I am full of love to give, every part of me aches to give love to you. it pours out of me like a fountain pours water. my mouth aches to tell you I love you and my heart beats to the song your breath allows. I love you because I have love to give. you love me constantly and fully, which allows to give it right back to you.
I have never felt so right and in place since the day I was born, hence the reason I am staying. loving you is strong, and delicate, and I am so in love with the way you love me and I love you.

and I looked at you like you were a doormat that said "Welcome Home", but you only treated me like I was a bright neon sign that said **"One Night Only"

you probably thought i was dumb for looking at you like that,
but i couldn't even help it.

i can't help it.
and that's what scares me the most.

I counted.
At first I thought it was 40.
Then I counted again--
42.
Then I counted again--
42.

They're burning and they
Remind me of what I cannot fix.

The way our
Fingers brushed
On that cold night
As I ran my
Fingers
Through your hair,
Down your
S
  P
    I
     N
        E
Made me love you
Even more.

But,
Sadly,
That's all gone.
The feelings have deminished into
Nothing.

I hope it's what you wanted.

Rachel, it's just weird. You're always on the phone with her... it's just weird.

Mom, dear God if only you knew how much that hurt me. Those words struck my heart and tore it into pieces. Those words broke me.

Worst part was... you knew we were talking. How do you think that made her feel? Think she felt as much pain as I did? She just so happened to come back at that moment and I had to put on a smile like nothing hurt me.

I can't take it anymore The fake smiles and the lies and the *need to feel. How will I survive this summer? Being around my family will drive me utterly insane. I can't even have you by me for one day this week just because of how afraid I am. If people can easily the signs at school, then sure as hell my Mom can tell that I have fallen for you

You have become my crutch and my dear, I am very glad it is you by my side. If only you could really be here. In a perfect world, you'd be by my side and I'd have you close and my scars wouldn't exist. The books I'd read would have perfect endings and the songs I'd sing would always be on key. And the world would be just as beautiful as you are to me.

Drift away darling... I might not be here when you wake up.

I'm trying to find you,
But the lights are off.

two nights ago I sobbed over you and I panicked because I can't live with the thought that I might be falling for you.

I shall write about today
for the sake of wanting
to remember just how
sweet your lips tasted
and how much love
was shown
between
us.

1. We woke up pretty early (as early as it gets for me at least) and I was ever so playful (and wet). I wanted to make you breakfast and cuddle and take a warm bath with you, its all that I could think about.

2. We made love. Your Dad said he'd be gone for awhile, so we decided to make sweet love before breakfast, because by doing that, we would be starting off the day just right. (You tasted so good kitten.)

3. I made you breakfast. I made us some rockin' eggs and cereal while you cleaned the dishes. It felt like it was just us living alone together and I loved every second of it.

4. You tie dyed my shirts. I can't wait to have them... please make them smell like you first, I may be technically paying for the dye, but in my eyes I am only paying for your scent that you'll leave on them.

5. We took a nice warm bath together. That was such a nice bath. We had bubbles all around and we were laughing at my hair. We kissed a ton, and I could just feel love radiating between us. It was utterly wonderful darling.

6. You went in your room to go change, and I was ready to make your surprise before you had to leave for work. I wanted you to lay down with me, but you kept bugging me about your surprise. I know I can be selfish sometimes, but I just want to spend as much time as humanly possible with you baby.

7. I went to go make your surprise (Root Beer Float, of course!) and I ran back to your room. You were still naked to my surprise and all you wanted to know was what I was doing in the kitchen. I started walking back to the kitchen when you practically attacked me! You kept kissing me and begging me so much that I simply just couldn't resist. I made you *** right then and there in your hallway.

8. I made our root beer floats, and I watched you get dressed. I ate/drank mine and simply enjoyed everything around me. Life has been so good to me lately.

9. My Mom was on her way, so for the last 10 minutes of my time with you, we shared many kisses. They were all ever so perfect.

10. Leaving you is always hard, I only wish to stay forever. Maybe one day we won't have to leave. We can just stay in each others reaches everyday for the rest of our lives, my darling.

I did not want this day to end, but somehow I know that this memory will live on inside of my forgetful mind. I love you my dear, I truly do.

When I say I love you, you don't believe me. You think you can't be loved and you won't accept love. I think that you're scared that I might stop loving you at anytime, but I won't. Now if this is the reason, then okay, it's acceptable, because at least I know somewhere deep down inside your soul that you believe me.

Every though today didnt go as planned
It went smoother at the end.
I gave you a kiss on the head,
Told you everything was going to be okay,
And you know what?
I'm so glad I did.
Because it will be.
I love y'all,
Thank you so much.

