you promised*
And so did I.
We both broke it
Though
And I'm so sorry
That I lied.

I ask for too much.
Rach, not today, okay?
Of course. Yeah, sure baby.
I only feel with you
Not saying I cannot feel while
being right next to you but
I seem to feel more and       f
                                              o
                                            r
                                          g
                                        e
                                      t
everything else that I cannot control.
I can control the speed I move your hips
and the taste I put onto my lips
and the moans that escape your
mouth. Even with the shivers that
I feel go down your spine,
every single touch makes me
feel so much more alive.

I have never loved myself more than I do now.

Where would you go for the end of the world?

"salvation and damnation are the same thing."

"When you keep hurting someone, you do one of three things. Either you fill them up with hate, and they destroy everything around them. Or you fill them up with sadness, and they destroy themselves. Or you fill them up with justice, and they try to destroy everything that's bad and cruel in this world."

And just like how you got that feeling at the concert, I got that same exact feeling in February. I thought it was because we were connected, and we could just feel each other's emotions. I thought it was because we were special, because we were soulmates. I've realized that we do not live in a fairytale and that all it was just our intuition, yelling at us, no... begging us to listen. Get out! Get out as fast as you can! But... We did not listen. We were too blinded, no... masked with our love. Can I even call it that anymore?

they made me scream today and i didn't feel like myself, but it sure as hell felt like the right thing to do, almost like it has been scratching its way up my throat, trying to escape all the pain and suffering that is condensed inside my chest. I'm like a balloon ready to pop, and I'm simply just running out of the ability to hold these particles inside of me that just want to burst.

I'm over him as quick as I started liking him

"How are you feeling right now?"
You were looking at me with your dorky smile
and then something shifted.
You immediately took a deep breath and
you looked at me with a seriousness in your eyes that
I'm not sure I could ever possibly explain.
"I...I feel...weird."
I looked at you, slightly confused. I cocked my head
to the side and I wondered, "Is it a good or bad weird?"
It was almost like you could hear my thoughts...
Or maybe you just read my ****** expression.
"No no no, it's not a bad kind of weird. It's really good, I think. It's just...strange."
I still looked at you in awe, wondering how whatever you were feeling could be strange.
"Rachel, can I say something?"
Of course you can, you always can.
"I've never felt this before. Whatever this feeling is, I've never known it."
You looked at me with your eyes staring at what little of myself is left inside of me, and we both waited for one of us to respond.
I stopped smiling and I just took all of you in.
I watched as your eyes watched me and I
wished I could've had you near me so you could say this right
in front of my face instead of over FaceTime.
"What?"
"I just really appreciate you, okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay."
"******, not again."
"Okay."
"Okay. Will we do this every time we're about to say something serious about one another?"
I paused and hid my smile from you, because you had told me earlier how sweet it was when I did that.
"I guess so."
"Maybe we'll say it one day?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Yes, maybe."

Her insane beauty makes all of life worth living again.

if humans did not discriminate like mental illness does not, then the world might have the only sickness that could keep its broken, bleeding heart still pumping: unconditional and never-ending love.

you deserve so much more.

Just like time and gravity can cross all of the dimensions, *so can love.

I parked outside her house, watching the leaves as they fell from the trees, and I realized that maybe nothing will always be green. Everything changes from the wind to my weight, and I know this is something that I'll always hate.

I just want to stop thinking about you for at least a few moments.

My nightmares were
About you.

I'll give you a
piece of my
mind
after you spare me
a token of your
heart.
I'll let you know
what I want to
find
and I'll even give
you a good place to
start.

"It almost feels like a joke to play out a part
When you are not the starring role in someone else's heart
You know I'd rather walk alone, than play a supporting role."

a bag full of clothes
and my favorite book:
I didnt know what it meant
I just knew that you were gone,
that you wanted nothing to do with me.
I figured I'd leave you alone,
give you some time to yourself.
You seemed better off without me anyways.
But I didn't know what that bag of clothes
and my favorite book
would do to me.

As soon as I got home,
I opened up the bag
and the first thing I noticed was your scent.
God...I missed my best friends scent.
It's weird, you never really miss something like that
until it's gone.
And I never really thought I'd have to miss that.
I tore through the bag as tears flowed down my cheeks
and my heart broke more and more as I realized
just how many skirts, shirts, and dresses I had shared with you.
God, I miss you.
I miss being able to share my clothes with you
and I miss hearing your laugh.
I miss that time we spent all night talking on the phone
or in your room.
I miss that time you tried to teach me how to twerk,
And I failed miserably.
I miss telling you that your dreams of New York would become reality.
And I miss you, just in general.

I know you've cried because of the pain I've put you through,
And dear god am I sorry for the way I hurt you.
You, more than anyone in this ****** world,
Deserves happiness and love.
I'm sorry for what I did,
For hurting you in the worst way possible,
And I am so sorry for being the complete opposite
Of your best friend.
I love you, and I do not deserve your forgiveness,
but I just need you to know this.
I just need you to know how sorry I am
and how much I love you.

Please stop.

