Mom always said
You reap what you sow
Maybe god mixed up my garden

How can I fight when there’s no longer something to refute
What I thought could be
Had crashed down from the skies
Leaving me on the ground
Laying next to shards
Fragile remnants of a previous magic
Hope

Of all the things I imagined myself doing
This was not one
For I lacked the creativity to believe I would fail
And overflowed on the confidence that I deserved better
What a fool I was
To believe that life would favour me

No matter how much I try to push past you
I can’t
Physically, I’m unable to walk away
Incapable of accepting the new me
Something is holding me back
Yet I refuse to believe I’d stay
Not for something this dark
Maybe there’s no glimmer of light
After all

Now that I think about it,
You weren't that great
You were there for me
        But presence doesn't mean much
You comforted me
        But hollow promises hold no value
None of this was as bad
As when you distanced yourself
You stopped putting in the effort
        So I tried twice as hard
You walked away, not looking back
        As I drowned and gasped for air
The crazy part is
The air in my lungs changed me
My vision got blurry
        But everything was more clear
A realization appeared
You were no longer there-
I could finally come up and breathe in
The air.

You sauntered into my life as if it was yours; a birthright
You've turned my life upside down; yet this is not a love story
Laced with poison, is the wine we drink together
Gone, are the vows you made to me
Dark, is the bright future I once had
The light flickers, I hear a noise
You're home
You smile today
You take me up the stairs
    A surprise for me, you say
        I come to my senses
            It's my time to surprise
                This might hurt
                     My condolences.

Joy is rarely brought into your life by the success of others
One, whose success brings joy into your life and whose failure brings you grief
Is one you should hold
One that makes you fortunate
For you have attained selfless joy
A rare marvel of mankind that none have understood
Yet all wish to obtain

Doubt is such a beautiful terror
It's black waves begin like a starless nightfall
It will set up shop inside your mind
It will infiltrate your every thought
And enter the business of trading souls
You will not recognize it until it's too late
By then you will have traded in more than you can cash
Cheque. Bounced.

The cars sped past me
thumbs up, I didn't lose hope
hours later, the sound of traffic filled my ears
yet I stood there with a bright smile
greeted with insults and scared faces
I began to walk
the path was not in my favour
when finally, I reached my destination
content with myself, I expected to be received with open arms
arms-they were, open-they were not
putting on my armour
I began to walk

Be the alcohol
to my cut
and help me heal

You're great but...
Do you have a guy in your life?
That little voice in your mind is saying
Give in
Give in to the perpetual mindset of equating success to a prospective man in my life
But why?
Have you ever thought that the men in our lives are not the problem?
Stopped to think that maybe it's our fault that women constantly feel the pressure to enter relationships?
Solve my oh-so-sad single status?
No thank you, I think I'm good.

Have you ever been in so much pain that it hurts to breathe?
Is your pain so severe that you wouldn't wish it upon your worst enemy?
My pain is like this
It's one that does not stop for me
It throws tantrums like a child that doesn't get what they want
It speaks to me like a bully would
It ruins my confidence much like an ex boyfriend would
But yet here I persevere
On those nights that you can't think straight
Remember that you are not the only one
Remember that you have goals
Remember that you have a chosen path
Driving off the road will do you no good, no matter what the weather...

You make things sound so simple
Conversations, experiences, memories;
To you they may seem like fleeting thoughts of the past
Subconscious actions programmed into your being; but for me
For me they require effort
For me they require thought
For me they require commitment
Next time you want to play a game
Don't make me your pawn and life, your board

Moms tell us we should wait
          Wait for perfection for their perfect daughters
                  Daughters, who've set high expectations for low esteems
                           Esteems, that have been brought down through the worst of experiences
                                 Experiences, that we wait for, for years upon years

My question while falling down this rabbit hole of thought;
Should I wait or should I just make do?

In a battle of wills
The will nots prevail
For once I'd like to see
The will
            ...rising up from turmoil

I dont want to seek it out
But if opportunity ever knocks on my door
Just know that I will take him up on his offer
And when I do
Know that you will simultaneously be royally *******

Even when I do receive compliments I can never accept them
It's something about the way they used to make me feel
Maybe the person was more important than the compliment after all

I was thinking of our conversation
What was it that you said?
Rather that you asked?
I believe it was-
Why would I do that?
Unable to answer in the moment
I began to question my decisions
But why would I do THAT?
Now I remember
This pretty picture of mine contains painful pressures
You can judge it or I can say;
Yeah, my canvas is ripped but your paint hasn't even dried yet

We live in an age where we can easily decline viable offers because we think that we are above them
This easy accessible word: "no"
Has saved lives, dignities and cultures
But as the saying goes things should be taken in moderation
Sometimes saying, "no," to life isn't in your best interest
Life must take it's course and the only way that can happen is if we acknowledge the efforts made by others before we so easily reject them
One day you will realize that the glass ceiling you have so carefully made for yourself, is broken
And you will have to rebuild your shelter with new materials
In that moment try not to decline what has already happened
Because if you aren't sure of the past how can you be sure about the future?

If you are in me
And I am in you
And we both care about the other
Does that make us self-centered?

Immeasurable, vast, multi-faceted
Bearing through it with no other options
All consuming, fire burning
Love rekindling; oh wait- I'm joking
If glimmers are still in sight
Be careful
Because the pain is yet to worsen

You cried
Was that it?
A couple of lousy tears streamed down your face
You would think I'd be sad
If only I believed it

When life sets in and the adrenaline wears off
And you realize that you just want to talk;
Fear, it is not
Happiness, it is not
What it is, is space
Or what most would call emptiness
Live. In this moment.
Embrace it. Don't lament it.
This sentiment. It's all yours
So don't you dare give up on unopened doors
Realize that you don't need a rock
Because you are the only person to whom you need to talk.

Throughout all of these events
I have one thought
I wonder if I could mess with you
As much as you messed with me
Unintentionally

Everybody's saying hello like it's some sort of trend
But this, this is real life
People are not trends and actions are not savvy
They both mean something- atleast they should
It may be childish to think so; this isn't the care bears
Sharing is not caring
Sharing is a planned action with an expected result
You say things have stayed the same
Have they really?
Actions don't come without words nor do words come without motive
If this is what it's all about
I will gladly say that I have failed

No one could possibly know more than you.
It was physically impossible-
Right?
...
...
Okay, so maybe you needed to find something else;
Some other place: to target your energy,
                                to seek comfort,
                                to find inspiration.
It's alright sweety because there's a move for every rhythm.
The goal is to find your own rhythm before doing anything else.

All we have are stolen kisses on rainy days
And quick goodbyes followed by regret
Fine lines between friendships and more are blurred
But you don't seem to care anymore
Fierce kisses make more seem possible
But easy farewells are what bring us back to reality
Sweet nothings won't bring me back to you
Just like common sense will tell you to stay away from me

Your truths set you free
Your truths show that you accept yourself
Your truths embody your soul

My lies make me seem free
My lies give the facade of self acceptance
My lies engulf my being

Your truths force me to lie
I accept the challenge
Gladly burning in the fire
To let you glimmer in the sunlight

Life seems to be consistent with the tresses cascading down from my head
Spiraling out of control with its increasing length
Rather try to tame it to see it's real strength
It may give you the illusion that you have control
But in reality it cannot be tamed
Say what you will but contrary to popular belief
I'm not as complicated as my curls

Sometimes scars need to be rubbed raw before they heal
         Sometimes cries need to be silenced before they are heard
                   Sometimes rights need to happen because there are too many wrongs
                             And sometimes you need to be good to yourself to remind yourself that you're not evil

Nobody knows.