It was my first time
And I was dreading it.
I felt like God and I just weren't on the same page.
After all, I was in love with a girl
and I am a girl.
So, I thought I was ******.
But, I put away those thoughts for those few days
And I prayed.
I prayed as hard and as loud as I could.
For the first two days I made sure I talked to nobody.
I didn't want them to know how awful I was.
I had done so many awful things,
Especially in the past few weeks before I had went there.
So I prayed.
I asked for forgiveness.
I know I got it from him, and never really from you.
But, I learned something at camp.
I cried, and I knelt down on the ground and pleaded,
"God, please. I'll do anything to undo the pain I caused.
I don't want her to hurt, I can feel it, I can feel her pain."
And while I never really got an outright answer,
Something happened.
I was learning how to forgive myself.
It's so important to learn how to do that,
Because not everyone will completely forgive you,
Maybe people like me can easily forgive others,
But many others cannot.
And with you, I never really understood why you tried so hard to forgive me.
I still think it was because you loved me,
But even that seems too radical and unrealistic now.
Forgiveness is something so powerful.
It helps you put away the bad,
And it helps you to move on.
We both have hurt each other,
It's just a matter of forgiveness now.
So the question is:
*Will I forgive you and will you forgive me?

What's the occasion?
What's with all the flowers?
Why did you bring them here,
It's not even at the hour!
"She died" he said
And he gasped with fright
And he sighed and said
"It was throughout the night"
He cried and cried
Then realized his whole
She wasn't dead!
She was just missing her soul!
He leaped with joy
Ran to her way
And opened the door
To finally say--


"I love you."

there are parts of you left growing around me. in this sea of green and blue, I add salt in places so you cannot grow there anymore. I'm tired of seeing weeds in places sunflowers used to grow and where roses used to overflow, but all that's left are thorns and dead flowers that wish for someone else to water them. I can't water you anymore... you were never mine to take care of or to help grow. you're a lovely flower and all you deserve is the purest water in the world to help you to grow, and I just could never be the one to give it to you. my water is too toxic, too deadly, and too deficient of all the vitamins and the nutrients that you need to help you to flourish. and for that, I'm sorry. I know that I flooded you with my toxic water and I let myself choke you with my wrongdoings and my ignorance, and I know I can't make up for it, but you're a flower and you need to grow and I know, we all know, that in order for a flower to grow, it has to be nourished in the right manner. I wish I wouldn't have overwatered you with my toxic water, little flower, but it's time to go grow somewhere new. because my garden needs to be renewed and there's just simply nothing more that I can do for you.
*(it'll just hurt more if you stay in places where you're not meant to flourish anymore)

You deserve so much more than the world and I'm sorry I'm not quite ready to give it to you, but I'm trying to be. I just want to be the best possible version of myself and I sure as hell have a lot to work on and I don't want to hurt you, so that's why I'm trying to keep you at a distance. I want you to be happy and I want to be there when you are and when you're not and I just want to make you smile and *******, I just want to hold your hand and to tell you that it's all gonna be okay. But everything is so complicated and my thoughts are jumbled and my throat is so tight and it's hard to say my true feelings because I need to fix some things before I can give you what you deserve. Hell, I'm probably much less that what you actually deserve, but I'd be a lot of things if it meant that I could just see you smile again and again and again.
I just need to get through some things and then you'll see, oh honey, you'll see that I'm just trying to be the best that I know I can and will be.

Hey, it's okay.
Want to know why?
My feelings for you are gone.
I'll remember the times we
Had
And I ll never forget them.
I'm just saying that it'll still
Be the same,
Just with less passion and
Love.

You know you're in Love
when Love doesn't seem to be
the word to describe how you
feel anymore because it
doesn't even come close to
explaining  her
superb beauty.

I used to think you were my
antidote but
I'm starting to believe that
You're the source of my
death.

Your eyes used to scream 'Innovation'
But now they just whisper short and
Unspoken words that means
I'm a complication.

