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R Jul 2015
And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don't want me

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependent
I'm such a fool

When you're not there,
I find myself singing the blues.
Can't bear,
Can't face the truth

You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."
615 · Mar 2013
Innocence
R Mar 2013
There was once a rose
With very many petals
It was always caring,
Always very special.

One night on a Saturday,
She decided to settle.
She gave up herself,
And suddenly lost a petal.

She looked up at God,
Even asked him why.
But nobody answered,
Nobody replied.

She settled some more,
The sins kept on adding.
The petals kept on falling,
Slowly subtracting.

In the end, there was one,
Barely anything left.
She gave her last petal,
Robbed of innocence, it was theft.

She didn't realize,
What had been done.
Until he left her alone,
It wasn't very fun.

There once was a rose,
With very many petals.
She gave them all up,
Now she's not special.
614 · Feb 2014
Untitled
R Feb 2014
i almost cried earlier because
for some **** reason,
church reminds me of
all the bad things that have
ever happened to me.

is that normal?

i thought church was
supposed to lift you up
because God loves you,
right?

i know he does...
but why do i constantly
need a reminder that i am
not worthy of such love?
just some thoughts about earlier today at school in church....hmm....
614 · May 2013
Girl at Baseball Game x3
R May 2013
I wish to see your
Face again,
That eyes that
Make me flutter.
I wish to see your
Face again,
And this time not
Say words that stutter.
614 · Jul 2013
They hate gays, go figure
R Jul 2013
she told me that
     my parents are ignorant *******.
that I deserved better.
    that I needed support.

it's true. I do.
because maybe if I knew who
     I was then this
hell wouldn't be so bad

because I'd be able to have
       *You.
613 · Feb 2014
Romeo and Juliet
R Feb 2014
you are like Balthasar
getting into business
that isn't yours
and running around without
asking permission.
taking information
into your own hands.
civil blood makes civil hands
unclean
and i know that you think
that it was right.
it would seem that
your mind is distorted
and you do not know
left from right.

stop being Balthasar.
everyone loathes him,
and if Romeo would not have
been blinded by his feelings
I'm sure he would see as
i do now.
just something i thought of earlier while watching Romeo and Juliet. has no meaning, i just really hated Balthasar lol.
R Aug 2013
I couldn't look at him cause
Of the thoughts running through
My mind of how I
Just want to get on top of him and
Make out with him so fiercely and
To just unbutton his shirt and
Unzip his pants and
Never get my math
Work done because
We're to busy
On his
Desk.
R Apr 2013
You're my Best-friend,
Not my lover.

But it always seems to be more than that.
609 · May 2013
Trying
R May 2013
It's cold and
Your shirt is still
On me.
Everyone is screaming and
Jumping and I'm
Still stuck in the moment.
The music is blaring and
I'm still watching you.

But I'm laying in a
Hotel room,
Alone,
And trying not to scream.
607 · Apr 2013
Skylar, this one's for you.
R Apr 2013
I can't seem to find the words for
When I look into your eyes.
The perfect blue and
Gray blends together,
To form something
Beautiful.

I see your wrists
And I smile.
You've been through so
Much.
I'm glad to have helped if
I have.
Even though seeing you
Sad
Makes me unhappy,
I know that in some way
You've become stronger.
I can see it in the way your
Cuts have healed,
And In the way you
Talk,
Smile,
Laugh,
Cry.

Everything you do shows you've become
Stronger
Than yesterday.

If I kissed your scars,
Would you turn away?
I want to show you how much I
Care for you,
Even if it's just as a friend.

I love you so much,
And I mean it dear.
I can't be with you but,
Our furture as friends will be eternal.
R May 2013
You feel the need to
Make me feel okay.
Why?
I'm nothing.
602 · May 2013
I'm not ready
R May 2013
It's funny,
Never being enough.
I look in the mirror and
Laugh.
Ew, I hate my
Legs
Stomach
Throat
So much I could just
Glide a knife and slit
It right off.
Maybe if I go
Far enough I won't
Feel a thing.
But the sad part is
I feel too much.
I would stop eating but
I don't have enough willpower.
I would put a knife to my wrist but
I'm trying to be strong for y'all.
I would put a gun to my head and pull the trigger but
I'm not ready to go.
600 · Feb 2014
7:26
R Feb 2014
sorry that I want so much
but I can't help but love
the way your legs tense up
when I go to the place you love so much.
600 · May 2013
First Class Bitch
R May 2013
You know what I noticed?
If she was still in your life
We wouldn't have made our plans.
You'd still want to live with her and
Such.
And our travel plans and
Apartment living wouldn't even
exist.
Think about that for a second.
I personally think that
You just moved onto the
Next best thing.
Well sorry honey,
I'm not second place material.
I'm first class and I deserve
To be happy.

