R: Poems

629 · Apr 2013

R Apr 2013

I put on that fake smile
Hoping someone would notice.
Hoping someone would care.
But the people that seem to fall into my life
Never really do.

628 · Jun 2013

Murphy II

R Jun 2013

Murphy II

He came over for the day.
I thought it'd be nice to
see him again
considering that he
likes me...
a lot.

I took him to Church with me
and then to my aunts party.
We sat and talked most of
the time and honestly,
it was nice.

I found out really deep things about
him and he found out some
things about me.

I guess you can say we have a
"connection" because
I'm the only person he's ever
told that much of
his life to.

I think I like him,
especially since he
held my hand in the
car that night while
I brought him home.
He knew I needed
someone and he
was there.

Thanks sweetheart.
Baby, you're the
*best.

624 · May 2013

Girl at Baseball Game x3

R May 2013

Girl at Baseball Game x3

I wish to see your
Face again,
That eyes that
Make me flutter.
I wish to see your
Face again,
And this time not
Say words that stutter.

624 · Aug 2013

What the f/ck did I just write.

R Aug 2013

What the f/ck did I just write.

I couldn't look at him cause
Of the thoughts running through
My mind of how I
Just want to get on top of him and
Make out with him so fiercely and
To just unbutton his shirt and
Unzip his pants and
Never get my math
Work done because
We're to busy
On his
Desk.

624 · Feb 2014

Romeo and Juliet

R Feb 2014

Romeo and Juliet

you are like Balthasar
getting into business
that isn't yours
and running around without
asking permission.
taking information
into your own hands.
civil blood makes civil hands
unclean
and i know that you think
that it was right.
it would seem that
your mind is distorted
and you do not know
left from right.

stop being Balthasar.
everyone loathes him,
and if Romeo would not have
been blinded by his feelings
I'm sure he would see as
i do now.

just something i thought of earlier while watching Romeo and Juliet. has no meaning, i just really hated Balthasar lol.

622 · Jul 2013

They hate gays, go figure

R Jul 2013

They hate gays, go figure

she told me that
     my parents are ignorant *******.
that I deserved better.
    that I needed support.

it's true. I do.
because maybe if I knew who
     I was then this
hell wouldn't be so bad

because I'd be able to have
       *You.

622 · Mar 2013

Innocence

R Mar 2013

Innocence

There was once a rose
With very many petals
It was always caring,
Always very special.

One night on a Saturday,
She decided to settle.
She gave up herself,
And suddenly lost a petal.

She looked up at God,
Even asked him why.
But nobody answered,
Nobody replied.

She settled some more,
The sins kept on adding.
The petals kept on falling,
Slowly subtracting.

In the end, there was one,
Barely anything left.
She gave her last petal,
Robbed of innocence, it was theft.

She didn't realize,
What had been done.
Until he left her alone,
It wasn't very fun.

There once was a rose,
With very many petals.
She gave them all up,
Now she's not special.

620 · Feb 2014

Untitled

R Feb 2014

Untitled

i almost cried earlier because
for some **** reason,
church reminds me of
all the bad things that have
ever happened to me.

is that normal?

i thought church was
supposed to lift you up
because God loves you,
right?

i know he does...
but why do i constantly
need a reminder that i am
not worthy of such love?

just some thoughts about earlier today at school in church....hmm....

620 · Apr 2013

You're my Sky, ha, get it? (15w)

R Apr 2013

You're my Sky, ha, get it? (15w)

You're my Best-friend,
Not my lover.

But it always seems to be more than that.

619 · May 2013

This ain't a scene, it's an Arms Race-Fallout boy

R May 2013

This ain't a scene, it's an Arms Race-Fallout boy

You feel the need to
Make me feel okay.
Why?
I'm nothing.

616 · May 2013

Trying

R May 2013

Trying

It's cold and
Your shirt is still
On me.
Everyone is screaming and
Jumping and I'm
Still stuck in the moment.
The music is blaring and
I'm still watching you.

But I'm laying in a
Hotel room,
Alone,
And trying not to scream.

611 · Nov 2015

taurus

R Nov 2015

taurus

the last time I felt like someone cared about me was when
we were on my bed,
laughing and rolling around and
being so close to one another.
you were trying (notice I said trying)
to tickle me and you failed miserably.
you somehow ended up on top of me and
then your warm, tender hand (the right one, specifically)
ended up holding me by my waist and
you slowly made your way up to my face as you
caressed my cheek.
you leaned down slowly to kiss me and that was the last time I
know someone cared about me.

