I have not changed
The same memories haunt me
I have not escaped
The same monsters chase me

The words still play in my mind
The boat is sinking
They have never been kind
I am overthinking

I am not the captain of this boat
I cannot outrun these nightmares
The cries stuck in my throat
My eyes dry of tears

Recovery is brutal
Is trying futile?

A child’s love is not the same as someone who is grown.

A child’s love is like sunshine in April
Like dew on the grass in the morning
Like a stream running through your fingers
Like apples picked from a tree in August

A child’s love is pure
Whole
Without expectations
Without exceptions

A child’s love is innocent
Untarnished
Untouched
Perfect

A child’s love cannot be broken
Whether you are their mother, brother, sister, or father
A child’s love is everything
And should not be taken for granted

I’m always trapped in a cage,
No matter how much I age,
People’s expectations,
My own limitations,
The iron bars surround me,
The cages won’t let me free,
I’m surrounded by my failures and guilt,
It was a cage I built,
But a cage nonetheless,
My soul bleeds pain like pus from an abscess,
Everything I’ve done,
Every failure on rerun,
Maybe eventually I’ll heal from all of this,
But I’m within the cages abyss,
Unable to fully be,
Until my cages set me free,

When their lungs are still expanding
But your world is crashing
When their heart still beats
But you just feel defeat
When neither of you intended this
But your pain is an endless abyss
How do you thrive
When you are grieving someone who is alive

Under different circumstances who I could have become
She would be
Carefree
Smart,
Confident
Friendly
Trusting
Loving
She wouldn’t think everyone is going to leave her
She wouldn’t see memories of the past in people’s actions
She would trust that people mean what they say
She could love
And be loved
But I am not her
I grew up hard and rough
I wasn’t able to be that carefree
I will never be smart and confident
I will always struggle to make and keep friends
I will always struggle to love
And I will never be able to be loved

Leaves fall all around
Collapsing to the ground
As the days pass
Shriveling in the grass
The weather gets colder
The weight gets heavier on my shoulders
My mind gets darker like the night
The snow is all that is in sight

You would think having little pieces of them everywhere would be a comfort
A reminder that they never truly leave you
But instead of a comforting hand on your shoulder
It’s a cold haunting feeling of what you lost
Of who is gone
Because the comfort of ghosts
Is no comfort at all