I look back on my life
I reflect on my past.
I saw how I just stood still
Never quite followed any clear path.
How could people respect me
If I didn't make any positive moves?
I live in self-hate
With a bad attitude.
I lost my woman, my children
My home, my family.
My life is a dark cloud I live in misery.
I even tried to **** myself
Just the other day.
But God wouldn't let it happen
He kept me anyway.
I called my pastor
He was busy at the time.
I was having a mental meltdown
I was losing my mind.
I took a handful of pills
That only made me sick.
I can't even end my own life
Ain't that a b*tch.
If I ever succeed with suicide
Don't give Leesah the blame.
I'm just tired of this life
I'm not mentally sane.
The only thing that matters
Is my children that I love so.
They are gone from me
My life has no meaning, I think it's my time to go.
My family has turned their backs on me
I ran them all away.
I have mental issues I'm ignoring
Getting more ill everyday.
I hear voices in my head
They talk to me all the time
They torment me
These voices mess with my mind.
My inner voices are my only friends
I know that sounds quite odd.
The only thing I have to hold onto
Are these voices & God.
Nothing else is there for me
No one else is there.
I live a life of pure loneliness
I think no one else cares.
My-Ex says I'm unstable
She says I'm mentally unwell.
She tried to help me, I refused
Now I live in my own personal Hell.
I saw the pain in her eyes
She looks at me with pure disgust.
I allowed my mental illness
To betray her trust.
I can't believe how my life
Has turned for the worst.
I feel like my life is a joke
I feel like I'm cursed.
The mistakes I made in life
Were caused by my own hands.
I went through living my life
Without any clear cut plans.
I've tried talking to God
To him I constantly pray.
It seems as he's forsaken me
Because he doesn't hear me anyway.
I know that's my illness talking
Those voices wanting my faith to waiver.
I'll never let that happen
Because one day I know
I'll receive God's favor.
My mind is everywhere
Mental illness has a hold on my life.
My-Ex tried to warn me.
Why didn't I listen to my wife?
I thought losing my family
Caused my downward spiral.
But truth be told
It was happening for a while.
My mental illness has ruined me
It's left me mentally & physically depleted.
I messed up my life
Because my illness went untreated.
Is it too late to get help?
Why? My family's gone.
I lost my wife, my children
Do I want to go on?
If I never write again
If this poem is my last write.
I know I was the blame
I finally saw the light.
My pride didn't allow me to admit
I'm mentally unstable, mentally unwell.
Because I didn't listen to Leesah
I live in my own lonely private hell.

She tried
I tried
Just couldn't get it together.
Now we just are too **** tired
We're apart forever.
I wanted to change her
She tried to change me.
Got to the point we hated to be around each other
We were so unhappy.
She wanted me to be nicer
That's what she always said.
I wanted her to be more like
Kapri Styles in bed.
She wanted me to share more
Wanted me to be more open.
She wanted me to stop being so moody
& begged me to stop smoking.
I wanted her undivided attention
I wanted her with me all the time.
I wanted total control of
Her heart, Her soul, Her mind.
We got none of those things
We weren't willing to compromise.
Now that we're apart
I now realize.
That marriage is about
A lot of Give & Take
If you aren't willing to do so
It'll cause you nothing but
HEATACHE.

"Baby Daddy" is an ugly title
It sounds so stupid to me.
"Father" sounds much better
It represents family.
A "Baby Daddy" plants his seed
Then runs around & roam.
A "Father" isn't as selfish
His kid's needs eclipses his own.
A "Baby Daddy" likes to have fun
Not thinking of his girl or boy.
A "Father" loves his children
Their happiness brings him joy.
A "Baby Daddy" can get mad
If the mother doesn't want him anymore.
A "Father" doesn't care about all that
Because it's only about his children, they're the ones he adores.
A "Baby Daddy" could care less
If he doesn't hear from his children.
A "Father" wants everyday contact
To keep their relationship building.
A "Baby Daddy" forgets his children
The second they're out of his sight.
A "Father" thinks of his children
Throughout the day & each & every night.
A "Baby Daddy" forgets birthdays
Misses important events in his kid's life.
A "Father" never forget anything
Never have to tell him twice.
A "Baby Daddy" makes his children feel alienated
As if they weren't there.
A "Father" tells his children he loves them
His children knows he cares.
A "Baby Daddy" doesn't care if he hears from his children
A call every now & then from them will suffice.
A "Father" wants to be involved
In every aspect of his children's life.
I see being a "Father"
Is what I'd rather be.
Being a "Baby Daddy"
Just wouldn't work for me.
My children are my greatest blessing
They are the apples of my eye.
Before becoming a "Baby Daddy"
I would rather die.
*I Love My Children

