and a restraining order against me saying I was unstable and a threat. I couldn't return to my home. My whole life fell apart in just a couple months. I found out she had been talking to other men in the Navy and keeping more secrets. I assumed this was her way of taking control during a difficult situation. I really needed her support during this hard time of transition out of the military. I became homeless, jobless and without my family in a month. I prayed to God that given time things might change between us but it was of no use. Bipolar had consumed whatever was left of my bride and there was no turning back.
I felt that our love was not one to be cast away. Other people might not understand or agree but what we had was truly special. We may have surely needed some time and space to get counseling as well as reconfigure and repair our marriage but I didn't feel like our relationship was irretrievably broken. She was so important to me and I thought she was the love of my life and would always have my heart. I wanted to be her partner in love and life, watching our boys grow up and being there to support each other. Being that she is Bipolar I knew she will need a lot of help and I was more than willing to assist her in making sure she was taking care of herself and not throwing herself into harm's way, ensuring she sticks with a plan we agree to for consistency. I cared about her deeply and had much compassion for her. I didn't believe she was thinking this through or thinking about the future. I really wanted to look at the long and short game with her, neither seemed appealing to me if we progressed but here we are. Things are not going to be easier. She will still have to face her problems and deal with me on a regular basis for the rest of our lives no matter what happens. She can believe her lawyer when they promise she'll get the moon and stars out of this in the end but they only see half of the story. Above all they want our money. It would have been good for her to face me in person and tell me she wanted to divorce and we could have started talking about it with a counselor to figure out how that could even work. Instead she chose to avoid as much responsibility for her actions as possible by doing everything in my absence as if I am not a real person. I had to find out about it from our insurance company and was last to know.
Immediately after I hear the word divorce I looked into her cell usage history and find she has a new military boyfriend that she talks to 20-30 times a day. She felt she owed me no explanation for this and it was none of my business. A mature person would have let me know about this months before and I would have seen it coming but there was no sign until it was seemingly too late. She strayed down a dark path and never turned back.
Her proposed parenting plan was cruel and had no thought put into it. Two hours a week with supervision, no holidays but father's day? She said she’s not trying to keep me from the kids but this is the exact opposite of what she’s saying with the paperwork she filed. She seems very mixed up and still you continues to make rash and sudden choices. Like a completely bogus restraining order against me that contradicts so many facts she has stated herself on record during my Navy retention process. She was so bold as to want to change her identity and even put it in ink on the divorce paperwork as well to a whole new name. That is not the actions of a stable person. She has since changed her mind again on that just as quickly as everything else in her recent life choices. I can't trust that any decisions she is making right now are for the right reasons or that she is of sound mind. I have never seen her so conflicted and confused, grasping at straws and running scared from herself.
Using the legal system so carelessly and going back and forth makes me feel like she is not ready to be making big choices and changes for her and our family. It is very unfair that she can’t consider my feelings on things and what I wish for the boys as well. Very reckless behavior. She can’t anticipate that the day would come where she has to face me and talk to me like an adult. She wants to hide behind the legal system which only leaves much to be unresolved. Ghosting me is not really an option in a marriage of 13 years with children.
Having relationship conversations is too difficult for her at this time and she would rather avoid it and skip to divorce because she thinks that will somehow be easier. I suspect she knows she is making poor choices, possibly out of fear and lust for something new and less painful than the reality of things right now. Our marriage was nowhere close to divorce when I left. She was sad to see me leave and woke with me at 3:30 am to say goodbye, making me coffee and cookies for me to take with.
Our community and accountability seems to be gone due to the continued trend of isolation that she is drawn to. The God fearing loving committed wife I thought I had is gone or trapped inside a terrified shell of herself. She cut me off from her family members and I can't discuss my concerns about her with them either. She only seems to have community with those who are not going to discourage her from these destructive choices.
I understand we have had issues and struggles but we are no worse off than other couples during challenging times. I think that because we loved each other so much it just hurt more when things got hard. I can't accept or believe this is justified or the right choice based on the positive trend we were on before I left. This was the longest break we have ever had from each other and I think she just needed someone to be there more for her, no matter who it was. Time can heal all wounds and I hope that is true for our relationship as co-parents.
She still refuses to tell me about why she wanted a divorce or talk about anything beyond caring for the kids. I have fought the restraining and I can see my boys again but I am still not allowed to my home without her permission.
I have risen from the ashes in just a couple months. I rent a room from a nice couple from our old church and obtained a good paying job while I continue paying the household bills.
This is a really hard time, this difficult spell could have been a tool to better our relationship. I wanted to experience more beautiful memories with her. We had so many more beautiful memories and dreams left to create. This is what marriage looks like to me now as I lower the casket.
I'm an only child born in Montana in 1983, from a divided home. Parents divorced at seven, Mom was unstable and unfaithful. Dad obtained custody of me and we moved to Oregon Coast to live with my Grandma. I had unhealthy visits and relationship with Mom thereafter. My Grandma died at 12 and at 13 my Dad remarried an alcoholic woman, I had a strained relationship with them until adulthood when she stopped drinking. I had exposure to trauma; alcoholism, mental illness, verbal abuse and juvenile troubles. I rebelled by using drugs in my late teens and early twenties, I lived on my own for a few years after high school but had little direction.
My bride is the eldest with two little brothers, parents stayed in same area of Portland during childhood with lots of family support and her parents stayed married. They had Christian values but some anger and anxiety issues at home. She was sexually assaulted at 17 and never had good closure with this. She told me her parents didn't provide her enough help with things like this growing up. Status quo was the backbone of the family dynamic, challenging emotions were discouraged. She rebelled by being reckless with herself, financially and sexually. She decided to join the Navy at 19. She lived alone briefly, but mostly with Grandparents & Parents before our marriage.
I loved how we both grew up reading Archie comics. No other girl I had ever met had that in common with me. I think we wanted a surreal life like the one in Riverdale.
2002
She and I were 19 when we first met in my home town on the coast at an arcade. We became friends and secretly liked each other. I was too nervous to ever make a move on her. We traveled together, she stayed with me, we used drugs together and drank at times. One night she drank too much and had *** with a guy I knew at a party. I was devastated by this. She was Navy bound and I didn't see a real future for us. The next morning she left and I didn't talk to her again for two years. I figured she would be gone with the Navy soon and that she must not have been interested in a relationship with me despite the time we spent together.
2003
I was depressed about this rejection. I dated an older woman who was interested in me but was no substitute. I eventually moved to the Portland area to work and live. I still had few plans and was lonely, in or out of the few brief relationships I attempted. I never found someone that I felt safe with or had a true connection, let alone true love. She ended up not following through with the Navy and continued working her way up in her job at the call center. She attended community college and dated a few guys. She dated one guy for a couple of years who was not a good match for her but stayed with him off and on despite issues. His family was wealthy and treated her well. He slept around on her as did she. At one point he gave her an STD. She also had an ongoing affair with a married man in the military that she went to high school with. He had a child and a wife with mental health issues. She was still hurting a lot at times and not always doing well.
2004
She reached out to me via email after two years of no contact. We emailed back and forth a couple times over the next few months. We talked about meeting up. We spoke on the phone and eventually met up in Portland. We had an amazing night getting to know each other again and work past the confusion of our earlier days of friendship. I realized that she did in fact like me before but since I was timid and trying to be proper and take things slowly she didn't understand my motives. She apologized for her actions at the party as well. She claimed she was in a really messed up place and was making bad choices at that time. Getting our feelings out in the open was good and she appreciated my attitude towards being slow to make moves on her when we first met. I was worried about falling for her based on our history but eventually I was determined to give it a shot. We soon after starting dating and being intimate. Our love was extremely powerful and beyond all others we had both experienced. She broke ties with other suitors and shortly after we talked about marriage and started planning a wedding for the next year.
I remember when we first held hands. We were so shakey and she was quivering on my couch as I had my arm around her. We felt so safe with each other. We could finally be ourselves and do what our hearts desired. We knew we were on to something new and so amazing. We were so patient with each other as we navigated our new love and emotional thresholds.
I remember when we saw Matisyahu in concert together. That was a once in a lifetime experience and a life-changing moment for us. I feel it set the tone for things to come in our future.
I remember how creative my proposal to her was, in the Arcade where we first met. I hid the ring in a prize container from one of those claw machines. Pretending I got the ring from inside by reaching into the machine on one knee I was so nervous and wasn't sure if I could pull it off before she caught on. She looked so shocked and surprised. I was so excited she said yes! We took pictures in the photo machine and had burgers afterwards, I'd do all of it all over again just to see her face in that moment.
2005
We found an apartment for us in Portland. I moved in while she was still living back with her parents until the wedding. She had to change her number because the married man she was previously involved with kept calling her about changing her mind about marriage and continuing their relationship. She was offered a job in Denver and we decided to move away together after our sandy wedding in Cannon Beach. I still had a very hard time and was embarrassed with my past history with her. Many of my friends knew what had happened at 19 and how much it hurt me but I was so crazy about her I think I tried to pretend it didn't happen or that it was not a big deal because we were younger. We got married and moved to Colorado soon after. We made friends at a church, I became more active as a Christian and really loved being married. We were very involved in keeping spirituality in our marriage. I began to notice her poor financial decisions and practices more. This caused conflict but we always tried to communicate and work on things.
I remember when we went down to my folks for New Year's in 2005. We sipped tea in my Datsun as we drove to the coast over the snowy mountain pass. We told them of our engagement. We were all so blissful and excited. We never knew what was to come. We didn't even know about the opportunity in Denver yet. Our story is amazing!
I remember when I wanted to go see her in Portland and the roads were iced over. I left my car at a park and ride before I caused a wreck. I took the light rail across town then rode a bus to the Eastside shopping mall. The bus to her house was not running because it wasn't safe so I walked the rest of the 4 Miles sometimes having to crawl on my hands and knees to make it up hills in the ice and then I finally made it only to just spend a couple hours with her and fall asleep on her parents couch. Her Dad drove us back the next morning to my car so I could get to work. It was all worth it just to see her for that little extra time. I would have done anything for her.
I remember when she was interviewing for the new position in Denver? I drove all over Portland trying to find little toy cars to help with her illustration about how a team is like a car having all four wheels and how they work together to accomplish a goal. I was so proud of her for giving it her all and succeeding at earning that position. Now that I think of it, that car analogy applies to our family and us. We all need each other to be better and keep on track and be a team. I am so motivated by that and our boys. I lose my way without that and I want to be her reflection and motivation as she has been that for me. I truly thought we brought out the best in each other when we were together.
I remember when we were given tickets to see Fiona Apple. That was so spontaneous and a great way to kick off our time in Denver together. We always used to watch our same movies over and over again. Like the Friends DVDs and White Christmas every winter break and The Wedding Singer. We walked everywhere and lived simply. "I wanna be the guy, who grows old with you"
I remember in our first Denver apartment when we took baths together in our claw foot tub in the big bathroom. We put a board over the top and played cards. I liked playing Uno with her in bed too. She was so funny being slightly color blind and in the dark, mixing up the greens and blues. We played Uno in Breckenridge too at that cool bed and breakfast in the fall.
2006
We had continued fun and adventure in our new home of Denver. She was doing well as a trainer for the bank and I started working in health foods. We went camping in New Mexico a couple times with friends and we both took individual trips to Oregon as well as one together for her uncle's wedding. We had marital spats on occasion but always bounced back. The issues we had seemed like part of a normal marriage and were far better than what I had grown up around. I realized that marriage was a lot of work but I was up for the task. She occasionally became aggressive throwing things at me or breaking things during conflict. I believed I was the problem and tried to change for her in many ways. With two incomes we still had trouble making our bills at times. She had debts that I never knew about that started to catch up with us but I took care of getting them settled and we paid off her car and traded it for an older Volvo Wagon that we both loved, I even had it repainted her favorite color for a birthday gift. Overall things seemed like they were progressing in a positive way.
