I've never said those words out loud.
I've never felt those words, not truly.
But once they were spoken, they couldn't come back.
And those words were true when they left my mouth.

I knew you didn't feel the same way.
I knew that saying those words wouldn't change anything.
We both knew from the beginning
this wasn't a good idea.

If I hadn't spoken those words
Would I feel any better when I watched you leave?
Replaying over and over how I feel
I don't regret anything.

It never rained when we were together.
I realized this morning, when I woke up to the sound
Of soft raindrops splashing against my window.

I don't recall a time
When I would wake up to that gray, gloomy sky
While I was lying with you.

A day filled with sunshine
Has always been my favorite.
Warmth, light, and life fills the air.

But I realized that sunshine can be deceptive.
Hiding the burns, the exhaustion, and the pain
That screams for a change.

I lay back down and listen to the rain
The rhythmic water providing a fresh start
And I've never heard a more beautiful sound.

one day it will happen


we'll share our last conversation
we'll laugh together one more time
we'll sit in a comfortable silence
we'll look to each other and smile

we'll get in one last fight
we'll say things we wish we never did
we'll storm away to be alone
we'll wait for the other to be the first to apologize

we'll cry to each other for the final time
we'll try to provide the support that we need
we'll hurt at the thought of each other in pain
we'll wish we could take it away

we'll look into each others eyes for the last time
we'll remember everything we've been through
we'll feel like it wasn't enough time
we'll hold on to each other forever


one day it will be the last

i can't describe how i feel
i'm not good at being vulnerable
i'm not good at being real

i think of myself as an act
saying only what's necessary
and knowing when to retract

i can't let my guard down
so you'll only see my character
and heavy is the head that wears the crown

but i need to protect me
i'm the only one who will
in this life, there is no "we"

so feel free to come watch my performance
just don't say i didn't warn you
when the curtain inevitably closes

i hope that you’re happy
i hope you laugh everyday
i know this sounds sappy
since we’ve gone our separate ways

but i want you to smile
even brighter than before
i know it’s been a while
since i walked out that door

i hope you realize now
that it wasn’t meant to be
i hope you know how
it wasn’t easy for me

the truth is i miss you
i honestly really do
i’ll always love you too
but we both needed something new.

you turned your poison
and treacherous thoughts
into a part of me
that i can’t get rid of.

it’s unfair, really.  
to expect someone to read a book
without being able to open it.
to understand the characters and the plot
without reading a single word.

all this time
i thought i was helping
by keeping that book closed
and holding it out of anyone’s reach.

but i didn’t help.  
now my story doesn’t have an end.

it’s the kind of smile
that hurts.
you know the one,
the painful yet
unavoidable one.

that inevitable feeling.
just smile through the pain.

i was stupid
to be so naïve
and think
that i was different.
because you don’t
care.

we all hurt the same to you.

that fire
it burns deep down
lighting up your desire
all over town.

you gave me a flower
i remember the one you chose,
it made me feel power,
that beautiful rose.

the apple of my eye.
at least that’s what i thought
before you said goodbye,
but i remember the warmth you brought.

it makes me feel sick
that cherry flavor taste,
though it is not the chapstick;
it’s because my love went to waste.

now i see the blood drip
from my heart and into your hand.
it matches that color on your lip.
i have no feet left to stand.

i’m still trying to figure out how
i ate the lies you once fed.
you can take back your rose now.
i hate the color red.

it hurts
more than usual
when the one
who’s supposed to love you
unconditionally
tells you
their conditions

she's outgoing and loud
yet completely reserved
she draws people in
but won’t go near them
she’s intelligent and witty
yet stupid and frustrating
she is authentic and real
but incredibly insecure
she’s honest and tough
but she is also really sensitive.

she is everything she loves
but she’s also everything she hates.

it’s funny
in a twisted way
when you finally realize
that you’re not fine
and that you have been lying.

lying to your friends
putting on a smile
pushing down that feeling
hoping that by ignoring it
it might actually leave.

lying to your family
the people who can see
something is wrong.
but no one can help
if you don’t help yourself.  

worst of all
lying to yourself
thinking that you could trick yourself
into believing those words.
but you can’t.

your smile
reminds me of seashell.

it’s pretty
beautiful, actually.
you may think
it looks like every other seashell  
but it doesn’t.
your seashell is special.

i want to keep it
all to myself.
but i know it’s selfish to
find a beautiful seashell
and take it, keeping it
locked up on a shelf.

it makes me feel
like i’m home.
that seashell reminds
me of all the times
i’ve spent in the place
i love the most.

but when you look
inside
it’s completely hollow.
there’s nothing behind
that seashell.
it’s sad just how empty it is.

im thinking of you
that’s nothing new
i hope you smile
i haven’t seen it in a while

i hope you are having fun
without you i have none
i hope you sleep well
because you make my heart swell

i know i was dumb to fall
but most of all
i hope you’re okay
now and everyday.

pride.

it’s important.
at least i tell myself that.

i’ve always had
too much of it though.
and that’s why i
pushed you
and everyone else
away.

I can’t believe
how stupid I’ve been.
Everyone told me
to stay clear and
that the only one
you cared about
was yourself.

I said I knew
they were all wrong,
it’s different with me.
But I was wrong.
They were all right.
You didn’t
and you don’t
care about anything
but yourself.

i knew right after it happened.
i felt my heart swell and grow inside my chest.
my cheeks burned hot
and my mind went blank.
there was no mistaking this feeling.

i hadn’t felt it in a while
i kind of hoped i never would again.
but you changed that with one look.
my hands got clammy
and my stomach did backflips.

and once it starts
there is no stopping it.
not until it ran its course.
i wonder if you realize
just how sick you made me.

i have been searching
for days and days now
i have been looking for
something i cannot find.
i've read hundreds of poems
listened to hours of songs
watched countless movies
all hoping that i could find it.

it’s pointless, really.
because none of them
have what i’m looking for.
not even my own words can
describe what my heart feels
at this moment.
the only thing that can
is your smile.

its been 24 hours
thinking of you
nonstop.
i know i should try not to
because i’m going to
end up hurt.
but i just can’t
so we’ll go 24 more.