this ongoing solitude of mine
is how i silently whisper into the breeze that i miss you.

i tend to get upset when people misunderstand me,
and when they cant truly read me as a human being.
but then i remember i made myself this way.
i built these walls up around my soul brick by brick.
i pulled the veil over my heart to make everyone turn away.
i am my own worst enemy

i know im not the person you want.
i do know that i promise.
but late at night when youre holding me bare and exposed against your chest, i cant help but think i may be.
when youre laughing alongside me in the car and you turn to me, those dazzling hazel eyes shining as they meet mine, i cant help but think i may be.
when youre whispering secrets to me until the early hours of the morning, our scents combing and lingering in a haze around us, i cant help but think maybe.
i know im not the person you want, nor will i ever be.
but its nice to pretend sometimes.

i am nothing in my soul if not obsessive,
and i know intense love will always lead to mourning.
and now what am i supposed to do?

i don’t miss you, and please never contact me again
but if you did i’d answer because i miss the warmth in your voice and spending my nights with you.
but please don’t contact me, i never wanna see your face again.
seeing you again is the last thing i would ever want, but it was so warm outside and the stars were so visible in the darkness of the sky and i couldn’t sleep so i should’ve been on the way to your house.
i wish i could get over you, but i already am.
i wish you’d come back but please stay so far away from me.
i don’t love you anymore but i still think about you all the time.

i forgive you for what you did,
but i hope you dont forgive yourself.
i hope it follows you around like a shadow,
i hope it makes your stomach sink when you think of me,
i hope it echos in your ears,
i hope your next lover leaves when you tell them of your actions.
but you forgave yourself long before i ever even thought of forgiving you and they do not plague you the way they have plagued me, so maybe,
i dont forgive you.

step 1. cry into the abyss. scream until your lungs ache and your ribs bruise. beg, plead, pray, and whimper to a god that hasnt listened to your prayers since you were a child.
step 2. stare at the ceiling while you sit in agony, wonder if this feeling will ever go away. replay every happy memory in the back of your mind until you can almost feel their touch burning your skin
step 3. fall asleep in a heap on the bathroom floor, with tears staining your skin and chills covering your entire body. its to cold to sleep there, but you wont move.
step 4. repeat the last three steps every night until you are only a shell of your former self. a hollowed out piece of flesh and bone. shine a flashlight against your chest and watch as the hole in your heart glows
step 5. finally become human after months of rotting into your own prison. do your laundry, the smell reminds you of them. hold back the tears that sting against your eyelids.
step 6. hangout with your friends, force yourself to smile. laugh out a dry heaving laugh, look at your feet when your friends look at you funny
step 7. sit on your bathroom floor and relive the past, hold your knees to your chest as you do. it feels like a hug, but its not. its only your cold arms.
step 8. go outside, watch the sunrays dance around the trees. smile, a genuine smile. god its been forever, hasnt it. soak up those rays. tell your mom about your good day
step 9. put all their clothes into a box, purge your room of any memories you had of them. dye your hair, pierce your nose, reclaim the person you lost.
step 10. laugh again and move on.

i can feel time slowly drifting away.
these little moments that i watch through cracked pavement and try to grasp like weeds on the summer sidewalk.
these memories are supposed to be the highlight of my formative years, yet they filter through my fingertips and leave remnants of a life not lived in my palms.
was i supposed to follow this path?
is this what im supposed to be?

i heard someone with your laugh today.
it made me feel like you were still alive

Something smelled like you today.
The breeze carried your smile and your laugh straight to my sinuses and clogged them in unrequited love and whispered promises spoken in dimly lit rooms.
I had to strain against the weight of your soft kisses and tight hugs that made my knees start to give way.
The warm summer air seemed to taunt me in that moment, knowing the very scent of you could make me weak.
That it could wreck the cartilage that stood fortified in my knees and held me up so highly.
Something smelled like you today,
Or maybe it was just my senses playing a trick on me.
Either way, youre whispered in the breeze. A slowly forgotten memory.

its time for me to say goodbye
to spread my wings and fly far from this place.
ill graze the oceans
and whistle into canyons.
ill feel the flowers ruffle my feathers
and the breeze lift me higher than my wings can carry me.
its time for me to let go of this place,
ive been here long enough

i hope my absence brings you the peace my love couldn’t.

forever chasing after something uncatchable.
forever tripping over my own two feet.
pitiful.

i can’t forgive what you did
but i miss you so much it hurts

some days i let it curl into my side while i pet its head softly
other days i scream at it until my mouth tastes of blood
most days i watch it lurk around my room, picking up certain things and dropping them back down again
grief isn’t a friend, but it’s no stranger either.
it’s made it’s home in the pit of my stomach

i think a part of me will always linger by your side
waiting to hold onto your hand when we cross the street
i’m scared i’ll miss you forever

when i look at the trees i think of you,
how are you not reminded

I’ll be noble. Loyal. Valiant.
I’ll follow you around at your convenience.
I’ll keep my canines hidden.
I won’t snarl. I won’t bite. I won’t bark.
As long as you promise me that I can sleep on the foot of the bed rather than the floor.