I remember when we saw Midnight in concert in Boulder. That was the peak of our hippy days. We were alive with pleasure in our healthy vegetarian diets and practices living in a time and place like no other. I want to be like that again. Reggae was our music. We had much in common.
2007
We really fell into our roles in our marriage and the community; church and culture, friends etc. Things seemed very balanced and appropriate for us at that time and that age (24-25). We had separate bank accounts and jobs. I had money in savings. We started the process of buying a house so we could invest in something. She became pregnant shortly after. I embraced the challenge with positive energy but we were both in for a big change. We started having more fights. I didn't have many friends and would write to old friends via social media just so I could to catch up and tell them things were going great with being married to make myself feel better than I actually did. She hated the dawn of social media and also felt isolated I'm sure. She felt I should be doing more for her and I didn't know how to do what she needed but I failed to ask a lot of the time. After one argument, she left the house. My instinct told me to look at ******* and ******* as a retaliation. I had not done this much once we were married because she always met my needs but when things were difficult between us I felt more emotionally isolated. She walked in and realized what I had been doing. She was very upset, and because she was pregnant, thought I was not attracted to her. The truth is I found her even more beautiful and in fact when I looked at ******* I tried to look at women I found less attractive than her so that I feel good about what I have. I mostly fantasized about how these women were more submissive and loving than her. That is the part I needed to feel good about and feel better about myself with because I felt very dominated and controlled. She has never forgiven me for this and I will never stop feeling sorry to her for my brokenness. During one particular argument that year she was getting close to being violent towards me again and I pushed her away on the chest with my fingertips. She got very mad and said I hurt her. I immediately felt terrible and apologized. I never let something like that happen again. I have always avoided violence towards others especially women and of course her. I was defenseless against physical and emotional abuse.
2008
Our eldest son was born at the beginning of the year, it was a traumatic birth for everyone. We wanted a natural birth with a midwife but we were transferred to a hospital and she ended up having an emergency C-section, nothing went as planned. We had a really hard time coping with the emotions of this experience. A lot of buried feelings and trauma from both of us started coming out. We moved a month later into our new home outside of town. No more walking or biking to places, we had to drive everywhere. This house was next to our friends from church. We thought this would make us feel less isolated but we didn’t really have the community with them that we had hoped for. They were upset that they didn't have a child of their own yet and being around us might have been hard for them. My wife stopped working and stayed home with our son. All these changes made for a very difficult time. I did my best to support them but this was the first time we shared a bank account and needed to follow a budget more than ever before. We had no debt at the beginning of the year with money in savings but then the hospital bills put us down about $7,000 and rising with new home and moving expenses and baby needs. My job could barely keep up. She and I had a hard time adjusting. We could not afford to travel home to Oregon and visit family as much and we felt more and more isolated. She started showing me more signs of instability, locking herself in the bathroom with kitchen knives and scraping her legs which continued off and on for years to come. Talks of divorce and suicide threats seemed to happen more than before. I felt responsible and tried to fix her ever changing issues with me.
I remember when herr ******* were full and swollen with milk. It is so beautiful the way she could feed our babies. I wanted her in every way, our bodies belonged to each other. I was there for her and our shared pleasure. I loved it when she told me that she was mine in the heat of passion. This spark could only be a bandage for so long but I didn't know that yet.
2009
I tried to promote within my company but was not selected, they were cutting budgets and employment all around me. I felt worried about our future. I had always thought the military might be a good opportunity and could move us closer to family back home. My father-in-law encouraged me to look into the Coast Guard. I felt this would be a good way to get moved closer to Oregon. I ended up joining the Navy because we found out we were pregnant again with our second son and that was the only way I could join a military branch. She worked off and on as a nanny and later in the year at a coffee house working nights. We barely spent time together and when we did it was a lot of hard conversations or arguments about finances with making up intimately in the middle of the night between times of caring for the baby. She once scratched my neck with her fingernails during an argument. People I worked with noticed. It was a hard time and we knew change was on the horizon with jobs and moving. We did visit Oregon that summer though and had a great vacation at the beach with a borrowed 4x4 and staying at a hotel and picnicking out of a cooler as well as going to her brothers wedding. I was 26 and about to join the Navy to provide better for my family at all costs sacrificing myself for their benefit because I would have rather died than look like I didn't try my best for them.
I remember when our babies would kick and move around inside her belly. I loved laying by her and feeling her tummy. I would hum to the baby and hear them move and squirm. I loved giving our boys baths when they were babies too. We had our little bundles of our love, wrapped in a towel in our hands, so tiny and vulnerable. I miss those days and want to remember them with her, aside from this state of melancholy.
2010
The Navy recruiters would only take me if we rented out our home and had her stay with family during boot camp and training. We moved to a furnished apartment in Denver and put our things in storage. She was 5 months pregnant and our eldest was two. I shortly after was let go from my job. Our second son was born in April. I got a contract with the Navy at the last minute but didn't leave until August. We sold our beloved vehicles and lived off retirement funds for six months and moved down to Florida where her parents had just moved out of the blue for work, to stay with them until I left for boot camp. I applied for temporary work in Florida at a dozen places but had no luck in my three months there. I took care of our eldest a lot while she took care of the new baby. Being in Florida was a culture shock for us but we had our moments of romance and made the best of it. Eventually I left for boot camp in August. It was really hard and sad to be gone. She stayed in Florida and came to visit me with the baby at boot camp graduation in October. I then went to Connecticut for five months of training. It was also hard but at least I could call home every day and be in the same time zone. I visited Florida during the winter break and saw my boys and her. We went to Disney world and had a great time on her parents. We also made a romantic home movie I could enjoy while away from her. I flew back to Connecticut and tried to make the best of things. My roommate was very abusive of substances and I resisted the temptation for a long time but the threat of being submarine service bound and missing my family pushed me to drinking every weekend and getting messed up to escape before I left.
I remember when we drove to Key Largo, Florida and stopped at a crazy bird wildlife center. I remember our oldest was so amazed hearing a bird say hello back to us. It was so foreign and fun there. I am glad we all shared that experience together.
I remember our trip to the citrus grove in Florida. That was such a great day for our family. I always look back on that with really fond sentiment. I felt like I was in a beautiful family music video with them.
2011
I finished Submarine Training and got orders back to the Northwest. The plan was all coming together. I arrived first and bought a car and got our items moved from storage in Denver to our townhouse rental in Washington. She and the boys joined me a month later. I didn't report to my Sub for another month as they were at sea. She became pregnant again with our third son right after arriving. We had just bought a small car and were not planning on another child. Towards the end of the year I was working a lot and having a really hard time, being bullied and treated poorly at work plus our financial situation was still very difficult. Adjusting to the military was hard among younger men being 28. I dreaded each day in that environment but I tried to endure it for my family. I went to sea for a couple months at the end of the year stopping in Hawaii and California. During this time She reached out to her ex married affair partner after six years of no contact. She didn't tell me until later. She said she needed closure with him, we were not in counseling yet but she decided this was appropriate. I flew home early from sea and wanted to surprise her. The stress and trauma of this quick transition home after being to sea for the first time (which was also traumatic) made me want to drink and get messed up before flying. I arrived home and surprised her but I seemed off to her which I was but didn’t explain why, I have never done that since. I got to be home for two months almost work free while we celebrated the holidays and prepared for the new baby to be born. She started getting more involved with a church and building a community for us which was great. Our financial struggles almost led us to foreclosure of our home back in Colorado but by the grace of God we got it sold with a short sale just in time.
I remember when I came back from Hawaii and brought her a beaded necklace and she wore it naked with her big beautiful pregnant goddess belly and we made passionate hippy love together. I want to grow out my beard again and spend my life making hippy love and feeling free again.
2012
Our third son was born in January. It was a very positive birth experience and much less stressful than the other two. Shortly after I flew out to finish the other half of the deployment I had missed. I really focused on being positive and spiritually connected by reading my Bible at sea which was helpful. I called her when I arrived in Japan halfway through being gone. She was upset because she tested positive for an STD while trying to get on birth control. I became suspicious of her yet she was suspicious of me. We both got tested again and I was clean, she told me she had a false positive after all. This put a big strain on our trust, especially being so far away. This forced us to be honest with each other about some things such as her contact with her ex lover and my drinking to cope. We were both very upset until I returned home and we could start some counseling to work through things. Forgiveness seemed to be difficult for us. It brought up hurts of the past when we were 19. She also had severe postpartum depression that became worse after each birth. I was still having a hard time with work and the submarine environment. Our church friends tried to counsel us but it was not the most helpful. My submarine was scheduled for extended repairs and not going to sea for three years, I would be transferred before the end of that period. I used this time to bond with her and my boys. I wanted to get better involved in our community and do volunteer work and side jobs to earn extra money. Our boys were all given diagnosis's for autism which begun to fill our lives with appointments and challenges for years to come but we were a good team in dealing with all of it. It gave us something to work together on but took our focus away from working on our own personal issues and relationship with each other as much as we should have.
2013
We had new years with both sides of our family in a snowy mountain setting in Oregon. It looked like it was going to be a great year until her Grandpa passed away suddenly. It ripped our entire family apart but especially her. He kept the family grounded and she was very close to him, he really loved all of us. She and I started going on dates again because we had Navy sponsored child care. It was the beginning of a really good thing for us. Tragically one night after a date we were dancing with the boys on the patio and I tried to pick her up and I lost my balance and fell on her, breaking her collar bone severely. She needed surgery and was very mad at me for years to come. She has a scar, a metal plate and numbness in her chest. We worked through it with our community from church but she still is very mad at me. I feel more terrible about this incident than she could ever know. I would lose a finger in place of that incident if I could. I continued having a really hard time in the Navy and I didn't want to stay in but She insisted our boys needed care only the Navy could offer. She also said she would divorce me if I ever left the Navy. I took this threat seriously even though she assured me later that she would never actually do that. Against my own convictions I reenlisted because I wanted to do the best thing for my family. We moved into base housing at the end of summer and didn’t go out to do things as much anymore. The house was nice but it ****** us in, we also had less community with people around our home. I started volunteering at church more and doing work with special needs people. I felt like I was doing good things and that I had purpose all around. I think she appreciated this about me.
2014
We started seeing a professional counselor together and individually. It became a regular event. I worked on myself and she worked on herself. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and eventually broke off communication with her for my own well-being and the betterment of my family. I got past a lot of the bad feelings I had. She worked on her traumatic experiences and our relationship dynamics. Just when things were going well I got a new boss who made things hard for me and others at work and I started messing up more. I got in trouble for messing up a job at work and was given strike one on my record. She lost respect for me as a provider but I tried to stay strong showing her that I would continue to do my best.
I remember when we had an appointment in Tacoma and we had a brunch date together afterwards. She looked so beautiful that day, I took her picture and was so proud to enjoy huevos rancheros and momosas with her. I remember going to the Tacoma Art Museum seeing the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit, we have a great time together doing new things and feeding each other's interests. I loved laughing with her too, sometimes we just bust up like nobody's around. I loved the sound of her laughter. I loved watching Portlandia with her, it is so funny to remember the funny place where we became close and be able to relate together.
2015
I kept working hard and being involved with family and appointments for my boys and her. I still maintained my volunteer work and part time side jobs. I got strike two with the Navy for messing up again... I had just gained orders to leave the sub for local shore duty. I could not get out of the extended repair situation soon enough. She was very disappointed in me and not so understanding. I worked through this situation with our counselor as did she. He always told her I am a good man and that I do a lot for her and the boys. It's true, I care more than anything about them, I made mistakes and I feel bad especially when I cause my family stress. I left for shore duty in April. It was a hard time adjusting to the new routine but eventually we seemed to make it work. That summer we took a trip to visit Texas where her parents had just moved from Florida. We spent a great night together for our 10th anniversary in a hotel in Texas and went dancing. We had a lot more time together as my work schedule was less. The more people we had in our home working with our kids on issues the less useful my input seemed. I was not included as much in making family decisions because they all seemed to happen while I was at work, despite my objections. We tried to get our budget under control but she still had anxiety discussing spending. She continued to struggle with depression and was put on medication because she had still been harming herself. She was put on Prozac daily and anti anxiety medication as needed. He family members were not very supportive of medication which upset her but I always tried to be supportive in seeking help and continued care for both of us.
