there is something missing
hiding between words i don't know
how to say
i don't know how to write
this missing away

I feel like an aftermath
of a hurricane
That came thundering in from
the corner between your
Heart and my hand
And I don't remember
ever seeing the blood trickle
Down from between the spaces
of pale, pale fingers
Maybe the rain washed
it all away
And the wind tore my
Screams from my throat
Before you heard me

Or maybe you were
Just simply gone.

poetry has been eluding me
I'm hunting the words down with blood
stained palms; can't you hear me?
am I bleeding too quietly

my heart holds no names any longer
these are crevices I want to
paint all over again
I want it ***** under my fingernails I want
it greasing my hair I want art crawling up my
arms I want it in the dark in the quiet I want to
be consumed in colors I'm afraid to inhale
devour me, poetry
I am only the lungs
you are the air

i want to write myself a dynasty
of poetry, intricate and far away from words that come out so wrong and broken
do you understand a thing i say? i'm trying to
spin a tapestry out of my own pain
all this blood is still the same
same color same red
i wish my words weren't as empty as i am

she crushes my hand in hers
bones almost crunching as
the ice in my veins thaws
with my pulse

hers is faster, wild like
the way she does her eyes
black lines smudging into hard
edges every time she cries
but i like the soft of her fingers
as she falls asleep, our hands
a tangle of friends and who are
we kidding you are everything i didn't need
until that very first time you sang
for me and i almost punched your stupid
cheeks because because because

there are no reasons;
just you and my shaking
wrist turning over and your thumb
so gentle on skin i have
only ever dreamed of slashing apart

'there's your pulse, you see?'

and just like that i am
alive again

my skin is a casket and
my voice is hoarse from calling
myself back to the ocean shore
*please come home, my forgotten soul
how will a corpse breathe on its own?

stop breathing toxic
sunshine
into my lungs

there is too much
rain within
too much thunder
in my heartbeat
too much lightning
painting my charred bones
white and then,
black again in sick
repetitive monochrome misery
that leaves my rib cage shattered and my
heart
just a ****** mess
at my feet

red stains these
floorboards and the
grayscale in my eyes
seeps just enough color
to make me scream when
I can't sleep

can't you see
that flowers won't grow
where your fingers graze
my skin?

I am only a storm to
run from;
hide behind your clouds
of dreams and smiles
and -
*go away

i am in ashes for too long
oh god i can't even
remember the flame i thought i used to be

there was a fire
but now i'm just coughing
up smoke and cold from the
insides of my bones and i
wish i could just keep a little
warmth within
just enough to breathe a little
more

than whatever this is
crushing my lungs and draining
me so dry
i can't ******* breathe at night
when holding myself
chills me from head to toe and
i'd give anything for a little spark
in my fingers
just until the dawn
just so i can
watch myself set alight

every single ******* night

i never saw myself as a city until you
little hometown boy
with lazy quiet saturday morning eyes and i know my highway lips
are only spilling background noise white noise traffic noise
isn't it too loud where my heart is?
why are you still listening? you are fireplace chimney soft little lover and

i'm a hundred miles per hour too far past the exit sign and i can't ******* breathe when i'm going down this fast isn't it perfect because i never even want to aren't you lost yet i am sharp skyline piercing daydream weekend clouds apart there are no curves on the road i'm tearing up for myself no shotgun for you baby this is me falling apart on the side of the street under a storm cloud

loud little girl suddenly so small because the universe is infinite and i'm just a city of angry broken things can you hear the windows shattering i always tell you i'll burn down my apartment one day do you ever remember the **** i say slow motion urban apocalypse is what quivering mirrors show i'm a ******* movie scene when will the credits roll.