I feel like I'm all alone in the world because I'm slowly, but surely, being
forced to shut myself out from it.
trust me, it's not something that I want to do.
but it's something that I have to do, because if I don't then
things will just continue to get worse and
I just simply cannot afford anymore heartbreak.

everyone is dead. well, not everyone.
but most of us are.
we're just walking corpses waiting for Death to take us away
from this Hell we call Earth.

*aren't we?

"taurus: when is the last time you felt like someone cared
about you? why is it that you feel like you're all alone in
this world? where has everyone gone?"
Inspired by my horoscope that lulu put on here.
(and I took this "caring" to be of the romantic variety. my friends and my family love and care about me, and I can think of a million ways and stories to write about, but I specifically wanted to do a romantic one because those moments don't happen as much and I have to cherish them while I can.)
(and heartbreak comes in many different forms. This is about all the forms of heartbreak.)

609 · May 2013

I'm not ready

R May 2013

I'm not ready

It's funny,
Never being enough.
I look in the mirror and
Laugh.
Ew, I hate my
Legs
Stomach
Throat
So much I could just
Glide a knife and slit
It right off.
Maybe if I go
Far enough I won't
Feel a thing.
But the sad part is
I feel too much.
I would stop eating but
I don't have enough willpower.
I would put a knife to my wrist but
I'm trying to be strong for y'all.
I would put a gun to my head and pull the trigger but
I'm not ready to go.

608 · Sep 2013

w10

R Sep 2013

w10

she said its
love
because my
heart
aches for
you.

608 · May 2013

First Class Bitch

R May 2013

First Class *****

You know what I noticed?
If she was still in your life
We wouldn't have made our plans.
You'd still want to live with her and
Such.
And our travel plans and
Apartment living wouldn't even
exist.
Think about that for a second.
I personally think that
You just moved onto the
Next best thing.
Well sorry honey,
I'm not second place material.
I'm first class and I deserve
To be happy.

But for some reason,
I still believe that's where my happiness comes from.
*You.

This was harsh and uncalled for.... Sorry.

608 · Mar 2014

Photos

R Mar 2014

Photos

I've never been much of a photographer
but it seems that every photo I take of her
from any angle or lighting or background
seems to level with her beauty.

if the sun shines behind her
it brightens up her
already porcelain skin
and creates this unbelievable
contrast of lights
and even darks.

I may not be a photographer
but you are my inspiration to
write, read, smile, make memories,
and even to live.

you are a piece of art,
and your beauty deserves
to shine.

mhmmm sweet Leigh...

607 · Feb 2014

7:26

R Feb 2014

7:26

sorry that I want so much
but I can't help but love
the way your legs tense up
when I go to the place you love so much.

607 · Mar 2013

Oh, the things we could do if I were yours

R Mar 2013

Oh, the things we could do if I were yours

You wrote about
Her

How you wanted her.

Why can't she be mine? you ask.

Well,
Truth be told.
If you were talking about me
I'd grab you by the waist
Stop you mid sentence
And kiss you.

First: I'd kiss your
Lips
(Not the ones down below, that's for later my dear)
Second: I'd let my hands gradually fall down to your hips
And BAM!
I'd squeeze.
Third: I'd kiss your
Neck
And nuzzle my face
Inbetween the crook.
Fourth: I'd whisper i love you over and over again
Until we reach the bedroom.
Fifth: That's when the real
Love making begins.

We'd be slow, passionate at
First.
Then we'd gradually start to try new,
******,
Intense,
Things.
We'd
Touch,
Pound,
Stare,
Our mouths would
Moan,
Water,
Kiss,
Sigh,
In satifaction.
Oh the things we could do.

But, you don't want that.
It's understandable.
I'm fine with it, really.

I'll just have to get over it, you
And find someone to experience this
With.

607 · Dec 2015

Another Day

R Dec 2015

Another Day

There's something about sweat dripping down my forehead
and the feeling of blood running through my veins
that makes me glad that I'm alive
and able to live another day.

I motivate myself
But I can't say that I don't have help from others.
I pushed myself a lot yesterday and today and was frustrated due to my failure (even though it wasn't a failure, but in my mind anything less than is a failure). I have to learn to be grateful and more patient with myself. It takes time to grow and to learn. And through God, I surely will.

606 · Apr 2013

Sweet Breaths

R Apr 2013

Sweet Breaths

I've seen you sleep;
Your breaths are
Sweet.