2016
We had a busy routine of kids in school now and home school and preschool and appointments for all of us. She wanted to go to church less and less. I started drinking a couple beers at night almost every day. I tried to mask my stress from her mood swings. She decided not to go to church at all anymore and focused teaching the boys about Jewish traditions exclusively which was hard for me to adjust to and confusing for the boys. I loved her and wanted to be supportive. As usual I was submissive and removed myself from the Christian church and some friendships. I feel like we lost our community at that point. We searched for a good place to have a new community with Jewish people but it was like starting over. I felt like I converted to Christianity for her when we got together and now I had to convert again, either way I would have done it for her because I loved her that much. The kids were confused by this change. After trying and failing at many synagogues we finally found one that seemed right for us.
2017
We finally had some money in savings because I kept it a secret and ended up planning a trip to visit her parents in Texas but it fell through due to lack of military flights. Instead we spent three nights away in a nice hotel resort as a family in February. We had three days of pure family time. Playing Battleship and other games in our room as a family, watching movies and eating at all the different restaurants and getting room service. Going swimming everyday in the foggy pool. I love our family and how we can have a great time together doing nothing but at the same time so much. That was so peaceful and relaxing. I wanted to keep doing things like that together as a family before our boys got too old. Shortly after this vacation she wanted to go back to school, then we bought a third vehicle so she could. Shortly after this she changed her mind about school and wanted to buy another house instead. I went along with it to please her and we practically killed ourselves trying to get the move accomplished with not much help or money. We had a good year over all. We got away for a romantic anniversary together in the summer. Just before the boys were going to start public school in the fall, her parents moved back to the area. She had anxiety with this and cut off contact with her parents and brothers for a while. Her Dad called me very upset and I tried to keep the peace until they reconciled. I was doing better with work and made up for lost progress as well as making arrangements to change jobs in the Navy to something more fitting. Since the boys started public school, I planned on leaving for Navy training in my new position after the beginning of the new year when they would be at a more settled place in their routine.
I remember when we went to the Olympic Club for our anniversary and we stayed there for a night away. We drove the long way through the countryside talking about new music that she wanted to share with me and she made notes of it on my phone notepad. We brought our own cooler and picnic that included Session Lagers and chocolate. We checked in to our room and made noisy bohemian love on the edge of the creaky bed in our small European room inches from the door. Then we went to the theater downstairs and watched the late showing of a really interesting Sci-fi movie "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets". We took showers and slept sweetly together. We made love again in the morning before we had a delicious brunch outside on the patio. We took the long way home and drove around on new roads and found our way out of cell phone reception. We figured out the road less traveled to get back to our home. We loved being alone and away together, just one night can make such a difference and mean so much.
I remember going to the Forest Theater to see Tarzan with our boys. That was such a great time. I would love to get our boys into theater and go see them someday. I wanted to keep our dreams and goals together alive and not lose opportunity and fall short by losing our partnership.
I loved going camping in Seabeck. Loading the truck with all our gear and getting away. Archer got sick from the cowboy caviar and I had to clean him and the tent up in the night. I was glad we had each other to be a team in our marriage in that situation as with all the other times. These sorts of things are what escape a person's mind when they are determined to get a divorce.
2018
We had a lot less money than the year before, again buying a house took its toll on finances as did the boys school and after school activities. I stayed very involved taking the boys to appointments and sporting practices. We stopped going to synagogue but tried to practice Judaism at home as much as possible, which I was very supportive of and involved with. She was still depressed and talking about suicide at times. I encouraged her to get help as I always had. Eventually she was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 and manic depressive by a new provider. She started taking new medicine for this and was worried I would want to leave her. I assured her I would never leave her and that I always wanted to work on things with her and help her. I left for training in Mississippi February 8th. It was going to be hard but I thought it might be good to have some time apart from each other to miss one another and reflect on things as well as prepare for times when I would be away at sea. I got in trouble in Mississippi for giving junior personnel a ride and being negligent of people who might be underage and possibly drinking, this became strike three. I never thought this could happen. I became recommend for separation from the Navy shortly after and was stuck in Mississippi for six months instead of six weeks. She was supportive through most of it but seemed to fall into hopelessness. Money was spent by her that we didn't have without discussion. She quietly leased appliances and tires and purchased a vehicle as well as having a secret bank account and email address. I discovered through our insurance company that she wanted to leave our policy for divorce. I didn't know this and she had even told the boys she wanted a divorce before I even knew. I was caught off guard and confused. I kept trying to communicate and reason with her but she didn't want to talk. I refused to give up and wrote emails and a letter but it only seemed to push her away further. By the time I left Mississippi she had filed for divorce and a restraining order against me saying I was unstable and a threat. I couldn't return to my home. My whole life fell apart in just a couple months. I found out she had been talking to other men in the Navy and keeping more secrets. I assumed this was her way of taking control during a difficult situation. I really needed her support during this hard time of transition out of the military. I became homeless, jobless and without my family in a month. I prayed to God that given time things might change between us but it was of no use. Bipolar had consumed whatever was left of my bride and there was no turning back.
I felt that our love was not one to be cast away. Other people might not understand or agree but what we had was truly special. We may have surely needed some time and space to get counseling as well as reconfigure and repair our marriage but I didn't feel like our relationship was irretrievably broken. She was so important to me and I thought she was the love of my life and would always have my heart. I wanted to be her partner in love and life, watching our boys grow up and being there to support each other. Being that she is Bipolar I knew she will need a lot of help and I was more than willing to assist her in making sure she was taking care of herself and not throwing herself into harm's way, ensuring she sticks with a plan we agree to for consistency. I cared about her deeply and had much compassion for her. I didn't believe she was thinking this through or thinking about the future. I really wanted to look at the long and short game with her, neither seemed appealing to me if we progressed but here we are. Things are not going to be easier. She will still have to face her problems and deal with me on a regular basis for the rest of our lives no matter what happens. She can believe her lawyer when they promise she'll get the moon and stars out of this in the end but they only see half of the story. Above all they want our money. It would have been good for her to face me in person and tell me she wanted to divorce and we could have started talking about it with a counselor to figure out how that could even work. Instead she chose to avoid as much responsibility for her actions as possible by doing everything in my absence as if I am not a real person. I had to find out about it from our insurance company and was last to know.
Immediately after I hear the word divorce I looked into her cell usage history and find she has a new military boyfriend that she talks to 20-30 times a day. She felt she owed me no explanation for this and it was none of my business. A mature person would have let me know about this months before and I would have seen it coming but there was no sign until it was seemingly too late. She strayed down a dark path and never turned back.
Her proposed parenting plan was cruel and had no thought put into it. Two hours a week with supervision, no holidays but father's day? She said she’s not trying to keep me from the kids but this is the exact opposite of what she’s saying with the paperwork she filed. She seems very mixed up and still you continues to make rash and sudden choices. Like a completely bogus restraining order against me that contradicts so many facts she has stated herself on record during my Navy retention process. She was so bold as to want to change her identity and even put it in ink on the divorce paperwork as well to a whole new name. That is not the actions of a stable person. She has since changed her mind again on that just as quickly as everything else in her recent life choices. I can't trust that any decisions she is making right now are for the right reasons or that she is of sound mind. I have never seen her so conflicted and confused, grasping at straws and running scared from herself.
Using the legal system so carelessly and going back and forth makes me feel like she is not ready to be making big choices and changes for her and our family. It is very unfair that she can’t consider my feelings on things and what I wish for the boys as well. Very reckless behavior. She can’t anticipate that the day would come where she has to face me and talk to me like an adult. She wants to hide behind the legal system which only leaves much to be unresolved. Ghosting me is not really an option in a marriage of 13 years with children.
Having relationship conversations is too difficult for her at this time and she would rather avoid it and skip to divorce because she thinks that will somehow be easier. I suspect she knows she is making poor choices, possibly out of fear and lust for something new and less painful than the reality of things right now. Our marriage was nowhere close to divorce when I left. She was sad to see me leave and woke with me at 3:30 am to say goodbye, making me coffee and cookies for me to take with.
Our community and accountability seems to be gone due to the continued trend of isolation that she is drawn to. The God fearing loving committed wife I thought I had is gone or trapped inside a terrified shell of herself. She cut me off from her family members and I can't discuss my concerns about her with them either. She only seems to have community with those who are not going to discourage her from these destructive choices.
I understand we have had issues and struggles but we are no worse off than other couples during challenging times. I think that because we loved each other so much it just hurt more when things got hard. I can't accept or believe this is justified or the right choice based on the positive trend we were on before I left. This was the longest break we have ever had from each other and I think she just needed someone to be there more for her, no matter who it was. Time can heal all wounds and I hope that is true for our relationship as co-parents.
She still refuses to tell me about why she wanted a divorce or talk about anything beyond caring for the kids. I have fought the restraining and I can see my boys again but I am still not allowed to my home without her permission.
I have risen from the ashes in just a couple months. I rent a room from a nice couple from our old church and obtained a good paying job while I continue paying the household bills.
This is a really hard time, this difficult spell could have been a tool to better our relationship. I wanted to experience more beautiful memories with her. We had so many more beautiful memories and dreams left to create. This is what marriage looks like to me now as I lower the casket.
This is a timeline of the major events during my 13 year marriage. Amidst the reality, I injected all the lovely memories that refuse to leave my mind.
Sean Kassab
Jul 2012
It was in the earlier part of November, 2005 when I was called to the garrison HQ to receive an emergency Red Cross message informing me that my grandfather had passed away. I was in my third year of service as a direct contractor to the Army and my duty station was in Iraq. More specifically, I was at Tallil AFB near the city of An Nasiriyah. I was granted an emergency leave so that I could go back to the US to be with my family so I stowed my gear, packed my duffel and made the long trip home. This was the first time I would make this trip, but I’m getting ahead of myself so let me back up a bit. You see, my grandfather had served in the Second World War, actually both of them had. They were brothers. PFC Eddie Kassab, the one I’m speaking about here, had survived WWII through some pretty tough odds, including being on the third wave of the Normandy invasion at D-Day where thousands had died during the beach head assault. His brother, SFC Joseph Kassab, who married my grandmother, was killed in that war, He was a bombardier and his plane was shot down during the Guadalcanal campaign. It wasn’t until 27 years later that the wreckage of the aircraft and remains were found and recovered. When Joseph died leaving behind his young wife and new born son, Eddie began looking after her, sending home money for her and the boy, my father. They wrote back and forth to eachother after the dissappearance of Joseph and when he returned to the US after the war they courted and were eventually married. Joseph was laid to rest with the rest of his flight crew in Arlington with full military honors. Eddie, who died much later in life, was also afforded a military service there. That was my first time being in Arlington National Cemetery, a place reserved for men and women who had served their country in a military capacity. It is difficult to describe just how immense and powerful that place is, the impact you have on your life just from standing on those grounds is indescribable. If I had to try I would say it’s a mixed feeling of Honor, pride, sorrow, and a profound sense of loneliness. There are row upon row of white marble markers spanning miles of emerald green grass and broad shade trees. The markers themselves are simple, nothing fancy, but the respect they command is beyond contestation. There are also wall vaults for those who were cremated, one of these would become Eddie’s final resting place. The US Army's honor guard performed his service, while a trumpeter played “Taps” and his flag was folded and presented on behalf of a grateful nation to my father who Eddie raised as his own son. In the distance a 21 gun salute was given by seven riflemen firing three shots each. It would be the only time in my life that I saw my father cry. We took the time after Eddie’s service to walk to Joseph’s grave marker as well, passing thousands of other markers and I found myself wondering how many of these people were forgotten by the years. How many of them left behind young children. Were they killed in combat? How many of them were laid to rest with a grave full of unfulfilled dreams? The sacrifices they made weighed heavily upon me. It was a feeling I would carry with me long after I had left that place.