are you waiting too? is that why you want me to stay? you watched me throw my heart downtown little ******* gutter soul and i watched you run after it fish it out from my own rotten ribs and hand it back to me with that shy tangled up in mushy midnight memories when i kept you awake look on your face

you and your soft heartbeat hands for a horizon what do i even say i'm always trying to run away i wish i could slow down for you i wish i wish i wish i could be your little hometown girl with softer countryside eyes and freckles mapping all the secret quiet valleys we fall in love in you want to take me home, don't you? you're aching for a forever with me under soft silent sunlight there's no rush when we have true love right but there is there is THERE IS

i have to move or i'll disappear when i'm not angry i'm not alive i am neon you are candlelight i'm choking on glass shard misery earthquake heartbreak about to topple if you unbalance me IT'S SO LOUD IN MY HEAD all you hear is the laughter rippling out of me because trainwreck entertainment is all i know how to be

listen, boy. i love all the gentle nooks and crannies of your heart, how much you worry when i'm alone in the dark, but cities are only pretty when the light fades away, only irresistible from far away

stay where you are and maybe i'll stay

it's all a tint of grey these days
poetry tastes so bland when i'm not bleeding
in colour

this hole is insatiable
blacker every night
sleep flees through
the cracks in my windowpane

it cannot rain outside
when the thunder is from
within

just before the red
of dawn
bleeds and stains and screams
against the night;

my fingers will be
bleeding and staining and screaming
desperate words
that silence themselves
when my ink is dripping
too much red

magic is not crafted from crimson
yet crimson feeds
the howling wolf when the
moon is too blinding and
the sun too bright

crimson keeps the demons at bay
the wretched hole has had
its fill of daybreak misery;

i feel lightening clawing inside
and i bleed again
all the while it thirsts for more

you dream of me in
flowers and smiles
summer laughter and sea breeze
sighing in every word we whisper to
the sun sinking into the dark;
the world is so very
small

i dream of me even
smaller
a few feet underground
with nonsense etched into the stone
weighing me down;
will you leave me a little summer
pretty little flowers shivering
beneath the cold of the night and the
silence hanging in the air

don't you know
?
i never meant to leave you all alone

it's just a little drizzle on my shoulders now
my hands are empty of yours and
i've never felt so light before
there you are -
side of the road; last month's heartbreak still on your face
hands in pockets and words shoved even deeper
i bring up love
and you bring up how forever was never ours
to claim, except i wanted us more than
the air in my lungs
(i tried to trade one for the other and you
still didn't know what to say)
the poetry i write is stinking
of greyscale rain your hands are the cold
of another girl's and this will be the part where i
walk away

ask me about my safe place
and i'll tell you about mirrors
three and a half walls is what i remember
a little cracked because you leave the fear
with your shoes at the door, bow before you step in
eyes closed, breathing in
out
rivaling your reflection and rest assured,
you will be stronger than before
i want to write about uniforms pristine and fists clenched and how proud i was of every little step closer to the front line but the strength is in the moments i can count over my knuckles over and over again :
i. red moon scars bisecting the destiny lines i don't care about but look black belt! look how tight my fists are
ii. walking down the street us three brown brown black mothers suddenly in front of their little ones and HYAA! from every third passerby; downtown is so beautiful
iii. sensei's office: trying not to cry because it takes all i have to crawl to the dojo every monday and by the time i'm standing there hands flat by my side the three strips on my brown just aren't good enough, 'thank you for coming today'
iv. third time i have passed out in the past half hour but you're making me get up get up get up spinning hook kick i nearly pass out again because i DID IT
v. ichi nee san **** it's all japanese translating into 'i bully you because you are strong enough today' snap kick, in your face
vi. coming home comparing the bruises my mother is smiling shaking her head and her own is begging us to please just quit
vii. the living room is our own little battleground I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE NEWS GO BREAK YOUR BACKS IN YOUR OWN ROOMS
viii. i have muscles no you can't make me shut up
ix. the morning after: every limb creaking like abandoned warehouse floors but i'm relishing the burning with every turn of my head, stretch of my legs because it aches sweet like valour sweet like brave
x. just the stairs we used to choose the elevator over because yellow belts what do you want from us, just the dread of mondays and thursdays dissolving into bliss in meditation, just my legs dragging me back to war when the rest of me would very much rather be back in bed but it's been an entire week without punching bags and i miss the victory when you hit and the nobility when you miss miss miss and just the burning pride watching my baby brother punch so hard my little sister and her leg flying well above her ahead and just
knowing that i will never ever be afraid