But for some reason,
I still believe that's where my happiness comes from.
*You.
This was harsh and uncalled for.... Sorry.
599 · Sep 2013
Feeling //
R Sep 2013
One cut.
That's all she needs.
She craves the feeling
Once again.
She knows she
Might be getting better but
She can't help but feel like
One more cut
Might give her a
Boost.
599 · Sep 2013
w10
R Sep 2013
w10
she said its
love
because my
heart
aches for
you.
596 · Apr 2013
Sweet Breaths
R Apr 2013
I've seen you sleep;
Your breaths are
Sweet.

I hope you can
Remember how I feel
For you.

Your chest
It moves up and
           d
           o
          w
          n
Your breathing slows;
Do you know I'm
Watching?
Listening?
Breathing your exact breaths?

I hope you can
Remember how I feel
For you.

The air you exhale is
Hot,
Wet,
And sad.
What are you dreaming about?

I would hope that it's me but
You seem terrified of what you see.

I hope you can
Remember how I feel
For you
When I'm gone,
It's vital to how you'll
Live afterwards.
I'm not sure where this came from but idk, eh, just bored.
595 · Nov 2015
taurus
R Nov 2015
the last time I felt like someone cared about me was when
we were on my bed,
laughing and rolling around and
being so close to one another.
you were trying (notice I said trying)
to tickle me and you failed miserably.
you somehow ended up on top of me and
then your warm, tender hand (the right one, specifically)
ended up holding me by my waist and
you slowly made your way up to my face as you
caressed my cheek.
you leaned down slowly to kiss me and that was the last time I
know someone cared about me.

I feel like I'm all alone in the world because I'm slowly, but surely, being
forced to shut myself out from it.
trust me, it's not something that I want to do.
but it's something that I have to do, because if I don't then
things will just continue to get worse and
I just simply cannot afford anymore heartbreak.

everyone is dead. well, not everyone.
but most of us are.
we're just walking corpses waiting for Death to take us away
from this Hell we call Earth.

*aren't we?
"taurus: when is the last time you felt like someone cared
about you? why is it that you feel like you're all alone in
this world? where has everyone gone?"
Inspired by my horoscope that lulu put on here.
(and I took this "caring" to be of the romantic variety. my friends and my family love and care about me, and I can think of a million ways and stories to write about, but I specifically wanted to do a romantic one because those moments don't happen as much and I have to cherish them while I can.)
(and heartbreak comes in many different forms. This is about all the forms of heartbreak.)
592 · Jun 2014
Alter-ego: Whore
R Jun 2014
I'd feel better if you knew the real me,
the ***** inside who only wants to show
herself to online
freaks.

Society wants me to show my ***, to feel carefree.
I liked the attention, after all, my daddy never gave me
any.

But, you respect me and my body.
Its confusing, what about my hands?
They wish to feel you, to feel myself.
But, instead we sit on your bed and listen
to vinyl and not to the sounds I wish to
hear you moan out loud.

My fingertips move towards you
and you could push me away.
I'd say "oh baby, don't be like that".
and you'd muster a giggle.
But, the thing you don't know is that
I am forever broken
and I can never be
repaired.

No amount of vinyl or moans could
fix the part of me that he broke--
my heart.

Maybe I'm too sexualized,
and maybe I'll always be this way,
but at least I'm somehow okay,
right?

I've started realizing that life is short-
and I am not ok with that.
I want to make history,
to be loved and known widely and deeply,
is that too much to ask for?

I'm a ***** for you, truth be told.
But, maybe you have also brought out the
deepest part of my soul that I
never ever believed still
existed.

I'm a ***** with my eyes,
my lips,
my hands,
and my heart,
and my mind,
and my soul.
Everything I am belongs to you
for as long as I may live.
not even sure what this is but i started writing about this alter ego i have and then i started blabbing on and on so feel free to make fun of my awful poem! lol maybe ill make this into a series... hmm.. any suggestions or comments??
oh and by the way, I'm a published poet now so yay!
R Apr 2014
Many of my poems used to be Gold but
now they are covered in fake metallic paint and unrealistic sequins.

