she asked me
"what is so
horrible
in your teenage life
that you feel the need
to **** yourself?"
to be honest,
i'm not even sure
anymore.

the list kept growing and
i got tired of keeping score.

Yes, I, myself, am lovesick.
I am honest to God sick of love.
Does that make sense?
Love makes me sick in every single way,
And as my skin burns and my bones ache
Because of it, I learn that love is a sickness that
You'll just get over one day.

You made it a point to make sure that I knew how you felt and what you wanted, but I can't seem to bring myself to understand nor to think that you could ever actually want me.

I'm so confused,
I'm drowning.

We use forever like we know it will be,
but why can't our hearts just ******* see
that nothing now last forever,
not the stars not radioactive waste,
so why did we think we stood a
chance when forever can't even
look us in the face?

i considered you mine
but you never were,
were you?

I realized that
I'm a terrible friend.
All I do is fall in love with them and
Ruin our friendships.
I should probably stop that
But it's because I get to close to someone and
Mistake their friendly love
For
Something... More.

I guess all I'm saying is that I'm sorry.

I'm a big girl

          I


Can take care of myself.

Last night I washed my sheets, because they smelled like you.
How could it be over two months and they still ******* smell like you?
And I finally washed those shirts, the flannel one and the pink one?
Yeah, I washed those too.
For the first few weeks that you were gone,
I alternated between them.
I would sleep in the flannel the most though,
it was your favorite, afterall.
But, I finally washed them.
They don't smell completely like you anymore.
My tears are gone from them
and the scent of your skin is fading.
You'll never completely go though, will you?
You may have left, but you're still somehow here.

Something inside of me
exploded tonight.
Maybe a supernova of
a dying star happened
without me noticing because
I was being taken to a
whole new realm in the
Universe with her.

I've been thinking I should
Leave
Even though you all ask me to stay.
But
Notice how I said "ask"
Instead of "want."
You don't want me to and
Even if you did it'd be fiction:
A lie.

let me learn the sweet poetry you
wrote on my skin with your fingertips and
let me taste the new galaxies that

                    s
                             w
                                  
                                i
                      r
            l

and spin from your
tongue.

I have these certain glimpses of heaven
When I look into your eyes.

the walls are caving in,
the house is falling.
im trapped under the rubble and
i can't get up.

you have no right
to show her my feelings
and my life,
unless you belong here,
just please stop looking
to stir up trouble.
my thoughts and my
actions are mine
and this sites only

stop starting ****,
im ******* sick of it.
i am happy,
and so is she.
so why the **** would you
want to ruin that?

He never loved
Me
He never even cared.
The looks were all artificial,
The way he acted and
Stared.

i don't want to lose you, and yet i don't even have you

Still trying to
Understand
Why.
Why?
Why do you look at me
With those eyes?
So green yet
So blue.
So perfect and
*so you.

I've been watching my calories lately,
I've had 395 today.
Which, I will maybe go try and
Burn some off cause
I want to be able to
Eat dinner tonight.

I just want everything to be blown away, so that hopefully this won't get ruined by the debris, too.

seeing you made my stomach churn
and i couldn't tell whether or not it was from
the butterflies in my stomach or
if it was the excitement and the fear that comes along with
being yours

and I've been talking about you like you're still the same
oh baby please let me tell you that I'm not the only one to blame
we're just two halves on this incredibly broken planet
just come home already, god ******

I remember what happened as we watched this movie,
and the many other movies we shared together.
But there will always been new movies,
And there will always been new people.
But that doesn't mean I won't miss what we had
And what we shared together.

I take sleeping pills every night
and I don't really remember when this started
but I don't think it's such a bad thing.
I like them because they help me fall right asleep and
I don't have to worry about what awaits for me behind my
drooping eyelids.

This won't change anything,
Promise?

why is it that you're suddenly so interested now?
because you saw others flirting with me?
because maybe it got through your thick *** skull that
I'm not waiting around anymore?
that I'm just ******* tired of your
*******?

sorry,
but it's not my fault that
you couldn't make up your mind
during the right
time.

For some reason,
I'm okay with it I guess.
You loving him and
Me loving you.
It'll always be a cycle
That I can't win.

