I FEEL SO ALONE

    MY LUNGS WONT LET ME SCREAM

              SO MAYBE I CAN SCREAM THROUGH TYPED WORDS ON A BLANK PAGE

        I FELL SO ALONE

WITH YOUR ARMS WRAPPED AROUND MY WAIST
  
        I CANT TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, BUT MY BODY WONT LET ME CARESS YOU

I FEEL SO ALONE

EVEN THOUGH YOUR WARMTH TRIES TO PRY ITS WAY THROUGH MY SKIN SNEAKING ITS WAY TO MY BLOOD STREAM

IM STILL IN PAIN, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD WASH IT ALL AWAY WITH THE SWIPE OF YOUR HAND AS YOU DO WITH MY SHEDDING TEARS

I FEEL SO ALONE

       ALL THE VOCIES IN MY HEAD

AND I CANT BREATHE IM SUFFOCATING

ALL THE LIES. ALL THE EYES. ALL THESE CRIES.

CHOKE US TILL WERE NUMB.

I ripped out my heart
And served it for you on a silver platter
You said, "dont worry baby, it wont shatter."
You put it on the top shelf of the wooden glass case
You told me it was the safest place.

What you failed to mention was that
You got angry,
And your vision got blurry.
You threw me against the glass
Making it crash
Against the hard wood floors
Each piece breaking and shattering

You pinned me against the wooden case holding my arms together tightly out of your reach,
Grabbing my shoulders, you slammed me again, easing your voice to a deep scream.
And as my still beating heart dropped to the floor
You picked it up with deft fingerings and starting picking away the pieces of shattered glass
Making your fingers bleed

You slid the glass against my skin causing small cuts where your hands should have been
Raising your fists in the air holding in your defending scream
You released me
As i caught air, i ran
For the door

And you pushed me making me squirm against the floor
Still grabbing the handle
Twisting and turning trying to escape
You picked up my heart
And threw it at my face

It was broken, torn up to shreds
And you left me.
Holding onto the handle, dead.

Her name is an oceans wave
Or a tree that creaks when it sways in the wind
Its the church bells chimming together in sweet harmony from a distance
Its the singing songs of wildlife in the depths of the unknown forests

Shes a girl with brown eyes with golden specks.
Long brown hair always kept straight at the ends.
A body that everyone dreams of having, when you see her you can hear the crowd catch thier breath as she walks into the room.
All eyes on her.

She has the voice of the lullabys your mother sang to you when you were five.
She has healing hands, just as Snow White she makes everything come alive
Each footstep she takes you can see the grass grow greener and the flowers turn colors rather than black and white.

She makes sunsets look like rainstorms, and mountians look like hills.
She has laughters filled with grief and sorrow printed across her teeth.
She has this blue cloud radiating from her body, you can feel her when shes not even touching you.

Her cries are filled with dread, all the thoughts that swarm her head. Death seemed like a way out, but she couldn't bear the pain of her mother at her funeral.
Her grandparents died in the beginning of sixth grade, she said to me that one day they will come knocking on the front door saying they had a lovely trip.
She sees them in the butterflies that fly and the trees that spoke. She sees them in herself.

She has cuts on her arms and three on her thigh, i remember asking her why.
I graze them every now and then, but she doesnt seem to notice, my heart burns and breaks each time i see them.
She has eyes that sparkle but heavy bags that show her pain.
I never got an answer to my question why, just a shy smile and shake if her head.
Shes always been mysterious, never speaking the whole truth. But never confessing to a lie

She is beauty in a sunrise and she is beauty in a thunderstorm.

Hushed voices
Silent cries
Soulless eyes
Hearts full of lies

Dear Trevor Matthew May,

One day far from now, you'll look back on this. You might read it once and shove it in the top right drawer of your desk, or you might re-read every single line till you have it memorized. Maybe you'll take a quick glance at it and blur all the words together to make just one black shadow on the paper. At least it will make you think of me...

Once i told you, that the moon makes me think of you. I remember when i thought that. I was sitting on my back porch smoking a cigarette with Lewis Watson "sink or swim" playing in the background. Which we decided that was our song. The moon was just a sliver through the evergreen trees. And thats how i saw you. Even the slightest part of you was so bright that it shined through evergreen trees and warmed my cold heart. Your heat has spread through me like wildfire and there's not much ice left in my body.

I know that your sneezes come in pairs, when one comes, there's always another. I know that you crinkle your nose every few minutes and that your mouth twitches into a small curve when i whisper your name. I know where your sensitive spot is, right below your belt. I glide my hand along your happy trail and your body wriggles and squirms then you burst out in laughter as i hold your face a kiss you till your still.

I used to think that life was this huge ball made of glass that i could throw at the wall and watch it shatter. I used to think that it was all pointless and that nothing lasted forever and it would soon be over. I remember holding death in the palm of my hand. Just a few simple pills that could end everything. As they were starring back at me i realized i couldn't leave, not just yet. I needed to stay, not for myself but for the people around me. I thought that maybe no one would care if i was gone, and maybe they still wont. But i couldn't take the risk. People say suicide is selfish but people don't understand the thoughts running through a suicidal persons mind.

Your eyes are brown with hidden specks of gold flakes in them, they shine golden on a sunny day with the lights just right. I think i fell in love with your eyes because theres this quote from a book that i hold dearly to my heart, "as dawn goes down today, nothing gold can stay." Your eyes remind me of that because some days your eyes are gold and others they're this dark gloomy brown thats warm and comforting. Nothing golden can stay just like the flakes in your eyes or the sun, it always dies for the moon.

I saw you in a crowded room full of people everyday for a year. Sitting in the same classroom, barely knowing each other. I saw your curly brown hair and your smile when you laughed, i noticed the way you move your hands and the way your eyes shifted to mine, everyday i saw you, barely able to say your name. Anxiety was a prison back then, who would have known you would be the one that i fell in love with.

There are moments when i doubt that you love me, there are times when i feel to ahead of myself and i know I'm not ready. But there's never a dull moment with you, its always something and thats when i know i love you. I remember the first time we "tried" to make love to one another. It was a complete disaster, we laughed and giggled at the way out bodies lined up, and your chin hit my forehead and then you'd kiss it to make it feel better, or when we would laugh so hard our belly ached we we kissed and our lips made the **** like sound.

But i remember the time we did make love, i could feel you, every single part of you. Buried deep inside me, i felt you. I felt us, just one being, one person. I remember crying afterwards because im emotional and i cant handle big things or change. I remember you whispering in my ear, "this will be your real first time". And in that moment i knew, you would be the one to break me. With all your love and all your heart, it would shatter me to pieces in one soft moment.

Theres gonna be times when I'm sad and i don't know why, there will be times when i just want to cry myself to sleep. Its this chemical in my brain that make me sad, its just an unbalanced chemical.  Im sorry that i cant always be happy. I wont always be the person you want me to be, and for that i am deeply sorry. I want to be the one that will always make you happy, but sometimes i just cant.  I promise you that i will always try my hardest. I will try to make you happy and show you how much i love you, i will try to show you that you are the one.

Love,

Rachael

Mother Nature is calling me home
telling me to escape this horrid place
she whispers in my ear through the wind
saying all the flowers are dead
come with me and you will feel alive
sunflowers and  dandelions
will cover your eyes
there are no dead roses
and trees cut from there souls
only waterfalls filled with healing powers
and sun dazed smiles
She says run with me
and as she grasps my hand
I can feel the earth within her
She tells me run, don't be afraid
we have to leave this place
escape to the moon
so we can watch from above
where everyone looks like ants
and we have the magnifying glass
watching them burn and squirm
and life leaving there dead eyes.