I have two ways I could
Ask you out:
#1-
We could be sitting under a sheet
With all the lights turned out
On my bed (or yours)
And we could be laughing and then
I'd kiss you.
We'd look at each other after and then
I'd smile and say,
"Will you be mine?"
#2
We'd about to be leaving for
Our first travel trip.
We'll be eighteen and
You'll be packing up upstairs.
I'll pull in with my car and
Pull out chalk from the backseat.
I'll sit on the ground and draw some
Words so that when you come outside
You can see them.
It'll say, "Will you be mine?" And
Have two boxes under it.
One will say yes and the other will say no.

Hopefully you won't even have to check a box because
You'll be in my arms
Crying
Laughing
And be mine already.

It didn't feel wrong.
Touching you felt like
touching God.
I didn't know something could be so
beautiful and delicate yet
so strong and fierce.
The second I realized this,
I should've stopped
but I couldn't.
Your eyes were closed, you fingers were
rubbing my knee
and I could just tell that
you loved every bit of what was happening.
When I found the spot you loved so much
I needed to keep going.
You would've let me,
but it was the wrong place for
something so beautiful to happen.

Who knew that someone could make me
lose all sense of right and wrong?

All I want is to give you what you deserve and so much more.
Is that something you want?

I
Want
To
Immerse
Myself
In
You.

The way our
Fingers brushed
On that cold night
As I ran my
Fingers
Through your hair,
Down your
S
  P
    I
     N
        E
Made me love you
Even more.

But,
Sadly,
That's all gone.
The feelings have deminished into
Nothing.

I hope it's what you wanted.

the thought of seeing you again makes me hopeful for the future, god I've missed you

with you
i am a
singularity.
i am
nothing and
everything
all at the
same time.
you make me
feel like i am
so important,
then like i am
not even
alive.

will i make the big bang or will i
be a one in a million shot like
all the other universes
were?'

"As the old catechisms used to say, knowledge is a prerequisite for love."

Will you let me
Hold you?
Not just you,
But your world,
Your universe;
I'd like to see it
In my hands,
In my arms,
Open...
Wide.
Open for you to be my
World,
My universe.

i used to try and
make my own arkwork but
everytime i did
i ended up with cut up skin and
tarnished hair clippings.
now i just
color in the lines of a
childrens book
and hope that
the bad thoughts
leave me
alone.

My Aunt was hemming my
     skirt for school today.
              And as I stood on the chair
        To try it on,
     I realized the hook on the
        Ceiling could easily
     Fit a rope,
  Then I could tie
A noose and
   Put my head in
And kick
    The chair
                                                    Away.

I've realized a few things about over thinking:
Yeah, it may **** ******* *** but
You do get the truth out of it sometimes.

Like, for instance,
When you told me something that other day and
You said it was for the good of me.
No it wasn't.
You're lying.
Yeah, maybe it might have helped me from
Being even sadder but
I could've helped you overcome these things.
We promised not to and guess what?
We both broke that promise.

Saying we wouldn't do it because
The other couldn't?
*******.
It's sick.
It's like the cutting games over here
And I don't want to be in it.

You say "oh I care, thats why I didn't tell you."
*******!
How much more hurt do you think I'd be
If you would've told me first?
I'd rather find out from you than
The ******* Internet.
It's Disgusting
I wanted to cut so much that night
And I remember you naming the pros and cons,
Saying how its "not worth it"

Well,
With the things that are going on and
The secrets that are being kept
I think it's necessary.

We end our day up on the roof
I say I'll jump, I never do
But when I'm drunk I act a fool
Talking 'bout , do they sew wings on tailored suits
I'm on that ledge, she grabs my arm
She slaps my head
It's good times, yeah
Sleeve rips off, I slip, I fall
The market's down like 60 stories
And some don't end the way they should
My silver spoon has fed me good
A million one, a million cash
Close my eyes and feel the crash

Those lips of
Yours
Call my name;
I just wish I could
Hear.

