two words are enough to make you put it in reserve
go back to my page cause you love it
and i saw you through the window
but you never came through you dont love it

because we were just wasting time
and i just wish i had the stamina to do things

but the only thing on my mind is you
and every week that you is someone new

please don't use this against me
ive never seen blood gush against me before

I WISH I COULD BE GOOD FOR YOU BUT IM NOT
AND I SIT BEHIND THIS SCREEN WAITING FOR YOU TO CATCH ME
BUT YOU WONT

I WANTED TO BE QUIET SO BAD BUT I ENDED UP BEING TOO LOUD
AND MAKING A MESS WITH THESE HANDS
PAINT ON ALL THE WALLS
DREW ON EVERY MOTION OF YOU

IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE THIS SERIOUS
IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE LIKE

went from the follower to the leader
the listener to the bleeder
i cant be mad that all my children are poppin

today i thought about literally doing anything and everything that comes to mind once i get my camera. i think its time to put some importance to my thoughts and stop worrying about if its the right thing to think. putting together puzzle pieces takes a few tries. a little time. some rotations. stepping away for a little. new point of views shouldn't scare you.

i want to mix you up into a knot
tie you around my waist
double it up

quick before you undo it all
the jacket falls to the floor

and i cant feel again

go ahead and figure your life
while i sit back
and tell you all the things that you want to say

now i know that it wont be long
and my fingers can't sit still
let me write your next favorite trend

and im a saint now
you would get it because this was crazy

wanna make something worth it
i will
wanna pray for my peoples
i will
i wanna get there wherever that is
i will

i will say it

remember to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

compare yourself

i left all my tears in my bed the other day, i hate when my face scrunches up and i told you i cant think out loud. i saw a cherub on the telephone pole outside my house and they told me i should take a second guess. life is exactly what you see. try not to think so reversely.

its already been an hour. I  have a paper to write and a life to figure out by 3. coffee on my teeth and progress on my mind. the life i made for myself is all mine. but it took some time to realize, that life is more fun when you look at what else is being done, the amazing people that live, and the breathe that hangs low and makes you keep moving. it means more when you realize the process is the progress and the work is simply acquired time. not everything happens perfectly but everything happens the way its supposed to.

and thats just something that takes time to understand.

but you will soon,

and i pray for the day you do.

we fell in love
racing toward the sky
left me on the earth
looked me in my mind
felt between the thighs
make me understand why

process is progress is product

not going through  it again
not gonna do it again
question the times you looked in my eyes

too far behind
left it on the left side
to the far side

the pretty music left me on the floor
and ill be curious forever more

i created a story in my head again. that we could be together again. i forgot what you go by now. its been a few years now. you'll understand again. and ill bite my cheek out.

big scene
no ring
pass time
to find the fast life

im breathing slow and moving fast
you talk a lot
so i'll have to pass

round up the lines and
im not feeling right
living a lie
just to find light

in a movie
just found out im the star
no one knew my name  
only that that i wasnt worth their time

the sun and the moon collided
and decided
that it was my time
and now all i can shout is

not you

i think about him
and i think about falling in love with him
a feeling of safety
a feeling of comfort

i think about her
and i think about the whole earth shattering without her
a feeling of movement
a feeling of change

"i heard she finally died"

"THANK GOD FINALLLLY"

i need higher stakes
and clear takes

thought that story was the one but its just practice
good for my soul but still not compared to you

the next phase is in june
hoping you all will just stay tuned

i can see through the window
but you can't see me
under the covers
and out of sight
ill hide in plain daylight
trying to not make a sound
but unsure of what i might overturn
keeping to myself
is the only thing I've learned

waiting for an email back
that maybe could change my life?
one step at a time
in line
down the only path
that could cross my mind

INT PURGATORY

A room full of well dressed NYU kids that are all A & Rs, models, artists, and film students chat in a the corner. Buzz cuts everywhere. The spotify pollen playlist plays on repeat.

A point and shoot rises and FLASH. You've made it to a scene where well dressed and well connected kids think they know everything in the world. They think their parents money gives them a vision. And the number of monthly listeners that the data brought in actually means something.

If you try to say something about that tho, you're blocked by the deciders of the culture. So you better work for free and give them all your ideas so their shallow lifestyles don't seem so wishy washy.

After all? You need the connections and exposure pays the bills now!

she writes in a haze and everything makes sense. if i was on ssri's i might take the risk over feeling like this. nevermind that was stupid to say because how can you know when you've experienced it. find a way to survive soon or this is gonna be a little bit messy.

trying to finish everything in one gulp
you look good in my side eye
but maybe its just your hand down my pants
my mind cant stop thinking about it

you got me wet and then gave up
and i thought thats what i was going to do

i closed my eyes at 8:30. Woke up again at 10. Told myself to work on things instead of just laying in bed. Laid there and went in and out of sleep. Checked the clock. 10:40. Go to bed. Work on something. Go to bed. Loose consciousness. Check again. 11:35.  Put on a show. Turn off the lights. Try not to think. Try not to think. Try not to think. Check again. It must be morning. 4:10. A show is still playing. Although the season finished and something else started playing. My eyes hurt.

this is what i mean when i see people doing me
but i already moved on and their out of my lives?
so you can stay behind while i see the finish line

i cant believe this
i love you
not who i thought
but who i am

to dance around in circles
im getting straight to the point
you care about the graze of a look
and the touch of the skin

but i never cared who you are
only what came between the if buts and whens

split in half
we thought you would be dead by now
when it actually happens
they scream FINALLY

and we sit in the shadows
next year we won't have to be where we are
we could graduate into the darkness forever
where no one could tell me anything

**** me and *******
i thought everything was cool
and now i gotta throw away
all the letters that you gave me
in my head
the whole a to z baby

the world is bigger
the world is brighter
there is more to accomplish
always more to do

more to love
more to change

i hope that, if you ever feel not ok
or lower than low
if you ever feel hate,
or are blessed with love

that you know that your apart of a family
that is here for you
whomever you may become

it takes me a few tries to write something good about myself. but im still trying.

it takes me all of a few minutes to write something demeaning everything about myself, fully thought out, complete. zero seconds to write my first letter, it is almost immediate.

it takes me a few tries to write something good about myself. but im still trying.

i am most upset with myself for not being honest
for saying the next time will be the time i come clean
now everything is so messy
i feel like its better to leave it as is  
and go back to being alone rather than try to tell you now,
i can't even envision what would happen after that

were all doing too much
and sleeping too little
the clocks running out
and im not sure what we'll become
but i can only hope for the best

keeping my eyes above sea level
was never what i wanted

falling asleep in the sky again
never looked bad on me  
but rather whoever was talking

i wish that it was my life instead of theirs.

what does it mean when i dont want to be here anymore and other people don't even have the choice?

if your too busy
then i assume you dont care

you're probably nicer to the people you talk **** about than you are to me

the text was sent, i lit up. another was sent. i turned over to my side and looked at the wall for an extended amount of time. instead of responding i created new ideas in my head. places i would rather spend time in. versions of people that didn't exist, that always understood me. there were some that made me happy, some that made me sad, so sad, i cried. these people weren't real? why did i feel more towards them. i fell back asleep and when i woke up i felt clear headed. i responded to that text. i knew what i wanted.

i keep to myself for reason i cannot explain
i do not feel comfortable
sharing,
explaining,
but i don't want to make you unhappy
that is the toughest part

say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name

please

when i read everything i write, it all seems so ridiculous. where are the real problems? have you ever been through anything ever or is loosing someone due to your own fault the biggest thing you've ever had to overcome?

this is literally about to be chaotic af but here we go

ALL ON ME/ ALL ON YOU

FEELING IT CAUSE IM

ALL ON YOU/ ALL ON ME

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT WHEN IM MANIC BUT OK WHEN IM NOT
SO THATS BETTER THAN MOST

this switch might be all that i needed and your all that i needed
not
but thats ok cause i think i might like you alot but not too much just enough just enough/ wish you would think about texting me back but i just let the facetime drop/ both airpods in were about to get i t an d  i l et it go but then i rea d  it and pu t it b ac k cau se i keep dis a ppear ing a nd reappe ari ng in fu nny pla ces

i know whats its like to not have the person you want notice what you want but baby im here right now so you better use your hands

and i guess thats why im sharing this with you now

give me what i want

i cried.

thought about the sidewalk leading up to your house
the lightning bugs we caught along the way
the stairs up to the door
the blanket that rested on the couch
the pans in the sink
the tv in the shaded room
the statues in the backyard
the tomatoes we used to pick
the basement i was scared of
the filled up washing machine
the upstairs rooms filled with treasures
the secret door that lead to no where

i miss that house
i miss you more
im sorry i wasn't there to say goodbye

i hit delete space
back to space next
hoping to figure out what im doing without making a mess


not sure how to make connections when left and right don't make things straight. my head is on backwards, placed left of the door, where you hung me out to dry. the ***** laundry you had in your backseat was more than just the jeans, button downs that took note of the fact. the rhythm i held my high with turned out to be off beat. we havent talked in days, months, years? it seems to only have been hours. the coach wears a stopwatch and tells me that if i want to be good enough i have to connect the dots. i dont really want to go to bed, but i dont want to stay awake when ive been thinking of all the ifs, ands, coulds. All the times I used my left hand when my kneecap begged to feel the concrete.

the last song that I listened to plays on default in my head. It fills the space between my last thought and my next. I told you I missed you but how could I when I can't even express how I feel about you. It is confusing. I count the hours when I'm with you but dream about spending time with you. It is being a shell of a person. I say shell because I am still strong on the outside. It is not simply a layer that you peel back. Not something you poke and ****. It is something you break with a baseball bat and it hurts.

because something will happen and ill realize that you're looking out for yourself

and i need to look out for myself
and im running out of time

so im looking out for my worst side and taking the names
instead of the hits


if you notice me take a step back