I let myself eat today
because she watched
my careful bites.
If she wouldn't have been
I probably would've just
stared down at my plate
feeling the twists and
twinges of pain inside
of my body as I
lick my lips.

I like this feeling because
I can control it
and nobody can shove food
down my mouth because
you wouldn't be able to tell
if I've eaten or not
and until I get to that point again
*I don't think I'll ever stop.

And that's what I believe that you always deserved--someone who would love you regardless of your scars. It's what we all deserve. It's a lot like the love that God shows us. That's what you deserve. And now? Oh darling, it's what you have. Please, just cherish it. Love with everything you have. Let this Love become a part of you, because it's pure and beautiful and you deserve to be happy. Just Love with every fiber of your being. Love is the only hope we have left anymore.

Living doesn't suit you.

and I am truly sorry, my dear. If there is anything I can do to help, please do not hesitate to ask. I love you.

You know nothing.

Well, lets see.
When the person you absolutely love and adore
goes away to ******* space camp and decides
that teasing Australian boys is better than
staying faithful to your loving girlfriend
of almost ******* 6 months
then you know that
you have truly felt
your heart
being                            r                        i   p          p   e       d
out of your chest and
wanting death more
than you ever have since
a year ago.

But that's the thing:
You don't have to
worry about me.
I am completely
capable of handling
every **** thing
that goes wrong
in my life and
I would really
just appreciate it
if you would
shut the **** up.

I can't stop singing.

that I'm still alive

You never close your arms
except for I need them.

he's just a temporary home, a hotel room at most, not a permanent stay.
he's not really the kind of guy i'd want to marry someday.

would art help me tame this beast or only add fuel to the fury in my fire?

I love you.

It's time to say goodbye.
All I want is silence.
I think it is for the best,
and so do they.
Go on and live your life,
and I'll live mine too.
If the stars wish for us to meet again,
then we will.
But I will not keep playing this game anymore,
So this is goodbye.

"He talked about you all night when we got back to the dorms."
I thought for a second before I replied with a giddy sounding, "Me?"
He laughed and said, "Yes, of course YOU! Y'all talked till lights out and
he couldn't stop saying you were beautiful! Who else would I be talking about?"
I smiled at the thought of him talking to his best friend at two in morning about me as the stars gleamed outside of his window onto his beautifully tanned face.
"So I'm guessing there's something more to come, yeah?" I asked you nervously.
You waited for bit before replying, "I've never seen him like this about a girl before...I'm pretty sure that there's definitely more to come, especially since he can't keep his eyes off of you nor stop talking about you. I guess you'll just have to see."

Even though the future is unclear, I plan on taking whatever is to come one day at a time, and maybe even enjoying these days to come with you. Who knows?

if i'm alive one more day i'll be able to see the people who make life worth living

the feeling of an IV going into your vein is
quite extraordinary, you know.
they said i asked so many questions before i went under.
it's a nervous tick, something i use to distract myself.
i asked what that number meant,
what that needle contained,
what's the name of my anesthetic,
and so on.
up until i fell into my slumber,
i asked so many questions.

as the nice lady said,
"get ready, you'll really feel this one."
i smiled and said,
"finally, it's about time."
and all i remember is the colors of the painting
on the wall in front of me
mixing together till
everything went
black.

I am a divine creation, a piece of God. How could I ever be undeserving?

your tongue felt like fire and i thought i was ready to burn

you say you know love, but you are just reflecting words you hear.

I'm always so worried about you
and I always want to know how you are
and I just care about you so tenderly...
I just want you to be safe.

The darkness is creeping back inside of me
and nudging me back to the edge,
I want to be where I ought to be,
but my soul is not something that
you can just fetch.

I'm used to hiding, but this is just
completely new.
I'm in love and I'm not sure of
what to do.
She has eyes like summer
and skin that glistens.
And a touch so light,
and ears that listen.

