When a good thing goes bad it's not the end of the world
It's just the end of a world, that you had with one girl
And she's the reason it happened, but she's overreacting
And it's all because she don't want things to change

So cry if you need to, but I can't stay to watch you
That's the wrong thing to do
Touch if you need to, but I can't stay to hold you
That's the wrong thing to do
Talk if you need to, but I can't stay to hear you
That's the wrong thing to do
Cause you'll say you love me, and I'll end up lying
And say I love you too

But I need someone different
You know it, oh **, you know it
Oh **, you know it, we both know it
I need someone different
You know it, oh **, you know it
Oh **, you know it, we both know it
Something's been missing
You know it, oh **, she knows it
Oh **, I know it, we all know it
I need someone different (oh **, oh **)

We live in a generation of, not being in love, and not being together
But we sure make it feel like we're together
Cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else

But I need someone different
You know it, oh **, you know it
Oh **, you know it, we both know it
I need someone different
You know it, oh **, you know it
Oh **, you know it, we both know it
Something's been missing
You know it, oh **, she knows it
Oh **, I know it, we all know it
I need someone different

"you've never been in a relationship with a guy before, so of course you're scared."*
no, you don't get it.
i'm not scared of them.
i'm not scared of men, i truly am not.
i'm scared of myself, because i tend to ruin everything i touch instead of
turning it into gold and i'm tired of being the one who breaks and destroys
everything and everyone around me.
i just wanna build and love and create and be filled with joy
instead of constantly feeling like i'm rotting from the inside
out.
is that too much to ask?

"It was gravity.."they said.
It was gravity's fault that she was dead.
Not her own, but gravity's fault.
After all, she wouldn't have died
if gravity wouldn't have choked her.
It wasn't her fault...
gravity helped, after all.
gravitygravitygravity
It keeps you down,
it keeps us all on the ground and
it kept her from falling
but it was already too late.
A noose caught her around the neck and
gravity let her down,
yet again.

the devil always comes back for his demons

I'm not even sure
why I cut this time.
i guess I just did it to feel
to feel what?
I am happy, aren't i?
I should be.
hell I should be ecstatic.
I have a loving girlfriend,
my friends are great,
my parents trust me again,
and I have God by my side.
so what is it that I ever so
desperately need to feel?

Can I tell you a secret?
I am not unhappy.
I am not sad.
I am not angry.
I am anything but depressed.
I think that is what I miss.

The sadness is what I crave.
The constant happiness isn't
fulfilling my desires anymore.
Is there something wrong with me?
Some kind of unknown disorder that
causes you to crave the very thing
that made you hate yourself for so long?

This happiness is driving me mad.
It is like I will not let myself
be happy all day.
Why can't I just stay happy?
It's a wonderful feeling.
It makes everything seems brighter
and more beautiful!

So, why can't I just accept that
I am happy and get over
what needs to be
out of my life?

They'll be look into my
Journal
To see if I've ver had suicide as an
Option.

Well,
It is.

Well... hey Easter bunny.. Remember me?
It's Rachel... It's been awhile. I mean, I don't really remember talking to you as a kid but honestly, I don't remember much anyways. Everything inside of my head seems so dark now.
Bright colors seem foreign and so do the stars (even though I look at them every single night...) but now only my fears stay deep within my thoughts.
Anyways, I have several wishes:
#1 Give Juan something good up there. He always seemed to like the brownies one of the girls in my Spanish class would bring, could you bring him some of those? And tell him some funny jokes... He always had the nicest laugh.
#2 Make sure to bring my girlfriend something sweet. She deserves it. I couldn't be with her for our 2nd month anniversary, but hopefully there will be more to come. Just give her something good... well... not too good. Ha.
#3 I guess this is kind of selfish... I could be asking to help my friends or save all of the sick children... but instead I am asking for your help. I have so many thoughts in my head and it sure would mean a hell of a lot to my friends and I if they would disappear. I would hate to make them come true.

So, Thank you and please also give us world peace.

*( I must be a foolish child if I am asking for world peace )

I just feel
there
Not like I exist
But like I'm just...
there.

I live to breathe the
Exhaust that pours outta you.