Years had passed and I found myself still working in Iraq for the US Army, I was stationed at Camp Taji this time, on the edge of Sadr City, a real dust bowl. I was in my eighth year of service when I was again called to Garrison HQ, another emergency Red Cross message had come through informing me that my Father had passed away. It was December 29th 2010. For hours afterward it felt as if I had been punched in the gut. I called my Mom as soon as I could to make sure she was ok and to see if there was anything she needed before making arrangements for yet another emergency leave. I again stowed my gear, packed my duffel and headed out. Now, it’s only fair to give you an idea of whom I’m talking about here, my Father, Jan, had been a Navy man and had been stationed on submarines as well as destroyer class ships during the Vietnam War. He signed up for service when he was just 18 years old and when he left the Navy he went directly into the Maitland Fire Department in central Florida and stayed there for many years. Eventually he expanded his training becoming the 80th paramedic in the state as well as a certified rescue diver and instructor. More importantly, he was a great father who raised two boys as a father should and later in life, he was a pretty good drinking buddy. His teachings and advice have helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. It was because of his prior military service that he was also awarded full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. There was a waiting list of about 8 weeks at the time because of the high volume of casualties from the wars in the Middle East so it wasn’t until February of 2011 that he was finally laid to rest. This time it was the US Navy’s honor guard who performed his service. I remember it well; they stood in their dress whites throughout the ceremony in the biting cold as the wind whipped by mercilessly. The honor and discipline in these men was no less than awe inspiring and through my sadness I couldn’t help but feel an amazing sense of pride for who my father was during his life. We all stood as a trumpeter again played “Taps” to the folding of my Father’s flag which was presented to my Mom on behalf of a grateful nation after a 21 gun salute was ordered in the distance. My Father’s remains were also placed in a wall vault that became his final resting place; his marker being only about 20 feet from Eddie’s marker in the adjacent wall and even though it was freezing that day, we took a little extra time to visit Eddie and Joseph again. Walking the grounds of that place again awakened all the feelings I had felt the first time, probably even more so. Again, I have to tell you that words couldn’t accurately describe how that place makes you feel. The grass had turned brown by now but was still immaculately manicured, and the precision placement of the grave markers was flawless. There were thousands of names that dated all the way back to the American Civil War. I went also with my brother to pay my respects at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier. It was an impressive mausoleum that is guarded twenty four hours a day by the US Army’s horror guard. After it was all said and done and we had left Arlington and met as a family, my Mom, my Brother and his family, myself and my family and some close friends to remember him for a while over some food and drinks, and though nobody seemed to really have any appetite we still stayed there for hours. That was the first time in eight years that I had seen my Brother and would be the last time I saw him alive, but that part comes later. Eventually we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, each having a very long way to travel back home and I had to get ready to go back to Iraq, heavy hearted or not.
I had only been back in theater (that means deployment) for a few months when I was reassigned to Al Asad AB as my permanent duty station. It was a place in the middle of nowhere and was originally a Marine base but transferred to Army and Air Force some time in 2010. I had made some good friends there, settled in and finally started coming back to myself when I received a message from my brother’s wife asking me to call her, said it was important. Thinking back on it now, I remember feeling a little angry that she wouldn’t tell me on email. Internet I had in my room, but a phone…well I’m no general and I had already settled in for the night. It was about 21:30 hrs. (9:30 p.m.) on a night in late July so I got dressed and made the quarter mile walk to my office where I could use the phone, cursing under my breath the whole time. It took me about 20 minutes just to find my phone card in my cluttered desk drawer, but when I finally did amongst more unsavory mutterings I made the call. She answered quickly enough but her voice sounded strained so I calmed down and asked her what was going on, I figured something wasn’t right so she didn’t need me jumping her case on top of it. It was then that she told me my Brother’s body had been found in his home in Whiteville NC. He had been having a hard time with depression since our Father passed as well as marital problems and he had made the decision to take his own life at the age of 36 leaving behind his Wife, Stepson and Daughter who was only 5 at the time. I was blindsided to say the least, no one saw this coming, and he left no real reason as to why so there still is no closure, no understanding. I was angry… no, I was furious! But I’m getting ahead of myself again. She had called me not only to inform me of what had happened, but also to ask if I had Mom’s phone number because she didn’t have it and didn’t know how to get in touch with her to tell her. I told her not to worry about it and that I’d take that on my shoulders and get back to her. It had only been five months since we laid our Father to rest and to say I dreaded making that phone call was a ridiculous understatement. It was easily one of the toughest things I ever had to do, but it had to be done all the same so I dug Mom’s number out of my wallet…and stared at it…I don’t know how long but it felt like a long time. What else could I do? What could I say? It’s not like I had an instruction booklet for delivering bad news and this was as bad as it gets. After a few deep breaths I dialed her number and decided to take the direct approach. She answered the phone and we exchanged hellos, and I asked her what she was doing. She was out shopping with Robbie at the Tractor Supply Co. He was a longtime family friend and all around good guy. I told her that I had some pretty bad news and asked if she could find a place to sit down there, but she told me it was ok to just tell her what happened so I did exactly that. I gave her all the information I had at the time, I didn’t know how to sugar coat it so I didn’t. She took it pretty well up front, not breaking down until later that evening. My Brother, SPC Troy Kassab, had enlisted in the US Army with our Father’s permission when he was only 17 years old. He was a combat medic assigned to Ft. Carson in Colorado before transferring to the 82nd Airborne Division in Ft Brag NC. He deployed to Cuba among other deployments overseas before being attached to a Ranger Unit as their medic and doing other deployments that he never would talk about much. After the army he lived in NC where he worked in restaurants while attending school on the G.I bill and volunteering on the Hickory Rescue Squad as an EMT. He eventually completed school in Winston Salem NC where he got his PA degree in general practice. Troy was a self-educated, brilliant man who wasn’t perfect but who is? He saved lives in the Army, and then continued to do so in the civilian world until his death in July of 2011. He was a husband and a father, a brother and a friend. He was important to us. It was because of his past in the Army that he also was awarded full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. This time the wait was much longer and his funeral wasn’t held until November 15th of 2011. I remember that day and the days leading up to it like it was yesterday. I had ended my deployment in Iraq on November 3rd, making it back to the US on November 6th. From the time of his death I had stayed in contact with Mom and his wife Andi to make sure they were ok and help in any way I could with the affairs and expenses. When I finally did get home I pulled my truck out of storage had it inspected, fueled and ready to go. It was unfortunate, but my wife was in college and had work at the time so she couldn’t come with us so my daughter and I made the long trip from Houston TX to Hickory NC to see Troy’s wife and kids. While I was there I also picked up a close family friend of ours who needed a ride and made the long drive to Arlington VA...again. The US Army’s honor guard met us there to perform his service and again the attention to detail, the respect given to the deceased, and the discipline shown was flawless. There were more friends this time than family in attendance but I was there with Mom, Robbie, my daughter, and some very close family friends, some going all the way back to our childhood. The ceremony was the same, every time the same. I remember thinking I hated the way “Taps” sounded as they folded the flag and I was angry and hurt when I stepped forward to claim my Brother’s remains and walk them to the wall vault that would become his final resting place. I have to say though, that through my grief and anger, I was a little bit pleased to see that he was placed so close to my Father and Grandfather. I left a pair of my own dog tags in his vault, it made me feel better that he wouldn’t be alone in there. I guess it doesn’t make a lot of sense now but at the time it did. I stood over his marker and said a silent prayer before heading out to see Dad, Eddie and Joe’s markers and pay some respects. The grass was that brilliant emerald green again, and the sense that I stood in a place of honor reserved for our nations fallen still struck me through the heart. After that we just kind of faded away from that place making our way home. Troy’s wife Andi had decided not to come, she was angry, she felt betrayed and abandoned, so on my way home I stopped back in Hickory NC, dropped off Michelle and made the drive to Andi’s house to present her with Troy’s flag as it had been presented to me. I remember hoping that her decision wouldn’t leave her with later regrets, but it was too late to change it now. The drive home was a long one, one that rekindled so many unanswered questions. Three generations of my family laid to rest leaving me as the only surviving male member of my family; something that still weighs upon my heart today.
But this is their story, and though it seems a sad one, that is not its intent. This story was written so that you the reader could understand that there is a place where over a hundred thousand Josephs and Eddies, and Jans and Troys are resting. Each one of those stone crosses and stars have a face, a name, a history, and they made a sacrifice for you and for me. They were people who gave up their futures so that we could have one. They were people who had dreams, families, and who put all of that aside for what they believed in. They weren’t perfect people, but they deserve to be remembered. If you do nothing else after reading this, at least take the time to think about the freedoms that you have, freedoms that have cost us so much…
Years had passed and I found myself still working in Iraq for the US Army, I was stationed at Camp Taji this time, on the edge of Sadr City, a real dust bowl. I was in my eighth year of service when I was again called to Garrison HQ, another emergency Red Cross message had come through informing me that my Father had passed away. It was December 29th 2010. For hours afterward it felt as if I had been punched in the gut. I called my Mom as soon as I could to make sure she was ok and to see if there was anything she needed before making arrangements for yet another emergency leave. I again stowed my gear, packed my duffel and headed out. Now, it’s only fair to give you an idea of whom I’m talking about here, my Father, Jan, had been a Navy man and had been stationed on submarines as well as destroyer class ships during the Vietnam War. He signed up for service when he was just 18 years old and when he left the Navy he went directly into the Maitland Fire Department in central Florida and stayed there for many years. Eventually he expanded his training becoming the 80th paramedic in the state as well as a certified rescue diver and instructor. More importantly, he was a great father who raised two boys as a father should and later in life, he was a pretty good drinking buddy. His teachings and advice have helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. It was because of his prior military service that he was also awarded full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. There was a waiting list of about 8 weeks at the time because of the high volume of casualties from the wars in the Middle East so it wasn’t until February of 2011 that he was finally laid to rest. This time it was the US Navy’s honor guard who performed his service. I remember it well; they stood in their dress whites throughout the ceremony in the biting cold as the wind whipped by mercilessly. The honor and discipline in these men was no less than awe inspiring and through my sadness I couldn’t help but feel an amazing sense of pride for who my father was during his life. We all stood as a trumpeter again played “Taps” to the folding of my Father’s flag which was presented to my Mom on behalf of a grateful nation after a 21 gun salute was ordered in the distance. My Father’s remains were also placed in a wall vault that became his final resting place; his marker being only about 20 feet from Eddie’s marker in the adjacent wall and even though it was freezing that day, we took a little extra time to visit Eddie and Joseph again. Walking the grounds of that place again awakened all the feelings I had felt the first time, probably even more so. Again, I have to tell you that words couldn’t accurately describe how that place makes you feel. The grass had turned brown by now but was still immaculately manicured, and the precision placement of the grave markers was flawless. There were thousands of names that dated all the way back to the American Civil War. I went also with my brother to pay my respects at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier. It was an impressive mausoleum that is guarded twenty four hours a day by the US Army’s horror guard. After it was all said and done and we had left Arlington and met as a family, my Mom, my Brother and his family, myself and my family and some close friends to remember him for a while over some food and drinks, and though nobody seemed to really have any appetite we still stayed there for hours. That was the first time in eight years that I had seen my Brother and would be the last time I saw him alive, but that part comes later. Eventually we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, each having a very long way to travel back home and I had to get ready to go back to Iraq, heavy hearted or not.
