waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting
for you to come through my front door
locking your dark grey sonata
to meet me in the kitchen
and greet me with your sweet lips
in the crook of my neck.

waiting for you to say
"Oh sweetheart, it smells delicious!"
and for you to ask how my day was.
Then sweet little 3 year old Michael Junior
will come running out yelling
"Daddy! Daddy! Look at me!"
with his cape on.

you'll greet him by picking him up
in the air and watching him as he flies.
he looks at you like you're his
hero, just as i do to you.

we all sit down, eat our food and
afterwards, i give little michael a bath and
we tuck him in bed. you'll read him a
bedtime story and we'll kiss him
goodnight and we'll leave a
night light on because hes
afraid of the dark.

we'll go in our room and get ready for
bed as well. we'll get in bed, talk about our day,
snuggle for what seems like hours,
and then finally, we'll end up hand in hand,
and so close to each other that nothing else
in the entire world matters.

we'll fall asleep to each other
rhymatic breathes and we'll wake up
to another beautiful day in our
beautiful lives.

waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting*

im waiting for something that can
never ever happen and i really
shouldn't be.

if only the stars aligned in my
favor for this, please oh please,
dear universe, won't you just allow
the teenager and teacher to
happen for once?

The more you learn about me, the more scared I become.
I'm scared that you'll leave when you find out more and more about me.
You want to know everything.
Not because I'm this "interesting" person that you say I am,
but because you're actually genuinely interested in who I am and who I will become.
Just don't let anything I say change anything, okay?

Death by fire.* The skin melting off of my bones and the smoke choking my throat and holding me down, my screams unheard of by those outside and seeing the dance of fire around my charcoaled bones.
Never knowing truth. Never understanding why I am here and what God wants me to do, to have him laugh in my face saying "You were always wrong!" Even when I thought he said it was in His plan, not ever fully understanding the ways of the universe that He so graciously let me explore.
Relapse. Becoming so sad again that I throw away almost a whole year of becoming who I am to succumbing to the hellish act of cutting open my wrist to see the blood flow from my body and to let the demons out again. To feel the sting, wait, numbness of it all.
Him touching me again. Never being able to say no. Feeling the touch of his sweaty palms around my waist, his fingertips making trails down my spine to my bare bottom, feeling parts of me that do *not belong to him.
Nobody believing me  Everyone telling me that I am a liar again, that I made it all up for attention and to break my family apart because I was "jealous" and I was "overreacting".
Losing her.  She can easily have any boy she wants, even other girls like her. I can lose her so easily, she's so beautiful. People constantly flirt with her, temping her to be theirs. But I am just me, and I feel like I am not enough, because she is everything, and I am nothing. No matter how dominating I am, I will always submit myself to her, because I belong to her. She can't leave me. I am hers.
Not getting into UC Berkeley.  I know I am not good enough, but I try to be my best. I try to get good grades and keep myself busy. I do not just want to attend this school, I need to be a part of this school because if I do not, then who would I be? All of my life's work would be thrown away and I would be feel hopeless, useless, and undeniably a failure. If I do not get accepted then I know I will never accept myself.
Going insane. I've seen these faces before, in the corner of my eye, hearing manic laughs within my mind, voices not there and things that run amuck. They are not there. They are not there. but oh! how they truly are sometimes. I just hope that they are not real.
Her taking her own life. Sometimes I feel like I do not help her at all. I can feel her sadness starting to creep back up on her again, wanting to take her and swallow her whole. I try so hard to help, but who I am to do that? I am powerless, I am weak. She is the strong one, not me. But oh, how sometimes even she succumbs to Deaths somber friend, Depression.
My parents finding out before the time we wish. Everything would die if they found out, they would extinguish our love so quick and **** everything that ever led to us being in love. If they found out, I wouldn't be myself anymore, I would lose the part of me that made me feel whole, I would lose the part of myself that I never knew that I was missing, I would fall apart, I wouldn't want to live anymore. What am I without you? Maybe life could happen again, and maybe we could find each other in the future when we are out of our parents hold, but that does not mean we would still be in love with each other. We would just be ghosts of each other's pasts, haunting each other throughout each other's lives and making us each feel so alone. Who would I be without you?
Last but not least, myself. I can easily do so much damage to everyone around me. I have hurt my love before, and my best friend, and my parents, and everyone else. I am my own worst enemy, and I can destroy everything that lives. I fear that I am constantly on self destruct without my love, that I am already dead and wishing to **** everything due to my unhappiness. Only love can cure the dead in heart.

I remember that day.
He had a white mustang
and I had cherry lips.
And he wanted much more than a kiss,
But I had never done anything more.
And it really wasn't a kiss.
It was more like a make out session.
And it didn't get very heated,
Because he wasn't good.
And I wasn't into it.
And he stole my gum,
And I didn't want him...
I wanted her.