"Am I the kind of guy you could see yourself having a relationship with?"
I thought for a moment.
I took a deep breath and said the truth.
After all, the truth is all I have now.
"Right now? No. I mean, awhile ago you were the most beautiful boy I'd ever come across. But right now, I can't afford to be in a relationship. At least not yet. Maybe one day I'll be able to see us together like I was able to for so long, but as for right now, I can't even see tomorrow. I hope you can understand that."
"I do. And I just hope you understand that no matter what you say, you cannot scare me away. I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to."*
Oh, my dear, I've been told that far too many times to know that it's not true.

The inside of my soul is black.
My brain never stops.
I'm being told death is
A new beginning.
And I'm starting to believe
It.

And she's a wild thing:
Smoking and drinking and
Doing every guy on the block.
But she's also a human:
She loves and needs and breathes
And she cries when her
Heart is being broken
a p    a   r           t

And she knows me:
A girl who cries and dies,
A girl who loves and needs,
A girl who wants more but
believes she deserves less.

She knows I'm better than that,
Just like I know she's worth so much more than
Those gross guys on the corner of the street and
The tears she cries because of them.

Maybe one day we'll both learn that
heartbreak is just an instrument that
never goes out of tune
and that our hearts will never truly
heal unless we stop giving it to so many others
and start giving it to ourselves.
After all, if we keep our hearts
they can't ever really be broken,
right?

how many times will i have to tell you that you can't have it both ways?

I have always wished for a
Happily ever after.
I never really got one
Because I don't
Exactly deserve
One.

no point in dreaming about the past
i have quite the future ahead of me

You're gone and while I was saddened for quite some
time over the loss of you I am
moving on more and more
every single
day.

I can't see,
Darkness is the brim of my
Soul.

While at church
they asked us a very simple question,
"What label(s) have you given yourself?"
I thought for a second and I shuddered at the thought.
So many different horrible labels laid themselves on my heart
and a few of them stuck out:
Burden,
Unlovable,
Disappointment,
Selfish,
Undeserving.
M­any more came to mind, but these just kept coming back.
I am a burden, because I constantly feel like I annoy everyone and that I am just getting in the way. I'm just worthless, there is no point in burdening people with my existence.
I am unlovable, because how could anyone love me with the things I've done? How could anyone ever love me? Even she couldn't ever love me fully after what I did.
I am a dissapointment, because I am not who my family thinks I am. I know the second I come out, they will shun me. There is no doubt about that. And I've just been slacking with everything. While I may be the "most intelligent" on my family, I am most definitely not the most stable. My highs and lows are starting to get the best of me, and I am so afraid to cry for help. I'll never be as good as them, so I am not only a disappointment to my family, but to myself as well.
I am selfish. Holy hell, I am so selfish. You always told me that I was unselfish, but on the day you found out, it was all I heard. You yelled at me quietly as you sobbed, and I looked at you with tears coming down my face as you asked how I could be so selfish and how I could hurt you like that. I'm sorry. Im sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll never get that image of you out of my mind, it's on a constant replay.
And I am undeserving, because how could I ever deserve something so beautiful ever again? I don't deserve anything but the worst life could give me. Those few weeks after, anytime I cried I had people come and hold me and say, "how could you ever deserve this kind of pain? You don't, you're the sweetest and kindest person I know." But that's the thing, i did deserve it. After what I did to you, I deserved all of the pain in the world. I still do, don't I?

I'm having such a hard time with how I feel about him.
I just want to know him more, but I don't want to mess it up this time.
I want him to know how incredible I think he is...but the words seemed to escape me every time I was given the chance.
I'm hoping that this week, maybe I'll be lucky enough to be given just one more chance to tell him.

What if I died
Tonight?

I've never wanted to understand someone so much.

I **** you not,
I'm falling for your eyes.

I'm not enough.
I'm not her,
To be honest,
I'm *nobody Important.

he left me,
or maybe did
i leave
him?

I remember you
I'll always remember you
God only know what you think of me
But I remember you
And I am still me.
But are you still you?

It's funny,
How much I care about you.
I'm actually, for some reason,
Crying as I write this.

Your eyes...
They're so blue.
You have this one picture
Your eyes look so glossy,
Perfect.

Your lips are pouty
And slightly pink.


What would I do to
Kiss your lips?
Many, many things my dear.

For you, I think I'd give up every life I've got
To live.

You're worth all my lifetimes and more.

your tongue spoke in ways that your words never could

for awhile I tried to believe that love could withstand anything, because it's what I've been conditioned to believe. but love isn't like the fairytales, no, not at all. it's full of tears and heartache and it sometimes makes you so incredibly blind and naive. but love always prevails right? no, wrong. love, while it may be something that can transcend past all of space and time and through all of the dimensions, it can be cruel, and once you're in its grasp, it takes you as prisoner and it decides whether or not your time spent in it will be beautiful or destructive, and it also decides what your end will look like--will you come out alive or will you shatter, with pieces of yourself scattered around?

Burn burn burn
I've never tasted fire until I tasted thee

You always seem to find a way to make a sunny day into a cloudy one.

and through waves, others in the universe will hear us.