you're shouting;
i'm freezing

there is a chill caught between
my teeth and trailing up my
shivering arms oh
god you know i can't
breathe when you are spitting
your fire at my feet
and i thought you were the
gentle, the fireplace i wanted to
curl up next to every night until
the frost took me away for the
very last time
right there by your side
warmth i was so terrified of getting
used to because its all so *******
cold

out here where you've
left me to fade away into the
same nothingness, the
same cold i felt under every
shadow of the sun's, everywhere except
when you wrapped me tight
in your arms like
i was a little flower you couldn't bear an
entire winter without

it's always winter in here
the spring never touches my soul
oh god oh god it's so very
cold please
why won't you

let me come home
anymore?

my skin is a casket and
my voice is hoarse from calling
myself back to the ocean shore
*please come home, my forgotten soul
how will a corpse breathe on its own?

your hands are always so cold
and I burn so bright I know I hurt to
touch but I just wanted you to know
that you don't ever have to shiver alone

here is a memory yet to be:

you;
heart spilling out of hands onto keyboard keys, tongue trapped in butterfly wings and ribcage cracks, head pounding, world stopping
( 'i couldn't get over you'
  'i miss you'
  'i'm still here' )

me;
knuckles red and empty chest, tired feet with no one to run to, swallow the loneliness go on there's no one watching, god these bleeding palms are scarring now, there is daytime sometimes but never when i need the light, i can't even ******* write

'what am i supposed to say?'

we were tangled up in
our shyness, the silence of a forever
so definite, so ours
stretching languidly before us
a promise between the quiet we shared
my fingers were trying
to piece the same old words
into poetry i love you i love you you you
when you said to me

i wouldn't trade you for the world
present tense and lightyears apart
now, she must be a ******* nebula
is her breath stardust all over your neck
her eyes galaxies your own cannot resist
? i was your flower
doyoueverremember,
my precious little love
is she your star?

she texted saying she just smoked
seven in a row and all I'm reading
is **** him for me where does he live
I'll leave his intestines trailing out his
window leave your love letters at the door
oh my god what am i holding back for

all she ever did
was speak of fading
                             away
                                  into mist
into silence; into things you'll never
hold
again

i am in ashes for too long
oh god i can't even
remember the flame i thought i used to be

there was a fire
but now i'm just coughing
up smoke and cold from the
insides of my bones and i
wish i could just keep a little
warmth within
just enough to breathe a little
more

than whatever this is
crushing my lungs and draining
me so dry
i can't ******* breathe at night
when holding myself
chills me from head to toe and
i'd give anything for a little spark
in my fingers
just until the dawn
just so i can
watch myself set alight

every single ******* night

do you think of me
my name was all your fingers ever held
the thought of us spilling
out of dreams into things that will never be
you are distracted now
without me
you are a liar
if i asked you
who is it that your veins are singing for
who is it that gives you strength when weakness is seeping out of the cracks between our hands
who is it that knows your heart: the quiet little drumbeat when you are broken; the rush the rapids the waterfall when we closed our eyes and imagined a little closer
?

the truth is caught in your throat, i can hear you
choking on the things that you should say - that's okay
here is your heart back
do what you will
and i will be honest for the both of us

this is somewhere in between
and last night you told
me you couldn't
breathe

i am so lost in sin and things
i should not feel and i can't
breathe i can't breathe
i never ******* meant to
i never meant to steal the air from your lungs
this is a darker kind of thirsty and don't
you see? there is nothing left to inhale anymore

i like the silence
when it's you
you hold your promises in your quiet fists,
i can't ever hear you break
when you hold me, your little
ink spill disaster until
morning quakes the heavens apart
daydreams softening your heartbeat
every night
you tell me you'll stay
only ever half awake

there is strength in all
the things you don't know how to say
i'm listening anyway

sometimes all i see is red
and you with your hands up in
surrender

what do you want?
do you want me to tear
you apart?
is that what you
want?