I had only been back in theater (that means deployment) for a few months when I was reassigned to Al Asad AB as my permanent duty station. It was a place in the middle of nowhere and was originally a Marine base but transferred to Army and Air Force some time in 2010. I had made some good friends there, settled in and finally started coming back to myself when I received a message from my brother’s wife asking me to call her, said it was important. Thinking back on it now, I remember feeling a little angry that she wouldn’t tell me on email. Internet I had in my room, but a phone…well I’m no general and I had already settled in for the night. It was about 21:30 hrs. (9:30 p.m.) on a night in late July so I got dressed and made the quarter mile walk to my office where I could use the phone, cursing under my breath the whole time. It took me about 20 minutes just to find my phone card in my cluttered desk drawer, but when I finally did amongst more unsavory mutterings I made the call. She answered quickly enough but her voice sounded strained so I calmed down and asked her what was going on, I figured something wasn’t right so she didn’t need me jumping her case on top of it. It was then that she told me my Brother’s body had been found in his home in Whiteville NC. He had been having a hard time with depression since our Father passed as well as marital problems and he had made the decision to take his own life at the age of 36 leaving behind his Wife, Stepson and Daughter who was only 5 at the time. I was blindsided to say the least, no one saw this coming, and he left no real reason as to why so there still is no closure, no understanding. I was angry… no, I was furious! But I’m getting ahead of myself again. She had called me not only to inform me of what had happened, but also to ask if I had Mom’s phone number because she didn’t have it and didn’t know how to get in touch with her to tell her. I told her not to worry about it and that I’d take that on my shoulders and get back to her. It had only been five months since we laid our Father to rest and to say I dreaded making that phone call was a ridiculous understatement. It was easily one of the toughest things I ever had to do, but it had to be done all the same so I dug Mom’s number out of my wallet…and stared at it…I don’t know how long but it felt like a long time. What else could I do? What could I say? It’s not like I had an instruction booklet for delivering bad news and this was as bad as it gets. After a few deep breaths I dialed her number and decided to take the direct approach. She answered the phone and we exchanged hellos, and I asked her what she was doing. She was out shopping with Robbie at the Tractor Supply Co. He was a longtime family friend and all around good guy. I told her that I had some pretty bad news and asked if she could find a place to sit down there, but she told me it was ok to just tell her what happened so I did exactly that. I gave her all the information I had at the time, I didn’t know how to sugar coat it so I didn’t. She took it pretty well up front, not breaking down until later that evening. My Brother, SPC Troy Kassab, had enlisted in the US Army with our Father’s permission when he was only 17 years old. He was a combat medic assigned to Ft. Carson in Colorado before transferring to the 82nd Airborne Division in Ft Brag NC. He deployed to Cuba among other deployments overseas before being attached to a Ranger Unit as their medic and doing other deployments that he never would talk about much. After the army he lived in NC where he worked in restaurants while attending school on the G.I bill and volunteering on the Hickory Rescue Squad as an EMT. He eventually completed school in Winston Salem NC where he got his PA degree in general practice. Troy was a self-educated, brilliant man who wasn’t perfect but who is? He saved lives in the Army, and then continued to do so in the civilian world until his death in July of 2011. He was a husband and a father, a brother and a friend. He was important to us. It was because of his past in the Army that he also was awarded full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. This time the wait was much longer and his funeral wasn’t held until November 15th of 2011. I remember that day and the days leading up to it like it was yesterday. I had ended my deployment in Iraq on November 3rd, making it back to the US on November 6th. From the time of his death I had stayed in contact with Mom and his wife Andi to make sure they were ok and help in any way I could with the affairs and expenses. When I finally did get home I pulled my truck out of storage had it inspected, fueled and ready to go. It was unfortunate, but my wife was in college and had work at the time so she couldn’t come with us so my daughter and I made the long trip from Houston TX to Hickory NC to see Troy’s wife and kids. While I was there I also picked up a close family friend of ours who needed a ride and made the long drive to Arlington VA...again. The US Army’s honor guard met us there to perform his service and again the attention to detail, the respect given to the deceased, and the discipline shown was flawless. There were more friends this time than family in attendance but I was there with Mom, Robbie, my daughter, and some very close family friends, some going all the way back to our childhood. The ceremony was the same, every time the same. I remember thinking I hated the way “Taps” sounded as they folded the flag and I was angry and hurt when I stepped forward to claim my Brother’s remains and walk them to the wall vault that would become his final resting place. I have to say though, that through my grief and anger, I was a little bit pleased to see that he was placed so close to my Father and Grandfather. I left a pair of my own dog tags in his vault, it made me feel better that he wouldn’t be alone in there. I guess it doesn’t make a lot of sense now but at the time it did. I stood over his marker and said a silent prayer before heading out to see Dad, Eddie and Joe’s markers and pay some respects. The grass was that brilliant emerald green again, and the sense that I stood in a place of honor reserved for our nations fallen still struck me through the heart. After that we just kind of faded away from that place making our way home. Troy’s wife Andi had decided not to come, she was angry, she felt betrayed and abandoned, so on my way home I stopped back in Hickory NC, dropped off Michelle and made the drive to Andi’s house to present her with Troy’s flag as it had been presented to me. I remember hoping that her decision wouldn’t leave her with later regrets, but it was too late to change it now. The drive home was a long one, one that rekindled so many unanswered questions. Three generations of my family laid to rest leaving me as the only surviving male member of my family; something that still weighs upon my heart today.
But this is their story, and though it seems a sad one, that is not its intent. This story was written so that you the reader could understand that there is a place where over a hundred thousand Josephs and Eddies, and Jans and Troys are resting. Each one of those stone crosses and stars have a face, a name, a history, and they made a sacrifice for you and for me. They were people who gave up their futures so that we could have one. They were people who had dreams, families, and who put all of that aside for what they believed in. They weren’t perfect people, but they deserve to be remembered. If you do nothing else after reading this, at least take the time to think about the freedoms that you have, freedoms that have cost us so much…
There are those who came before us, who paved the way for the lives we now live, their voices whisper to us through our freedoms and we are a greatful nation. Listen and remember...
jake aller Aug 2019
gun poems
jake aller
Aug 2019
I don't get it
I don’t Get It
Mr. Speaker I admit I don’t get it
How does prayer Stop gun violence?
Prayer did not work in Texas.
26 people were murdered while praying.
God if he exists Obviously does not care
About the poor people
Who died in his church
Because a mad man
Got a gun
And no they were not praying To be delivered from death
No one deserves to die like this
So my prayer to you
Is simply this
Get off your rear end
Rally the country
And do something
About gun violence
That’s a prayer I hope works
Dear Speaker Ryan
I want to tell you something
The dead don’t want your prayers
The dead don’t care that you pray for them
They are dead after all
And you and your so-called Christians
Are to blame
You refuse to do anything Anything at all
to stop the carnage In our streets
The U.S. is flooded with guns
And more are sold every day
Millions of people don’t have health coverage
Millions are barely surviving
And your answer
Our dear great compassionate Speaker
Your answer
Is Prayer works Government action does not
You act as if the gun violence Plaguing our country
Was like the weather Beyond our control
So here’s my prayer for you
And your colleagues
When you die I pray that God Will send you
And your friends Straight to hell
Where Satan and his demons Will use you for target practice
That’s my prayer to you And as you know Prayer works
Mr. President You are wrong once again
You said that the tragic events
in Texas And Las Vegas were not “gun situations”
But rather were mental health problems
And that in Texas
if there had been no gun controls
Perhaps fewer people would have died
Mr. President
I know you a smart man
The smartest man in the world
According to you
So please contemplate this fact
According to the latest findings
It is a gun situation
In fact, the reason the U.S.
Has so many gun deaths
Is because we have so many guns
45% of the worlds guns in fact
And 33 percent of the world’s shooters
Are Americans killing other Americans
And most of them
the majority of them
Are White men killing other people
Not Islamic terrorists
Most are in fact
Self-proclaimed Christians
So Mr. President
When will you come to your senses
And do what 90 percent of the public wants
Enact nation wide effective gun controls?
And tell the NRA
they can take their blood money elsewhere
When Mr. President
When will you act
When will you take charge
And become a President of the people
Instead of the President of the NRA?
Like (0) 0
← Previous1 2 345…75Next →
Virginia Beach Massacre Never Again
Virgina Beach
In a night of horrific scumbagery violence
Rarely seen in this jaded age of ours
Gone in one hour
In a spasm of horrific scumbagery violence I
In just a few short minutes
Nothing more than that
In just a few moments
All 12 victims were murdered
By a disgruntled employee
Every one he knew was shot
And killed for no reason
Caused by the demons
His soul was so infected
Murderous demonic voices
All in his head
Screaming **** them all
**** them all
Screaming none stop violence in his head
All the time
Causing him to start shooting
everyone he saw
Regardless of who they were
or where they were
Everyone must die
screamed the demonic voices in his head
No one can be left alive
Everyone must die
Virtually all must die
in his internal video game
Everyone must die
Regardless of who they were
or where they were
Again just another day
Gone horribly wrong
All across America In
every town
No where is safe anymore
Virgina Beach massacre
Virgina Beach massacre
Just another
Average night in America
An Active Shooter
scumbagery violence
Rarely seen
in this jaded wild world Gone in one hour
In a spasm of horrific scumbagery
In just a less than 30 short minutes
Nothing more than
In just a few short 30 moments
All the victims
were murdered while at their daily
work wrong place wrong time
act of a demotic deranged madman
voices screaming ****
The voices scream
death to all humans
All must be killed
The voices scream over and over All must die now
Just another night in America
Land of the Brave
Home of the free
More Guns for Everyone in the World
The NRA has decided
That the best solution to global problem
Of rampant violence and crime everywhere
Is for the rest of the world
To become like the U.S.
Where anyone can buy a gun
As an armed society is a polite society’
And so the President i
s about to announce
A global campaign against gun control restrictions
As these restrictions
are an undue burden
On the rights of the US arms manufactures
To sell their guns
everywhere in the world
As everyone wants what we have to sell
The best weapons in the world
Instead of trying to limit the damage
That unrestricted gun sales
Have done to the U.S.
Our President, our great leader
Wants to sell more guns
Everywhere in the world
And there are eager buyers
Lining up around the world
Eager to buy the best guns
The world has ever seen
We want to export
The gun madness
That has infected our society
Leaving behind so many dead bodies
The dead were not consulted
For they remain dead
They do not vote They have no voice
For the guns silenced them
For good just as the guns intended
Just doing their gun thing after all
Humanity has evolved From stones to arrows
To guns T o nuclear, biological weapons
And the U.S. While proclaiming itself
A champion of Human Rights
Remains nothing
but a country
Of gun runners Merchants of death And destruction
NRA Please Stop Talking
Another day
Another mass shooting
Another incident
of domestic terrorism
another gun man
killing people
because just because he can
and he wants to **** people
The NRA And their stooges
Come out
Flood the airways
With their noxious
Poisonous weasel words
The NRA says
Mass shootings
Are like the weather
You can’t control them
You can’t predict them
And you can’t prevent them
Just have to accept
It is all god’s will
Guns don’t **** people
IF guns were outlawed
Only outlaws would have guns
Only solution Is more guns
For everyone
An armed society
they say Is a polite society
Support for gun control I is
socialist/communist/fascist/anti-Am erican/anti-Christian nonsense
The beginning of tyranny
If only the Jews had guns
The holocaust would not have happened
Jesus would want us all
to be armed with machine guns
To protect us against the evil doers
It is the Christian thing to do
To blow away evil doers
With heavy arms
In America
Land of the free
Home of the brave
We can’t do anything
At all
About the mass carnage
Unleashed by madmen with guns
Who walk among us
Searching for their next victims
Any restriction of the right
To bear arms
Is tyranny at its worst
The nanny state run amuck
Talking about gun control
After a tragic event Is
just not the appropriate time
We only need prayers
and meaningless thoughts
Universal background checks
Too onerous
Registering guns
Too burdensome
Researching gun violence
waste of tax payer money
banning military style assault weapons r
Restricts my right
to blow away
Bambi the deer with a M16
the NRA will keep talking
talking and talking
preventing anything
from being done
and we will have another
Mass shooting event
Before the day is out
So my plead
This day To the NRA A
and their stoogies
Talk is cheap
Your comments Are not helping
If you can’t
Be a part of the solution
Just stop talking
Please stop talking
And let the rest
Of us figure out
How to stop
The madness in the streets
And stop the carnage
So NRA
Please just stop talking Now
military assault weapons are locked up
yet in America
the land of the free
home of the brave
everyone and his cousin
must have their gun
guns for everyone
cries the NRA
that’s the solution
The president a
and his supporters
deny the obvious
guns **** people
That’s all they do
it is a gun thing
you would not understand
Guns just do
what guns gonna do
**** people
Mr. President
You can take your words
your empty platitudes
Your empty promises
Your prayers
straight to hell
and back
where with any luck
Satan will use you
as target practice
Chief of Staff You are Absurd
the President’s chief of staff
said the other day
it was absurd
to suggest that the president’s words
had anything to do
with recent mass shootings
yet is it absurd
to see the lengths
to which the President’s supporters
will twist and turn
spinning awa y
the inconvenient truth
President Trump is a racist bigot con man
who some how conned his way
to become President
he call immigrants criminals, vermin, animals
invaders infesting the country
the El Paseo shooter
said that he went to the border
to shoot the invaders
and said that he was a big Trump fan
it is not absurd to connect these two huge dots
The President’s words
have real world consequences
Yes Mr. Trump is a racist pig a
and his supporters are being absurd
to suggest otherwise
36
Jake Aller
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Jake Aller
239 followers 893 following 333
Message Follow
https://theworldaccordingtocosmos.com
John (Jake) Cosmos Aller
Novelist, Poet, Foreign Service Officer
Tel: 703-436-1402
Email: authorjakecosmosaller@gmail.com
John (“Jake” ) Cosmos Aller is a novelist, poet and former Foreign Service officer having served 27 years with the U.S. State Department in ten countries - Antigua, Barbados, Dominica, Grenada, Korea, India, St Kitts, St Lucia, St Vincent, Spain and Thailand. and traveled to 45 countries during his career. Jake has been an aspiring novelist for several years and has completed two novels, (Giant **** Spiders, and the Great Divorce) and is pursuing publication. He has been writing poetry all his life and has published his poetry in electronic poetry forums, including All Poetry, Moon Café and Duane’s Poetree. (under the name Jake Lee). He is looking forward to transitioning to his third career – full-time novelist and poet after completing his second career as a Foreign Service officer, and his first career as an educator overseas for six years upon completion of his Peace Corps service in South Korea.
