in bloom and i cant beat this feeling.
good things in the air
green on the ground
in love in new ways than before
i hope you know

i hope you know

not trying to talk too much
but i think i said too much

waking me up in the middle of the night
so i dont forget that you're there
but i roll over to my side
and ignore you

no one knows you
and im better off alone

i sulk in corners
i take my time

it seems impossible to not write about myself
or the lover that wasted my life

pausing time became my pass time

Glad we could get that out in the open now. I'm....sorry if it seems like im uninterested but actually I... I think I might be in love with you. And,  I know thats a really big thing to say. But I mean it...Then again, I fall in love with the weeds that are growing through the sidewalk cracks, or that random cd at goodwill that you think might change your life if you just had a cd player to listen to it. God, I need to stop trying to so hard."

"I wish I could just know what you want"

tell me to get out of the way
                                                y
yy

and i will or

punch  me in the face
                                          e
                                       e   e  
and watch me stay

its takes 15 steps forward just to catch up with the others. i misplaced the words that came out of your mouth. i thought you said death, but you said debt. they aren't so different either way but i feel like an idiot. while i feel very lost at least i don't feel stagnant. feeling changes has to be a symptom of something.

i never shared my songs with you, but i tried so hard to stay above it. To not want it, like I wanted you. To heal and love again. But who is there to love again? I've been writing poems again. Hearing your voice in my head again. Thinking about what or if could've been. Not worth the pain again. But its been so long. And I've been out of luck and out of love again. So monotoned again. Hoping you'll come back home again.

Although I'm not sure where home is, again.

i'm putting this back in motion
back to drive
i felt the wind shield hit my skin
and recalled the night we had

the more you practice a certain pathway in your brain (i.e. thinking a positive thought instead of a negative one), the easier it gets to just do that action naturally, supposedly.

Supposedly.

texted you at 4am
sat on the kitchen counter and ate my pancakes
hoping to see the screen light up like your face
im so so far away

and this feels like 2017 again
and that was a good year but
will 2019 feel like 2021
and so on

if i only reset every once and a while
then i dont really need to be here for a while
cause i'll be back every other
and every odd will feel like the other

"these short sentences are so annoying" she said, "what you think you're a poet now because you put an odd space in the middle of a line or pressed enter a few times"

"well no" I said, "i think it is

more

than just that. I tried to write in complete sentences but in the third grade my teacher said that my writing was too straightforward. my writing was never used as the example to the rest of the class you know what i mean? So now i am just trying so desperately to be seen"

"well maybe instead you should take the time to actually articulate and rewrite drafts and make something of value to the academica" she snapped.

"WELL in that case I'll try to forget that my sister slammed a door in my face when I was eight and cut my finger so badly that it is now stuck on
space"

I stuttered.

"Unfortunately I was doomed to be here, and now you just look dumb"

years in one place
it takes time to mold
and shed the dead weight

writing behind this screen

no one could catch me
see where i was
know what i was thinking

i was hiding in plain sight
right under the covers

until i was caught
and seen through  

life was nice on the inside

but once again, the saint decides to sin

the existential dread i feel is enough for
(two)
lifetimes

and i wasted all my energy typing this out instead of the work i should be finishing

people talk to me and i listen but i might as well be dead
and then they walk away wondering what they just witnessed

im glad you waited
but more importantly im glad i took it

were manic on different weekdays
timezones
zones //zone

matching up at the perfect time

i try not to think too hard

spinning around in circles
is only worth it if you get better each time
and you stared me down in my backyard
and hoped to find out whether or not i survived

but that was never the point
and now it is never enough

curious if i cross your mind? we just started to get to know each other and i already feel like im trying too hard. you wanted me and then i felt it too. but now we haven't talked in a while and im afraid to write you first. maybe if we both ignore it, it never happened. if i brought it up, it never came up. if you say it first, it wasn't a waste of time. but only if you say it first.

i thought about running into you. not you, but YOU. if i saw your face, i would fall to the ground and close my eyes until you weren't there. nothing different to when we were together. does everything compare to you? did i lose everything that i wanted? with a few words, with one night. it was so so long ago. too long ago to remember it correctly. but i still remember you were sunlit. and now i cant let anyone close enough.

yes we just had a fight  
we stared at each other for hours at a time
but she said nothing

so i put her there
so i never have to write again
and instead ill bottle up these feelings
and become SO BRIGHT
that my laptop screen will look dim at night

i once again hit the space too soon
and messed up the beat
to my own walk and tried to hold my head high

you cant patent the sky
or the grave that you dig for me

but i get in gladly

"awesome! Glad you guys got it figured out"

"hahahaha no worries! I'll be home late tonight!!!!"

