The taxi is silent the driver's stopped trying
A crossing appears with no pedestrians crossing
Houses line the street with a warm yellow lighting
The night drizzle lightens, the pavements start frosting.

Shouldn't winter nights be spent comfortably
Rapped in familiarity?

Turn into the car park, the barrier is rising
Wretched is the destination, cold and disheartening
One day you'll return and your mindset will brighten
For now we will visit under the cold grey lighting.

Should I dare to peak inside?
The driver shrugs. I daren't decide.

The automatic doors squeak ominously open
No round of applause, no standing ovations
A pin could be heard, the canteen is broken
Seldom celebrated, there are few worse locations.

Should I lower my temperament
Become stoic and sensible?

The escalator moans while taking us further
The corridors smell stale, they echo a murmur
A slip-away comment in a labyrinth of tension
Hospital blue reflects in the eyes of the visitors.

Could I muster the strength to go inside?
I'm here, I've done it, all sadness must hide.

The nurse hands over the apron, i feel inhuman,
You lie propped on a cushion, restlessly muttering.
'It's a bad dream, it's okay' I'm nervously stuttering.
My stomach churns at the pain you're experiencing.

Should i dare to show my tears?
I needn't alarm onlookers and familiars.

Your bed-light flickers, the room dissapears
In the darkness we're calm, inhibitions are cleared
Such split-second clarity has calmed me for years.
I smile fearlessly pulling your hand gently nearer.

Should I dare to leave your side?
I'd blame myself, it would shatter my pride.

So here we sit for hours on end, semiconscious
Semi-talking, the volta on which all cruxces depend
Your dream-like graciousness cleanses and encompasses;
Myself and others, regale tales of your accomplishments.

Should I dare to leave your side
You grimace, blinking vacantly
‘I couldn’t bear to be alone if ever I died’

In latency, the true mask of life hides
Your whole world would be empty
Should I dare to leave your side

The lace of your last dying wish untied
Loneliness is absence recurring eternally
‘I couldn’t bear to be alone if ever I died’

I won’t leave the room sufficed you’re still alive
What sort of gratitude would it show of me
Should I dare to leave your side

If I gave in reluctantly, famished, red-eyed
Your disquiet would grow infinitely
‘I couldn’t bear to be alone if ever I died’

Love is all that stops me from dying inside
There would be no final anything
Should I dare to leave your side
I couldn't bear it if you died

The train window swallows mansions and fields and rivers and box-like houses as if all are mere stick figures

There are tears pressed behind my eyes, and they desperately want to jump from the red rims of my eyelids and end it all

End it all

The water pressure in my head has reached a point where the measurements start to break down, thoughts tossed turbulently into darkness and suddenly breathing water seems better than breathing air

My headphones crackle with music as I gaze at my fellow passengers in disbelief- the woman next to me is looking at shoes

Doesn't she get it? Don't they get it? How futile it all is? How beautifully endlessly painful and deadly life is?
I choke on rain when I close my eyes

The train roars forward in mechanical bliss with its destruction of the scenery outside

A boy is sitting across from me now. He leans closer and I catch death in his dark, empty eyes.
'And you thought you were going to be okay' he sneers.
My tears and water soaked brain are paralyzed into ice.
'My dear' he confides, wrapping me in his bitter, syrupy touch.
You will never be okay.*

He laughs, melting through the screeching train car
And my iced-over tears break
I know now he waits patiently on the train's tracks
And I fervently hope I will never meet him there

i am sorry
that i will not have
the time
to grow old
and my heart weeps
that i will not see
the world
just one more time
as it once was
i grieve
for all of the futures
that will not be
and the pasts
that will no longer
be retold
i lament day
and night
that it has come
to this

to be present
at
the end
as it begins