Heart beating fast.
Sweaty  hands.
Short breaths.
She’s here again,
I can feel her creeping in.
She’s too strong
and I'm weak.

I can hear my thoughts;
they are so loud.
They are trying to fight her,
keep her out.

My hands are shaking.
My mind tells me to stay calm,
but here she comes around again
to wreck havoc all around.

I keep telling myself,
“You’re not going to let her in”,
but it’s no use,
She’s already inside me.

My mind seeks control,
but she holds all the power.
I’m just her vessel, it’s not my own body.

The aftermath of her visit still radiates through me.
She’s going away,
not very far,
but enough to make me feel sane;
feel at home
and in control.
I am me again,
until SHE returns.

the holiest of holies
and i dare not speak your name
i'm not worthy of your love
but i'll ruin you just the same
you're the child in a minefield
i'm a bomb that lies in wait
not considered providence
no, i wouldn't call it fate
as you place water upon
these parched and broken lips
i draw you in with an innocent smile
then bite your hands off at the wrist

love is not
a thing
that gives
choices,
it just arrives,
takes you
destroys you.

it has done
nothing but
make a fool
out of me.

knocking me over,
gripping my
cold wretched heart
without mercy.

making me
irrational,
fierce,
defensive,
determined.

unable to
break the spell,
paralyzed by
absolutely ludicrous
beliefs.

-

i deleted all
the music
off my phone
because
storage was
scarce.

but in the dark,
in the rain,
cruising,
comes
sad song playlist
all by itself,
unsummoned,
pushed from
the clouds
back into
my mind,

my chest,
where i feel a
sudden tightening,
a deep,
wrenching
pain.

so i sit
in the driveway
and let it finish,

let the sadness
roll right
into me,
and eyes closed,
tearless,
i dreamt of you.