i can't muffle this sadness
in pretty words anymore
it screams too loud and
tears apart
all these red-inked pages
with a vengeance of the forgotten
demons don't like to be
denied
and it's january again already
as if rubbing my hands warmer
will melt the icicles lining
my spine
inching up to my collarbone
every day a little colder
god
how am i still alive

there is no beauty in dying this way

you are the forever i
think about when the sky
is blue like oceans i don't
dream of drowning
in; when the sun is so bright
i can feel the light trickling
in my bones every time you teach
me how to laugh again
and again until i remember

how hollow i am


flowers won't grow in the dark
even when he promises he
will stay;


i don't think of forever anymore

my hands shake
too much;
my fingers are unsure
my words trip over
my tongue and die
before I can pry them
past my lips

my hands shake
too much
for poetry

my hands shake
too much
to hold myself
together

you apologise,
'I am bad with words'
but words are all
you are

you build me
home
out of parchment promises;
tangling tiny houses in
a line with your heartstrings;
whispers of 'forever' trailing
from chimney-topped letters,
the smoke fading between
the lines of notebook poetry
skies

I don't belong in your
pretty paper towns

I have never needed
a lighter in my pocket
to set myself alight;
flame is in my veins,
burning slowly through my
bloodstream until open wounds
drip liquid fire and
smoke is all I exhale

your heart might as well
be pumping kerosene -
flammable like
meteorites burning black
holes where clouds and
dreams hang white
against a night of ink
and my scribbled thoughts
scratched out a million times
over, and then once more
until only apologies twinkle in
the sky

you spit your own
wildfires, I forget
you burn villages on your own;
forests of words and thorns
and tangles, blank leaves of
paper fluttering slowly off branches
of kindling wood,
igniting as soon
as the winds against us
are too strong to fight;
off-white flowers
and syllable petals singeing
black;

we are only ashes
*at our feet

i. my mother plays with
   knives
   while i play with the lock
   on the bathroom door
   my hands have stopped
   shaking on
   the doorknob a long
   time ago

ii. some days
    i'd rather be splayed dead
    and ****** on the
    street than walk all
    the way back
    home

iii. she never lets me sleep
      as long as i need;
      can she tell that closing
      my eyes is all it takes to fade
      away from this place

iv. i want to be somewhere
     a million miles away

v. mama,
    please stop screaming
    i can't sleep

you're shouting;
i'm freezing

there is a chill caught between
my teeth and trailing up my
shivering arms oh
god you know i can't
breathe when you are spitting
your fire at my feet
and i thought you were the
gentle, the fireplace i wanted to
curl up next to every night until
the frost took me away for the
very last time
right there by your side
warmth i was so terrified of getting
used to because its all so *******
cold

out here where you've
left me to fade away into the
same nothingness, the
same cold i felt under every
shadow of the sun's, everywhere except
when you wrapped me tight
in your arms like
i was a little flower you couldn't bear an
entire winter without

it's always winter in here
the spring never touches my soul
oh god oh god it's so very
cold please
why won't you

let me come home
anymore?

