Today i had an epiphany
I will never understand what it feels like to be an athlete
or in with the endless sea of Birkenstocks and long flowing locks
of perfectly placed hair
All of my peers who need the simplest of reassurances
revealing their inherent need for transparency
loosing all functionality
without that golden sticker
an obsessive need to be valued

When i walk down the hall i dont see the world as a test
i see it as a showcase
not to flaunt my arrogance
but to show who i am with elegance
Today I had an epiphany
that i  am different and have the ability to find value within myself
Today I had an epiphany

Having a seizure is like falling
losing all sense of direction
Feeling as though your body is battering
Itself in a sense of constant emergency
Feeling as though you're in danger of shattering.

Having a seizure revolutionizes the definition of the word pain
When your brain starts to buzz
And your blood starts to boil
You lose all your faith in the world once loyal

I was in class one day writing a story while i was supposed to be listening
The world that day seemed to be glistening
But then it began
It's like my heart got up and ran
I thought i had it but then it slipped through my fingers like sand

It's hard to explain but i'll give it a try.
Have you ever wondered what it feels like to die
When your body gives way and screams out for help
When it feels like something is Tearing through every inch of your body as if trying like hell to make your insides become out

To have a seizure is to know vulnerability
To make your body a breeding ground for hostility
When you fall to the floor and lose your sense of movement
Your back arching so far St. Louis would make you a monument

The body is savage
Inflicting maximum damage
As electricity coursed through my body and lets me know that i am his

I was walking down the hallway one day and this girl i had just met stop me
She had grabbed my arm
I didn't know she was there so i was bound to give her the stare
The one that says daddy didn't raise no fool
She stuck her face real close to mine and said
Hiiiii
Condescending and quite rude but go with it
I said hi back and we talked about our class we had together
And then i said it


Sorry i have to go i have to get to my college class now
And then the world slowed down as she said to me
Wow I just assumed you were *******

And in what i think is a natural response
I wanted to deck her so hard she wouldn't be able to get back up.
But the devil lost that day and i simply said No and walked away

She wasn't the first of offenders
Sometimes i wish society could be censored
But instead i let them find bliss in their ignorance

The next time you laugh and say
“Dude are you having a seizure ,”
The answer is no because if they were
they’d know what it feels like to fall

When you were five            
Your mom told you you could do anything
That you could reach new heights
That the stars were just a mile marker
Your life was just beginning
That you were unstoppable

My pep talk was a little different
You see no matter how high my heart soared
My body was scarred
My mamma said you can walk today
That sitting up won't feel as bad today
That the scar down my back was my beauty mark
That one day it may even be my trademark

Well that might be true mamma but i don't need a trademark i need a childhood
One full of sticky fingers and princess stickers
One of training wheels and a smile made of orange peels

To say i never had these things would be a lie
I've seen disney
I've had a mud fight and said you missed me
But through every laugh through every smile i had the hospital on speed dial
After 15 surgeries and about as many years my life began to change
Because with every scalpel
And even more taxing battles

My body became mine again
After three months of hospital jello
And promises of it will get better tomorrow
My legs finally belonged to me
When i said zig they didn't say zag
When my foot hit the floor i didn't wanna burst open like a chip bag

It's been 12 years since my life truly began
Everytime i walk in the room i hear the choirs of angels singing
Because I walked into a room
When i think about my life
I'm not clinging to a maybe
All that pain is nothing but a memory
But i will not forget my journey

I will never walk a straight line
Or run a marathon
But there are some things that i will do
I will be sure my past does not define me
I will not be ashamed of my disability
I will tell the world my story

Cerebral Palsy is not a disease
When you walk down the street and see me there is no need to flea
No you will not feel sorry for me

Cerebral Palsy is not a burden
It's a challenge
IT is a struggle
But it is one i happily will carry because this is who i am

A baby was brought into this world
but not without
preperation

Not without
Questions

Will she be an athlete
Will she like the color pink
She will be a blonde I think

The parents read the books
bought the diapers
had the showers

All leading up to 6:56 a.m.
On September 28th 2001

That was the day I met my beautiful little sister
She is 14 today and here are the thigs Ive learned
She loves the feeling of the wind as she runs
and hates anything green
She loves the movies we see
the books we read
and the laughs we share

But I hope she knows that the thing I love the most
is
HER

Be Positive
Thats what people tell me
Be Positive

Be Positive
What if i wanna be inquisitive
I wanna be cognitive

I wanna see the world and live
Be incoclusive

Be learning and inquiring
Maybe sometimes be a little negative

Why do I always hve to be
Positive

Something that is lacking
Ive been racking my brain
What can I do to make this go away

I thought of material things
clothes
hair
makeup
The thought didn't make me feel better

The school year is starting
I realized that even though the summer is parting
I can do this

Stand up straight

Take a deep  breath

1....2....3

Why is she so Negative
Is it because she thinks she's cool
or because she is at school.

Her negativity makes me sick
I wonder what makes her such a never mind

Newsflash woman
People do have it harder than you
Some people like to smile
Some peole need inspirational quotes
Some people are happy

Im
so
sorry
That you feel so
Negative

Robert frost wrote a poem about all the places he sees in the shadows of the night.....And when i read it I made my own version.

I haven't been everywhere but i like to think i've been around
Some places I've seen deserve crowns

I've been to the brain that makes up roaring waves.
I've been to the music that some say saves
I've hit the floor that holds me down
and seen the people who make no sound
I've been to the place some call hell
And what Ive been above ground which i like to think is my own piece of heaven.
And if there is a heaven in the sky
I will go knowing
That I've been around
Even the shadows you see at night

I am a ****** to love
No one has ever squeezed my hand
No one has ever blinked an eye in my direction
No one has ever put his arm around me at the movies
so that I could say "Thats such a cliche ."

But that is okay.
I ask myself if I care
And most the time the answer is no
Im okay by myself

So I guess what im trying to figure out
is why it matters so much
to you

Thats what she calls her hair
She wont be here
What will i do without her here

She's my friend
The messages we send make me smile
No matter how many miles
I will always remember
When she told me about her Golden strands of joy

Love you Klaryssa

she told me my Seizures were INCONVENIENT for HER
That they were UNIMPORTANT
That they should stop

And I wished I had the guts to say

I  agree
They ****
But they are not Unimportant
They are major
They are painful
and so are you
You dont care
You have no regard for human life
You dont matter to me
I wish......

I wish you respected me
That you understood
But you dont
And that is not my job to teach you
It is your job to teach me

I am not unimportant
I am amazing

I told her
A lord behold she didn't seem to care.
Why am i in despair
I told her people can see my poetry
Respond
See the words that spawned from these emotions
But she didn't seem to get the notion
to notice
She was busy
Its fine
My words can still shine

Compelling
The swelling of my brain
when the pen hits the paper
And the thoughts start to flow
I get to let go
Of all the hate
I swear i might suffocate
Of the emotions kept inside
It sure would be  a wild ride
to let these people in
would that be a sin
Where should i begin
The beauty of my skin
or
Maybe the things i keep within

Whether you are Riding Shotgun or playing Follow the Leader there is always something in between the seat.
The Dreams you shoved down because you thought you weren't good enough
or the feat that made you rise so high but eventually fell
like you were under the spell
of self hate
made you feel like you didn't deserve to participate

I am here to tell you
let that feeling dissipate
Pull your long lost dreams out of the Abyss
Add it to your to do list
Cause your dream is worth perusing
and your life worth continuing
Pull yourself out from in between the seat