I feel like people think I am some
*** crazed girl who is only using
Her girlfriend for ***.
But I can assure that I am not.
I love her with everything I have
And so much more.
Making love to her is a gift
That I am proud to share with her
And just because we can
Have nights spent together
On top of each other or
Entwined in each others words,
Does that make us a couple that
Is "going too fast"?
She is the first person in my life that
I am finally convinced that
Loves me fully and completely.
And maybe the making love is
Just an added bonus,
But that doesn't mean that I
Need it to love her anymore than
I already do.

"well I just want to be the exception, because I always have been"

sometimes being the exception isn't always the best thing. after all, most exceptions become not enough anymore. and it hurts like hell to think of how you once were an exception, and now you're just nothing.

Take me now Lord
I'm all yours
I can't keep this promise

No one chooses to be sad
Except for the attention seekers.
I didn't become sad for fun
My doctor even said I might have a form of depression.
It's like you're running up these stairs that never end or
You're trapped in a box and someone says they're trying to help you but
They keep the ladder a secret.
You can't just 'decide' to be happy
Or sad.
The only reason I saw the light was because
Of certain people.
And if you still think that
Sadness is something you just 'decide' to do
Then try to remember how I was in the beginning of the year:
I was happy,
I ran for president,
I had a boyfriend.
i felt so important

All of that is gone.

Who would want to get rid of that?
Not me.

But I'm getting better,
And everything will get better.

Where are you now?
I'm looking for you,
Reaching out,
Waiting...

seeing you made my stomach churn
and i couldn't tell whether or not it was from
the butterflies in my stomach or
if it was the excitement and the fear that comes along with
being yours

let me learn the sweet poetry you
wrote on my skin with your fingertips and
let me taste the new galaxies that

                    s
                             w
                                  
                                i
                      r
            l

and spin from your
tongue.

I shall write about today
for the sake of wanting
to remember just how
sweet your lips tasted
and how much love
was shown
between
us.

1. We woke up pretty early (as early as it gets for me at least) and I was ever so playful (and wet). I wanted to make you breakfast and cuddle and take a warm bath with you, its all that I could think about.

2. We made love. Your Dad said he'd be gone for awhile, so we decided to make sweet love before breakfast, because by doing that, we would be starting off the day just right. (You tasted so good kitten.)

3. I made you breakfast. I made us some rockin' eggs and cereal while you cleaned the dishes. It felt like it was just us living alone together and I loved every second of it.

4. You tie dyed my shirts. I can't wait to have them... please make them smell like you first, I may be technically paying for the dye, but in my eyes I am only paying for your scent that you'll leave on them.

5. We took a nice warm bath together. That was such a nice bath. We had bubbles all around and we were laughing at my hair. We kissed a ton, and I could just feel love radiating between us. It was utterly wonderful darling.

6. You went in your room to go change, and I was ready to make your surprise before you had to leave for work. I wanted you to lay down with me, but you kept bugging me about your surprise. I know I can be selfish sometimes, but I just want to spend as much time as humanly possible with you baby.

7. I went to go make your surprise (Root Beer Float, of course!) and I ran back to your room. You were still naked to my surprise and all you wanted to know was what I was doing in the kitchen. I started walking back to the kitchen when you practically attacked me! You kept kissing me and begging me so much that I simply just couldn't resist. I made you *** right then and there in your hallway.

8. I made our root beer floats, and I watched you get dressed. I ate/drank mine and simply enjoyed everything around me. Life has been so good to me lately.

9. My Mom was on her way, so for the last 10 minutes of my time with you, we shared many kisses. They were all ever so perfect.

10. Leaving you is always hard, I only wish to stay forever. Maybe one day we won't have to leave. We can just stay in each others reaches everyday for the rest of our lives, my darling.

I did not want this day to end, but somehow I know that this memory will live on inside of my forgetful mind. I love you my dear, I truly do.

what changed?

i can't be who i am,
and i'm still not exactly sure
who that is.
one day i like my teacher,
the next it's a girl online.
so,
who exactly do i
prefer?

i'm not sure.

I'm a disappointment to
Mankind.

She told me that
You cried when
You told her what
Happened to me.
That she's never seen a
Grown man cry over
A young girl like that.
That she's only seen two
Other men cry in general.
That you really must
Care about me.

but i just regret that we were not able to have that everlasting love that we dreamed of.

Your face looks
Much like
A new blossom.
Everyday, you get
Brighter.