i love like a cannibal,
allowing myself to swallow people whole
encompassing them in my being.
i let them sit in the curves of my ribs and and rest their head against my lungs.
maybe i love to hard

i’m good enough to be taken in heaping handfuls
to be displayed
to be ******.
but never will i be good enough to sing to
to hold
to be loved.

despite all this rage,
i am still the little girl crying over her scraped knee

i go home and weep for you
i rot away in your clothes desperatly trying to get your scent onto my skin
i rewatch our videos trying to engrave your voice into the ridges of my skull
i place my hands the same places yours resided, trying to remember the way your hands felt against my skin

everytime i look at you my heart breaks a little more

i hope that the last hug you gave me
can continue to keep me warm for all these cold winter months to come
i fear, if not
i will freeze

the best way i can describe your skin against mine is of flower petals
soft, gentle, comforting
the way your body incapsulates me is that of a rose
beautiful and taunting
you always wondered why i called you my wildflower
maybe this will help

ive never been one to feel
but when your arms wrapped around me i saw the whole universe in my eyes
i saw the stars collide
i saw the oceans currents fold into one another
i saw the planets orbit
i saw the world in its pure and most beautiful form
thank you

why wont you listen
why wont you care to hear that youre wrong
everything i say is locked away
blocked out of your memory
you wont even hear me
see me
feel me
nothing.

every twist within my dna seems to be overruled with the unwanted thought of failure
every breath that expands my lungs reminds me of the mush and metal stitched into them
every word, every phrase, every epithet reminds me that i am nothing
i will not say everything is okay
when it is not.

if you look up the definition of love,
a deep affection for someone or something is the result youll get.
but love is more then that,
its tears
its pain
its fighting
its screaming.
love isnt beautiful
love is a war.

youve held me in the darkest days
kissed the screams off my lips
held my shaking hands
glued the cuts on my skin

youre simply the best.
my heart and my soul
my love <3

breathe,
the world isnt out to get you.  
it will not swallow you into everlasting darkness if you take a break.
rest my love
remember to breathe

i have been eroded.    
slowly chipped away by the flood of others love.
years of words and tears stored in the layers of my skin.  
my erosion has exposed a side of me,
of sedimentary rock composited of dry heaving and silent cries.
my erosion isnt pretty, but people will admire it and study it
thinking it will reveal beauty.  
when in reality, it never will.

this is it my friends
the finale line of my book
as you flip through the pages, take in me
my soul
live for me
when i was to much of a coward to do it on my own.

my parents always told me of monsters under my bed
or the ones that waited in the dark of my closet

but maybe it was me who was the monster after all

the world may turn again
the breeze may whisper sweet nothings into my ears again
the flowers my bloom again
but the world will forever be dark without you holding my hand
i will never see
not without you guiding me

but life is full of goodbyes, and i guess this is mine

so long partner
till the next sunrise

what can i do
when one half of me is torn from my side
separated from my being
walking along the halls without me by their side

my messages shine back bright green
depicting that you have moved on
while i am sadly chained to the thought of you on my skin

i will drown myself in grief
heavy rocks weighting me down to the ocean floor
i will drown
in the knowledge that i am no longer what you want

im begging you
to pull me out of the fire
can you see me through the ashes and the smoke
come quickly
im burning up inside.

i stared into your eyes and declared my love for you
i felt my soul leap out of my throat
and my heart pound against my rib cage
i said i love you with all the air in my lungs
with all the marrow in my bones
i said it with all of me
and you said it back, with none of you

so now i stare at this navy blue prom dress,
hung up in my closet
and curse to myself
how could you be so stupid.

when will i ever be loved
be held into the early hours of the morning
be kissed with the passion of a thousand suns
be sung to with the sweetest melodies
when will i ever be loved.

i cracked a smile and told a joke
just to make you happy.
even though my heart was breaking
and my legs were weak.

i need to stop setting my frail body alight
to keep you warm within my reach.
when you cant even be bothered
to hand me a blanket at night.

i can tie a beautiful silk ribbon around your heart
mend our souls together with a diamond ring
kiss your lips with all the passion of roman warriors
bless you in the waters of athens
yet that still wont prove the undying love i have for you.

maybe ill watch every single sunset
maybe ill sit and enjoy every sound that rings within my ears
maybe ill inhale the smell of rain every time a drop hits the ground
maybe, just maybe
ill be okay

stopping to stare into the whispers of a breeze,
to stare into the eyes held within the stars,
to see the faces in the trees.

home,
is within the eye of the beholder.
and for me, everything reminds me of you.
so i guess you have become my home
and my second nature

i have grown flowers out of the marrow of my bones
i have harbored seeds from the blood that flows
i have created skies from the pain in my eyes
and i do it all for you,
my wildflower

you always called me angel
so maybe its my time to spread my wings and fly

oh my love,
i will bring you to the most beautiful of places and kiss you desperately so everything once beautiful will remind you of me.
i will adore you so tenderly itll feel as if youll never be loved again.
i will make you crawl back to me,
and the storm that is my heart