all of this anger,
this rage,
this irrational irritation that continues to boil over,
was once love.

it was gentle,
and kind.
it did not bite or maul.
it did not bare its teeth with the intention of pain.
instead, with the intention of tenderness.

all of this rage,
was once warmth.

it was intimate,
and tender.
it did not bubble beneath the surface with an endless blaze.
instead, it flickered in soft wisps.

all of this irritation,
was once affection.

it was constant,
and reliable.
it did not swing with the might and fury of a rouge soldier.
instead, it stood fortified within its bounds.

all of this rage, was once love.
a love i had for you.

i thought it was going to be you.
i promised myself it was going to be you.

now im promising to never speak to you again.

funny how the times change.

i got my blood drawn today
and all i wanted to do was call you.
i hate needles and you’d always talk me through it.

i did it by myself today,
i wonder if you’d be proud of me

i hope you find what i gave you
in someone else.

you’re not hard to love.
you make love feel like fresh pressed coffee atop the window sill.
like the first warm breeze of spring.
you are everything warm in the world encapsulated into one living being.
you are love, in every sense of the word.

you are worth the work.

your silence is agonizing.
i got so used to never hearing from you,
only for it to change in a second.

now you’re gone again.
leaving me right when you had roped me back in.

i wish you’d let me love you,
for old times sake.

would you feel sick if i called you?
would your stomach knot up, turning into twists and turns?

would you tell me to not do that again?
to leave you alone and let you call me when you’re available?

what would you do?
i miss your voice.

I bought the legos you promised you’d build with me years ago.
Laying in the dark of your room, we promised it would be our first big set.
Built together.

I will leave the last piece off, incase you ever wish to fulfill that promise.

you said you missed me,
that you still loved me and thought about me every day.

you said i was beautiful,
and that you missed the way my eyes lit up.

you said you’d get an apartment,
and have me over every night.

why’d you say these beautiful things,
if all these things
were just lies?

i’ve wished upon stars.
blew out dandelions.
picked four leaf clovers.

none of these methods have seemed to work

so i’ll pray.
i’ll plead.
i’ll cry and i’ll yell.
to a god that i haven’t believed in since i was 9 years old.

all for you to come home.

i hate this feeling.

the hole in my chest, pulsating and throbbing at the thought of you.
a broken promise, something reformed and remade every time we speak.

unrequited love. i know what this is.
i hate it more than i can physically describe.
i hate that you’ve done this to me again.

it’s been 7 days, since i last heard your voice.

a tribute to us, i suppose.

the 7th of August, the day we fell in love.

the 7th of December, the day you came back.

7 days ago, the day you left again.

i’m starting to think it was written in the stars for us to only have a fleeting number of weeks together.
before one of us was bound to leave.

7 days in, will i ever hear your voice again?

The stage lights have come on.
The act is about to start.
So my voice will ring throughout, playing my part.

The doting friend.
Nothing more, nothing less.
The past lover that has moved on,
wishing you all the best.

I’m an incredible actor, so I’ve been told.
My voice will not break, nor will I.
But back behind stage there’s tears in my eyes.

I do not want to move on,
although I am forced.
Your smile infects my mind,
and throws me off my course.

I’m a wonderful actor, and so the show will run.
But this is your doing,
leaving me out in the unbearable heat of the sun.

“is it better to speak or to die?”

i’ve pondered this question.
turned it over in my palms, took it apart and reassembled it.
every way i view it,
it is better to speak.

why live your life, if not to the fullest?
why hide within yourself and let what you want pass by?

speak.
and do not speak only when death makes it’s inevitable march towards you.

speak like it’s your last day,
every day.

deep within the ocean, only secrets lie.
the marine life will hear them,
whispers carried in the currant.

a lonely world, that must be.
to only live within secrets.
small promises whispered beneath moonlit sands,
hands clasped in the darkness.
kisses shared beneath stars.

secrets that travel beneath sea level.
infecting the waters with unfulfilled words and pleas.
a whole world of darkness,
deep in the depths.

where our secret still lies.

i have this feeling.
a rot, thats deep within my soul.
something that i cannot cut out, or heal away.

it grows around my organs and eats at my heart.
it feeds.
always feeding.

only your voice can stop the ache.
youll come back, wont you?
say you will, please.

if you asked me,
“why do you do the things you do?”

i’d tell you,
“it’s just the way i am.”

although, this is not true.
i am the way i am because my soul is intertwined with yours.
my movements are a mirror, my voice is a copy.
my heart screams your name,
and my lungs breathe your air.

i was molded in your shadow,
and i am content with that.

so, perhaps, im a liar.
to everyone but you.