But, I get sad during this time.
I even remember my therapist telling me
that I most likely had seasonal depression,
that I could only be helped with
medicine and love.
My parents won't give me medicine,
but my girlfriend and friends
can give me love.

I guess I'll try my best to stay happy,
but its just so hard sometimes.

There always is a reason to stay alive, even if it's just for one more day.

so much pain, pain pain...

im scratching at my wrists, worrying like i never have before.

"I gave everything I had and it still wasn't wanted."

every part of my body begs me not to care,
but my head just can't stop spinning and spinning and spinning and--

i wish i could be selfish and heartless.
im sick of caring.

i might be able to see the way the sun graces your face in the wee morning hours and that makes me want to breathe again

What will mend a broken heart?
Many gifts in place of the ones you gave?
Or maybe some leftover pieces I can save?
Or maybe a kiss, a brand new start?

What will take the pain away?
Pills, no food, or even a knife?
What about thoughts of the endless strife?
Maybe even words that you could say?

What will make me smile again?
A kiss, a hug, maybe some love today?
Maybe a new heart to break and play?
Or maybe even something as simple as a friend?

What will make this torture diminish?
What is a soul when you're missing half?
Why can't I just chuckle and laugh?
Will this feeling ever be gone or finish?

What will make you see me again?
Can you still feel my pain deep down inside?
I can still see you, because you cannot hide.
Will we ever be able to make amends?

What do you want me to do about this?
Would you rather me wither and die?
Or would you what to see me succeed and fly?
Everything I have done has gone awry and amiss...

I just want to be happy, but it's so hard to do.
Can't you see that I'm trying to go?
But you were the only real love I know.
Probably just because I'm still in love with you.

doing all of that with you made me realize what i want more than anything in this world right now: to be *alone

I noticed that the only way I eat is around my friends.
And they don't notice that I count every bite.
Or that I chew slowly.
Or that it's very hard to listen when
all I can think about is the way
food feels as it burns down my
throat.

im so convinced that
your lips were never meant to
be graced with mine
and yet here i am again
sitting on your lap and
letting you
kiss
my neck and
grab parts of me that
don't belong to
you.

i guess the thing is...
they don't belong to me
either.

And everything would be easier if I were dead.
But as for it being better?
Well, maybe even that, too.

and I've always been obsessed with immortality,
but the thought of it now sort of sickens me.
why would I want to feel this pain forever?
why would I want to watch everyone around me die
while I continue to live?
and for what would I live for?
what would I do?
why have I been so obsessed with an immortal body
when I can't even keep you?

love those who do not put anxiety in your heart

I was falling, but I was stopped right in my tracks.
Guess it's better than falling and not being able to go back.

every time I shower, they watch me.
they watch me as I scrub away my mistakes
and whatever I did the night before
also, the marks
and the bruises
and maybe even, no, defintley, the blood that
trails down my body.
they smirk and laugh
as I attempt to cry.
but they know that there are no tears left
inside of my lifeless body anymore.
they speak soothing letters.
almost like soft purrs of k's, i's, l's, m's, and b's.
weird combination,
I know.
but that's what they say.
they spit their foul letters at me as they spell out
words across my naked body,
saying the same **** things
over and over and over and over
again.
they know me like I know the numbers now.
they watch the trail of blood and
they kindly accept the inevitable:
I will probably die in front of them one day.
the same place that has become my hope,
my love, my fear, my ecstasy.
the faces mock me.
but the thing is,
they don't even know that they're the ones who are
stuck in the marble, not me.
I can get out at any time.
I can walk out,
dry off,
and fall into a bright day
and a quiet night.
they can't walk away.
they can't hide.
they can't change.
but me?
well...I'd say I'm ever-growing, ever-changing,
into the one I'm supposed to be.
the one I'm meant to be.
the faces can smirk and laugh all they want,
but I'm not the one who is stuck anymore.

I could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve him.

"Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph."