Today I realized that “healing” from this was my choice.
It is not his choice, my husband’s choice, my friend’s choice or even DT’s choice.
IT IS MY CHOICE.
They cannot stop me from killing myself,
From hating myself, from cutting myself or drinking til I black out.
IT IS MY CHOICE.
I have to decide if I want to live in this pain forever,
Remain imprisoned by my past
Wallow in self-pity and destructive behavior
OR
If I am going to help myself
And begin to define a new way of living.

I can look in the mirror
And tell myself that I am shattered
I am in pieces and it is hopeless
OR
I can tell myself that despite my “trauma”
And my struggles afterward,
The power to move forward is within me.
I have now taken off the costume of the “woman without a history of abuse.”
I recognize, admit, and accept that I am that woman
And that is my history.
And when I look in the mirror, I see that confident woman,
The woman with a long history of child abuse and trauma.
The woman with the lack of feelings, too many feeling, overwhelming feelings
I see her scars and I accept her.
I hear her voice, I feel her pain.
I see her confidence and beauty.
She is REAL not a costume.
She is me.

It seems slow, time does,....but he will sneak right by you, before your eyes begin to see
One day you find life is wild like white water rapids, most all highs and carelessly crashing, tossing you aimlessly this way than that, the next day you're dry as the desert plain, cracked and hopelessly deserted.
You won't find time crying for you. You won't find him waiting, but in a moment, in a smile or in a kind word, with every passing hour; time might pull you through.