I want to stick a knife through my skull, because I'm so sick and tired of my own thoughts.

If I pinned you against the wall
and slipped my tongue
into places unknown
would you let me
discover your
truths?

My aunt just told me
"Oh Rachel, you're so skinny!"
I'm smiled innocently,
Said 'thank you'
And sat down.
She asked what I was doing
I told her working out
She asked how much I lost
I told her I didn't know.

Now that I've stepped on the scale
I've noticed I've lost nothing
But my confidence.

All I've lost is control
And whatever I
Used to like
Makes me heave
Until my throat burns.

**** you society,
**** you.

you never spent those love coupons i made you, guess i wasn't worth it

I live to breathe the
Exhaust that pours outta you.

I'm too afraid to say
Hello.
To start a conversation.
But I can write
About your
Eyes
That scream
Innovation.

i can't be who i am,
and i'm still not exactly sure
who that is.
one day i like my teacher,
the next it's a girl online.
so,
who exactly do i
prefer?

i'm not sure.

I called you after it had happened and while I was sitting in the bathtub in ice cold water watching the water drip from the faucet and as I let tears fall down my cheeks and as I scrubbed away what you did I tried my best to sound composed but I couldn't and that's why when you answered I hung up because I wasn't sure I could tell you of my shame and how scared I was and I was so afraid to let you in, because then you'd see a part of me you had yet to see and what if you wouldn't want me anymore because who wants a used and so severely broken little girl like me? I wouldn't be your little girl anymore and you wouldn't see me as a beautiful flower, but as a bunch of broken and dried up rose petals and there's so much more in the world besides someone like me and how could you stay with someone so repulsive I don't know I don't know I don't---

Her tongue dances on my spine
and sweat glitters in the moonlight
and she lets me feel the sway of her hips
as she dances along my body.

Well... hey Easter bunny.. Remember me?
It's Rachel... It's been awhile. I mean, I don't really remember talking to you as a kid but honestly, I don't remember much anyways. Everything inside of my head seems so dark now.
Bright colors seem foreign and so do the stars (even though I look at them every single night...) but now only my fears stay deep within my thoughts.
Anyways, I have several wishes:
#1 Give Juan something good up there. He always seemed to like the brownies one of the girls in my Spanish class would bring, could you bring him some of those? And tell him some funny jokes... He always had the nicest laugh.
#2 Make sure to bring my girlfriend something sweet. She deserves it. I couldn't be with her for our 2nd month anniversary, but hopefully there will be more to come. Just give her something good... well... not too good. Ha.
#3 I guess this is kind of selfish... I could be asking to help my friends or save all of the sick children... but instead I am asking for your help. I have so many thoughts in my head and it sure would mean a hell of a lot to my friends and I if they would disappear. I would hate to make them come true.

So, Thank you and please also give us world peace.

*( I must be a foolish child if I am asking for world peace )

I'm scared and

Nobody seems to

Understand

What they mean't to me.

But, you see,

Now that they're gone

Everything has been

Alot better.

I've put my demons

Away and

They haven't bothered me

Since then.


But why do you feel the need to
Bring them back?

What if
Dad knew that
I want to die?
Would he want to come
Visit me?
What if
Dad knew that
I might be Bi?
He'd probably slap
The gay right off of me.

They'll be look into my
Journal
To see if I've ver had suicide as an
Option.

Well,
It is.

No one chooses to be sad
Except for the attention seekers.
I didn't become sad for fun
My doctor even said I might have a form of depression.
It's like you're running up these stairs that never end or
You're trapped in a box and someone says they're trying to help you but
They keep the ladder a secret.
You can't just 'decide' to be happy
Or sad.
The only reason I saw the light was because
Of certain people.
And if you still think that
Sadness is something you just 'decide' to do
Then try to remember how I was in the beginning of the year:
I was happy,
I ran for president,
I had a boyfriend.
i felt so important

All of that is gone.

Who would want to get rid of that?
Not me.

But I'm getting better,
And everything will get better.

My teacher
Taught me
The difference
Between
Asking what you are
And
Asking how you are.
I learned then that I'm
Creative
Funny
Loving
Stupid
Deep
Lovable
But how am I?
I'm not okay
At all.

Your face looks
Much like
A new blossom.
Everyday, you get
Brighter.

I'm a disappointment to
Mankind.

I just made myself throw up.
Not because I have an eating disorder,
but because of that thought looming in my brain.
And ****, it's not even the one of killing myself.
It's just of you not being with me in the end.