She told me, "just wait. If he wants, he'll call you back."
But why should I wait around all day for someone who cannot seem to take a few moments out of their day to say hello?
I do not have time to waste on those who do not have time for me.
I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not.
I'm too busy to keep thinking that we "could've been" something.
I'm just too busy to think about you at all.

“Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to **** one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.”

I pulled out your chair and you thanked me
with your nice brown eyes and your pearly white smile.
You sat down in your pretty pink sundress and
you made me melt with your stories and your voice.
Nobody knew it was a date,
I simply told my parents that
you and I just wanted some coffee.
But God, the way you held my hand
made me feel something I haven't felt in a long while:
Safe and secure.

Those eyes
Haunt me
In my dreams
At night.

They let me know
You're here.
They give me sight.

I think you've
Noticed my gaze,
You hold it tight;
Like how you
Grip the marker
On the board.

Your blue--
Wait!
Greenish gray eyes
Have followed me down the
Halls.
Watching my
Steps
Watching my breathes.

You know the paths
I take and
Where I follow.
But do I?

You went into the summer,
blurred into it like
the pastels i used
to draw your
eyes.

You came back in the autumn,
the leaves turned just like
you did on
me.

Now, youve left me so
confused and hurt that
i just dont know
which way to
go.

Maybe you'll come back
to me next
autumn.

she always knew i had a hard time with keeping one,
whether it was because i was scared my parents would check it again
or maybe i just was too afraid of what i would say...or lack thereof.
but, oh dear journal, maybe i was just too afraid to write about how sad i was.
i was so depressed... i still am, not just about her, but i guess because of nothing and everything. as soon as she left, i picked up one of the many ones i bought while i was with her and i wrote. and i wrote and wrote about how much it hurt and how much pain i felt. i didn't cry...well, at least not until i got to the last page. i had written so many pages by the time i was done, i was so surprised that i actually had that much to say about it all.
i thought that after everything had happened, maybe by the time this journal would be filled up that things would be better. oh, dear journal i couldn't have been more wrong. things have taken such a turn for the worst in the last couple of months and of course i wouldn't have the guts to do anything about it. i can never fight back, i can never say no.
when you lose someone that you love, it kind of ruins your own perception of yourself and your ex significant other. the one person you could trust, not just with you and your feelings, but your whole self, and they leave you just like you meant nothing to them.
and while my brain loves to remind me of how my dad did the same and how she did it and how I've had many friends who have done it to me, i never for a second believed that i'd have to endure such a pain.
but, i think I'm learning.
i think I'm learning to fight, and to say no, and to stop thinking about you all the time. my mind loves to wander, but the second it does, i pick up a new book or i take off the shirt that smells like you or i go and learn a new word in Greek.
anyways, i read the pages. i read the pages i wrote and then i threw them away. i made a promise to never let someone treat me that way, i never want to be someone who anybody can easily leave ever again. and you may protest, "No, it wasn't easy, not one bit." And I believe you, because thats what they all say. they say they cry and they worry about how I'm doing and wonder about me, hell, maybe sometimes they visit me and send me birthday cards. but, i know that once the crying and worrying is over, i don't matter a single bit anymore.
i threw the pages away so i could feel something other than the pain and emptiness i had known for the last couple of months. i thought maybe if i threw them away then i could move on a bit easier, and start learning to love myself again, because i had started to forget.
but... thats not how it always works. it'll take me awhile to learn how to sleep again, hence the reason I'm still awake at 3:30 writing this entry.
it'll also take awhile to get used to this feeling. like you're so close yet so far away. but i should, after all, once you're gone... i don't think ill have you forever. as much as i loved the idea of a forever with you, i know it will never be, especially in the way i had dreamt it would be.
forever is such a special, yet inconceivable thought that rarely ever happens. i need to stop and remember i have a now to live. i know that was part of the issue, and I'm sorry that it took so long to figure that out. i wish i could've been what you needed...who you needed.
but in all of this, i think I'm learning that i just need myself.
i need to learn how to be alone, because i especially cannot be dependent on someone who is so far away. i can't allow myself to be anymore, its hurts too much.
and i know you like to say you're independent, and yes...in some ways you are, but in most? well, i guess ill leave you to figure that one out for yourself. I've had enough time to come to a conclusion, maybe one day you will too.
so, my dear journal, i love her. i always will. i remember writing "I've never met someone who could take my heart and burn it with their eyes as if I had never seen a fire before which is true, I had never been burned by another person before because how could I possibly let someone inside of me like that?" I let you inside, and i still continue to do so. ill always remember the way you made me feel like i could do anything, and how hopeful you made me about not just my future, but ours. and ill always remember your sweet kisses and the way your laugh sounds at 2am. ill always remember how beautiful you made me feel and how you still do, even to this day. i know ill always remember the way you said "I love you" and the way you made "forever" sound like a promise you'd never break...i just know ill always remember you.
i should sleep, but i just wanted to say that i know things will get better. you just have to stay alive to see.
sweet dreams, (as per usual).