He served in a wide variety of positions running from Consular management, Fraud investigation and managing the consular overseas computer support desk, to economic and political reporting positions, international labor diplomacy, commercial diplomacy - promoting American business overseas- international organization diplomacy serving as the deputy permanent representative to the Economic and Social Commission for Asia and the Pacific, to management positions including program management, evaluation and contracting management, and environmental and science diplomacy including promoting renewable energy solutions. He taught courses at the Foreign Service Institute and overseas in Bangladesh, India, Nepal and Kathmandu on consular fraud and consular Systems issues.
Senior program evaluator overseeing the implementation of the Department's evaluation program enabling the Department to develop a robust program evaluation system.
Coordinated training program training over 200 people in three years
Launched community of practice (CoP) web page (word press) with over 300 participants, greatly expanding the ability of State program evaluators to conduct program evaluations.
Conducted meta-evaluation of completed foreign assistance evaluations insuring that the Department’s evaluations provided critical program improvement data.
Deputy Political Economic chief, - Bridgetown, Barbados
Served as the deputy political economic chief covering political, economic, labor , environment and science and commercial diplomacy efforts in the Eastern Caribbean.
Received labor officer of the year award for work in setting up regional training programs in occupational safety issues, and meeting with labor leaders in all seven countries greatly expanding our labor diplomacy outreach;
Initiated two American Chambers of Commerce organizations,
Conducted fund raising in support of Embassy’s July fourth celebrations, the first time held in multiple countries, raising $100,000 over a three year period;
Conducted training programs in all seven countries demonstrating to hundreds of locals on how to access U.S. Government export financing programs .
.
CA/FPP Deputy Training Team Coordinator – Washington, DC,
Taught consular fraud prevention courses at the Foreign Service Institute, and in Bangladesh, India, Nepal, Pakistan, greatly increasing knowledge and skills in fraud detection.
Launched Lexus Nexus public record database access for consular officers worldwide, therefore dramatically improving consular fraud prevention efforts,
Initiated first interagency Fraud Working Group coordinating fraud efforts among Departments of Homeland Security, State, and Labor.
Received Cash Award.
Deputy Consular Chief, - Mumbai, India
Oversaw American citizen services, immigration visas in fifth largest operation in the world and fraud prevention programs greatly improving management of each.
Supervised and mentored 15 junior officers and 50 local staff resulting in each unit receiving group cash awards.
Received two cash Meritorious Honor awards for my work helping American citizens facing crises including helping American citizens whose family members died in India, or were arrested.
Organized task force that dealt with aftermath of worst earthquake in 50 years.
Read more →
8 stories • 1 lists • 1 lists • 5 groups
My Poems (224)AutorankLinks
I don't get it
I don’t Get It
Mr. Speaker
I admit I don’t get it
How does praye
Stop gun violence?
Prayer did not work in Texas.
26 people were murdered while praying.
God if he exists
Obviously does not care
About the poor people
Who died in his church
Because a mad man
Got a gun
And no they were not praying
To be delivered from death
No one deserves to die like this
So my prayer to you
Is simply this Get off your rear end
Rally the country
And do something
About gun violence
That’s a prayer I hope works
© 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Read more →
Like (0) 0
Dear Speaker Ryan
Dear Speaker Ryan
I want to tell you something
The dead don’t want your prayers
The dead don’t care that you pray for them
They are dead after all
And you and your so-called Christians
Are to blame
You refuse to do anything
Anything at all
to stop the carnage In our streets
The U.S. is flooded with guns
And more are sold every day
Millions of people don’t have health coverage
Millions are barely surviving
And your answer
Our dear great compassionate Speaker
Your answer
Is Prayer works
Government action does not
You act as if the gun violence
Plaguing our country
Was like the weather
Beyond our control
So here’s my prayer for you
And your colleagues
When you die
I pray that God
Will send you
And your friends
Straight to hell
Where Satan and his demons
Will use you for target practice
That’s my prayer to you
And as you know Prayer works
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Read more →
Like (0) 0
It’s a Gun Situation, Mr. President
Mr. President You are wrong once again
You said that the tragic events
in Texas And Las Vegas were not “gun situations”
But rather were mental health problems
And that in Texas
if there had been no gun controls
Perhaps fewer people would have died
Mr. President
I know you a smart man
The smartest man in the world
According to you
So please contemplate this fact
According to the latest findings
It is a gun situation
In fact, the reason the U.S.
Has so many gun deaths
Is because we have so many guns
45% of the worlds guns in fact
And 33 percent of the world’s shooters
Are Americans killing other Americans
And most of them
the majority of them
Are White men killing other people
Not Islamic terrorists
Most are in fact
Self-proclaimed Christians
So Mr. President
When will you come to your senses
And do what 90 percent of the public wants
Enact nation wide effective gun controls?
And tell the NRA
they can take their blood money elsewhere
When Mr. President
When will you act
When will you take charge
And become a President of the people
Instead of the President of the NRA?
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
← Previous1 2 345…75Next →
Virginia Beach Massacre Never Again
Virgina Beach
In a night of horrific scumbagery violence
Rarely seen in this jaded age of ours
Gone in one hour
In a spasm of horrific scumbagery violence I
In just a few short minutes
Nothing more than that
In just a few moments
All 12 victims were murdered
By a disgruntled employee
Every one he knew was shot
And killed for no reason
Caused by the demons
His soul was so infected
Murderous demonic voices
All in his head
Screaming **** them all
**** them all
Screaming none stop violence in his head
All the time
Causing him to start shooting
everyone he saw
Regardless of who they were
or where they were
Everyone must die
screamed the demonic voices in his head
No one can be left alive
Everyone must die
Virtually all must die
in his internal video game
Everyone must die
Regardless of who they were
or where they were
Again just another day
Gone horribly wrong
All across America In
every town
No where is safe anymore
Virgina Beach massacre
Virgina Beach massacre
Just another
Average night in America
An Active Shooter
scumbagery violence
Rarely seen
in this jaded wild world Gone in one hour
In a spasm of horrific scumbagery
In just a less than 30 short minutes
Nothing more than
In just a few short 30 moments
All the victims
were murdered while at their daily
work wrong place wrong time
act of a demotic deranged madman
voices screaming ****
The voices scream
death to all humans
All must be killed
The voices scream over and over
All must die now
Just another night in America
Land of the Free
Home of the free
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
More Guns for Everyone
More Guns for Everyone in the World
The NRA has decided
That the best solution to global problem
Of rampant violence and crime everywhere
Is for the rest of the world
To become like the U.S.
Where anyone can buy a gun
As an armed society is a polite society’
And so the President i
s about to announce
A global campaign against gun control restrictions
As these restrictions
are an undue burden
On the rights of the US arms manufactures
To sell their guns
everywhere in the world
As everyone wants what we have to sell
The best weapons in the world
Instead of trying to limit the damage
That unrestricted gun sales
Have done to the U.S.