What happened?
Call this whatever you'd like, I guess the word I'd use is "fake" but It all comes from my heart & mind... it's just harder to put it down into words now...
591 · Mar 2014
Photos
R Mar 2014
I've never been much of a photographer
but it seems that every photo I take of her
from any angle or lighting or background
seems to level with her beauty.

if the sun shines behind her
it brightens up her
already porcelain skin
and creates this unbelievable
contrast of lights
and even darks.

I may not be a photographer
but you are my inspiration to
write, read, smile, make memories,
and even to live.

you are a piece of art,
and your beauty deserves
to shine.
mhmmm sweet Leigh...
R May 2013
I have faith that
The Doctor might
Come and save me
Now.

If only he were
Real.
590 · Sep 2013
Man, I Wish...
R Sep 2013
the same dream always occurs--
you and i
becoming one
entangling in our
love,
entangled in the
sheets.
you falling for the
passion i
have over the stars,
me falling for
you.

the way you lean
down to grab my
face and kiss my
lips so softly,
nothing can explain
the feeling.

i just wish i knew it.
590 · Dec 2015
Another Day
R Dec 2015
There's something about sweat dripping down my forehead
and the feeling of blood running through my veins
that makes me glad that I'm alive
and able to live another day.
I motivate myself
But I can't say that I don't have help from others.
I pushed myself a lot yesterday and today and was frustrated due to my failure (even though it wasn't a failure, but in my mind anything less than is a failure). I have to learn to be grateful and more patient with myself. It takes time to grow and to learn. And through God, I surely will.
R Mar 2013
You wrote about
Her

How you wanted her.

Why can't she be mine? you ask.

Well,
Truth be told.
If you were talking about me
I'd grab you by the waist
Stop you mid sentence
And kiss you.




First: I'd kiss your
Lips
(Not the ones down below, that's for later my dear)
Second: I'd let my hands gradually fall down to your hips
And BAM!
I'd squeeze.
Third: I'd kiss your
Neck
And nuzzle my face
Inbetween the crook.
Fourth: I'd whisper i love you over and over again
Until we reach the bedroom.
Fifth: That's when the real
Love making begins.

We'd be slow, passionate at
First.
Then we'd gradually start to try new,
******,
Intense,
Things.
We'd
Touch,
Pound,
Stare,
Our mouths would
Moan,
Water,
Kiss,
Sigh,
In satifaction.
Oh the things we could do.

But, you don't want that.
It's understandable.
I'm fine with it, really.

I'll just have to get over it, you
And find someone to experience this
With.
589 · Apr 2013
The Doctor is in
R Apr 2013
The Doctor a day
Keep the monsters away.
I told my sister this yesterday, thinking that she'd laugh but instead she started crying and told me that I really shouldn't joke like that. Um, number 1: I'm the one dealing with monsters. Number 2: you don't look up to the doctor like I do. And number 3: *******.
586 · Sep 2015
text messages:
R Sep 2015
"I'm so excited for our wild time tonight??"
"Why's that?"
"I don't know...seeing and talking to you is fun and it makes me happy."
"It makes me happy too."
"Really?"
*"Yeah *really"
8:34pm
3 sept. 2015
585 · Apr 2014
Bloody daydreams
R Apr 2014
My scars are quite visible today.
So is my main artery.
It scares me that I constantly wonder
What it would be like to
Push a blade far enough
To the point of no return.
Would they be able to save me?
Would I even let them do so?
Why would I want this?
I am not sure, to be honest.
I shouldn't do self-diagnosis but
I honestly believe I am quite crazy.
I believe I have social anxiety and
seasonal depression as well as
PTSD.

Maybe I should go get a checkup
Before I end up making my
****** dream come true.
582 · May 2013
My Hospital-like mind
R May 2013
White walls.
Straight jacket.
No windows.
cough
****, this place is bland.
Purple liquids.
Veins more blue.
Cuts healed.
sneeze
****, where am I?
Walls still white.
Still in a straight jacket.
Still no windows.
coughs again
****, this place is still bland!
More purple liquids.
More blue viens.
You can barely see my cuts--
sneezes again
****, I'm still here?