just laughs
Like no other.
I wish she
Was mine.

It seems like
The perfect guy
Is right in front of me.

Sometimes though,

It feels like
The perfect girl
Is right next to me.

Other times,

I wish that the guy who writes
Beautiful poetry
Could be mine for real.

but i just regret that we were not able to have that everlasting love that we dreamed of.

For I've seen many cowards in my lifetime,
Including myself.

We all have the potential though,
To be a hero.

When will you let it shine?
*When will I?

she bought a star and named it after me
just so she could keep what
was rightfully hers in the
beginning.

I am slowly, but surely growing.
Everyday I wake up, take my shower,
brush my teeth, and I grow.
I get dressed, drive to school,
Go to my first class, and I grow.
I take notes, I try my best to listen,
I write down my homework, and I grow.
I hug my friends, I see her in the hallway,
I laugh at a dumb joke, and I grow.
I eat sometimes, I hold my friends hand,
I feel at home in his embrace, and I grow.
And then I go back to my house, and I rewatch Pride and Prejudice,
And I FaceTime him every night, and I grow.
I am learning and growing more and more every day,
And sometimes I fall... But I'm learning how to pick myself back up again.
I think that's one of the most important things you can learn about growth.
Even the most beautiful flowers need to be cut, so that in the spring they can grow again.

she's next to me
sleeping soundly
and her sweet laugh
is on my mind
swimming around
while I try to sleep
I'm looking for a
girl that I cannot
find.

that's what he said to me when I walked into the white room,
sat on the green chair, and I listened to the sound of my heart beating in that lonely room.
"You have an addiction, Rachel."
"No..no I don't."
"Rachel, your body is literally addicted to painkillers. If you don't stop, the pain will continue to get worse and whatever is left of the lining of your stomach will disappear. You will be put into the hospital if this progresses."
"It won't, I don't have a problem. I'm not addicted. I just take them once in awhile because I have horrible headaches."
"How often would you say that you take them? Once a week? Twice?"
I shuddered as the realization dawned on me that I do not take them once or twice a week, but almost every single day in 800mg incrimates.
He looked at me closely as I stuttered while forming my response.
"I...I take...I take them at least...maybe...everyday?...Just a few though...not a lot of them..."
"How many is 'a few'?"
"...about 3...sometimes 6 if it's really bad."
I hear gasps come from my mother and my doctor as they look at me in horror. I looked down at my hands and fiddled with them while they explained why this was a terrible problem.
"When did this start?"
I couldn't figure out an exact date, but I know it's been a few months. First it was just painkillers, and then I switched to sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep anymore. Once sleeping became worse with those pills, I switched back to just painkillers because those didn't cause terrible nightmares that I couldn't wake from no matter how hard I tried.
"A few months, I think. Maybe 2...3..."
My mom and my doctor talked for awhile about a game plan to get me off these painkillers and onto another medicine that can help reverse the effects of what I've done to my body.
I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't.
I guess it's just another way I was trying to cope with the pain without realizing it.

I've seen what happens when you try to forget your expectations of people.
Like for you, I do not expect anything from you anymore.
And from her, I sort of expect friendship, but even that is going away.
And from him, well, it was good while it lasted, the phone calls and the way his mouth would curl up as he called me beautiful.
But, having expectations of people can and will only lead to sheer disappointment.
Which is why I am officially putting away whatever expectations I have for anyone in my life, because I'm tired of being disappointed.
Not only in the people around me, but in myself as well.

your arrogance truly repulses me