The sound of your
Voice
Is soothing
But it's just
Something I seem to
Fear.

you have me shaking..
my tongue is unable to form
a single coherent word
without slipping and saying
how much I am starting to
abhor the way you can
talk while I am expected to
be silent and all
alone.

I didn't fall in love of coarse
It's never up to you
But she was walking back and forth
And I was passing through.











I noticed atfterward after I searched my poem on the Internet after I wrote it that it's already a poem... So um, I guess cheers to the guy who really made this? By Leonard Cohen

Sorry Leonard, didn't mean to steal it.  :P

if my smile is so "electric", then why the hell am i constantly running around this track to be with you when you can't even bring yourself to type out the simple word "hello"?

This is how it works in
My brain:
If I cut my hair,
I won't cut myself.
I'll take it out on
My hair and
It won't mean a thing.
But on my wrist it
Somehow means I'm
A monster.

I've allowed myself to develop a crush on him, but I know I will just end up being crushed, so why bother?

you always pretended to
care about me.
that it was okay
to act this way.
with you,
nothings okay.
with you,
im in the dark
because i always believed
you were my light.
you're a fighter and
the shelter i'm in
hasn't been repaired
by you like it
should be.
with you,
i know what its like
to be alone.
with you,
my heart breaks
times and times again.
nothing is okay
with you
anymore.

my blood pours and
i call to you for a rag but
you must've taken it
by accident when you
picked up your clothes off the
floor this morning.

And I didn't want to be a flower, I wanted to be a ****. I wanted to always been in your heart, so that whenever you decided to pluck me out, I would come right back and infest your whole self with me over and over again.

i hope you care about
me as much as
you say you
do.

She has seen me tremble
and has seen me cry
you know you're in love
and yet you don't know
why.

the stars cant decipher
what i see in
you
through your eyes
i reach the heavens
in skies ever so
blue.

i had to stay
after today so
i could help
another teacher
out, but im
not complaining
because through
this window,
i can see you.
smiling,
laughing,
being the
joyous person
you are.

i can tell you're
happier and
i just love that.

im trying real hard to
make it easy for me
but when you asked me
why im was always so
busy and why i
never come by anymore
i didnt know
what to say.

and yet i wonder why i
cower at the thought of
him not returning
my love,
and yet i am the
one pretending that
i never felt that
way.

Soft ringing becomes louder. And louder. And louder.
I guess I can open my open my eyes now. I don't think about anything, not even afraid to see what the shattered world in front of me holds. So I open my eyes. It was just another mistake. I hear my mother's voice in my head, speaking to me when I was a child. It was not soothing, but somewhat scolding warnings of what can happen if you don't use caution. I remember her words, her warning. Now that I have forgotten that warning, I open my eyes, to only find the holder of that voice in a world that I've only heard of, and don't know where it could be. All I know is that the holder of a precious, cautious voice, can no longer use it to give caution.

Depression and bitterness are a lethal mix.

I'll do you a favor and
Pretend I never felt
Anything for you.

Maybe I've let
Myself f
              a
                l
                 l
To hard
And now it's
Time to let
You g                   o.

I'm trying to find you,
But the lights are off.

Maybe I should **** someone
or better yet, I should just
**** myself.

I counted.
At first I thought it was 40.
Then I counted again--
42.
Then I counted again--
42.

They're burning and they
Remind me of what I cannot fix.

Oh, oh
how you have saved the one I love
Through your words
Your songs
Your everlasting love
For those around you
And even after you.
Today I wish to celebrate you
Because your life is something
So special
That even I cannot
Seem to understand.
Please, keep my baby girl
Safe, oh
How she loves you so.
And oh,
How I love her.

you probably thought i was dumb for looking at you like that,
but i couldn't even help it.

i can't help it.
and that's what scares me the most.