i had been saved just 18 days before
you walked into my life.
it was like God sent me my own angel
from up above!

Will you control this power, or will you let it control *you?

you're so smooth and i'm so rough
all of these rough edges will cut someone one day
and i won't be alive to help stitch them up

Living doesn't suit you.

and you have me giggling like a little girl and smiling till I cannot smile anymore.

i noticed that
all of the thing ive done
for you
have been out of
pure love.

i should probably
stop that,
its getting me
nowhere.

I am a divine creation, a piece of God. How could I ever be undeserving?

" I gave you a part of my soul"

disgust, guilt for feeling disgusted, and certainty that we'd never be able to put this back together-- even if we tried.

I can't stop singing.

whatever belief i had in love is gone.
so really, thank you for showing me the light.
true love is a myth.
and so is everything else that was "good"
in this world.

All of the times spilled out of my mouth like ink on a page and I couldn't have been more embarrassed nor more relieved in my entire life.

and I expected nothing more and nothing less of you

I'd go to the edge of the universe if it meant that I would be able to show you just how beautiful you absolutely are.

You know nothing.

and I am truly sorry, my dear. If there is anything I can do to help, please do not hesitate to ask. I love you.

Well, lets see.
When the person you absolutely love and adore
goes away to ******* space camp and decides
that teasing Australian boys is better than
staying faithful to your loving girlfriend
of almost ******* 6 months
then you know that
you have truly felt
your heart
being                            r                        i   p          p   e       d
out of your chest and
wanting death more
than you ever have since
a year ago.

And everything would be easier if I were dead.
But as for it being better?
Well, maybe even that, too.

your tongue felt like fire and i thought i was ready to burn

I could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve him.

if i'm alive one more day i'll be able to see the people who make life worth living

every time I shower, they watch me.
they watch me as I scrub away my mistakes
and whatever I did the night before
also, the marks
and the bruises
and maybe even, no, defintley, the blood that
trails down my body.
they smirk and laugh
as I attempt to cry.
but they know that there are no tears left
inside of my lifeless body anymore.
they speak soothing letters.
almost like soft purrs of k's, i's, l's, m's, and b's.
weird combination,
I know.
but that's what they say.
they spit their foul letters at me as they spell out
words across my naked body,
saying the same **** things
over and over and over and over
again.
they know me like I know the numbers now.
they watch the trail of blood and
they kindly accept the inevitable:
I will probably die in front of them one day.
the same place that has become my hope,
my love, my fear, my ecstasy.
the faces mock me.
but the thing is,
they don't even know that they're the ones who are
stuck in the marble, not me.
I can get out at any time.
I can walk out,
dry off,
and fall into a bright day
and a quiet night.
they can't walk away.
they can't hide.
they can't change.
but me?
well...I'd say I'm ever-growing, ever-changing,
into the one I'm supposed to be.
the one I'm meant to be.
the faces can smirk and laugh all they want,
but I'm not the one who is stuck anymore.

this doesn't count as self-harm, right?

I know the difference between love and lust, trust me, i do.
But we have to stop talking about love like its the only feeling
you're allowed to have.
Maybe I want a little fun, a little adventure, a little... Lust.
Maybe I want neither, and I just want to explore who I am attracted to.
Maybe I do want love, but just not from you anymore.
Whatever it may be, we need to stop pretending like love is the only feeling you're allowed to have.
I think then we will begin to be truthful to ourselves and our feelings.

I love you.

the night sky just isn't the same anymore.

and it's getting cold, baby, I want your hot hands on me.

But that's the thing:
You don't have to
worry about me.
I am completely
capable of handling
every **** thing
that goes wrong
in my life and
I would really
just appreciate it
if you would
shut the **** up.

The darkness is creeping back inside of me
and nudging me back to the edge,
I want to be where I ought to be,
but my soul is not something that
you can just fetch.

I'm used to hiding, but this is just
completely new.
I'm in love and I'm not sure of
what to do.
She has eyes like summer
and skin that glistens.
And a touch so light,
and ears that listen.

But, I get sad during this time.
I even remember my therapist telling me
that I most likely had seasonal depression,
that I could only be helped with
medicine and love.
My parents won't give me medicine,
but my girlfriend and friends
can give me love.

I guess I'll try my best to stay happy,
but its just so hard sometimes.

and soon enough, i'll be gone. you'll be gone. we'll all be gone.
i thank God everyday for the art of moving on.

"He talked about you all night when we got back to the dorms."
I thought for a second before I replied with a giddy sounding, "Me?"
He laughed and said, "Yes, of course YOU! Y'all talked till lights out and
he couldn't stop saying you were beautiful! Who else would I be talking about?"
I smiled at the thought of him talking to his best friend at two in morning about me as the stars gleamed outside of his window onto his beautifully tanned face.
"So I'm guessing there's something more to come, yeah?" I asked you nervously.
You waited for bit before replying, "I've never seen him like this about a girl before...I'm pretty sure that there's definitely more to come, especially since he can't keep his eyes off of you nor stop talking about you. I guess you'll just have to see."

Even though the future is unclear, I plan on taking whatever is to come one day at a time, and maybe even enjoying these days to come with you. Who knows?

that I'm still alive

"I gave everything I had and it still wasn't wanted."

It feels like it's been seven years.
almost like my body has been replaced
I'm still in the same body though
just with a different face
full of different cells
and my blood?
that's different, too.
It's no wonder that my dreams are so different.
that my wants and needs are so...
well... let's just call them
not like me.
and that's okay.
maybe to some it isn't.
but to me?
well, I guess they'll just have to
suffice for
now.

It's time to say goodbye.
All I want is silence.
I think it is for the best,
and so do they.
Go on and live your life,
and I'll live mine too.
If the stars wish for us to meet again,
then we will.
But I will not keep playing this game anymore,
So this is goodbye.

You never close your arms
except for I need them.

There always is a reason to stay alive, even if it's just for one more day.

But to cry in front of you...now that's the worst thing I could ever do.

the feeling of an IV going into your vein is
quite extraordinary, you know.
they said i asked so many questions before i went under.
it's a nervous tick, something i use to distract myself.
i asked what that number meant,
what that needle contained,
what's the name of my anesthetic,
and so on.
up until i fell into my slumber,
i asked so many questions.

as the nice lady said,
"get ready, you'll really feel this one."
i smiled and said,
"finally, it's about time."
and all i remember is the colors of the painting
on the wall in front of me
mixing together till
everything went
black.

Am I that easy to leave?