i drank to much coffee today and now my stomach hurts.
while yes, this is a trivial matter that could have been avoided on my behalf,
i couldn’t get enough of the warmth.
of the sweetness and bitterness woven together.

maybe there was another reason for drinking 3 cups of coffee in one sitting.
maybe the warmth reminded me of your arms.
maybe the complexities in flavors reminded me of your lips.

or maybe, i just really wanted coffee.
who knows.
either way, my stomach hurts.

i got you a present this year,
one i’m sure you won’t receive.

it will sit beneath the tree, wrapped up pretty with your name scribbled in your favorite brand of pen,
waiting.
it will wait until you’re ready.
until you’re able.

maybe it’ll wait until we forget eachother, and it will slowly fade away.

maybe it won’t wait much time at all.

but for now, it sits underneath falling pines,
untouched.

and tonight i’ll ache.
for no particular reason or amount of time.
i’ll stare at the tree, clad in the soft yellow glow of christmas lights, and i’ll ache.
i’ll ache for a time i was filled with childish wishes.
for a time i would wake up earlier than dawn to open up colorfully wrapped boxes and bags.
i’ll ache for the christmas spirit of times past.
i’ll ache for me.
for a version so far gone, i can barely remember her face.

i need you to tell me that this wasnt for nothing.
that the sunflowers growing in my front yard grew from the sheer amount of love i poured into them,
rather than the fertilizer i packed into the dirt.
i need you to hold my face in your aching palms and tell me ive changed.
that my eyes shine like honey, and my skin glows in the moonlight.
that the promises i made many years ago have grown flowers in your heart and spread its seeds to the people around me.
i need you to tell me im good.
please tell me im good.

ive always told myself "i can do this on my own."
i can draw the blade and pierce it through the ones in my way.
i can watch their blood pool beneath my feet, and feel no remorse.

but my hands are stained crimson and there are tears in my eyes.
my hands search, not for a blade but, for you.

i do not want to stain your clothes with my past,
but i need you like the air i breathe.

i cannot fight alone.

the stars would be proud
to be a piece of someone like you

sometimes i think about the emptiness of my bed,
and imagine you laying there.
breath steady and even, your arm draped around me.
i imagine your shoes by the front door.  
thrown next to mine, probably in a hurry to sit down.
i imagine your glasses next to the kitchen sink
as we do dishes together and laugh about the water splashing up at us.
i imagine your clothes in my hamper, and mine in yours.
i imagine your books mixed into my book shelves, and your dvds laid next to mine.
i imagine a life that may never be,
a life with you still in it.
a beautiful life, filled with the softest of dreams.

this years curtain call is coming shortly,
and i still wish i could spend the winter months holding your hand.
you know how cold mine can get.
yours are always so warm.

i will not long for a heaven,
or some other mystical place where i will get my final rest.
i’ll wish for a place where i can stay loved.
a place i can stay loving you.

i’ll let you drain me of all that i am.
i’ll let you use my skin as an easel.
my blood as the paint.
i’ll let you cut me apart.
use my eyes as sight seers, my lungs as the fresh air your crave.
i’ll let you run me dry,
if that’s what you asked.
if that is not utter devotion,
i’m afraid i have no definition of the word.

ill sit in the living room and watch the clock tick.
ill sink further and further into the plush of the couch,
waiting.
all good things come with time
and you are one of those things.
ill watch the seconds, hours, days, weeks, months, even years
tick by.
my smile will never fade, my hands will never fidget, my eyes will never falter.
i will wait for you,
for as long as you need me to.
you are worth the time and the effort.

i’ve taken up journaling.
spilling my feelings between thin lines and smudged ink.
although, my words are not articulate enough.
i don’t describe my feelings in a way that is poetic or neat, it is only human.
who am i preforming for?
if only my soul is to read these pages,
why must i put on an act?
why must my words of melancholy, rage, and hopefulness be reworked.
a beautiful home, without a foundation.

in my vision i saw it clearly
our hearts became one
my hand in yours as we fell asleep
a glow emitting from where our bodies touch

i drove down this road today
a road that’s tainted with your smile
your laugh
your eyes.
i drove until my eyes were blurry
and my lungs were aching.
even the trees sing your name,
throwing it around on a winter breeze.
you’re everything.
you’re everywhere.

soft breathes and unspoken agreements.
a forbidden call to the stars,
a plea to bring back what once was.

i’ve loved him for two years.
two years of hopeless pining.  
two years of whispered confessions.  
two years of secret glances and unspoken bonds.
there are times i feel our hearts thump together.
i hear them call eachothers names,
but to no avail.
my heart continuously calls out to you

can you hear it?