Our President, our great leader
Wants to sell more guns
Everywhere in the world
And there are eager buyers
Lining up around the world
Eager to buy the best guns
The world has ever seen
We want to export
The gun madness
That has infected our society
Leaving behind so many dead bodies
The dead were not consulted
For they remain dead
They do not vote T
hey have no voice
For the guns silenced them
For good just as the guns intended
Just doing their gun thing after all
Humanity has evolved
From stones to arrows
To guns T o nuclear, biological weapons
And the U.S. While proclaiming itself
A champion of Human Rights
Remains nothing
but a country
Of gun runners Merchants of death
And destruction
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
NRA Quit Talking
NRA Please Stop Talking
Another day
Another mass shooting
Another incident
of domestic terrorism
another gun man
killing people
because just because he can
and he wants to **** people
The NRA And their stooges
Come out
Flood the airways
With their noxious
Poisonous weasel words
The NRA says
Mass shootings
Are like the weather
You can’t control them
You can’t predict them
And you can’t prevent them
Just have to accept
It is all god’s will
Guns don’t **** people
IF guns were outlawed
Only outlaws would have guns
Only solution Is more guns
For everyone
An armed society
they say Is a polite society
Support for gun control I is
socialist/communist/fascist/anti-Am erican/anti-Christian nonsense
The beginning of tyranny
If only the Jews had guns
The holocaust would not have happened
Jesus would want us all
to be armed with machine guns
To protect us against the evil doers
It is the Christian thing to do
To blow away evil doers
With heavy arms
In America
Land of the free
Home of the brave
We can’t do anything
At all
About the mass carnage
Unleashed by madmen with guns
Who walk among us
Searching for their next victims
Any restriction of the right
To bear arms
Is tyranny at its worst
The nanny state run amuck
Talking about gun control
After a tragic event Is
just not the appropriate time
We only need prayers
and meaningless thoughts
Universal background checks
Too onerous
Registering guns
Too burdensome
Researching gun violence
waste of tax payer money
banning military style assault weapons r
Restricts my right
to blow away
Bambi the deer with a M16
the NRA will keep talking
talking and talking
preventing anything
from being done
and we will have another
Mass shooting event
Before the day is out
So my plead
This day To the NRA A
and their stoogies
Talk is cheap
Your comments Are not helping
If you can’t
Be a part of the solution
Just stop talking
Please stop talking
And let the rest
Of us figure out
How to stop
The madness in the streets
And stop the carnage
So NRA
Please just stop talking Now
another gun stop © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
← Previous12 3 456…75Next →
guns **** People
Guns **** people g
Guns do **** people
it is not mental illness
it is not video games
it is not a million other things
it is simply this
a gun is a weapon
a weapon designed to **** people
That is what guns do
guns don’t care
they do as they are told
If you pull the trigger t
They will **** the victim
that is what guns do
that is why in a civilized society
military assault weapons are locked up
yet in America
the land of the free
home of the brave
everyone and his cousin
must have their gun
guns for everyone
cries the NRA
that’s the solution
The president a
and his supporters
deny the obvious
guns **** people
That’s all they do
it is a gun thing
you would not understand
Guns just do
what guns gonna do
**** people
Mr. President
You can take your words
your empty platitudes
Your empty promises
Your prayers
straight to hell
and back
where with any luck
Satan will use you
as target practice
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
Chief of Staff You are Absurd
the President’s chief of staff
said the other day
it was absurd
to suggest that the president’s words
had anything to do
with recent mass shootings
yet is it absurd
to see the lengths
to which the President’s supporters
will twist and turn
spinning awa y
the inconvenient truth
President Trump is a racist bigot con man
who some how conned his way
to become President
he call immigrants criminals, vermin, animals
invaders infesting the country
the El Paseo shooter
said that he went to the border
to shoot the invaders
and said that he was a big Trump fan
it is not absurd to connect these two huge dots
The President’s words
have real world consequences
Yes Mr. Trump is a racist pig a
and his supporters are being absurd
to suggest otherwise
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (1) 1
Mr. President Words Matter
Mr. President Words Matter
Mr President
Words matter
your words matter
your words of hate
your words of division
your words calling fellow human beings ****, vermin,
invaders, animals matter
they matter a lot
and is it little wonder
that people listen
to the hate you sprew forth
and some deranged people
take action on your call for action
against the invaders
on the border
they march to the border
to **** the invaders
your words matter
Mr. President
and your false words of regret
fool no one
the damage has been done
the hate has been spread
just as you intended
and you have the gall
to call yourself A Christian
you are the anti-Christ
you are not a Christian
so please quite pretending
to be what you are not
please man up
accept your responsibility
set things right
apologize
the dead though
don’t need your prayers
they need action
they need leadership
and you are the president
so please start acting
like you give a ****
and if you do so
perhaps you will find
people will follow you
but please quite the words of hate
the words that hurt
and quit calling immigrants invaders
and vermin
they are human beings
they are deserving of respect
this I ask of you In Jesus’s name even though I am not a Christian another day, another shooting
Another Day Another Shooting
another day in paradise
just another day in Americal
Land of the free
Home of the brave
and gunshots,
lots of gunshots more guns for all cries the NRA
yes another day
another gun battle another white man
who just wants to ****
the President sends his condolences Thanks the law enforcement for an incredible job well done It was horrible
Hate has no place
in our country
and we will take of it
and do what ever we can do
condolences nothing but false words empty words
lots of things to do
it is mental illness problem
but he fails to mention
the words gun at al
not at all
and tomorrow and tomorrow
but he at least finally
said hate has no role in country nothing but prime BS
in my humble opinion
he did not mention white supremacy his rhetoric had nothing
nothing to do
about this at all
and so tomorrow
I will turn on the TV and we see
nothing at all
and the dead will remain dead the guns will fire again
nothing will be done
welcome to America land of the free home of the brave
I don’t Get It
Mr. Speaker I admit I don’t get it
How does prayer Stop gun violence?
Prayer did not work in Texas.
26 people were murdered while praying.
God if he exists Obviously does not care
About the poor people
Who died in his church
Because a mad man
Got a gun
And no they were not praying To be delivered from death
No one deserves to die like this
So my prayer to you
Is simply this
Get off your rear end
Rally the country
And do something
About gun violence
That’s a prayer I hope works
Dear Speaker Ryan
I want to tell you something
The dead don’t want your prayers
The dead don’t care that you pray for them
They are dead after all
And you and your so-called Christians
Are to blame
You refuse to do anything Anything at all
to stop the carnage In our streets
The U.S. is flooded with guns
And more are sold every day
Millions of people don’t have health coverage
Millions are barely surviving
And your answer
Our dear great compassionate Speaker
Your answer
Is Prayer works Government action does not
You act as if the gun violence Plaguing our country
Was like the weather Beyond our control
So here’s my prayer for you
And your colleagues
When you die I pray that God Will send you
And your friends Straight to hell
Where Satan and his demons Will use you for target practice
That’s my prayer to you And as you know Prayer works
Mr. President You are wrong once again
You said that the tragic events
in Texas And Las Vegas were not “gun situations”
But rather were mental health problems
And that in Texas
if there had been no gun controls
Perhaps fewer people would have died
Mr. President
I know you a smart man
The smartest man in the world
According to you
So please contemplate this fact
According to the latest findings
It is a gun situation
In fact, the reason the U.S.
Has so many gun deaths
Is because we have so many guns
45% of the worlds guns in fact
And 33 percent of the world’s shooters
Are Americans killing other Americans
And most of them
the majority of them
Are White men killing other people
Not Islamic terrorists
Most are in fact
Self-proclaimed Christians
So Mr. President
When will you come to your senses
And do what 90 percent of the public wants
Enact nation wide effective gun controls?
And tell the NRA
they can take their blood money elsewhere
When Mr. President
When will you act
When will you take charge
And become a President of the people
Instead of the President of the NRA?
Like (0) 0
← Previous1 2 345…75Next →
Virginia Beach Massacre Never Again
Virgina Beach
In a night of horrific scumbagery violence
Rarely seen in this jaded age of ours
Gone in one hour
In a spasm of horrific scumbagery violence I
In just a few short minutes
Nothing more than that
In just a few moments
All 12 victims were murdered
By a disgruntled employee
Every one he knew was shot
And killed for no reason
Caused by the demons
His soul was so infected
Murderous demonic voices
All in his head
Screaming **** them all
**** them all
Screaming none stop violence in his head
All the time
Causing him to start shooting
everyone he saw
Regardless of who they were
or where they were
Everyone must die
screamed the demonic voices in his head
No one can be left alive
Everyone must die
Virtually all must die
in his internal video game
Everyone must die
Regardless of who they were
or where they were
Again just another day
Gone horribly wrong
All across America In
every town
No where is safe anymore
Virgina Beach massacre
Virgina Beach massacre
Just another
Average night in America
An Active Shooter
scumbagery violence
Rarely seen
in this jaded wild world Gone in one hour
In a spasm of horrific scumbagery
In just a less than 30 short minutes
Nothing more than
In just a few short 30 moments
All the victims
were murdered while at their daily
work wrong place wrong time
act of a demotic deranged madman
voices screaming ****
The voices scream
death to all humans
All must be killed
The voices scream over and over All must die now
Just another night in America
Land of the Brave
Home of the free
More Guns for Everyone in the World
The NRA has decided
That the best solution to global problem
Of rampant violence and crime everywhere
Is for the rest of the world
To become like the U.S.
Where anyone can buy a gun
As an armed society is a polite society’
And so the President i
s about to announce
A global campaign against gun control restrictions
As these restrictions
are an undue burden
On the rights of the US arms manufactures
To sell their guns
everywhere in the world
As everyone wants what we have to sell
The best weapons in the world
Instead of trying to limit the damage
That unrestricted gun sales
Have done to the U.S.
Our President, our great leader
Wants to sell more guns
Everywhere in the world
And there are eager buyers
Lining up around the world
Eager to buy the best guns
The world has ever seen
We want to export
The gun madness
That has infected our society
Leaving behind so many dead bodies
The dead were not consulted
For they remain dead
They do not vote They have no voice
For the guns silenced them
For good just as the guns intended
Just doing their gun thing after all
Humanity has evolved From stones to arrows
To guns T o nuclear, biological weapons
And the U.S. While proclaiming itself
A champion of Human Rights
Remains nothing
but a country
Of gun runners Merchants of death And destruction
NRA Please Stop Talking
Another day
Another mass shooting
Another incident
of domestic terrorism
another gun man
killing people
because just because he can
and he wants to **** people
The NRA And their stooges
Come out
Flood the airways
With their noxious
Poisonous weasel words
The NRA says
Mass shootings
Are like the weather
You can’t control them
You can’t predict them
And you can’t prevent them
Just have to accept
It is all god’s will
Guns don’t **** people
IF guns were outlawed
Only outlaws would have guns
Only solution Is more guns
For everyone
An armed society
they say Is a polite society
Support for gun control I is
socialist/communist/fascist/anti-Am erican/anti-Christian nonsense
The beginning of tyranny
If only the Jews had guns
The holocaust would not have happened
Jesus would want us all
to be armed with machine guns
To protect us against the evil doers
It is the Christian thing to do
To blow away evil doers
With heavy arms
In America
Land of the free
Home of the brave
We can’t do anything
At all
About the mass carnage
Unleashed by madmen with guns
Who walk among us
Searching for their next victims
Any restriction of the right
To bear arms
Is tyranny at its worst
The nanny state run amuck
Talking about gun control
After a tragic event Is
just not the appropriate time
We only need prayers
and meaningless thoughts
Universal background checks
Too onerous
Registering guns
Too burdensome
Researching gun violence
waste of tax payer money
banning military style assault weapons r
Restricts my right
to blow away
Bambi the deer with a M16
the NRA will keep talking
talking and talking
preventing anything
from being done
and we will have another
Mass shooting event
Before the day is out
So my plead
This day To the NRA A
and their stoogies
Talk is cheap
Your comments Are not helping
If you can’t
Be a part of the solution
Just stop talking
Please stop talking
And let the rest
Of us figure out
How to stop
The madness in the streets
And stop the carnage
So NRA
Please just stop talking Now
military assault weapons are locked up
yet in America
the land of the free
home of the brave
everyone and his cousin
must have their gun
guns for everyone
cries the NRA
that’s the solution
The president a
and his supporters
deny the obvious
guns **** people
That’s all they do
it is a gun thing
you would not understand
Guns just do
what guns gonna do
**** people
Mr. President
You can take your words
your empty platitudes
Your empty promises
Your prayers
straight to hell
and back
where with any luck
Satan will use you
as target practice
Chief of Staff You are Absurd
the President’s chief of staff
said the other day
it was absurd
to suggest that the president’s words
had anything to do
with recent mass shootings
yet is it absurd
to see the lengths
to which the President’s supporters
will twist and turn
spinning awa y
the inconvenient truth
President Trump is a racist bigot con man
who some how conned his way
to become President
he call immigrants criminals, vermin, animals
invaders infesting the country
the El Paseo shooter
said that he went to the border
to shoot the invaders
and said that he was a big Trump fan
it is not absurd to connect these two huge dots
The President’s words
have real world consequences
Yes Mr. Trump is a racist pig a
and his supporters are being absurd
to suggest otherwise
36
Jake Aller
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Jake Aller
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https://theworldaccordingtocosmos.com
John (Jake) Cosmos Aller
Novelist, Poet, Foreign Service Officer
Tel: 703-436-1402
Email: authorjakecosmosaller@gmail.com
John (“Jake” ) Cosmos Aller is a novelist, poet and former Foreign Service officer having served 27 years with the U.S. State Department in ten countries - Antigua, Barbados, Dominica, Grenada, Korea, India, St Kitts, St Lucia, St Vincent, Spain and Thailand. and traveled to 45 countries during his career. Jake has been an aspiring novelist for several years and has completed two novels, (Giant **** Spiders, and the Great Divorce) and is pursuing publication. He has been writing poetry all his life and has published his poetry in electronic poetry forums, including All Poetry, Moon Café and Duane’s Poetree. (under the name Jake Lee). He is looking forward to transitioning to his third career – full-time novelist and poet after completing his second career as a Foreign Service officer, and his first career as an educator overseas for six years upon completion of his Peace Corps service in South Korea.
He served in a wide variety of positions running from Consular management, Fraud investigation and managing the consular overseas computer support desk, to economic and political reporting positions, international labor diplomacy, commercial diplomacy - promoting American business overseas- international organization diplomacy serving as the deputy permanent representative to the Economic and Social Commission for Asia and the Pacific, to management positions including program management, evaluation and contracting management, and environmental and science diplomacy including promoting renewable energy solutions. He taught courses at the Foreign Service Institute and overseas in Bangladesh, India, Nepal and Kathmandu on consular fraud and consular Systems issues.