you told me you cared about me

take these pretty words, please
beautiful in poetry, art stains on napkins
left behind on trains when the night ends, whispers
to ceilings in the dark but to me,

this is terror down my spine run run
run i don't want to hear the rest of it
how you'll be there when i can't
breathe PLEASE it's happening already
the fear in every joint screaming escape
when you open your arms wide
how i can tell you everything that keeps me
awake as if my mouth is a faucet
confessional already dripping all over me
as if just you can trust me can
save me
instead of breaking me
as if you've never known how easy
it is to feel safe in a lie

last january
was colder

instead of morning dew
you woke up with snowflakes in
your tear ducts and
the icicles trickling off your fingers
looked so pretty bleeding rain;

do you remember how your
bones shook like avalanche heartbeats
and how all those broken paintbrushes were
sharper than they looked
at five am with only fireplace
ashes for charcoal and old prose
to keep yourself warm

you have forgotten again -
ice is only cold when
it's crawling up your spine,
ice is only cold when
it's all you'll ever hold,
ice is only cold
when you do not want to breathe
the dawn again

the icicles did not hurt -
these frostbitten nerve endings make
breathing through the numbness almost
as natural as the selfish
sun and the reds and the yellows and the warmth
that will melt the terror in my lungs
into shaking palms
dripping red on tablecloth poetry

the sadness was locked away,
frozen behind my shivering ribcage
and I miss the way this ice felt in
my veins,
almost as if I'd never have to
feel again


how could I forget?
this rain is colder than any
winter I've ever known

there are icicles down
my throat that
crumble and fall
apart every time
my teeth shatter and
my fists clench

tell me how long
i will be coughing up
pieces of me;
i am breathing through
teeth that shiver
like graveyard bones
in winter storms and

i can't do this anymore

do you think of me
my name was all your fingers ever held
the thought of us spilling
out of dreams into things that will never be
you are distracted now
without me
you are a liar
if i asked you
who is it that your veins are singing for
who is it that gives you strength when weakness is seeping out of the cracks between our hands
who is it that knows your heart: the quiet little drumbeat when you are broken; the rush the rapids the waterfall when we closed our eyes and imagined a little closer
?

the truth is caught in your throat, i can hear you
choking on the things that you should say - that's okay
here is your heart back
do what you will
and i will be honest for the both of us

this is somewhere in between
and last night you told
me you couldn't
breathe

i am so lost in sin and things
i should not feel and i can't
breathe i can't breathe
i never ******* meant to
i never meant to steal the air from your lungs
this is a darker kind of thirsty and don't
you see? there is nothing left to inhale anymore

Let me hold you once
And then you can disappear if you must

Maybe you'll leave me broken-hearted,
Maybe you'll leave me numb

But I know that you'll leave me
Incomplete

every once in a while,
my soul sinks a little deeper
in these blue-black stains
of literate misery

i'm running out of ink.

~

as long as i have
this black canvas
and my broken paintbrush,

i'll never run out of ink.

i. if he is sunshine,
you will flinch when he gets too close
the winter in your bones has never felt
this warmth

ii. four am and your fears will not tear open
your sealed lips like ordered prose; you are
a poem best left bro
                                   ken
into half lines and fading metaphors of rain
on windowpanes and the fire in your
veins

iii. he will not understand a word
you say

iv. but when the rain in your lungs is
bleeding tear stains down his shirt
again,
you forget he is aching to kiss your apologies
away, aching to cage your shaking bones in the light
of his own, to whisper 'i love you' over your skin
again and again as if those words alone
will feed this emptiness inside;
he will never understand

v. sunshine holds you close
and you will wonder if he can hear
your phantom pulse -

*'darling, you're only in love with a
ghost'

the last time i saw your
face (laughing eyes and silent
goodbyes)
you didn't cry

now you say you don't write anymore
will you say all the words are
caught in your throat
somewhere between a secret
and the truth -
do they really even know
you? from your freckles to your fists
can they read all the words you don't
know how to say
the anger you kept in your hands
and your voice
the anger i kept in
my own since i let you
walk away?

last night
you held my hands so
tight,
i felt whatever was
left of me seeping
into the warmth of your
hands, as if
trapping my trembling
fingers between your own
would keep my soul with
you too

i will never understand
you hold onto a
ghost halfway gone
hold me close to
you until the
heart in your hands shatters
like you said you would -

i'm not even here anymore