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 Dec 2013 individuality-exists
D
To sleep is to be free
Free from all the stress
Caused by too much of this
****** up reality called
Life
I wish there was a way to live in our dreams forever. But not our nightmares.. those don't count. Because nightmares are just the byproduct of reality seeping into our  peaceful innocence and corrupting it.
as if there aren't
enough ghosts already
i hope
you hang your dreams
on the front door
coat-rack
and your noose on
my
hope.
Why don't you want to have a party or anything for your birthday?*

**Because it won't be a party for me it'll be a funeral instead
you just kinda looked at me
with that look
that is so
******* you
and I guess we exchanged a
feeling
that something had to happen
and a
feeling
of sadness again
Open my door and open my mind
I take a second and go back in time
I go back to when, I didn't know you
Go back to when sad wasn't just blue
It was clear and it was real and it lingered in my air
It didn't take a breath, it only took your stare
To remind me of why my pillow was wet
Back to the times when a smirk was a threat
When days would drag on, while I was with him
They weren't really days because light was so dim
He tore me apart like junk mail on Saturdays
Scared me and bruised me, then begged me to stay
That's when you found me with my toes off a cliff
You took my hand, and gave me a kiss
A kiss that would heal, more than the pills
A kiss that seems to walk along with me still
Because when I wake up in the middle of the night
I remember you're there, holding me tight
But it's when I start to close my eyes
& go back to when, dark was a time
& light was a thing I didn't know of
When a hug from you was the same as a shove
& it brings me back to my toes off a cliff
& my heart starts to shake and my body gets stiff
But behind my eyelids, I decide to fall
Hoping my memories will fall along with it all
a.m.
this was about a dumb boy, now it's relevant for a different dumb boy
The woman, or the character?
Was I born of flesh, and bone,
or merely a figment born of a
lonely writer’s imagination.

Do I not see this woman I appear to be?
Were these eyes, with which I see
created for me within a mother’s womb, or
merely a mirror image of what you wish to see?

When I say the words “ I love you”,
is it my heart speaking, or the
emptiness of pen against paper?
Do I even possess a heart, do we?

When I cease to exist, will you feel my pain?


Kathleen M. Kohl/Levinski
.



































                "It's ok. Just breathe. You're going to be alright."




























.
how many times can i beg you
not to forget me
how many moments can i cradle
in the palm of my hand
how many situations can i find myself in
without wanting to get out of them
how many times can i think of you
and wonder if you’re thinking of me, too
how many memories can come back to haunt me
just for me to kiss every ghost
how many times can i make a decision
then turn on my heel and say;
“i’ve changed my mind”
how many people can i take for granted
until they’re not here to take for granted anymore
how many mistakes can i make
without choosing to learn from them
how many planes can i get on
without knowing if i will ever land
how many potential lovers can i come across
without ever actually wanting a lover at all
how many times can i tell you i’m sorry
without truly wanting your forgiveness
how many songs can i play
without feeling like they mean something
how many poems can i write
without even knowing what the **** i’m trying to say
how many fears can i face
without having a back-up plan
how many times can i hope
that you will miss me
how many times can i pray
that out of sight is not out of mind
how many times can i beg
you not to forget me
please don’t
please don’t
please don’t
forget
me.
for i don’t know
if or when
i shall see you again.
Why are you so tired you just had two extra days off of school**

The thing is though,
The tiredness I feel can't be relieved.
There are not enough minutes, hours, days, months, or years of sleeping that could cure the tiredness I feel.
No amount of sleep will get rid of the weariness I feel.
You see, although I do not sleep much because of the never ending nightmares.
I am more worn from having to drag myself out of bed every morning.
Paint on the smile.
Pile the coverup on my wrists.
My heart feels so heavy.
My mind is overwhelmed.
You see, no amount of sleep could cure the tiredness inside me.
Have you even gotten to your room at night and just start crying?
Not necessarily because you're sad,
But more because you're worn out and tired.

Tired of the drama.
The lies.
The day to day *******.
One tear turns to two then three then four.
Before you know it you find yourself clenching a pillow to your chest begging
PLEASE


no more


But the voices in your head they don't listen.
They keep spilling out words and attacking
And kicking
And screaming.

forcing themselves to be heard


And my heart,
Oh my weary heart.
It begins to pound deep in my chest.

PLEASE GOD MAKE THEM GO AWAY. I NEED SOME REST

But the do not seize, they just keep attacking as they please.  
So I find myself rocking on the floor.
Head clamped between my hands.
maybe if I cover my ears they'll leave
But who am I kidding.
I can't hide.
I can't sleep.
I can't get away from the monster inside of me.
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