Sharks have to move to breathe
Sometimes I feel as though I am the same
If I stop moving I will suffocate
Relaxation feels like a pillow smothering my face

If I stop running they will catch me
All the pain I’ve spilt
My shame
My guilt

All combined into a lurking monster
Chasing me through the forest
I want to pause
But I can feel the monsters claws

My lungs start to ache
The tears stream down my face
I cannot brake
I cannot lose this race

The flow is knives

Chronic pain is an endless loop
Like Sisyphus and the stone
Pushing to be able to do regular tasks
And the pain as the boulder rolling back down over and over

Go with the flow they say
As if the flow isn’t knives
The water burning my skin
The fish eating my soul

Don’t focus on the pain
The pain is all I can think of as I lie on the floor waiting for it to pass
As I am unable to get up due to the agony
As I have to ask for help again and again

I do not like asking for help
I do not like doctors
I do not like hospitals
I do not like admitting defeat

But yoga is not going to fix the pain in my bones
Water is not going to fix the feeling that my skin is burning
Eating more veggies is not going to fix the exhaustion
Exercising is not going to fix the grief over who I used to be

People do not understand the amount of grief that accompanies chronic pain
Grief over who I was
Grief over who I will never become
Grief over what I am unable to do

The fight that you will inevitably lose
The feeling of just getting sick and never getting better

Chitter chatter
I’ve understood from a young age that I don’t have to think if I’m talking.
So when I don’t want to think I talk,
And when I’m thinking I’m silent,
I don’t think anyone has ever understood that.

Silence allows my brain converse with my heart,
My soul and logic tugging back and forth,
Constant
Chitter
Chatter.

When the chitter chatters too much I start talking,
The noise has to quiet enough for me to get words out.
They may sound like nonsense,
Even to my own ears,
But it makes the chitter stop chattering
And that’s enough for me.

I do not care if you don’t understand why I ramble on and on about nonsense.
Because it makes my mind quiet and my body at peace,
So I will not stop filling the air with my words
Until my vocabulary is empty
And my brain is happy.

They say that the world is held together by the love and passion of very few people.
The people that keep the world from falling
That keep the world from breaking
That prevent the cracks from becoming chasms on the ground
That keep the earth going around

The children ask
Are these people doctors
Or lawyers
Who could possibly handle this task

No, children
You are mistaken
I say
For those are not the protectors of today

I whisper to the children
As they lean closer, unbidden
The very few people who keep the world working
Are the people who keep the world learning

They are the teachers
And professors
And mothers
And fathers

Those are who keep the world turning
The populations learning
They make the doctors into doctors
And the lawyers into lawyers

The world would stop turning
All the fires would stop burning
For if the teachers stopped teaching
The people would stop learning

I have not changed
The same memories haunt me
I have not escaped
The same monsters chase me

The words still play in my mind
The boat is sinking
They have never been kind
I am overthinking

I am not the captain of this boat
I cannot outrun these nightmares
The cries stuck in my throat
My eyes dry of tears

Recovery is brutal
Is trying futile?

A child’s love is not the same as someone who is grown.

A child’s love is like sunshine in April
Like dew on the grass in the morning
Like a stream running through your fingers
Like apples picked from a tree in August

A child’s love is pure
Whole
Without expectations
Without exceptions

A child’s love is innocent
Untarnished
Untouched
Perfect

A child’s love cannot be broken
Whether you are their mother, brother, sister, or father
A child’s love is everything
And should not be taken for granted

I’m always trapped in a cage,
No matter how much I age,
People’s expectations,
My own limitations,
The iron bars surround me,
The cages won’t let me free,
I’m surrounded by my failures and guilt,
It was a cage I built,
But a cage nonetheless,
My soul bleeds pain like pus from an abscess,
Everything I’ve done,
Every failure on rerun,
Maybe eventually I’ll heal from all of this,
But I’m within the cages abyss,
Unable to fully be,
Until my cages set me free,