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Rebekah Wilson Apr 2014
I'm afraid to "grow up" because that means I will have reached the end of my potential; it will mean that no matter what I'm doing, I will be doing it to "make a living" and then live that life that I'm supposed to want to live--except that I don't.
I'm supposed to spend eight hours, every day, doing a series of mundane tasks that I secretly wish I didn't have to do--that I secretly wish would somehow **** me--all for a paycheck that allows me to keep a roof over my miserable head and keep poison in my fat body to just keep on breathing so I can continue this cycle of attending this mundane job to pay for this living that feels so lifeless.
And for what? So I can go out a few hours a week and spend my extra time with other human beings--my extra time that I wish I could just spend without--and pretend, for their sakes, that I desire to be with them; that I desire to spend this time here, on this earth, performing for them and the world and everyone else?
So, really, the meaning of life--the reason to go on living--is so that those who spend their own few, precious, extra hours with me can go on, knowing I'll be there, wearing my mask, so they can feel as if they're making a living out of this life.

...But if I don't "grow up," I can possibly continue to fool myself into believing that life will, some day, be worth living.
2020: okay, Peter Pan. My job is amazing and my life is so friggin worth it.
Rebekah Wilson Dec 2013
She swore all was fine;
Thought she was alright.
Sure, some days were dark--
At times, there was light!
The light came and went,
like a Christmas tree.
Fooled by the flashes,
She dreamed she was free.

And, so, one by one,
each light faded out.
Soon there was nothing;
Abandoned with doubt.
Desperate and alone,
In search for light missed,
All she could find were
more scars on her wrist.
2020: welp. I don’t have any scars left. I have all the Christmas lights. All of them. And if you have any I’m coming for them.
Rebekah Wilson Nov 2013
Being wrapped in blankets is a seemingly wonderful thing. You get all wrapped up, things are feeling grand, but one wrong movement and BAM: a swab of fabric unexpectedly covers your face. You squirm and try anything to get it off; to unwrap yourself, but, alas, you cannot--you're stuck.
Breathing becomes more and more difficult until you are completely suffocating. Suddenly, everyone walks away, aloof to what is happening; but wait--here's the catch: there are no blankets and there are people all around.

"What's wrong with you?" They ask.

They wonder why doing anything is so hard; why nothing is enjoyable--why you may be numb to everything. They can't see the blankets, or that the struggle to escape overpowers all joy; that it may be so tight that you've become numb.

They don't understand why you want to give up.

"Get over it." They say, as they walk around, free as a bird, no blankets to hold them down.

You want to take their advice; to set yourself free. You begin to slash at the blankets, only to realize you're only slashing at yourself--but it helps for a bit. Maybe you feel less pain; maybe you finally feel something. For a few moments, you can breathe and put on pretend wings.
Fake wings don't last forever, though. Soon they fall, are stolen, break, get lost--whatever it may be--and they're gone.

You slip back into the blankets.

The birds with real wings start to notice; they want to know why you're doing this to them again.
"You were doing so well!" They insist.

You do what you know, and your scars become too numerous to count.
Again and again you escape and find  a pair of wings, but it never seems to be enough.

You are never enough.

Suddenly, you've got it. If you're small enough--strong enough--the blankets can't contain you.
So food becomes your enemy.
Soon enough, your blanket becomes as empty as you are. You think you are strong as you easily slide out, finding refuge in a pair of beautiful wings.
The birds all stare.

"How thin she's gotten," they comment.
Some are concerned, others jealous.
"She's not healthy," they say.
They take your wings away, insisting you need help.

The blankets are always there, waiting. This time, they've gotten smaller and they swallow you up. As you begin to be forced to swallow as well, the blankets refuse to grow with you.
Breathing is harder than ever.

You realize there's no way to stop this cycle. The blankets will always be waiting, never relenting. The birds will never understand, always blind to the fabric encompassing your face.

There is only one way out that will last forever, never a blanket in sight.
Slash deep enough and the blankets will disappear--and so will the birds.
"I can be free," you think.

Freedom at last.
2020: breaking news: blankets burn and so do birds. Freedom smells like charred fabric and fowls.
Rebekah Wilson Oct 2013
He told her
To be perfect--

He wrote it
On her heart;
She wrote it
On her arms.

He told her
She was nothing--

So she strove
To see her bones,
And let him take
Her life away.
2020: yeah he’s living a really great life and probably doesn’t even know the impact he had. He was also a kid and so, so dumb. I’m absolutely perfect exactly as I am. The life I have now is better than anything he could have taken.
Rebekah Wilson Jul 2013
Sleepers will sleep;
Their minds shut off
To the world of pain
Surrounding them,
Belonging to the
Seers who see
All the hurt;
The injustice;
The suffering.

Feelers will feel
The world and
All its imperfect
Pain wrapped in
A cloak of invisibility
That has been chained
Around them by the
Sleepers who sleep
To pretend these
Seers and feelers
Are only dreams.
2020: still true. I should just re-title this as “Privilege”
Rebekah Wilson Jul 2013
This never ending
Cycle of feelings;
It goes on and on,
Again and again.
The things I should love
Lie emotionless
Deep inside my mind.
I just want to sleep;
Lie down and stay there.
Perhaps if I sleep,
When I awaken,
I will have returned--
Smile at the world
That always crushes
My grin in the end.
2020: Milo Murphy said it well, “when life crushes your lemons, stitch the rinds together to make a helmet.” I feel so much love and I have infinite grins.
Rebekah Wilson May 2013
A shallow man
will only date a model,
but at least he's
honest.

A ****
will date anyone,
but only make the models feel
beautiful.

A decent guy
will date an average girl,
say he doesn't look at size,
but his actions say otherwise.

A nice guy
will date a fat girl,
but marry
a skinny one.

A good guy
will marry a fat girl,
but wish,
every day,
that she was thinner--
and she
will always know.

A rare guy
will date a fat girl
and not realize
that she's fat.
She will feel
beautiful
and think
she's a model.

But he's a
minority,
and non-model girls are a
majority.

There's a solution:
Starve
until the fat
disappears.
Until every guy
that has ever preferred a skinny girl
over you;
over a girl that looks like you
-- or worse --
is even smaller than you,
but not small
enough,
would finally
consider you
worthy.
Starve.

But don't get too thin.
Guys complain about that too.
Now you're not pretty enough,
again.

Starve until you're
just right --
they'll tell you how great you look;
ask how you did it.

You'll lie,
yet again,
to maintain
the facade.

They'll think
you're disciplined --
but they don't know
just how much.

You can starve so they're happy;
put on a smile
to make them think you are too. Because you never will be --

they've destroyed your mind
with their standards;
you've destroyed it
with striving to live up to them.

You'll marry a guy
who tells you
you're beautiful,
but your eyes are broken;
an ugly,
obese girl
relentlessly
stares back.

She tells you
your husband
lies.

She tells you
food is bad,
purging is good.

She tells you
he prefers someone skinnier,
someone better.

You'll never be enough --
all because some
teenage boy
hung up a poster of a
photoshopped
model on his wall --
decided that she
is the ultimate goal,

and, thus,
your destiny emerged.
2020:  yeah. I’m just really gay. That’s all. Hope you let out a good chuckle or one of those nose air puffs that indicate something was amusing.
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