years ago,
when I was alone
my chest never felt heavy
and my heart never felt dread
my mind was always full of endless dreams
of the fairy tales I had read
pictures painted without the slightest of bad
but with every breath I breathe
from then till now
the pictures I had are slowly erased
as I shield them,
as I try to save them,
they disappear within my touch
I watch them with tear stained cheeks
and sore eyes from a life time’s worth of dreams
and reality struck
the stories of first love aren't true.

I can’t feel anymore
Not the warmth or the light
Not the cold or the dark

This feeling gnawing at my heart and soul
Is the feeling of being alone
The shadows have become my friends
And the darkness within controls

I’m losing myself in the emptiness
And I can’t come back

Some days I think I need nothing
more in life than a spoon.
With a spoon I can eat oatmeal,
or take the medicine doctors prescribe.
I can swat a fly sleeping on the sill
or pound the table to get attention.
I can point accusingly at God
or stab the empty air repeatedly.
Looking into the spoon's mirror,
I can study my small face in its shiny bowl,
or cover one eye to make half the world
disappear. With a spoon
I can dig a tunnel to freedom,
spoonful by spoonful of dirt,
or waste life catching moonlight
and flinging it into the blackest night.

Can I be a little star on your ceiling?

You know, one of those plastic stars

that glow at night.

They watch over you while you sleep.

And if you’re like me, then you’ve already come up with some childish

notion that

they will protect you.

I will do that for you if they won’t.

I’ll be there to smooth your hair, to

kiss up fallen eyelashes.

But first I will watch them closely,

making wishes.

I will drink up your skin. It’s my wine,

strong and dark; it sets me on fire.

I will shade you from darkness

and bury you in light.

I will hold your secrets, your bright

hopes and dark wishes.  

And I’m here, hoping.

I have hope for you.

I feel my heart in pieces
       Although I see its whole

I feel aged beyond my years
       Though the mirror says it’s not so

I’m lonely all the time now
       Though the crowds would disagree

And from memories inside my head
       There’s no hope of breaking free


I hate that a relationship
        To start, always takes two

And when it’s time to end it
        All it took was you

Now everywhere I look
        And in everyone I see

A little bit of you
        Is staring back at me


I’m trying to move on
        I’m trying to forget

But all the little things build up
         And so I stay upset

Tears will come, and tears will go
         I’ve never cried so much you know?

And even when I should be hating you
          All I care is you’re not hurting too


I feel like I was cut short this time
           I still have things to say

You handled this all wrong, my friend
          There were a hundred better ways

I may not know you all that well
           In return, you don’t know me

I’m sorry I couldn’t be that girl
          The one you wish I’d be


I was nervous, I was new
         And I was horribly afraid

I knew we wouldn’t last forever
         But I said ‘yes’ anyway

I wanted, so bad, to be there for you
        To fulfill your every need

But mistakes were made, I’m sad to say
        And from me you did recede


I didn’t know what I was doing
        This was foreign, you were strange

And to this day, when I look back
          I can’t see what made you change

There was a time you wanted me
         And indeed you were my first

‘He got what he wanted, after all’
         If that’s true, then this is all far worse


If you used me
         Good for you

I hope you’re proud
         Of what you do

If you settled
       Or were expecting more

I’m sorry,
         I’d never done this before


Was I just filling another’s place?
          Did you plan this from the start?

I’m not sure where I stood sometimes
           But what had I, if not your heart?

I’m not one for protocol
           Nor wrapped up in tradition

While you were pining for a prior love
           With you I did fall smitten


Then things got quite out of hand
           And I couldn’t reach you anymore

All the romance seemed to die
          And you left me feeling like a *****

As much as I want to see you smile
          And though I tried to keep you

It felt like you wanted no part of this
          I only want it, if you want it too


I cannot fathom what went wrong
           I asked and got nothing back

We grew apart, you and I
          Until in silence I was trapped

I wish I could undo what happened
         There are things I wish I’d said

Instead my words remain unspoken
         And inside my heart feels dead


I know I will love others
          That’s something I can’t withhold

Just know that you don’t surprise me
         You acted exactly as I foretold

I know you really meant well
         At least that’s what I hope

Although many here have warned me
          “It was nothing but mirrors and smoke”


Before, we were together
          And now we are apart

It’s sad how I can clearly see
          The finish from the start

I guessed that you would end us
          The same way we came to be

You waited far too long to say it
         So the asking came down to me


Back then you said so lightly
         That I was all you needed

And then you turned so easily
          And said it better if we end it

You hurt me more than ever
          For days I could not cease crying

And the first question in my mind was
          So which time were you lying?

Why do I want you,

Why can't I give up,

What is it that makes me do...

This stupid stuff,

I can't help myself from you,

Without you I just wouldnt know what to do,

Its not the fact of what I stand my ground for,

People have dreams but you are the dream,

Its the possibilities of never opening that door,

It's the nightmares that I have seen.

I just want you ever more.

I will be happy or I won't
I will succeed or I shan't
but I'll be ****** if I don't try
and if you dare to ask me why
I'll tell you time is on my side

And I have had just enough to know
that I'll have more to reach and grow
and in the end, it's all the same
for we all die early.

I will be happy or I won't
on that day I see the end
I will have a final answer
that my life will build and mend.

But for now I'm glad to know
Oh Lord, it is good to know
that time will always be on my side.

I will be happy or I won't
but I'll be ****** if I don't try.

I hate you* because you’re
The reason why I can’t sleep every night
And skip my meals

I hate you because you’re
Cool, everybody likes you,
You’re everyone’s fantasy and you’re
So **** good looking

I tried not to miss you, I tried to move on.
But in the end, you’re always
On my mind

That’s why
I hate you because
**I love you

the insanity
consuming me
confusing me
ultimately
losing me
who I am
I refuse to be
my careless
thoughts
bruising me
deluding me
using me
in the end
forgetting me
and it's ok
it is the way
it's supposed to be

To see the sun, just one last time
Dawn forever breaking
To reach the stars and make them mine
The world forever shaken
To start a fire inside the heart
The reach the end, to reach the start
To find a home, a place to be
To lose your sight, to really see
To keep a lie and find the truth
To hold it tight, but let it loose
To find true love, to hear winds chime
To see the sun, just one last time