this ongoing solitude of mine
is how i silently whisper into the breeze that i miss you.

i tend to get upset when people misunderstand me,
and when they cant truly read me as a human being.
but then i remember i made myself this way.
i built these walls up around my soul brick by brick.
i pulled the veil over my heart to make everyone turn away.
i am my own worst enemy

i am nothing in my soul if not obsessive,
and i know intense love will always lead to mourning.
and now what am i supposed to do?

i don’t miss you, and please never contact me again
but if you did i’d answer because i miss the warmth in your voice and spending my nights with you.
but please don’t contact me, i never wanna see your face again.
seeing you again is the last thing i would ever want, but it was so warm outside and the stars were so visible in the darkness of the sky and i couldn’t sleep so i should’ve been on the way to your house.
i wish i could get over you, but i already am.
i wish you’d come back but please stay so far away from me.
i don’t love you anymore but i still think about you all the time.

i forgive you for what you did,
but i hope you dont forgive yourself.
i hope it follows you around like a shadow,
i hope it makes your stomach sink when you think of me,
i hope it echos in your ears,
i hope your next lover leaves when you tell them of your actions.
but you forgave yourself long before i ever even thought of forgiving you and they do not plague you the way they have plagued me, so maybe,
i dont forgive you.

step 1. cry into the abyss. scream until your lungs ache and your ribs bruise. beg, plead, pray, and whimper to a god that hasnt listened to your prayers since you were a child.
step 2. stare at the ceiling while you sit in agony, wonder if this feeling will ever go away. replay every happy memory in the back of your mind until you can almost feel their touch burning your skin
step 3. fall asleep in a heap on the bathroom floor, with tears staining your skin and chills covering your entire body. its to cold to sleep there, but you wont move.
step 4. repeat the last three steps every night until you are only a shell of your former self. a hollowed out piece of flesh and bone. shine a flashlight against your chest and watch as the hole in your heart glows
step 5. finally become human after months of rotting into your own prison. do your laundry, the smell reminds you of them. hold back the tears that sting against your eyelids.
step 6. hangout with your friends, force yourself to smile. laugh out a dry heaving laugh, look at your feet when your friends look at you funny
step 7. sit on your bathroom floor and relive the past, hold your knees to your chest as you do. it feels like a hug, but its not. its only your cold arms.
step 8. go outside, watch the sunrays dance around the trees. smile, a genuine smile. god its been forever, hasnt it. soak up those rays. tell your mom about your good day
step 9. put all their clothes into a box, purge your room of any memories you had of them. dye your hair, pierce your nose, reclaim the person you lost.
step 10. laugh again and move on.

i can feel time slowly drifting away.
these little moments that i watch through cracked pavement and try to grasp like weeds on the summer sidewalk.
these memories are supposed to be the highlight of my formative years, yet they filter through my fingertips and leave remnants of a life not lived in my palms.
was i supposed to follow this path?
is this what im supposed to be?

i heard someone with your laugh today.
it made me feel like you were still alive

Something smelled like you today.
The breeze carried your smile and your laugh straight to my sinuses and clogged them in unrequited love and whispered promises spoken in dimly lit rooms.
I had to strain against the weight of your soft kisses and tight hugs that made my knees start to give way.
The warm summer air seemed to taunt me in that moment, knowing the very scent of you could make me weak.
That it could wreck the cartilage that stood fortified in my knees and held me up so highly.
Something smelled like you today,
Or maybe it was just my senses playing a trick on me.
Either way, youre whispered in the breeze. A slowly forgotten memory.

its time for me to say goodbye
to spread my wings and fly far from this place.
ill graze the oceans
and whistle into canyons.
ill feel the flowers ruffle my feathers
and the breeze lift me higher than my wings can carry me.
its time for me to let go of this place,
ive been here long enough

i hope my absence brings you the peace my love couldn’t.

forever chasing after something uncatchable.
forever tripping over my own two feet.
pitiful.

i can’t forgive what you did
but i miss you so much it hurts

some days i let it curl into my side while i pet its head softly
other days i scream at it until my mouth tastes of blood
most days i watch it lurk around my room, picking up certain things and dropping them back down again
grief isn’t a friend, but it’s no stranger either.
it’s made it’s home in the pit of my stomach

i think a part of me will always linger by your side
waiting to hold onto your hand when we cross the street
i’m scared i’ll miss you forever

when i look at the trees i think of you,
how are you not reminded

I’ll be noble. Loyal. Valiant.
I’ll follow you around at your convenience.
I’ll keep my canines hidden.
I won’t snarl. I won’t bite. I won’t bark.
As long as you promise me that I can sleep on the foot of the bed rather than the floor.