More days pass,
It feels like eternity.
I can't even
Eat without them
Thinking I'm going to
Open my cuts with a
Plastic knife.

I look at the salt less corn and
Sigh.
Will I ever leave my
Thoughts?
581 · May 2013
James II
R May 2013
I watched him
Rock his body back and
Forth.
Thinking of how he could
Easily destroy me.
Thinking of the
Tender kisses and the
Heated fingertips on my skin.
He closed his eyes,
Listening to the music he loved,
Thinking of nothing but
The beautiful sound.
But he turned his head,
Looked at me,
Put out his hands and
Pulled me gently towards him to
Share his love.

I was in his arms and
I felt like the world was finally
Okay.
I didn't feel the need to
Want my bestfriend nor
My teacher,
My handsome mentor.
I didn't feel the need to
Stop breathing.
Instead you gave me breath.
I want him to take off his shirt again and instead of just me having it for the night cause I was cold, we could share it. *sigh*
I'm not sure who or what I want anymore.
580 · Mar 2015
FYI:
R Mar 2015
not everything is about *you
but good thing you have someone as far up your *** as you are up his own. just like someone told me last night "they are perfect for each others egos and ******-ness, let them burn together" and at this point, i completely agree.
580 · Mar 2014
Lactose
R Mar 2014
acid burning
stomach churning
lies left my teeth
tears fall from my
already stained
red eyes.
okay so my stomach is hurting so much and I might have lactose intolerance so yeah my tummy hurts and I've been crying due to it hurting and the lies part is about me saying I'm ok even though it hurts like a ***** ok ok bYe
579 · Sep 2013
13w
R Sep 2013
13w
but, if the devil succeeds
then why do we get
punished in
hell?
579 · May 2013
Therapist 4
R May 2013
Thank you for
Listening to me the whole hour.
We need more than an hour you said,
You think we should have
Two,
Even three.
I smiled at that thought,
It'd be nice.
You said that you do think I might be
Lesbian and that you
Accept me no matter what.
You told me you get it,
That you understand.
Man,
It's nice to not
Want death so much
In that one room
With you.
577 · Apr 2014
Love Facts #9
R Apr 2014
You know you're in
Love when she says
"goodnight" and
"I love you" and all
you wish to do is
pull her through the
screen and hold her
as close as possible,
just so she can feel the
warmth of your skin
and have the pleasure of
your heartbeat synchronizing
with hers.
I wish she could be next to me every night and day till the day I take my last breathe.
576 · Apr 2013
Therapist 2
R Apr 2013
Well,
I went to her.
I layed down on the sofa and
She took me in immediately.
I told her my problems and
She listened.
Best part was:
She never told me I was wrong.
574 · Oct 2015
12w
R Oct 2015
12w
Let's just pretend we don't know each other; neither of us exists.
Sigh
574 · May 2013
Auntie Anglea
R May 2013
she walked in,
***** in hand and
car keys in the other.
breath smelled like
cigarettes and
alchohol mixed.
smelled horrid,
and looked
just as bad.
she stumbled in
and said,
"i will **** him!"
and i believed her.

she has the bruises and
the marks to prove how
angry she should be.

look,
i understand.
i get how you feel.
its about time you
get the help you need and
tell someone instead
of keeping it in
like you did.
thats why you
finally blew
up.
574 · Mar 2015
Sarcasm noted
R Mar 2015
"Y'all are such a great team!"

Yeah and that's why we couldn't save our relationship.
573 · Aug 2013
For real, why?
R Aug 2013
Maybe I'm crazy
But she she said she
Noticed it too.
The awkward silence
In the air as I
Past him in the
Hallway.

The way I looked
The other way while
He watched me
Go by.

Why can't we just
Talk again
Instead of acting like
Children?
571 · Jul 2013
Happy (Not Done)
R Jul 2013
I'm never really happy,
I smile here and
Crack a joke there.
But I'm never really
happy.

It's like water is in
Front of me but it
Won't let me
Drink it,
Like music is being
Played but I
Cannot hear
It.

I'm trying to hold
On but my
Hands keep on
Slipping
And the thoughts keep
On coming but
No one feels like
Listening.

I'll try to be
Happy
But I
Can't promise you
That.
571 · May 2013
Left for Death
R May 2013
I'm breathing.
I'm breathing
In
And out.
Slowly.
Smells like mint,
Probably from my toothpaste.