there are minutes, no hours
of the day when the blood
pumping in my veins is destroying
me by the second

i've already torn myself apart
until the rage gives in to surrender
on my knees
and fists still clenching
still itching to destroy you

for still standing there
with your hands in
the air

god, please
i just want to breathe
in the written and the unsaid
again

teach me
to speak in ink and lines
teach me to
string songs in the silence of the mind
and paint colors in strokes of black
i recognize

i miss tracing rain on paper with the tip of a fountain
pen
i miss painting red at 4 am
i miss hearing thunder at the turn
of a page
i miss screaming truth in margin space

and i miss how these demons are a little
beautiful
when caged between spiral spines
and pretty poetry

the last time i saw your
face (laughing eyes and silent
goodbyes)
you didn't cry

now you say you don't write anymore
will you say all the words are
caught in your throat
somewhere between a secret
and the truth -
do they really even know
you? from your freckles to your fists
can they read all the words you don't
know how to say
the anger you kept in your hands
and your voice
the anger i kept in
my own since i let you
walk away?

you never know where
you're going

if it's your hands on the steering
wheel,
then I'm the one driving you
home

but lately you've been holding me
too close
and you think you can whisper
your smiles in my ear until
I'm wearing my own

but, baby
get your hands off me
and keep your eyes on the road

because my fingers have been shaking
and the map's forgotten under the bed
home isn't the light because
you're not the tunnel
and if I could just stop the car and
pull over -

keep the car
I'll jump off the cliff myself.

ask me about my safe place
and i'll tell you about mirrors
three and a half walls is what i remember
a little cracked because you leave the fear
with your shoes at the door, bow before you step in
eyes closed, breathing in
out
rivaling your reflection and rest assured,
you will be stronger than before
i want to write about uniforms pristine and fists clenched and how proud i was of every little step closer to the front line but the strength is in the moments i can count over my knuckles over and over again :
i. red moon scars bisecting the destiny lines i don't care about but look black belt! look how tight my fists are
ii. walking down the street us three brown brown black mothers suddenly in front of their little ones and HYAA! from every third passerby; downtown is so beautiful
iii. sensei's office: trying not to cry because it takes all i have to crawl to the dojo every monday and by the time i'm standing there hands flat by my side the three strips on my brown just aren't good enough, 'thank you for coming today'
iv. third time i have passed out in the past half hour but you're making me get up get up get up spinning hook kick i nearly pass out again because i DID IT
v. ichi nee san **** it's all japanese translating into 'i bully you because you are strong enough today' snap kick, in your face
vi. coming home comparing the bruises my mother is smiling shaking her head and her own is begging us to please just quit
vii. the living room is our own little battleground I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE NEWS GO BREAK YOUR BACKS IN YOUR OWN ROOMS
viii. i have muscles no you can't make me shut up
ix. the morning after: every limb creaking like abandoned warehouse floors but i'm relishing the burning with every turn of my head, stretch of my legs because it aches sweet like valour sweet like brave
x. just the stairs we used to choose the elevator over because yellow belts what do you want from us, just the dread of mondays and thursdays dissolving into bliss in meditation, just my legs dragging me back to war when the rest of me would very much rather be back in bed but it's been an entire week without punching bags and i miss the victory when you hit and the nobility when you miss miss miss and just the burning pride watching my baby brother punch so hard my little sister and her leg flying well above her ahead and just
knowing that i will never ever be afraid

i want to write myself a dynasty
of poetry, intricate and far away from words that come out so wrong and broken
do you understand a thing i say? i'm trying to
spin a tapestry out of my own pain
all this blood is still the same
same color same red
i wish my words weren't as empty as i am

i've been thinking about how prose never comes easy am i the quiet kind of rain
with pauses
for sighing in -
                       between
you know i'm not the
quiet kind of anything
my matchstick fingers always find
the silence you try so
hard to hide inside
and then

and then we are flame
i can't find myself in the ashes anymore

i. searching for the sun in places too
  cold to touch
  maybe this is why it

ii. hurts like freshwater blood
   spilling out of hands that quake like ocean
   waves; this sea salt
   in my veins should be close enough

iii. he is lazy summer mornings; sweet
    grass and flowers too soft to
    pluck apart on such whims
    ‘will you stay
                    remember me
                    hold me under the sun

iv. when the winter freezes over
    all the warmth i did not deserve?’