"This is great! Release a way"

"Wherever you want me to be? Can I come over?"

"Oh man."

"I hope I can see you when I come back!!"

"Take all the time."

read today that it matters what color flowers you put in your house
what finger you wear a ring on

and that a low mirror can make you feel like you lost your head

finished watching my show and it seems to end perfectly. not sure how movies and shows tell me everything i need to know but im glad they do. the rest is learned from experiences. do i really have something to tell to people? if you're making something you must. and with every piece that you make you give a little part of you away. but you also take a little piece of something else.

i cant stop thinking about it cause
it is it is it
and thats **** is ******* hot

surviving but in a different kind of way
thriving off the art, the ideas, the concepts
its really all i need to live,

but when i cant support myself in the ways the world wants
i feel less
less than average
less than special
less than anything
no money, no food, no sleep

but trying harder and giving my everything
and that should count for something

i have to remind myself to be honest. if nothing else, be honest. i know you love her, be honest. i know its hard to say no, be honest. only do what you like, be honest. it will forever not be alright, be honest. if its out of touch, be honest. if i want you back, be honest.

and if you're so honest. you better follow through

lifeless
on my phone
like i was just at home now
but im across the road
in a new state
and now a new life

holding on to what i can
im so unhappy
im

am i enough of that
why do they hate me
why cant words come out of my mouth correctly

im writing this but i don't really even want to hear what you say

thinking about the next
not you
not you
not you

thinking about the best
not you not you not you

dont want to hear about it anymore
not you.

no use in staying friends

MAYBE:

constantly bleeding outside the image because im too much MAYBE

LATER:

walking home in the dark always makes me trip

always saying one line too much and i wrote this with my yes closed

this makes me feel
you make me red with anger
for no reason
beside an annoyance
like a pest on my shoulder
but you didn't even say a word
i couldnt keep it closed
im not mad that I met you

but im mad that I met you

empty but not in the eyes
alone but not in the photo

tell me what you plan to grow to

they say that im the man but they dont even know you  

and i dont need to check the lens
when i loaded the film
check the keys and leave the purpose

molding around these lies and my speech is bad

more to talk about
till we laugh it out
i make you feel something
but i'm not going to stay

no, you don't understand where i've been running from

i get a call from you and you want something from me. i get a call from them and they just want me to come home. it is impossible to be in two places at once but i try anyway and end up nowhere at all. two unhealthy attachments and they seem impossible to break. and you're enabling bad behavior everywhere you look. white girl. white girl. white girl. they say you're the problem and you are but what do you do when you like it because you're conditioned to like it. a comparison is the worst compliment you can give me.

no ones doing great

but theres still room for

growth  

the timing is just about there

doing the most to make sure people know
how much you do
instead of just doing it

are you really doing that much?

twister in the soda
peach in the thighs
lying alone in my room
touch myself to success

all the hard work
and all the days to look forward to
all the time we put in

its all paying off better than we ever thought it could

and everything we went through
with greater lengths  
all the times we thought we wouldn't see it through

we made it and this is just the beginning

he said he was

watching svu

but

he never

replied.

i still have a long way to go but
you better respect how far I've come

and if you don't
there will be a bigger problem
than the earth's quake
and the shape of your face

because I've grown from flowers  
and turned yellow

tips on me like i was THAT sharp
and i thought i could catch you in your sleep
all in your dreams
my hands move too fast to the beat
i cant stay off your waistline
my favorite past times

all on me
where you should be

im sorry can we bleep that last line out or

thought you were interested in the work
is it my talent or me?
the agenda is immature

i thought we were there for each other
i knew we would grow apart
who am i kidding
it was a no win situation.

but im still going to win
and thrive
and dive deep into my ideas,
only to never stop trying.

i will carry on, regardless.

feel like im overflowing
but cant say a word
and i always kept it positive
didnt say a word

but you fell back
and put me off track
just like you ******* planned it
too much pain to understand it

my left hand felt it
and my right hand curled
turned around and saw the evidence
that i was never what you deserved

The blood drains from the top to the bottom on my face. There is no color. I felt light headed, but that was just the beginning of the summer. By the late months I couldn't see straight and at the end of the day magic tricks played tricks on me as the sun went down but refused to set. I saw stars. I saw **. Curious as to what took place I phoned a friend the next day. She said that I had been misinformed. She said that the blood on my sheets wasn't from the knife in my hand but was that of ----. She hung up or did I not listen? As far as I'm concerned it was never there.