I used to be under the illusion,
That love was more than matter,
Strewn across time and space,
A pattern in the scatter.
Strawberry fields endeavor,
To tell us to believe.
That the illusion can survive,
If we learn how to grieve.

In the sadness and the woe,
That comes when we let go,
There's a truth that fails to show,
A truth that we should know.

Love is just a lie,
That we use to get on by,
A label for sensations,
That give us reason just to try.
There are those of us who'd say,
They can't take love away,
But nothing is forever,
In the shadow of decay

Perhaps it did exist,
Somewhere between lips,
But I dare not say it's this,
In the space between your hips.

Wandering mind, wandering heart,
A wandering star secretly falling apart.
My light shines brightly in the dark abyss
Looking for a destination, less hit more miss.

That’s a commonality.
People look at me but don’t really see.
They don’t know who I really am.
Outside, they see a fierce lion, inside merely a lamb.

Big smile on my face,
But inside a simple disgrace.
I joke and I tease
Putting on a front just to please.

I have no idea where I am going,
But I am afraid of anyone knowing.
Knowing the pain I keep inside.
Knowing the fear I try to hide.

The fear of being alone
Of being a cat lady fully grown.
Of no one to share life with
And love being merely a myth.

Every night I wonder if he’s out there,
That kind, silly boy with soft hair.
Someone to look at me and smile
Who holds my hand and asks me to stay awhile.

But where is this boy that I seek?
Will he be here today, tomorrow, next week?
Because every night he appears in my dreams
And he wants to meet me too or so it seems.

I am afraid to rely on boys for happiness,
But I still long for that one true kiss.
God will bring him to me so He swears.
That kind, sweet boy whom I will refuse to share.

I realized, in Christian thought
If I prayed as much as I wrote
As much as I swore

If I read the Bible
As much as I make innuendos
Fake inappropriate with friends

If I spoke to God
As much as I speak to friends
As much as I spend time on the internet
As much as I listened to music
As much as I filled up every moment with noise...

I'd be a saint.

But I'm not.
I don't pursue.
I don't wake up saying,
"Lord Jesus, help me help others.
Help me be a better man."

Sure there are weeks
Then there are weaks

I'm left clutching a beer
Glass of ***
*****
Shots of Tequila

Wishing I was a better man.
Hoping I can be a better man.
Yet, when push comes to shove,
I do nothing.

I love You Father.

Vultures, piranhas.
Every thought, every word, every action.
Attack, attack, attack.
Biting, clawing.
Pain, blood, half dead.
Misunderstood, misunderstanding, mistaken, misheard, misread.
Mistake.
Loathing, hatred.
Every thought, every word, every action.
You. Me. Unknown.
I am sorry.

These ideas of Limits and Ties,
Infect the brain.
Their murky ink spreads and soils the neurons,
all while polluting the soul.

We imagine such boundaries will fade,
And say words like,
"When I'm older, wiser."
"When I'm more educated, cultured."
"When I'm free to do as I please."

That is when,
These ideas of Limits and Ties,
Have finally swallowed you whole.