I hope you can
Remember how I feel
For you.

Your chest
It moves up and
           d
           o
          w
          n
Your breathing slows;
Do you know I'm
Watching?
Listening?
Breathing your exact breaths?

I hope you can
Remember how I feel
For you.

The air you exhale is
Hot,
Wet,
And sad.
What are you dreaming about?

I would hope that it's me but
You seem terrified of what you see.

I hope you can
Remember how I feel
For you
When I'm gone,
It's vital to how you'll
Live afterwards.

I'm not sure where this came from but idk, eh, just bored.

605 · Jun 2014

Alter-ego: Whore

R Jun 2014

Alter-ego: *****

I'd feel better if you knew the real me,
the ***** inside who only wants to show
herself to online
freaks.

Society wants me to show my ***, to feel carefree.
I liked the attention, after all, my daddy never gave me
any.

But, you respect me and my body.
Its confusing, what about my hands?
They wish to feel you, to feel myself.
But, instead we sit on your bed and listen
to vinyl and not to the sounds I wish to
hear you moan out loud.

My fingertips move towards you
and you could push me away.
I'd say "oh baby, don't be like that".
and you'd muster a giggle.
But, the thing you don't know is that
I am forever broken
and I can never be
repaired.

No amount of vinyl or moans could
fix the part of me that he broke--
my heart.

Maybe I'm too sexualized,
and maybe I'll always be this way,
but at least I'm somehow okay,
right?

I've started realizing that life is short-
and I am not ok with that.
I want to make history,
to be loved and known widely and deeply,
is that too much to ask for?

I'm a ***** for you, truth be told.
But, maybe you have also brought out the
deepest part of my soul that I
never ever believed still
existed.

I'm a ***** with my eyes,
my lips,
my hands,
and my heart,
and my mind,
and my soul.
Everything I am belongs to you
for as long as I may live.

not even sure what this is but i started writing about this alter ego i have and then i started blabbing on and on so feel free to make fun of my awful poem! lol maybe ill make this into a series... hmm.. any suggestions or comments??
oh and by the way, I'm a published poet now so yay!

605 · Sep 2013

Feeling //

R Sep 2013

Feeling //

One cut.
That's all she needs.
She craves the feeling
Once again.
She knows she
Might be getting better but
She can't help but feel like
One more cut
Might give her a
Boost.

602 · Apr 2014

Fake (actually Untitled but oh well)

R Apr 2014

Fake (actually Untitled but oh well)

Many of my poems used to be Gold but
now they are covered in fake metallic paint and unrealistic sequins.

What happened?

Call this whatever you'd like, I guess the word I'd use is "fake" but It all comes from my heart & mind... it's just harder to put it down into words now...

602 · May 2013

Doctor Who, why can't you be real?

R May 2013

Doctor Who, why can't you be real?

I have faith that
The Doctor might
Come and save me
Now.

If only he were
Real.

598 · Apr 2013

The Doctor is in

R Apr 2013

The Doctor is in

The Doctor a day
Keep the monsters away.

I told my sister this yesterday, thinking that she'd laugh but instead she started crying and told me that I really shouldn't joke like that. Um, number 1: I'm the one dealing with monsters. Number 2: you don't look up to the doctor like I do. And number 3: *******.

596 · Sep 2013

Man, I Wish...

R Sep 2013

Man, I Wish...

the same dream always occurs--
you and i
becoming one
entangling in our
love,
entangled in the
sheets.
you falling for the
passion i
have over the stars,
me falling for
you.

the way you lean
down to grab my
face and kiss my
lips so softly,
nothing can explain
the feeling.

i just wish i knew it.

595 · Apr 2014

Bloody daydreams

R Apr 2014

****** daydreams

My scars are quite visible today.
So is my main artery.
It scares me that I constantly wonder
What it would be like to
Push a blade far enough
To the point of no return.
Would they be able to save me?
Would I even let them do so?
Why would I want this?
I am not sure, to be honest.
I shouldn't do self-diagnosis but
I honestly believe I am quite crazy.
I believe I have social anxiety and
seasonal depression as well as
PTSD.

Maybe I should go get a checkup
Before I end up making my
****** dream come true.

595 · Mar 2015

FYI:

R Mar 2015

FYI:

not everything is about *you

but good thing you have someone as far up your *** as you are up his own. just like someone told me last night "they are perfect for each others egos and ******-ness, let them burn together" and at this point, i completely agree.