I look at the water that flows,
Not water?
It's thicker.
It's darker.
It's redder.
It's blood.

I didn't cut though,
What happened?
Well,
you see,
My heart was ripped from my
Chest and was
Left out to bleed.

*again.
*sigh*
I'm so tired.
570 · Nov 2015
As You Are
R Nov 2015
Even though you'll break my heart, I'll still take you as you are.
569 · Sep 2013
Wrong
R Sep 2013
please:
youve hurt my heart
and even though you
didn't mean to make me
feel this way,
you did.

i know you had
no intention of
hurting me but
its my fault really:
i let my feelings
drive me.

my feelings drove me to
want the world again.
they drove so far as to
actually make me do well again,
and to care about things.
they drove me so far as to
think i actually had a
chance.

well, ****,
i was so
wrong.
R May 2013
Hey Mrs.R,
I just wanted to say
Thanks and all.

This will be my last poem on here for the summer.

Oh my wonderful poets,
Keep writing! I plan to come back and see
More beautiful poems and stories, okay?

Goodbye,
I'll be back soon.
567 · Mar 2014
Untitled
R Mar 2014
Death to me is a scary but
normal thought in my head.
I feel unreal when someone
mentions that I will not be
alive in a billion years when
so many things could be
happening.

Death is unreal to me.
When someone I know dies it
differs in my brain as to
how I react.
Sometimes I will do nothing for
days on end and I'll just sit
in my sadness and tell myself
that the world has ended.
Other times I go on like
nothing is wrong.

My panic attacks usually
set in when I think things are
getting good again.
I feel lost and unreal
and I start to panic
in many, many ways.

Is that music is my head or
actual music playing?
Is someone talking?
Where? Aren't I alone?
My vision is blurry
my heart is racing
my mind is going
i   n   s    a    n     e.

Sometimes it is a bit worse.
I start attacking my heart.
The things I love= gone.
None of it matter.
She never loved you
What do you mean?
Your family hates you
Why would they?
You aren't pretty
But I was told several times today that I was.

Life feels unreal
and so does
everything
else.
(i plan on redoing this one bc i rushed it. i just need to get this thought down somewhere,)
567 · Jun 2013
Prince or Princess?
R Jun 2013
i'm alone right now,
blogging and writing about
my daily life.
right now,
i feel like Cinderella.
i'm cleaning the
floors and i'm
crying over the fact i
can't be with my
prince.

but, in reality
he isn't a prince.
he's a teacher.
and in reality,
i don't really want to
be with him anyways,
right?

would it be correct to say that
i actually would like a
princess instead?
R Apr 2013
My friend asked me
"What would you have done if she'd gone?"
I sighed, played with my food for a second, and then sighed again.
"Rachel, what would you have done? Would you **** yourself as well?"
I looked up at her from my plate and the tears started flowing.
"I don't think I'd be able to live anymore, with that guilt, with the pain. I feel like life wouldn't go on without her here."

She sighed and told me she wouldn't have the guts to do the same.
I told her I think I wouldn't have the courage at first, but then I'd
Live with the pain too long and
Finally just *crack.
567 · May 2015
Don't Forget
R May 2015
Did you forget
That I was even alive?
Did you forget
Everything we ever had?
Did you forget?
Did you forget
About me?

Did you regret (did you regret)
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget (did you forget)
What we were feeling inside?
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand?
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
Please don't forget us

Somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us
(Don't forget)
Don't Forget//Demi Lovato
She was amazing in concert... I miss her
566 · Nov 2013
11/8/13
R Nov 2013
i don't like being still.
i like moving around,
making noise and
doing things.

i physically can't be
lazy anymore.
i can't stand the thought of
not being productive,
i hate doing nothing.

im not sure if this makes me
a hardworker or if this is
the only other way i know
how to cope with everything.

i just push everything to the
side and do a bunch of work.
constantly pushing myself into
stressful situations until i scream because
i like the feeling of being productive and
being someone my parents and teachers
are proud of and i dont know,
i guess thats better than cutting but
what if the stress becomes so much that
i can't handle it anymore and
then i go back to the
blades even worse
than before?

he told me that he was proud
of how well i've been doing but
i can't help but think that
its a lie and he could really just
care less about me,
just like my parents do.
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