Yes, I, myself, am lovesick.
I am honest to God sick of love.
Does that make sense?
Love makes me sick in every single way,
And as my skin burns and my bones ache
Because of it, I learn that love is a sickness that
You'll just get over one day.

love would be easier
if it made you happy
all the time.

love would be easier
if hiding was just a game
instead of a constant battle.

love would be easier
if I could keep that smile of yours
to always reach the stars.

love would be easier
if thoughts of death
did not bombard both of our minds.

love would be easier
if I could **** your demons
that I cannot see.

love would be easier
if you would let me in
so I could help you heal.

love would be easier
if I could let go of the past
and realize that my future is right before me.

love would be easier
if I could taste you constantly
instead of lying here alone.

love would be easier
if I never said hello
after all, everything ends, right?

please don't go.

Something inside of me
exploded tonight.
Maybe a supernova of
a dying star happened
without me noticing because
I was being taken to a
whole new realm in the
Universe with her.

i wanted him to miss me
and i mean, i guess he does.
i wanted him to miss me like
how i miss him.
i miss him like how i
miss the stars in the day.
i miss him like how i
miss being a kid.
i miss him like how i
miss disney songs.
i miss him.

he reminds me of how i
am mature but also how
i am a kid. he reminds me of
the stars, and i how i wish to be
near them. i just miss him.

he walked past me this morning
and we shared that knowing look again
but i guess he doesn't miss me enough
to tell me a decent hello.

Mankind has always feared what it doesn't understand.

the same dream always occurs--
you and i
becoming one
entangling in our
love,
entangled in the
sheets.
you falling for the
passion i
have over the stars,
me falling for
you.

the way you lean
down to grab my
face and kiss my
lips so softly,
nothing can explain
the feeling.

i just wish i knew it.

Wait until I fall asleep
I'll be gone soon.
My miseries are endless,
I can't seem to find the moon?

Let the stars come up again,
Tell them that I'm here,
Let them know what's going on,
Just don't tell them what I fear.

Make the sun,
Kiss the morning sky.
The birds will awake,
And they will be ready to fly.

Seems like the atmosphere,
Is drowning in my sorrows.
Don't let them feel my prescience,
Today nor tomorrow.

Let them come and find me,
Show them what you've done.
Maybe then they'll see that,
That they're be no rising sun.

What we had before,
Isn't far away form us.
What you see is love,
A love that you can trust.

I want to tell you.
Abuse
Isn't exactly a thing
People should know.
The kind of
Abuse
Isn't really someones
Fairytale way of
Living.
But who says I'm
Living?

I'm completely
Dead
Going in a downward
Spiral
That leads me into a
Dark oblivion.
My breathing becomes
Faster and then
Stops
Just as I hit the pavement.

Glad I'm gone
Or am I?

she was everything and more.

He never loved
Me
He never even cared.
The looks were all artificial,
The way he acted and
Stared.

"But I tell you that men will give an account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken."

the month of the end.
you'd probably said it was your beginning,
but what about mine?
school ends and so does our friendship.
but, your forever starts
just as soon as ours never started.
what about me?
do i even matter?
78 days till May.
till the month i release you from
what little grasp i had.
78 days till my heart finally gives up
and till i have to let you go.
like a bird in a cage,
i must set you free.
its what you do to the ones you love,
because if they love you enough,
they'll come back, right?

maybe thats just a saying from a fairy tale
to give people like me hope.

"How are you feeling right now?"
You were looking at me with your dorky smile
and then something shifted.
You immediately took a deep breath and
you looked at me with a seriousness in your eyes that
I'm not sure I could ever possibly explain.
"I...I feel...weird."
I looked at you, slightly confused. I cocked my head
to the side and I wondered, "Is it a good or bad weird?"
It was almost like you could hear my thoughts...
Or maybe you just read my ****** expression.
"No no no, it's not a bad kind of weird. It's really good, I think. It's just...strange."
I still looked at you in awe, wondering how whatever you were feeling could be strange.
"Rachel, can I say something?"
Of course you can, you always can.
"I've never felt this before. Whatever this feeling is, I've never known it."
You looked at me with your eyes staring at what little of myself is left inside of me, and we both waited for one of us to respond.
I stopped smiling and I just took all of you in.
I watched as your eyes watched me and I
wished I could've had you near me so you could say this right
in front of my face instead of over FaceTime.
"What?"
"I just really appreciate you, okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay."
"******, not again."
"Okay."
"Okay. Will we do this every time we're about to say something serious about one another?"
I paused and hid my smile from you, because you had told me earlier how sweet it was when I did that.
"I guess so."
"Maybe we'll say it one day?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Yes, maybe."

i thought of him
and those hands
and that beard
dear god, he is ecstasy.

i thought of that laugh
and that smile
and those blue, blue eyes.
i cannot get enough.

the thought of his tie
and those lips
and the way he sticks out his tongue.
i sure would like a taste of him.

i thought about him
and his brain
and about what he thinks about,
maybe he thinks of me?

he must think of me,
he gives me gifts
and tells me he loves me.
doesn't that mean he cares?

maybe i'll never know.

that I'm still alive

I'm a disappointment to
Mankind.

I
Want
To
Immerse
Myself
In
You.

He lurks in the back of my mind
And he makes me miss him so much more.

Those eyes
Haunt me
In my dreams
At night.

They let me know
You're here.
They give me sight.

I think you've
Noticed my gaze,
You hold it tight;
Like how you
Grip the marker
On the board.

Your blue--
Wait!
Greenish gray eyes
Have followed me down the
Halls.
Watching my
Steps
Watching my breathes.

You know the paths
I take and
Where I follow.
But do I?

I have two ways I could
Ask you out:
#1-
We could be sitting under a sheet
With all the lights turned out
On my bed (or yours)
And we could be laughing and then
I'd kiss you.
We'd look at each other after and then
I'd smile and say,
"Will you be mine?"
#2
We'd about to be leaving for
Our first travel trip.
We'll be eighteen and
You'll be packing up upstairs.
I'll pull in with my car and
Pull out chalk from the backseat.
I'll sit on the ground and draw some
Words so that when you come outside
You can see them.
It'll say, "Will you be mine?" And
Have two boxes under it.
One will say yes and the other will say no.

Hopefully you won't even have to check a box because
You'll be in my arms
Crying
Laughing
And be mine already.

I take sleeping pills every night
and I don't really remember when this started
but I don't think it's such a bad thing.
I like them because they help me fall right asleep and
I don't have to worry about what awaits for me behind my
drooping eyelids.

I had a nightmare,
And It woke me up.
I screamed for help,
No one heard.
You were there,
And for some reason
You helped me.
You killed them,
The ones who
Tried to **** me.
That's what friends do right?
But then I watched you
Die in different ways.
Each one slower
And more painful
Than the last.
I hope I never really
Have to experience that.
I hope I'm the first to go and
You'll live forever
Missing me.

It's been almost two years
Since the first time you came by

I just wish that it wasn't this way.

It just seems like
You wouldn't miss me.
Like nobody would.

I know I'm not a monster,
I'm just a girl who wants something
That she can never have.
And maybe I can get it from others,
But I do not want any others.
I just want you.

The cuts on my
Wrist
Symbolize the
Monsters in my
Brain.
If I don't get out soon I
Think I'll go insane.

My hand
So close to yours
Yet
So far away.
I just want to
Hold them tight
For you to realize
We're meant to be
Together,
To be one.
You lay on my lap
Unintentionally of course
At least in your mind.
But to me it means
More than life.
More than anything.

Last night I
Tossed and turned.
I woke up in a
Cold sweat and
Wanted to scream.
I looked over in my bed and
Saw you there,
Reaching out to me,
for me,
Whispering my name and
Then you disappeared.
I turned to the other side,
And tried to forget you.
But the tears that I shed
Reminded me I
Couldn't.

You're gone and while I was saddened for quite some
time over the loss of you I am
moving on more and more
every single
day.

you see, i see you as
a father figure.
not in a creepy way, but
in an adoring way.
you are so kind to me,
you give me reasons to
believe in myself.
you help me see the
light.

i envy your daughter.
she gets to be with you
constantly and she gets
your undying attention
and your unconditional
love.

what's not to envy?
i envy the way you
care for her and the
way you love her and
how you are a
good father.

i wish i had one that was
good, just like you.
i guess that's why i'm so
close to you, why i even
told you my story.
you deserved to know
because you'd believe me
when he didn't.

thanks.

No, not a new teacher crush.
Just a very cool teacher who
wants to understand why
I stare at the walls or
laugh while I cry
or why I feel
the need to
be so
perfect.

i guess it came out wrong.
i guess i didn't mean to say,
"I only live for my grades."
i mean, i live for the stars,
planets, consellations, and
the black holes.

i live for the universe surrounding me.
but, i guess i was also telling the truth.
the only things i care about are my grades.
i hyperventilate when i don't have the perfect grades.
i literally cry when things don't go my way.
i need the highest gpa possible.

it's my only chance to a future,
its my only hope.
its everything i dream about,
think about,
and live for.

so, i guess i was telling the truth when i
said i had nothing else to live for
except for my grades.

i guess i should've let you
take me to the couselor.
i think i need one.

Still trying to
Understand
Why.
Why?
Why do you look at me
With those eyes?
So green yet
So blue.
So perfect and
*so you.

Hey Mrs.R,
I just wanted to say
Thanks and all.

This will be my last poem on here for the summer.

Oh my wonderful poets,
Keep writing! I plan to come back and see
More beautiful poems and stories, okay?

Goodbye,
I'll be back soon.

She told me that
You cried when
You told her what
Happened to me.
That she's never seen a
Grown man cry over
A young girl like that.
That she's only seen two
Other men cry in general.
That you really must
Care about me.

i told her that her jokes were
always funny. that they always brightened up
my day, that she was the one who brings a
smile across my face without even
trying.

but, then i told her that the one joke
that i couldn't tolerate was the one
about self-harm. she looked up at me,
and i swear her heartrate soared,
and then said,
"i understand, it won't happen again."
i looked at her, confused.
why was that so easy to say?
i then looked down at my wrist and
gulped a bit louder than i should,
and she got out from behind her desk
and then proceeded to say,
"I did it as well, i cut in highschool."

i stared blankly at her,
not expecting to hear that
she knows the fears i have.
she knows of what its like to
have a blade go across your skin,
she knows.

i hate that she knows.
i hate that she went through that,
that she knows that feeling.
i hate it.

but, at the same time, im glad
she knows, because maybe she can
be the one who helps me from
going on some relapse
frenzy.

i just hope that
maybe she wants to
be the one who
helps me.

Just woke up with sweat
and thoughts a blood dripping
down my face.
A sick grin laid across my face
came as soon as Saturn's rings.
Listen closely, the story I will tell
is quits misleading.
For I would never **** a man...
now would I?

He would break into my home
and **** my Mom and Dad
then go for my brother
and guess who is next:
Me!

He'd come straight on in
and I'd be on my phone
he'd see an opportunity because
guess who's watching ****?

He's take what little clothes I have
and throw them across the bed.
He wouldn't care about my screaming
because there is no one in the room.
He'd whip his **** out and
try and slip it in.
I'd scream and cry and
wonder why
"what the hell did I
do to deserve this?"

He'd try to get my hips to
cooperate as he tries to ride fast.
but what he doesn't know is that
this ***** is on the soccer team and
can surely kick his ***.

Somehow I would be on top now
and have his knife against his throat.
I'd smile sweetly and decide to say,
"I learned this from a show!"
I'd slice his blade across his neck
just hitting his jugular vein
because everyone knows that
once it's done
it can never
be replaced.

(r.a.)

He said he loved me yesterday.
Today he told me that
He'd never hurt me that
He'd stay by my side no matter
What.
That he'd help me fight off my demons because
he understands and he
cares about me.

But he doesnt understand why
I cringe away in fear when he puts his
Arm around me or
Tries to kiss my cheek.
He doesnt understand that I
Think about what my stepbrother did to me
Constantly
And that I cry in the middle of the night because
Of the nightmares
That were once real.

So,
Truth be told,
Sweetheart,
I turned you down not only because I'm
Not ready for a relationship, but
Also because You
remind me of the
Horrid things I
See at
Night.

He came over for the day.
I thought it'd be nice to
see him again
considering that he
likes me...
a lot.

I took him to Church with me
and then to my aunts party.
We sat and talked most of
the time and honestly,
it was nice.

I found out really deep things about
him and he found out some
things about me.

I guess you can say we have a
"connection" because
I'm the only person he's ever
told that much of
his life to.

I think I like him,
especially since he
held my hand in the
car that night while
I brought him home.
He knew I needed
someone and he
was there.

Thanks sweetheart.
Baby, you're the
*best.

i miss you.
i miss those late night texts asking if i was awake.
i miss hearing you play the piano.
i miss the way your hand felt in mine.
i miss you.

i miss the way you joked around with me.
i miss how we always got so close, and i always pulled away.
i regret doing that because now i realize
how much i miss you.

i miss you
and all that you do
and all that you are
and what you will be.

i miss the videos you'd send me
or the thoughts we'd share,
or the stories we'd tell
in times of despair.

i miss the sound of your voice
on a hot sunday night
through the phones speakers
everything felt just so right.

i miss you
and all that you are
and all that i am
regrets leaving you so far.

Branching out with
The music I'm listening to is
Different.
I'm listening to
Nirvana
Muse
Calvin Harris
The Killers
Ellie Goulding
Imagine Dragons
Demi Lovato
And so much more.
Life seems to be okay
As long as I keep the
Music up.

Oh Doctor,
You have been so kind.
I'll be going back to you soon
For you to check up on me
again.
I'm not complaining,
Because he makes me laugh oh so much.
He's great.
I giggle and laugh as he
Hits my knee with that thingy and
Does his regular routine check.
He started tearing up as I
Told him about my thoughts
And he understood and
Even listened.
I told him how sad I've been
And how empty I am.
How much I
Want to not be here anymore.
How I've even cut
Because of everything.
But then he grabbed my hand
Told me everything was going to be better
And asked, "do you have a plan?"
I smiled, said no.
Because it's true,
I don't.
I wanted to but
I didn't and that's how he knew.
That's how he knew that
Maybe I'm not fully
Afraid of living.