"you've never been in a relationship with a guy before, so of course you're scared."*
no, you don't get it.
i'm not scared of them.
i'm not scared of men, i truly am not.
i'm scared of myself, because i tend to ruin everything i touch instead of
turning it into gold and i'm tired of being the one who breaks and destroys
everything and everyone around me.
i just wanna build and love and create and be filled with joy
instead of constantly feeling like i'm rotting from the inside
out.
is that too much to ask?

you kissed her with your eyes opened,
so what did you expect?
did you expect her to stay and to
keep on taking that?
did you expect her to stay and to
want more of your
half-assed kisses?
did you really expect her to stay and to
come back every time you didn't give her
the time of day?

if you answered "yes" to any if this,
then you're just the ****** that everyone
but her saw.

that's what he said to me when I walked into the white room,
sat on the green chair, and I listened to the sound of my heart beating in that lonely room.
"You have an addiction, Rachel."
"No..no I don't."
"Rachel, your body is literally addicted to painkillers. If you don't stop, the pain will continue to get worse and whatever is left of the lining of your stomach will disappear. You will be put into the hospital if this progresses."
"It won't, I don't have a problem. I'm not addicted. I just take them once in awhile because I have horrible headaches."
"How often would you say that you take them? Once a week? Twice?"
I shuddered as the realization dawned on me that I do not take them once or twice a week, but almost every single day in 800mg incrimates.
He looked at me closely as I stuttered while forming my response.
"I...I take...I take them at least...maybe...everyday?...Just a few though...not a lot of them..."
"How many is 'a few'?"
"...about 3...sometimes 6 if it's really bad."
I hear gasps come from my mother and my doctor as they look at me in horror. I looked down at my hands and fiddled with them while they explained why this was a terrible problem.
"When did this start?"
I couldn't figure out an exact date, but I know it's been a few months. First it was just painkillers, and then I switched to sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep anymore. Once sleeping became worse with those pills, I switched back to just painkillers because those didn't cause terrible nightmares that I couldn't wake from no matter how hard I tried.
"A few months, I think. Maybe 2...3..."
My mom and my doctor talked for awhile about a game plan to get me off these painkillers and onto another medicine that can help reverse the effects of what I've done to my body.
I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't.
I guess it's just another way I was trying to cope with the pain without realizing it.

It just seems like
You wouldn't miss me.
Like nobody would.

And if I could spell love without
Using letters, i would

Love shouldn't be confined to
Four little letters,
It should boasted into infinities
And the millions of galaxies that are
Beyond us.

Love is beyond me,
Love is you, my darling.

let me learn the sweet poetry you
wrote on my skin with your fingertips and
let me taste the new galaxies that

                    s
                             w
                                  
                                i
                      r
            l

and spin from your
tongue.

Still trying to
Understand
Why.
Why?
Why do you look at me
With those eyes?
So green yet
So blue.
So perfect and
*so you.

I will forever love you.

touching
it seems as if my
fingers want more-
the gasping of air
the act of clenching tighter and tighter
the need to feel something other than
the pain that rests inside
baby, just let it all pour out

don't think about the others
think of what feels right.
is it the lips on your thighs
the fingers that wriggle through your hair
or the eyes that stare deep into your soul?

what about the sweet kisses
that i want to give you
and the flowers and chocolate
or maybe even the looks across the hall that
make you just so excited (you know in what way...)

i'd do anything for you.
but am i really ready to
know someone in that way?

I remember that day.
He had a white mustang
and I had cherry lips.
And he wanted much more than a kiss,
But I had never done anything more.
And it really wasn't a kiss.
It was more like a make out session.
And it didn't get very heated,
Because he wasn't good.
And I wasn't into it.
And he stole my gum,
And I didn't want him...
I wanted her.

I heard I'm glowing, is it true?

We use forever like we know it will be,
but why can't our hearts just ******* see
that nothing now last forever,
not the stars not radioactive waste,
so why did we think we stood a
chance when forever can't even
look us in the face?

Those three men
Scared beyond belief.
Scared of what they see at night
Seeing the monsters
Hiding under their sheets.

Those three men
Not sure of who they are.
They skip meals and
Throw up
Heaving fires.

Those three men
Cut and slice their skin
Open wide.
They do it because
Society is making them
Hide.

Those three men
Can never really be.
For what they are
Is really we.

Those three men
Make us up all of us.
Together as a whole,
We are them and
They are we.

abuse is the reason she likes you
she said.
*right?

Lets turn
   Letters into
     Words and
       Words into
          Poetry, babe.

I remember when we
Almost kissed.
When we
Almost shared the
Same breath.