My aunt just told me
"Oh Rachel, you're so skinny!"
I'm smiled innocently,
Said 'thank you'
And sat down.
She asked what I was doing
I told her working out
She asked how much I lost
I told her I didn't know.

Now that I've stepped on the scale
I've noticed I've lost nothing
But my confidence.

All I've lost is control
And whatever I
Used to like
Makes me heave
Until my throat burns.

**** you society,
**** you.

What if
Dad knew that
I want to die?
Would he want to come
Visit me?
What if
Dad knew that
I might be Bi?
He'd probably slap
The gay right off of me.

I take sleeping pills every night
and I don't really remember when this started
but I don't think it's such a bad thing.
I like them because they help me fall right asleep and
I don't have to worry about what awaits for me behind my
drooping eyelids.

I just made myself throw up.
Not because I have an eating disorder,
but because of that thought looming in my brain.
And ****, it's not even the one of killing myself.
It's just of you not being with me in the end.

And just like Sherlock, you solved the case that is me, and you became bored, so you moved onto a new one, a better one.

i associated you with the colors of the earth,
but all you are is the color of a blackhole.

i thought you were filled with light,
but i guess i was wrong.

you're just a dark hole that
***** all the light from
everything and everyone else
until its all gone inside of
you.

won't you ever learn?
killing others won't
make you able to
breathe any
easier.

it'll just make more space,
until you're left all alone
with the memories of the
people's lights you've
stolen.

he said i was beautiful,
but we all know that beauty doesn't save the ******.

I've been thinking I should
Leave
Even though you all ask me to stay.
But
Notice how I said "ask"
Instead of "want."
You don't want me to and
Even if you did it'd be fiction:
A lie.

My teacher
Taught me
The difference
Between
Asking what you are
And
Asking how you are.
I learned then that I'm
Creative
Funny
Loving
Stupid
Deep
Lovable
But how am I?
I'm not okay
At all.

I'm hungry.
But I ate two whole meals today.
Why must I be so
Hungry?
I still have calories left for today..
Maybe just one cookie will do.
Nah, to lazy.

I'll just drink some more water,
That should fill me up.

I'm scared and

Nobody seems to

Understand

What they mean't to me.

But, you see,

Now that they're gone

Everything has been

Alot better.

I've put my demons

Away and

They haven't bothered me

Since then.


But why do you feel the need to
Bring them back?

I just wish that I could hear your voice all the time.

I remember when it started.
She was always so terrible towards me, a horrible friend.
But I stayed because I had no one else.
And she understood, she cared.
And every time I went by her house
she would scold me for eating.
She was skinny
And I was... Me.
And if I wanted to be pretty,
Then I had to be like her.
I had to let my hair fall out,
And let my body temperature drop,
And I had to count calories,
Because if I didn't,
Then nobody would ever love me.
I remember her like it was yesterday.
I had a crush on her abusive brother,
Because I thought it was cute that when I said "No"
He would always say, "oh come on, you know you love the attention."
I didn't understand then that I would carry this,
That every time things get hard,
I restrict and I don't let myself eat.
It's a way for me to feel control I guess,
Because I always did love control.
I just never had any.
I'm trying my best to overcome this,
But it's so hard.
If eating didn't make me sick,
Then maybe I could.
But I just can't stop thinking about
the way she would yell at me
and tell me all of those horrible things,
Even when I begged and pleaded for her to stop.
I realize now that she was not a friend,
She was a demon in a girls body.

your hands on me feel about as right and equally as wrong as my taste for both women and men is.

and all I need is physical affection to make things a little better. Come hold my hand, or better yet, just come and hold me. It makes everything a little bit better, a little bit easier.

i could've kissed your
almost lips all day long.
and the way you left me
wanting more,
i feel like you're a pro at this.
i love holding you,
and feeling like this.
I'm on a constant high,
and even when i come down
you're there to catch me.

the necklace,
its blue and simple,
but quaint and fierce.
it is strong,
and full of memories.
and it reminds me of you.

i really hope you like the necklace.
im a bit of a romantic.
one of the ways i show how i feel is
by buying presents, so hopefully you're
okay with that.

i just... i want you to know
that you are really wonderful.
and that i could and would
keep you in my arms all day
and dare to kiss your lips.