and you're a heartbreaker, but I'm not one to be *played

I keep rereading your poem.
It's like I try to hurt myself.
I don't know what to do,
My feelings are hiding, stealth.

I'm just so
******* lost.

i remember those 42 lines i made across my skin, and some days i wish to feel them again

and due to unfortunate circumstances, i woke up this morning.

If I don't make it to tomorrow, the notebook will be in my backpack.

the new year has already begun for me.
*what have you done to start helping yourself?

The cuts on my
Wrist
Symbolize the
Monsters in my
Brain.
If I don't get out soon I
Think I'll go insane.

i wonder if my heart will ever heal.
will these heartstrings come back or
is it too last to ask?

how many times will i have to tell you that you can't have it both ways?

“Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.”

Do you think I'm stupid?
All of your sweet words and
your good morning texts
won't make me want you
more.

“Hate hurts the hater more'n the hated.”

I know I'm not a monster,
I'm just a girl who wants something
That she can never have.
And maybe I can get it from others,
But I do not want any others.
I just want you.

i'm going to miss those beautiful blue eyes of yours

you promised*
And so did I.
We both broke it
Though
And I'm so sorry
That I lied.

Hey,
Remember when we
Laid in bed and
Told each other secrets?
When you told me that
You felt like you didn't want to
Be with her anymore because
Y'all barely talked.
Do you remember when
I gave you his number?
In my mind it was hope and
In yours, well,
I'm not sure.
Do you remember when we
Laughed so hard we cried?
We do that a lot but
I cry all the time.
Do you remember when we
Made a pact?
Not just one but two?
I'm so sorry,
That should've never happened.

And just like how you got that feeling at the concert, I got that same exact feeling in February. I thought it was because we were connected, and we could just feel each other's emotions. I thought it was because we were special, because we were soulmates. I've realized that we do not live in a fairytale and that all it was just our intuition, yelling at us, no... begging us to listen. Get out! Get out as fast as you can! But... We did not listen. We were too blinded, no... masked with our love. Can I even call it that anymore?

I don't own you,
I'm sorry that I act the way I do.
I just wish I did,
So I could love you too.

I have never loved myself more than I do now.

am i even worth it to you?

you are my sweet pea
ha, get it?
i think you do,
because you always seem to
get everything.

He haunts my thoughts and dreams.
I can barely sleep next to her because
Sometimes he'll come out of hiding
From the back of my mind, ready to play.
I want her to choke me, to put her nimble long fingers
Around my throat and tighten
Just so I can replace the memory of how it felt when
The stench of his sweat and breathe mixed with my pleads
Felt inside of my throat, and how they've always choked me.

i just couldn't think of a forever where i was put down all of the time

"I literally want to curl up in bed right now and see your face next to mine and stay in my room for ages if it means I get to wake up next to you."

"Angel...oh oh oh oh... Knew you were special from the moment I saw you...I saw you, yeah."
"Me? Special? You're the angel, not me."
"I said Angel, oh oh oh oh, I feel you're closer every time I call you...I call you."
"Everytime?"
"Cause all I see are wings, I can see your wings,"
"You can?"
"But I know what I am and the life I live, yeah, the life I live."
"You're not that girl anymore, I know you."
"And even though I sin, baby we are born to live."
"Baby?"
"But I know time will tell if we're meant for this, yeah if we're meant for this."*
"We are, trust me."

You always seem to find a way to make a sunny day into a cloudy one.

"It almost feels like a joke to play out a part
When you are not the starring role in someone else's heart
You know I'd rather walk alone, than play a supporting role."

I'm over him as quick as I started liking him

he left me,
or maybe did
i leave
him?

how far away I have become from myself, but I sure love this vacation

I didn't think that you'd reply,
but you did.
A simple "thank you" would've sufficed,
but you also told me more,
which made me smile.
I tried not to act like it made me happy,
but it did.
All I've wanted was to say hello,
but I was too hurt to do so.
But I put that aside to send you a "good luck" text
just in hopes that you'll know that
I'm still rooting for you.

"How are you feeling right now?"
You were looking at me with your dorky smile
and then something shifted.
You immediately took a deep breath and
you looked at me with a seriousness in your eyes that
I'm not sure I could ever possibly explain.
"I...I feel...weird."
I looked at you, slightly confused. I cocked my head
to the side and I wondered, "Is it a good or bad weird?"
It was almost like you could hear my thoughts...
Or maybe you just read my ****** expression.
"No no no, it's not a bad kind of weird. It's really good, I think. It's just...strange."
I still looked at you in awe, wondering how whatever you were feeling could be strange.
"Rachel, can I say something?"
Of course you can, you always can.
"I've never felt this before. Whatever this feeling is, I've never known it."
You looked at me with your eyes staring at what little of myself is left inside of me, and we both waited for one of us to respond.
I stopped smiling and I just took all of you in.
I watched as your eyes watched me and I
wished I could've had you near me so you could say this right
in front of my face instead of over FaceTime.
"What?"
"I just really appreciate you, okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay."
"******, not again."
"Okay."
"Okay. Will we do this every time we're about to say something serious about one another?"
I paused and hid my smile from you, because you had told me earlier how sweet it was when I did that.
"I guess so."
"Maybe we'll say it one day?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Yes, maybe."

"When you keep hurting someone, you do one of three things. Either you fill them up with hate, and they destroy everything around them. Or you fill them up with sadness, and they destroy themselves. Or you fill them up with justice, and they try to destroy everything that's bad and cruel in this world."

You're gone and while I was saddened for quite some
time over the loss of you I am
moving on more and more
every single
day.

Please stop.

He bought these sweetart twist things at the movies last night.
He and I sat by each other and laughed at the movie we had to attend,
And I refrained from holding his hand or getting too close.
I thought it was sweet when he offered me a candy.
I took one from the bag, and electricity passed through my body when our fingers touch.
I doubt he noticed.
But, as I took a bite, I felt like I had to puke.
I looked around and wondered what would make me think of you right now.
He looks nor acts nor smells nothing like you.
What was it?
And then it hit me.
In my shaking hands I was holding sweetarts,
Which you absolutely loved.
While they may not have been the regular ones,
They still tasted like them and still somehow reminded me of you.
I tried to keep as calm as possible,
I couldn't let this ruin such a great night that I'd been having.
So, I finished off the candy,
And I made sure to not touch them again.

I'm trying to forget about you but
It's so hard when everything reminds me of
You.

i've tried far too many times to **** myself without success.
there must be a reason i'm still here, right?
or maybe no reason at all besides the fact that i'm just
incredibly terrible at killing myself.

how easy it is
to fall into old habits
and to let go of the
new ones you had
fought so hard
for.

if humans did not discriminate like mental illness does not, then the world might have the only sickness that could keep its broken, bleeding heart still pumping: unconditional and never-ending love.

i lie here sobbing inside this book as the pages become soggy and my heart screams that i was always Ed even though i always believed i was Min. i was never the good guy, not until now, no now i am Min, slowly but surely, i am becoming her and i am killing the parts of me that made me into Ed.

Just like time and gravity can cross all of the dimensions, *so can love.

I just want to stop thinking about you for at least a few moments.