I also remember this day.
We went into the bathroom,
and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
I looked at you from across,
And you smiled shyly at me.
And I kind of just pounced,
And I grabbed your face,
And our lips did not fit together correctly.
You pulled me away while laughing,
And told me to give it another go,
And I slowly came back and let my lips
fit with yours like you were my missing puzzle piece.
I was wrong.

I got maybe two or
Three hours of sleep.

But somehow I'm running on
You.

I think I knew I was gay when
I started to notice girls more than
guys or when
I started drawing them more frequently or
Seeing them in my dreams.
The excitement of just
One kissing scene in a movie with
Two girls just gives me this...
Thrill.

I still think that maybe I'm just
Bi,
Not all the way gay but
I can tell that I lean towards
Girls than guys more and
I think I like it
Better that way.

My split ends
Reminds me of
The cracks in
My heart.
They're spidery webs
That keep forming
By the demons
That pull away
All hope
For something more.

White walls.
Straight jacket.
No windows.
cough
****, this place is bland.
Purple liquids.
Veins more blue.
Cuts healed.
sneeze
****, where am I?
Walls still white.
Still in a straight jacket.
Still no windows.
coughs again
****, this place is still bland!
More purple liquids.
More blue viens.
You can barely see my cuts--
sneezes again
****, I'm still here?

More days pass,
It feels like eternity.
I can't even
Eat without them
Thinking I'm going to
Open my cuts with a
Plastic knife.

I look at the salt less corn and
Sigh.
Will I ever leave my
Thoughts?

I laughed today.
Like a genuine laugh
Like a real laugh.
It was so wonderful,
I was actually sort of happy.
Thank you for that,
It was nice.

i am mountains and valleys of mistakes and wrongdoings,
but i am here on my knees Lord---
i am ready for You.

I could kiss you
                            and
touch you
                  and
love you
                for my life time
and more.

Something about you
                                      brings my body
to life
           and my brain
flickering fast
                         and
my heart
                beating like crazy.

Love is quite complicated
                                              but it seems as if
we fall gracefully on top of
                                                each other
as if we were the
                              m  iss     ing       pi       ece
to the puzzle that is
                                    human souls.

my need to get away is
so great that I am even
considering applying to
a school up north to
finish my high school years.

isn't that supposed to be a sign, mom?
I am utterly miserable being here and
living with the people I call "family".
the kids and teachers at school are
more a family to me than you'll ever be.

I do hope I get in,
I have the grades for it.
maybe they'll see how hell bent I am
on getting away that they'll even give me
a free ride.

It's a ritual
Of mine
To fall in love.
By day I do it,
By night I've fell.
By morning I've cried,
And over time
I'm done.

My life consists of
Falling in and
Out
Of love.

In fourteen hundred ninety two
I gave my heart over to you.

I had three lives and you took them all;
you crushed and slashed and watched me fall.

I would sail by night; sail by day;
I used you, my star, to find my way.

My compass, my star, helped me to know
exactly which way that I should go.

I thought you'd take good care of my heart,
but instead you burned it and tore it apart.

Maybe it was love, maybe it was truth,
But all I know is that I fell hard in my youth.

In fourteen hundred ninety two
I did exactly what you shouldn't do.

I dream about her at night
The faceless woman
She creeps into my doorway and
Im blinded.
I still dont know her name and
I dont think I ever will.
I hear her voice at night,
speaking to me in such a way I
Almost drown in her
velvet like sounds.
Who is she?
Why is she?
Where is she?

i want to disappear into the sun and plant myself in the soil that surrounds me
i wish to grow like a flower and to hum like the bees that pollinate the world around me
i know i will be more than just a girl with flowers in her hair
i am a part of nature, i am God's creation

I've realized a few things about over thinking:
Yeah, it may **** ******* *** but
You do get the truth out of it sometimes.

Like, for instance,
When you told me something that other day and
You said it was for the good of me.
No it wasn't.
You're lying.
Yeah, maybe it might have helped me from
Being even sadder but
I could've helped you overcome these things.
We promised not to and guess what?
We both broke that promise.

Saying we wouldn't do it because
The other couldn't?
*******.
It's sick.
It's like the cutting games over here
And I don't want to be in it.

You say "oh I care, thats why I didn't tell you."
*******!
How much more hurt do you think I'd be
If you would've told me first?
I'd rather find out from you than
The ******* Internet.
It's Disgusting
I wanted to cut so much that night
And I remember you naming the pros and cons,
Saying how its "not worth it"

Well,
With the things that are going on and
The secrets that are being kept
I think it's necessary.

i lay here in pain
waiting to find a way
to ask if you'll ever leave.
people often do,
and some say that you
would not mind forgetting
your feelings after awhile.
how am i supposed to believe
"i love you's" when you can
pull away ever so quickly?
the twinkle in your eyes
makes me believe in our future
but stories often told of the past
remind me that i am only a person
worth leaving.

Ah, bestfriend! You're back!
What a wise one!
I can't say I've missed you, but
I can tell it's been awhile.
Want a drink?
I'll gladly stay for awhile!
It's been several months
Since I last saw you.
You helped me heal my
Wounds.
And you helped me with my darkest fears.
I'm glad you're back,
Things might be easier now.

now I'm the one crying and cleansing this new bed that doesn't know the feel of your skin on it with my hot tears and endless, muffled screams.

Even though our flower died,
We can plant a new seed in hopes
Of a beautiful bloom one day.

you inched your fingers towards mine
and the rule "No PDA" slipped my mind
and I couldn't seem to help but wonder
what God has in store for us.

Stop ******* saying I'm mad
I said I was cool with it.
You're making this a big deal when
I'm being chill about it.
I've had enough problems in my life lately and
I'm not letting this get to me.
Those feelings and nightmares are for
At night, not now.
So, lets stay friends,
I'm sick of fighting.
I gave up and
You let someone in.
I'm proud of you.
I just am selfish and
Wish that it wasn't him.

My nightmares are
The kind that
Make you terrified to
Fall back asleep.
Make you so scared you
Can't even move.
My nightmares wake me up
In the middle of the night and
Tell me to
Do very bad things.
Sometimes they spare me and
Other times I can't help what
Comes next.

"He talked about you all night when we got back to the dorms."
I thought for a second before I replied with a giddy sounding, "Me?"
He laughed and said, "Yes, of course YOU! Y'all talked till lights out and
he couldn't stop saying you were beautiful! Who else would I be talking about?"
I smiled at the thought of him talking to his best friend at two in morning about me as the stars gleamed outside of his window onto his beautifully tanned face.
"So I'm guessing there's something more to come, yeah?" I asked you nervously.
You waited for bit before replying, "I've never seen him like this about a girl before...I'm pretty sure that there's definitely more to come, especially since he can't keep his eyes off of you nor stop talking about you. I guess you'll just have to see."

Even though the future is unclear, I plan on taking whatever is to come one day at a time, and maybe even enjoying these days to come with you. Who knows?

"So you're.....what?"
You looked at me confusedly and
I tried my best not to be worried about
what you might think.
This is who I am,
And I can't keep lying about it.
"I'm Pansexual, yeah."
You took a deep breath,
and then you smiled at me as you grabbed ahold of my hands.
"Tell me more," you said.
And that's how I knew I had made an amazing choice.

I'm having such a hard time with how I feel about him.
I just want to know him more, but I don't want to mess it up this time.
I want him to know how incredible I think he is...but the words seemed to escape me every time I was given the chance.
I'm hoping that this week, maybe I'll be lucky enough to be given just one more chance to tell him.

My worst fears are
Coming true.
They don't believe me,
They believe you.

why is it that you're suddenly so interested now?
because you saw others flirting with me?
because maybe it got through your thick *** skull that
I'm not waiting around anymore?
that I'm just ******* tired of your
*******?

sorry,
but it's not my fault that
you couldn't make up your mind
during the right
time.

I just woke up,
Actually
I never fell asleep.
My nightmares kept me awake
Of things that seem to deep.

I was cutting off my skin,
Slitting off the pain.
I was jumping from a building,
Hoping to feel sane.

I was throwing up my dinner,
Heaving felt like fires.
I was bleeding in the bathroom floor,
Blood pouring out all of my desires.

I was running away,
A man was chasing me.
He pinned me down,
Took of my pants,
And started thrusting.

I'll never understand my dreams,
Only what they mean so,
I'm certainly not scared of dying,
But only of the way that it would go.

I would want to live a long life,
Die of old age, or as a martyr.
Not from ****,
Cutting till death,
Of anything of that sort.
I want to die,
Because I've lived
To much.
I want to be worthy,
Of eternal living.

Because one life isn't enough.

its all my fault
thats all ive ever known.
i did this to myself.
i *deserved what happened.
i did this to myself.
its all my fault
thats all ive ever known.
i deserved what happened.

he deserves to be their favorite.
who cares if i make honor roll or
become president of every club
or becoming every teachers *******
(being a smart student, not the hot kind.)
or being respected or listening to my parents
or smiling even when im dying inside.
none of it matters,
because im the last choice between
you and i.

i always am and always will be.

saved by a shooting star
just the way i knew i would be
who knew what God had in store for me?
for someone that could not praise him healthily?
saved by the true king,
was blind but now i can see
for the brightness of the star
showed me or father
and let me into the fullness of his glory.
saved by God,
he showed me my weaknesses and everything that
i am to become and all that i
ever will be.
he is the true teacher
and i yearn to know what he has in store for me.
please, God. let me live the life you want me to.
and i beg of you to forgive my sins
for i will pay them for all eternity if i have too,
just so i can be able to know your glory.