I sit here feeling bad for my sisters
I should've had their back.
I sat there idly
While my sisters were under attack.
I watched them having babies
Without the fathers offering support.
I vowed to protect my sisters
But man I came up short.
I watched my sisters get ***** Mentally & physically.
I am not acting like the man
My father raised me to be.
Without my sisters the black man
Would've been extinct a long time ago.
But instead of embracing our Black Women
We call them bytches, ***** or hoes.
We use them for ****** favors
We show them no respect.
Black Women are God's gift to us
How soon we forget.
From this moment on I pledge to
To give them the respect that they're due.
Black Women for the rest of my days
I will ALWAYS CHERISH & ADORE YOU!

I'm looking in the mirror
What do I see?
A man who's a shell of himself
Staring back at me.
A man who used to have it all
A man who used to have it together
Now this man looks
So worn out & weathered.
A man who allowed the stress
To take it's toll.
This man's eyes look empty
He's a tortured soul.
He looks so lost
He he has no hope at all.
He looks like he's mentally shattered
Because of his downfall.
He's lost so much weight
Too much smoking made his teeth yellow.
His clothes barely fit
He used to be a handsome fellow.
This man looks likes something is missing
He's almost at the point of no return.
His heart is on fire
With 3rd degree burns.
The person staring back at me
Looks like he's lost all hope.
He looks suicidal
He's at the end of his rope.
I wish I could tell him he'll get the happiness
He wants to achieve.
He has to give it to God
Then he has to believe.
This man looks like a mess
Such a sorry sight to see.
I'm starting to hate
The man staring back at me.

"Later" is word
I wish I never knew.
You couldn't imagine
What that word has put me through.
I put things off
"Later" caused me to procrastinate.
"Later" made me lazy
It made me hesitate.
"Later" ended my marriage
It destroyed my life.
"Later" has taken a toll on my family
"Later" caused a change in my wife.
She used to have faith in me
Because my word was bond.
"Later" became a part of my vocabulary
Now she is gone.
"Later" became a part of my speech
People started to hate to hear me say it.
They knew when I said "Later"
Whatever I had to do, I would somehow delay it.
I would take my time
& put things on hold.
I didn't think it was a problem
Because "Later" is what they were told.
My wife wanted to talk
"Later" was my reply.
"Later" never came
& I don't know why.
I really wanted to listen
But I just didn't try
She got tired of waiting for "Later"
So she told me Bye-Bye.
"Later" was convient
It seemed to be the right thing to say.
It seemed like an escape from things
I didn't want to do anyway.
"Later" will never be used again by me
I've learned my lesson well.
That word "Later"
Has made my life a living hell.
If by chance I have to use it
I'll be sure to follow through.
NEVER let that word "Later"
Consume or destroy you too.

Social media
What an interesting term.
I thought the "media" was to inform
Man do we have a lot to learn.
People get on Facebook
To escape & have fun.
Then have to deal with reality
When they are done.
Some people have 10,000 friends
That really blows my mind.
I don't think I've ever met that many people
In my entire lifetime.
Facebook means nothing to me
I really & truly do not care.
For some people
It's become their lives
To sit at a computer for hours & stare.
Looking for the new status
Of all of those 10,000 "friends"
Acting like we really give a shyt
Social media is all pretend.
People pretend that they have it together
But believe me they are lost.
They are just as messed up as everyone else
When they finally log off.
No Twitter, No Instagram
No MySpace for me.
Don't want deal with fantasy
I'd rather deal with reality.
I can't see myself getting
Giddy & all excited
Because someone I don't know
Has a new group & I'm invited.
Good-Bye to Facebook
& social media too.
I can't say that I'll miss it
But I am glad that I'm through.