I'm not even sure
why I cut this time.
i guess I just did it to feel
to feel what?
I am happy, aren't i?
I should be.
hell I should be ecstatic.
I have a loving girlfriend,
my friends are great,
my parents trust me again,
and I have God by my side.
so what is it that I ever so
desperately need to feel?

Can I tell you a secret?
I am not unhappy.
I am not sad.
I am not angry.
I am anything but depressed.
I think that is what I miss.

The sadness is what I crave.
The constant happiness isn't
fulfilling my desires anymore.
Is there something wrong with me?
Some kind of unknown disorder that
causes you to crave the very thing
that made you hate yourself for so long?

This happiness is driving me mad.
It is like I will not let myself
be happy all day.
Why can't I just stay happy?
It's a wonderful feeling.
It makes everything seems brighter
and more beautiful!

So, why can't I just accept that
I am happy and get over
what needs to be
out of my life?

I'm hungry.
But I ate two whole meals today.
Why must I be so
Hungry?
I still have calories left for today..
Maybe just one cookie will do.
Nah, to lazy.

I'll just drink some more water,
That should fill me up.

And just like Sherlock, you solved the case that is me, and you became bored, so you moved onto a new one, a better one.

She told me that
You cried when
You told her what
Happened to me.
That she's never seen a
Grown man cry over
A young girl like that.
That she's only seen two
Other men cry in general.
That you really must
Care about me.

You want more, but I can't give you anything more.
I can't give you a real relationship.
I can't give you commitment.
I can't give you what you deserve.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
You know this and you keep trying and I can't be what you want
nor what you need.

shes the
universe
in one
swift
motion.

I dream about her at night
The faceless woman
She creeps into my doorway and
Im blinded.
I still dont know her name and
I dont think I ever will.
I hear her voice at night,
speaking to me in such a way I
Almost drown in her
velvet like sounds.
Who is she?
Why is she?
Where is she?

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

i associated you with the colors of the earth,
but all you are is the color of a blackhole.

i thought you were filled with light,
but i guess i was wrong.

you're just a dark hole that
***** all the light from
everything and everyone else
until its all gone inside of
you.

won't you ever learn?
killing others won't
make you able to
breathe any
easier.

it'll just make more space,
until you're left all alone
with the memories of the
people's lights you've
stolen.

i've never felt more at home nor more fearful than when your hand is resting on the small of my back and when the current of the electricity between us is only bringing us closer to one another.

I feel like people think I am some
*** crazed girl who is only using
Her girlfriend for ***.
But I can assure that I am not.
I love her with everything I have
And so much more.
Making love to her is a gift
That I am proud to share with her
And just because we can
Have nights spent together
On top of each other or
Entwined in each others words,
Does that make us a couple that
Is "going too fast"?
She is the first person in my life that
I am finally convinced that
Loves me fully and completely.
And maybe the making love is
Just an added bonus,
But that doesn't mean that I
Need it to love her anymore than
I already do.

Just woke up with sweat
and thoughts a blood dripping
down my face.
A sick grin laid across my face
came as soon as Saturn's rings.
Listen closely, the story I will tell
is quits misleading.
For I would never **** a man...
now would I?

He would break into my home
and **** my Mom and Dad
then go for my brother
and guess who is next:
Me!

He'd come straight on in
and I'd be on my phone
he'd see an opportunity because
guess who's watching ****?

He's take what little clothes I have
and throw them across the bed.
He wouldn't care about my screaming
because there is no one in the room.
He'd whip his **** out and
try and slip it in.
I'd scream and cry and
wonder why
"what the hell did I
do to deserve this?"

He'd try to get my hips to
cooperate as he tries to ride fast.
but what he doesn't know is that
this ***** is on the soccer team and
can surely kick his ***.

Somehow I would be on top now
and have his knife against his throat.
I'd smile sweetly and decide to say,
"I learned this from a show!"
I'd slice his blade across his neck
just hitting his jugular vein
because everyone knows that
once it's done
it can never
be replaced.

(r.a.)

He kept trying to tiptoe around the word
but I just wouldn't let him.
"It's ***, you can say it. I know what *** is."
He laughed, looked me deeply in the eyes and
he said, "Fine, ***."
I smirked at him and he coyly did the same.
When she came back into the room and asked,
"gosh, I can't leave yall alone in a room for more than 5 minutes, huh?"
I looked over at him as he blushed a deep scarlet,
and I looked down as I smiled at the ground.
One second I am bold,
and the next I cannot help but to be so shy.
What is going on?