I remember when they told me that you would break my heart, but even before we were together I had faith in us. Where did that all go? When did they become right?

sometimes i can still feel your arms around me
but instead of you holding me by my waist
you are now grasping me by my neck
and you are trying to take away what little breath
i have left inside of me.

We sit down
Take notes
And
The copying begins.

I write everything down
Till my hand starts to ache.
I look over at your set
But then back at mine.
The only difference
Was that I didn't have
Her name
Written all over it.
                                                        On the top.
         On the sides.

                          On the bottom.
Everywhere.

torie
Written in hearts and with
Love.

If only you knew that I
Do the same with yours.

If I was gay..
would it really that bad?
I mean,
I'd adopt a few kids, maybe even save their lives.
I'd show the world that I'm not evil, actually, I'm pretty nice..
I volunteer sometimes too.
But, that's not the point,
is it?

Kids are so afraid to be themselves and
you all wonder why.
Want to know?
Because of all the constructive critisism
we get from the second we walk out of
our rooms.
No wonder my stepbrother doesn't want to
leave his room or
I don't want to leave school;
They're safe havens from
******* like you.

The way our
Fingers brushed
On that cold night
As I ran my
Fingers
Through your hair,
Down your
S
  P
    I
     N
        E
Made me love you
Even more.

But,
Sadly,
That's all gone.
The feelings have deminished into
Nothing.

I hope it's what you wanted.

I am turning into him.
Not asking yes but just
taking and wanting and
needing
without wondering if
you even said yes.

I should stop because
I care about you so much.
And I don't think that I've ever
loved anybody as much as I
love you...

But it would seem that I am
becoming just like him and
what will stop me?
I am nothing special,
I cannot see why you think
I am worth anything but
you do and I guess that is nice
but I guess I never really thought of
myself as special or the things we do
as special because I'm not special.

You are, but I am not.
In all honesty, I do not deserve you
and yet you stay but maybe I am
turning into him, someone you just
cannot dare say no to and the person who will take everything from you until you have nothing left except your shame and disgust.

I am nothing special.
I am just a girl in love who is
slowly taking the form of her
abusive step-brother.

And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don't want me

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependent
I'm such a fool

When you're not there,
I find myself singing the blues.
Can't bear,
Can't face the truth

You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

I'm afraid of falling
To deep for you.
I'm scared of how
This might end.
I'm afraid I might have never
Really loved you.
I'm scared that I
Might not be able to control myself
Around you.
I'm afraid I might not
Be real.
I'm scared that you
Might not be either.
I'm afraid that my
Nightmares might
Come true.
I'm scared that you might
Want them to come true.
I'm afraid we might not
Be friends anymore.
I'm also scared that
You don't want me in anyway
Anymore.
Not just 'girlfriend' wise (which would never happen anyway but I keep my hopes up)
But in a friend way.
Even an acquaintance way.
That we might just forget each other and
Not remember everything we've been through.

I can't lose you.

have you ever had those days
when you miss that feeling
of the blade touching your skin
and barely missing a vein?
the excitement you feel
when blood pours out
and the manic grin that
spreads across your face
as the pain subsides?'

i'll be honest,
it is what i have thought about
all day long.
i want the blood
and the pain and the
momental joy.

but, that is all it is.
the feeling flees the second
i am done, the high is gone
and all i am left with is
a ripped up wrist.

hopefully, love isn't the same way.
but, all great addictions usually are.

shes so tired.
you can see it in her eyes.
and yet she dares to take
college courses and dares to
wear her weird spock ears
to school.

she goes to soccer every day till
6 and still does her homework.
she wakes up at 6 every day and
tries her hardest to get some
sleep at night.

she over thinks (sign of intelligence, right?)
everything and she is kind of a
perfectionist when it comes to school.
shes been slacking with her artwork and
reading but she still drinks green tea everyday.
she just wants to live and to stop being
so afraid of everything.

and her daddy issues slowly get
worse and she shelters herself from
any sort of affection, which is not
okay because she knows that so many
people care for her, right?
dont they?
......

right?

her panic attacks have been getting
worse but she hasnt cut in awhile
and she tries so hard to be
proud but its so hard because
she can barely even breathe
anymore.