594 · Apr 2014

Love Facts #9

R Apr 2014

Love Facts #9

You know you're in
Love when she says
"goodnight" and
"I love you" and all
you wish to do is
pull her through the
screen and hold her
as close as possible,
just so she can feel the
warmth of your skin
and have the pleasure of
your heartbeat synchronizing
with hers.

I wish she could be next to me every night and day till the day I take my last breathe.

594 · Mar 2014

Lactose

R Mar 2014

Lactose

acid burning
stomach churning
lies left my teeth
tears fall from my
already stained
red eyes.

okay so my stomach is hurting so much and I might have lactose intolerance so yeah my tummy hurts and I've been crying due to it hurting and the lies part is about me saying I'm ok even though it hurts like a ***** ok ok bYe

594 · May 2013

James II

R May 2013

James II

I watched him
Rock his body back and
Forth.
Thinking of how he could
Easily destroy me.
Thinking of the
Tender kisses and the
Heated fingertips on my skin.
He closed his eyes,
Listening to the music he loved,
Thinking of nothing but
The beautiful sound.
But he turned his head,
Looked at me,
Put out his hands and
Pulled me gently towards him to
Share his love.

I was in his arms and
I felt like the world was finally
Okay.
I didn't feel the need to
Want my bestfriend nor
My teacher,
My handsome mentor.
I didn't feel the need to
Stop breathing.
Instead you gave me breath.

I want him to take off his shirt again and instead of just me having it for the night cause I was cold, we could share it. *sigh*
I'm not sure who or what I want anymore.

593 · Sep 2015

text messages:

R Sep 2015

text messages:

"I'm so excited for our wild time tonight??"
"Why's that?"
"I don't know...seeing and talking to you is fun and it makes me happy."
"It makes me happy too."
"Really?"
*"Yeah *really"

8:34pm
3 sept. 2015

592 · May 2013

Auntie Anglea

R May 2013

Auntie Anglea

she walked in,
***** in hand and
car keys in the other.
breath smelled like
cigarettes and
alchohol mixed.
smelled horrid,
and looked
just as bad.
she stumbled in
and said,
"i will **** him!"
and i believed her.

she has the bruises and
the marks to prove how
angry she should be.

look,
i understand.
i get how you feel.
its about time you
get the help you need and
tell someone instead
of keeping it in
like you did.
thats why you
finally blew
up.

588 · May 2013

Therapist 4

R May 2013

Therapist 4

Thank you for
Listening to me the whole hour.
We need more than an hour you said,
You think we should have
Two,
Even three.
I smiled at that thought,
It'd be nice.
You said that you do think I might be
Lesbian and that you
Accept me no matter what.
You told me you get it,
That you understand.
Man,
It's nice to not
Want death so much
In that one room
With you.

588 · Sep 2013

13w

R Sep 2013

13w

but, if the devil succeeds
then why do we get
punished in
hell?

588 · May 2013

My Hospital-like mind

R May 2013

My Hospital-like mind

White walls.
Straight jacket.
No windows.
cough
****, this place is bland.
Purple liquids.
Veins more blue.
Cuts healed.
sneeze
****, where am I?
Walls still white.
Still in a straight jacket.
Still no windows.
coughs again
****, this place is still bland!
More purple liquids.
More blue viens.
You can barely see my cuts--
sneezes again
****, I'm still here?

More days pass,
It feels like eternity.
I can't even
Eat without them
Thinking I'm going to
Open my cuts with a
Plastic knife.

I look at the salt less corn and
Sigh.
Will I ever leave my
Thoughts?

587 · Jun 2013

Girl Online

R Jun 2013

Girl Online

I reread your poems,
Your soft unspoken words that
Mean so much.
I don't even know you,
You girl of wonderfully
Beautiful yet
Dreadful stories.

I wish I could be the
One to cure your
Scary thoughts.

587 · Apr 2013

Well, it's kind of simple:

R Apr 2013

Well, it's kind of simple:

*******.

586 · Oct 2015

12w

R Oct 2015

12w

Let's just pretend we don't know each other; neither of us exists.

Sigh

585 · May 2015

Don't Forget

R May 2015

Don't Forget

Did you forget
That I was even alive?
Did you forget
Everything we ever had?
Did you forget?
Did you forget
About me?

Did you regret (did you regret)
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget (did you forget)
What we were feeling inside?
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand?
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
Please don't forget us

Somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us
(Don't forget)

Don't Forget//Demi Lovato
She was amazing in concert... I miss her

585 · Aug 2013

For real, why?