v. no;
   my fingers are too cold for
   gardens and for you
   the sun will never shine underneath
   the rainstorms and oceans have always
   belonged to little lost things and
   hearts no one could ever hold

vi. home was a pretty word
    to keep in my empty mouth for so
    long; thank you
    for giving me somewhere
    i wanted to stay

they've all got silk for voices
measured pauses, pretty words
pain they know how to articulate and there is me
fading into the audience, happy to act
like i've never written a poem
all my life
as if i can listen to their art without
feeling my fingers quiver and resonate to the very words they say written
all over the hands i've hidden away

i like my fists in my pockets,
i like feeling safe
but they are up there naked in the most spiritual way
i can't look any of them in the eye
without hearing the poetry they wear
like a definition of the souls they've learnt
how to chain to the bones they claim to loathe so ******* much

i think of standing up there;
reading the things my fingers have whispered
over paper on nights i can't even remember,
and then i can't breathe
this poetry is my saviour please
words fade faster the louder you speak
my secrets are on paper i don't even keep
why should i trade in the only air i know
how to breathe for pity i'll never deserve?

my hands shake
too much;
my fingers are unsure
my words trip over
my tongue and die
before I can pry them
past my lips

my hands shake
too much
for poetry

my hands shake
too much
to hold myself
together

you are desperate to become
the stranger you used to be
except i know your
heart better than i know my own
i will paint you
the insides of your soul
tell me where
the strokes are not soft enough
tell me where the colors
are brighter than you are used to
tell me where you see
yourself
do you know who you are?

fingers clench around
nothing
at all

if only
there was breath to be
caught in my throat

please,
i'm begging these shadows painting tar
in my lungs
won't you let me
breathe?

stop breathing toxic
sunshine
into my lungs

there is too much
rain within
too much thunder
in my heartbeat
too much lightning
painting my charred bones
white and then,
black again in sick
repetitive monochrome misery
that leaves my rib cage shattered and my
heart
just a ****** mess
at my feet

red stains these
floorboards and the
grayscale in my eyes
seeps just enough color
to make me scream when
I can't sleep

can't you see
that flowers won't grow
where your fingers graze
my skin?

I am only a storm to
run from;
hide behind your clouds
of dreams and smiles
and -
*go away

it's all a tint of grey these days
poetry tastes so bland when i'm not bleeding
in colour

i. my mother plays with
   knives
   while i play with the lock
   on the bathroom door
   my hands have stopped
   shaking on
   the doorknob a long
   time ago

ii. some days
    i'd rather be splayed dead
    and ****** on the
    street than walk all
    the way back
    home

iii. she never lets me sleep
      as long as i need;
      can she tell that closing
      my eyes is all it takes to fade
      away from this place

iv. i want to be somewhere
     a million miles away

v. mama,
    please stop screaming
    i can't sleep

i. if he is sunshine,
you will flinch when he gets too close
the winter in your bones has never felt
this warmth

ii. four am and your fears will not tear open
your sealed lips like ordered prose; you are
a poem best left bro
                                   ken
into half lines and fading metaphors of rain
on windowpanes and the fire in your
veins

iii. he will not understand a word
you say

iv. but when the rain in your lungs is
bleeding tear stains down his shirt
again,
you forget he is aching to kiss your apologies
away, aching to cage your shaking bones in the light
of his own, to whisper 'i love you' over your skin
again and again as if those words alone
will feed this emptiness inside;
he will never understand

v. sunshine holds you close
and you will wonder if he can hear
your phantom pulse -