Senior program evaluator overseeing the implementation of the Department's evaluation program enabling the Department to develop a robust program evaluation system.
Coordinated training program training over 200 people in three years
Launched community of practice (CoP) web page (word press) with over 300 participants, greatly expanding the ability of State program evaluators to conduct program evaluations.
Conducted meta-evaluation of completed foreign assistance evaluations insuring that the Department’s evaluations provided critical program improvement data.
Deputy Political Economic chief, - Bridgetown, Barbados
Served as the deputy political economic chief covering political, economic, labor , environment and science and commercial diplomacy efforts in the Eastern Caribbean.
Received labor officer of the year award for work in setting up regional training programs in occupational safety issues, and meeting with labor leaders in all seven countries greatly expanding our labor diplomacy outreach;
Initiated two American Chambers of Commerce organizations,
Conducted fund raising in support of Embassy’s July fourth celebrations, the first time held in multiple countries, raising $100,000 over a three year period;
Conducted training programs in all seven countries demonstrating to hundreds of locals on how to access U.S. Government export financing programs .
.
CA/FPP Deputy Training Team Coordinator – Washington, DC,
Taught consular fraud prevention courses at the Foreign Service Institute, and in Bangladesh, India, Nepal, Pakistan, greatly increasing knowledge and skills in fraud detection.
Launched Lexus Nexus public record database access for consular officers worldwide, therefore dramatically improving consular fraud prevention efforts,
Initiated first interagency Fraud Working Group coordinating fraud efforts among Departments of Homeland Security, State, and Labor.
Received Cash Award.
Deputy Consular Chief, - Mumbai, India
Oversaw American citizen services, immigration visas in fifth largest operation in the world and fraud prevention programs greatly improving management of each.
Supervised and mentored 15 junior officers and 50 local staff resulting in each unit receiving group cash awards.
Received two cash Meritorious Honor awards for my work helping American citizens facing crises including helping American citizens whose family members died in India, or were arrested.
Organized task force that dealt with aftermath of worst earthquake in 50 years.
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My Poems (224)AutorankLinks
I don't get it
I don’t Get It
Mr. Speaker
I admit I don’t get it
How does praye
Stop gun violence?
Prayer did not work in Texas.
26 people were murdered while praying.
God if he exists
Obviously does not care
About the poor people
Who died in his church
Because a mad man
Got a gun
And no they were not praying
To be delivered from death
No one deserves to die like this
So my prayer to you
Is simply this Get off your rear end
Rally the country
And do something
About gun violence
That’s a prayer I hope works
© 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
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Dear Speaker Ryan
Dear Speaker Ryan
I want to tell you something
The dead don’t want your prayers
The dead don’t care that you pray for them
They are dead after all
And you and your so-called Christians
Are to blame
You refuse to do anything
Anything at all
to stop the carnage In our streets
The U.S. is flooded with guns
And more are sold every day
Millions of people don’t have health coverage
Millions are barely surviving
And your answer
Our dear great compassionate Speaker
Your answer
Is Prayer works
Government action does not
You act as if the gun violence
Plaguing our country
Was like the weather
Beyond our control
So here’s my prayer for you
And your colleagues
When you die
I pray that God
Will send you
And your friends
Straight to hell
Where Satan and his demons
Will use you for target practice
That’s my prayer to you
And as you know Prayer works
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
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It’s a Gun Situation, Mr. President
Mr. President You are wrong once again
You said that the tragic events
in Texas And Las Vegas were not “gun situations”
But rather were mental health problems
And that in Texas
if there had been no gun controls
Perhaps fewer people would have died
Mr. President
I know you a smart man
The smartest man in the world
According to you
So please contemplate this fact
According to the latest findings
It is a gun situation
In fact, the reason the U.S.
Has so many gun deaths
Is because we have so many guns
45% of the worlds guns in fact
And 33 percent of the world’s shooters
Are Americans killing other Americans
And most of them
the majority of them
Are White men killing other people
Not Islamic terrorists
Most are in fact
Self-proclaimed Christians
So Mr. President
When will you come to your senses
And do what 90 percent of the public wants
Enact nation wide effective gun controls?
And tell the NRA
they can take their blood money elsewhere
When Mr. President
When will you act
When will you take charge
And become a President of the people
Instead of the President of the NRA?
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
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Virginia Beach Massacre Never Again
Virgina Beach
In a night of horrific scumbagery violence
Rarely seen in this jaded age of ours
Gone in one hour
In a spasm of horrific scumbagery violence I
In just a few short minutes
Nothing more than that
In just a few moments
All 12 victims were murdered
By a disgruntled employee
Every one he knew was shot
And killed for no reason
Caused by the demons
His soul was so infected
Murderous demonic voices
All in his head
Screaming **** them all
**** them all
Screaming none stop violence in his head
All the time
Causing him to start shooting
everyone he saw
Regardless of who they were
or where they were
Everyone must die
screamed the demonic voices in his head
No one can be left alive
Everyone must die
Virtually all must die
in his internal video game
Everyone must die
Regardless of who they were
or where they were
Again just another day
Gone horribly wrong
All across America In
every town
No where is safe anymore
Virgina Beach massacre
Virgina Beach massacre
Just another
Average night in America
An Active Shooter
scumbagery violence
Rarely seen
in this jaded wild world Gone in one hour
In a spasm of horrific scumbagery
In just a less than 30 short minutes
Nothing more than
In just a few short 30 moments
All the victims
were murdered while at their daily
work wrong place wrong time
act of a demotic deranged madman
voices screaming ****
The voices scream
death to all humans
All must be killed
The voices scream over and over
All must die now
Just another night in America
Land of the Free
Home of the free
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
More Guns for Everyone
More Guns for Everyone in the World
The NRA has decided
That the best solution to global problem
Of rampant violence and crime everywhere
Is for the rest of the world
To become like the U.S.
Where anyone can buy a gun
As an armed society is a polite society’
And so the President i
s about to announce
A global campaign against gun control restrictions
As these restrictions
are an undue burden
On the rights of the US arms manufactures
To sell their guns
everywhere in the world
As everyone wants what we have to sell
The best weapons in the world
Instead of trying to limit the damage
That unrestricted gun sales
Have done to the U.S.
Our President, our great leader
Wants to sell more guns
Everywhere in the world
And there are eager buyers
Lining up around the world
Eager to buy the best guns
The world has ever seen
We want to export
The gun madness
That has infected our society
Leaving behind so many dead bodies
The dead were not consulted
For they remain dead
They do not vote T
hey have no voice
For the guns silenced them
For good just as the guns intended
Just doing their gun thing after all
Humanity has evolved
From stones to arrows
To guns T o nuclear, biological weapons
And the U.S. While proclaiming itself
A champion of Human Rights
Remains nothing
but a country
Of gun runners Merchants of death
And destruction
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
NRA Quit Talking
NRA Please Stop Talking
Another day
Another mass shooting
Another incident
of domestic terrorism
another gun man
killing people
because just because he can
and he wants to **** people
The NRA And their stooges
Come out
Flood the airways
With their noxious
Poisonous weasel words
The NRA says
Mass shootings
Are like the weather
You can’t control them
You can’t predict them
And you can’t prevent them
Just have to accept
It is all god’s will
Guns don’t **** people
IF guns were outlawed
Only outlaws would have guns
Only solution Is more guns
For everyone
An armed society
they say Is a polite society
Support for gun control I is
socialist/communist/fascist/anti-Am erican/anti-Christian nonsense
The beginning of tyranny
If only the Jews had guns
The holocaust would not have happened
Jesus would want us all
to be armed with machine guns
To protect us against the evil doers
It is the Christian thing to do
To blow away evil doers
With heavy arms
In America
Land of the free
Home of the brave
We can’t do anything
At all
About the mass carnage
Unleashed by madmen with guns
Who walk among us
Searching for their next victims
Any restriction of the right
To bear arms
Is tyranny at its worst
The nanny state run amuck
Talking about gun control
After a tragic event Is
just not the appropriate time
We only need prayers
and meaningless thoughts
Universal background checks
Too onerous
Registering guns
Too burdensome
Researching gun violence
waste of tax payer money
banning military style assault weapons r
Restricts my right
to blow away
Bambi the deer with a M16
the NRA will keep talking
talking and talking
preventing anything
from being done
and we will have another
Mass shooting event
Before the day is out
So my plead
This day To the NRA A
and their stoogies
Talk is cheap
Your comments Are not helping
If you can’t
Be a part of the solution
Just stop talking
Please stop talking
And let the rest
Of us figure out
How to stop
The madness in the streets
And stop the carnage
So NRA
Please just stop talking Now
another gun stop © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
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guns **** People
Guns **** people g
Guns do **** people
it is not mental illness
it is not video games
it is not a million other things
it is simply this
a gun is a weapon
a weapon designed to **** people
That is what guns do
guns don’t care
they do as they are told
If you pull the trigger t
They will **** the victim
that is what guns do
that is why in a civilized society
military assault weapons are locked up
yet in America
the land of the free
home of the brave
everyone and his cousin
must have their gun
guns for everyone
cries the NRA
that’s the solution
The president a
and his supporters
deny the obvious
guns **** people
That’s all they do
it is a gun thing
you would not understand
Guns just do
what guns gonna do
**** people
Mr. President
You can take your words
your empty platitudes
Your empty promises
Your prayers
straight to hell
and back
where with any luck
Satan will use you
as target practice
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (0) 0
Chief of Staff You are Absurd
the President’s chief of staff
said the other day
it was absurd
to suggest that the president’s words
had anything to do
with recent mass shootings
yet is it absurd
to see the lengths
to which the President’s supporters
will twist and turn
spinning awa y
the inconvenient truth
President Trump is a racist bigot con man
who some how conned his way
to become President
he call immigrants criminals, vermin, animals
invaders infesting the country
the El Paseo shooter
said that he went to the border
to shoot the invaders
and said that he was a big Trump fan
it is not absurd to connect these two huge dots
The President’s words
have real world consequences
Yes Mr. Trump is a racist pig a
and his supporters are being absurd
to suggest otherwise
another gun poem © 2 hours ago, john Cosmos Aller
Like (1) 1
Mr. President Words Matter
Mr. President Words Matter
Mr President
Words matter
your words matter
your words of hate
your words of division
your words calling fellow human beings ****, vermin,
invaders, animals matter
they matter a lot
and is it little wonder
that people listen
to the hate you sprew forth
and some deranged people
take action on your call for action
against the invaders
on the border
they march to the border
to **** the invaders
your words matter
Mr. President
and your false words of regret
fool no one
the damage has been done
the hate has been spread
just as you intended
and you have the gall
to call yourself A Christian
you are the anti-Christ
you are not a Christian
so please quite pretending
to be what you are not
please man up
accept your responsibility
set things right
apologize
the dead though
don’t need your prayers
they need action
they need leadership
and you are the president
so please start acting
like you give a ****
and if you do so
perhaps you will find
people will follow you
but please quite the words of hate
the words that hurt
and quit calling immigrants invaders
and vermin
they are human beings
they are deserving of respect
this I ask of you In Jesus’s name even though I am not a Christian another day, another shooting
Another Day Another Shooting
another day in paradise
just another day in Americal
Land of the free
Home of the brave
and gunshots,
lots of gunshots more guns for all cries the NRA
yes another day
another gun battle another white man
who just wants to ****
the President sends his condolences Thanks the law enforcement for an incredible job well done It was horrible
Hate has no place
in our country
and we will take of it
and do what ever we can do
condolences nothing but false words empty words
lots of things to do
it is mental illness problem
but he fails to mention
the words gun at al
not at all
and tomorrow and tomorrow
but he at least finally
said hate has no role in country nothing but prime BS
in my humble opinion
he did not mention white supremacy his rhetoric had nothing
nothing to do
about this at all
and so tomorrow
I will turn on the TV and we see
nothing at all
and the dead will remain dead the guns will fire again
nothing will be done
welcome to America land of the free home of the brave
poems about gun violence