R Aug 2013

For real, why?

Maybe I'm crazy
But she she said she
Noticed it too.
The awkward silence
In the air as I
Past him in the
Hallway.

The way I looked
The other way while
He watched me
Go by.

Why can't we just
Talk again
Instead of acting like
Children?

583 · Jul 2013

Happy (Not Done)

R Jul 2013

Happy (Not Done)

I'm never really happy,
I smile here and
Crack a joke there.
But I'm never really
happy.

It's like water is in
Front of me but it
Won't let me
Drink it,
Like music is being
Played but I
Cannot hear
It.

I'm trying to hold
On but my
Hands keep on
Slipping
And the thoughts keep
On coming but
No one feels like
Listening.

I'll try to be
Happy
But I
Can't promise you
That.

582 · Apr 2013

Therapist 2

R Apr 2013

Therapist 2

Well,
I went to her.
I layed down on the sofa and
She took me in immediately.
I told her my problems and
She listened.
Best part was:
She never told me I was wrong.

582 · Nov 2015

As You Are

R Nov 2015

As You Are

Even though you'll break my heart, I'll still take you as you are.

581 · Mar 2015

Sarcasm noted

R Mar 2015

Sarcasm noted

"Y'all are such a great team!"

Yeah and that's why we couldn't save our relationship.

581 · Nov 2013

11/8/13

R Nov 2013

11/8/13

i don't like being still.
i like moving around,
making noise and
doing things.

i physically can't be
lazy anymore.
i can't stand the thought of
not being productive,
i hate doing nothing.

im not sure if this makes me
a hardworker or if this is
the only other way i know
how to cope with everything.

i just push everything to the
side and do a bunch of work.
constantly pushing myself into
stressful situations until i scream because
i like the feeling of being productive and
being someone my parents and teachers
are proud of and i dont know,
i guess thats better than cutting but
what if the stress becomes so much that
i can't handle it anymore and
then i go back to the
blades even worse
than before?

he told me that he was proud
of how well i've been doing but
i can't help but think that
its a lie and he could really just
care less about me,
just like my parents do.

578 · Jun 2013

Prince or Princess?

R Jun 2013

Prince or Princess?

i'm alone right now,
blogging and writing about
my daily life.
right now,
i feel like Cinderella.
i'm cleaning the
floors and i'm
crying over the fact i
can't be with my
prince.

but, in reality
he isn't a prince.
he's a teacher.
and in reality,
i don't really want to
be with him anyways,
right?

would it be correct to say that
i actually would like a
princess instead?

578 · Mar 2014

Untitled

R Mar 2014

Untitled

Death to me is a scary but
normal thought in my head.
I feel unreal when someone
mentions that I will not be
alive in a billion years when
so many things could be
happening.

Death is unreal to me.
When someone I know dies it
differs in my brain as to
how I react.
Sometimes I will do nothing for
days on end and I'll just sit
in my sadness and tell myself
that the world has ended.
Other times I go on like
nothing is wrong.

My panic attacks usually
set in when I think things are
getting good again.
I feel lost and unreal
and I start to panic
in many, many ways.

Is that music is my head or
actual music playing?
Is someone talking?
Where? Aren't I alone?
My vision is blurry
my heart is racing
my mind is going
i n s a n e.

Sometimes it is a bit worse.
I start attacking my heart.
The things I love= gone.
None of it matter.
She never loved you
What do you mean?
Your family hates you
Why would they?
You aren't pretty
But I was told several times today that I was.

Life feels unreal
and so does
everything
else.

(i plan on redoing this one bc i rushed it. i just need to get this thought down somewhere,)

577 · May 2013

Left for Death

R May 2013

Left for Death

I'm breathing.
I'm breathing
In
And out.
Slowly.
Smells like mint,
Probably from my toothpaste.

I look at the water that flows,
Not water?
It's thicker.
It's darker.
It's redder.
It's blood.

I didn't cut though,
What happened?
Well,
you see,
My heart was ripped from my
Chest and was
Left out to bleed.

*again.

*sigh*
I'm so tired.

577 · Sep 2013

Wrong

R Sep 2013

Wrong

please:
youve hurt my heart
and even though you
didn't mean to make me
feel this way,
you did.

i know you had
no intention of
hurting me but
its my fault really:
i let my feelings
drive me.

my feelings drove me to
want the world again.
they drove so far as to
actually make me do well again,
and to care about things.
they drove me so far as to
think i actually had a
chance.

well, ****,
i was so
wrong.