*'darling, you're only in love with a
ghost'

she crushes my hand in hers
bones almost crunching as
the ice in my veins thaws
with my pulse

hers is faster, wild like
the way she does her eyes
black lines smudging into hard
edges every time she cries
but i like the soft of her fingers
as she falls asleep, our hands
a tangle of friends and who are
we kidding you are everything i didn't need
until that very first time you sang
for me and i almost punched your stupid
cheeks because because because

there are no reasons;
just you and my shaking
wrist turning over and your thumb
so gentle on skin i have
only ever dreamed of slashing apart

'there's your pulse, you see?'

and just like that i am
alive again

My lungs are empty I am choking on air I can't breathe Oh God what will it take to fade away please my hands are so empty without hers to hold and they shook so much when I told her I'd never let her go it's all ******* red this sky was never blue it's just another red only she could name because compass palms and arrow scars on her wrists pointing to the North I could never find because the rain ruined the only map she left behind god why do you let her haunt me like this oh god I left her there at the side of the road because because because sixteen months ago I wrote her poetry at the same time I forgot how to breathe please God let me trade one for the other I don't want her no I just want air in my lungs her rain was too many winters long oh god when will summer come she is so February and I froze in her arms oh god I just wanted one of the stars in her eyes just one just one to keep me warm it's so dark in my head in this hole god these thoughts are not a red I want to see again please this color is painting your name over and over again all I wanted was -

*i thought i'd find you here

this hole is only
my own

i just want
to hold onto something
that doesn't crumble
at my touch

you say you've never been so scared before
never wanted to sink your teeth into things you couldn't keep
not like this
chain me to your heartbeat then
anchor this sadness to your bones
but i can't breathe the air in your lungs
you're tearing your veins apart, i know
i know, it's all for me; i feel it in
frantic fingertips and ghosts breathing over
my empty little hands on mornings you
wake up sunlight and me alone, mist shrouding
everything it aches to inhale; i hear the
terror in every word you say
stay hidden in curled little fists i've
never known to cradle in my own

i'm not coming home

last night
you held my hands so
tight,
i felt whatever was
left of me seeping
into the warmth of your
hands, as if
trapping my trembling
fingers between your own
would keep my soul with
you too

i will never understand
you hold onto a
ghost halfway gone
hold me close to
you until the
heart in your hands shatters
like you said you would -

i'm not even here anymore

you are the forever i
think about when the sky
is blue like oceans i don't
dream of drowning
in; when the sun is so bright
i can feel the light trickling
in my bones every time you teach
me how to laugh again
and again until i remember

how hollow i am


flowers won't grow in the dark
even when he promises he
will stay;


i don't think of forever anymore

you look at me
like i am sunset slipping
away
from your fingers like
silk and satin while
my fingers tremble
and quake and ache to be so far
away

you are still looking at me
my fingers curl into
fists crushing petals that
are never there
don't look at me i know
i left the flowers to rot
and wilt among dusty windows
and picture frames three nights ago
i know you wanted the roses
next to the bed or between us
somewhere to remind me of
things you only say when
your arms become shore and
i cannot breathe

they were such pretty little things
pinks and reds and dawn and dusk
did you know? i cradled your roses
to my chest until the scent of
flowers and you
and sweet and kindness and hope and
love became suffocation and memory
of everything you poured into
my thirsty hands that i did not
deserve
everything i watched rain down
my feet through the faultlines cracking
along my palms the way your
gentle fingers would whisper
against mine as you fell asleep with
your head cradling mine and forever
still on your lips

i look back at you
and my fingers are only my
own again and they were such
pretty little things but i am only

*nothing

there is the sad
where poetry is shoved under school
desks and i bleed quietly
onto grid paper between math
tests and lunch breaks
where i lock myself in school bathrooms
and pray that my empty
lungs will last another day
promise myself five hour naps and
isolation in every way
just so a little bit of the empty
drips away

then there is the sad where
sleep is just a ******* dream and
all i can do is try not to scream
as i scribble away nightmares
in the dark, words that will disgust
me when morning comes but
words that save me from
crawling at your feet and
begging you
please will you stay

and then
there is this sad
the quiet, little sad i can barely feel

i can barely *******
feel
anything at all