I noticed that
What happened
Could have gone
A lot of ways.
We could've fell in
Love.
We could've stopped
Being friends.
Or
We could have gone on with
Life normally.

I hate that I
Missed the chance of
Feeling your
Lips
On mine.

I became so fixated on the idea of my future rather than enjoying the beautiful life in front of me.*I forgot how to live in the present.

Last night I washed my sheets, because they smelled like you.
How could it be over two months and they still ******* smell like you?
And I finally washed those shirts, the flannel one and the pink one?
Yeah, I washed those too.
For the first few weeks that you were gone,
I alternated between them.
I would sleep in the flannel the most though,
it was your favorite, afterall.
But, I finally washed them.
They don't smell completely like you anymore.
My tears are gone from them
and the scent of your skin is fading.
You'll never completely go though, will you?
You may have left, but you're still somehow here.

I'm so sorry
I know that maybe I
Took it to far and
Said something's but
I miss you so much and
I'm having trouble
Letting go.

You've helped with so much
And I see your stares.
Why should I
Let go of
Someone that
Cares?
_________

It'd be easier if
I were dead.
I'd be nobody's
Issue and
You'd only grieve for
Awhile.
I'm nothing of
Importance anyways.

I can't even help my
Best friend nor
Stay out of trouble and
I can even get my love
Thrown away.

So what's the point in me
Being alive when
Nobody even
Wants me to
Stay?

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.

your arrogance truly repulses me

I can't help but
Love what you write.
Those twisted words that
Mean so little.
I can't help but
Re-read it again.
There is something about the
Way the words look
On here.
I can't help but
Envy his soul.
I'm not him and
I'll never mean that much.
Death would be easier but
I'm not up for easy things.
I like challenges and puzzles.
That's why I won't end my
Labyrinth called life.
I'll keep living for the sake of
You.

For you,
I won't.
I won't do it.
But that doesn't mean I won't
Think about it in my mind.
My friends,
They're disappearing.
Funny,
I refer to them as "friends"
But they're here for me.
But why do they
Leave?
Friends shouldn't leave.
That's not how friendship works.

I guess that why this friendship
Won't work.

His laugh is the most adorable thing I've ever heard and
I simply cannot get enough of it.

"Almost seven thousand languages, and not one of them holds words adequate to describe the joy I felt when you stepped into my life, nor the loss I suffered when you decided to step out."

“Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to **** one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.”

Hold me with your words around my neck
Choke me with your lips and the poison kisses you'll give me
Let me taste fire and let my insides burn with
Only ashes left behind
And don't leave any evidence for them to find.

Somewhere in the drug induced haze
I wondered what it is like to feel the
touch of a blade again
and how many times I'd
have to scream "Help Me!"
before I realized nobody was
there to save me from
myself.

It's a ritual
Of mine
To fall in love.
By day I do it,
By night I've fell.
By morning I've cried,
And over time
I'm done.

My life consists of
Falling in and
Out
Of love.

there is something so beautiful about
the way your eyes leave a
bright light in my
soul.

You cannot look at me
and I guess it is only fair.
I did call you a narcissistic
******* and I don't know,
the things you say make me
think of things my parents say
to me so it is only rightful of me
to automatically see that in you as well.

But you can be so wonderful.
You always say sweet words to me
and honestly I haven't felt a real love
like this in a long, long while.
Not sure where this is going,
or where we are going,
but I just want you to know that I
love you so much and I am
truly sorry.

loneliness is synonymous with my name
and the fragments of my broken heart would agree.

seeing you made my stomach churn
and i couldn't tell whether or not it was from
the butterflies in my stomach or
if it was the excitement and the fear that comes along with
being yours

I am slowly, but surely growing.
Everyday I wake up, take my shower,
brush my teeth, and I grow.
I get dressed, drive to school,
Go to my first class, and I grow.
I take notes, I try my best to listen,
I write down my homework, and I grow.
I hug my friends, I see her in the hallway,
I laugh at a dumb joke, and I grow.
I eat sometimes, I hold my friends hand,
I feel at home in his embrace, and I grow.
And then I go back to my house, and I rewatch Pride and Prejudice,
And I FaceTime him every night, and I grow.
I am learning and growing more and more every day,
And sometimes I fall... But I'm learning how to pick myself back up again.
I think that's one of the most important things you can learn about growth.
Even the most beautiful flowers need to be cut, so that in the spring they can grow again.

I finally got some
Sleep last night.


And by some I
Slept for 13 hours.

ive quickly learned how
fast sadness lets
itself back
in.

If you hurt me,
Why are you my remedy?
If I love you,
Would you call it insanity?

I noticed you
                        Haven't said sorry.