I never thought my arms were bad

Until my sleeves rode up and the boy next to me in English snorted and gagged like he'd just touched something slimy and chill-worthy and then continued to say "Jesus Christ your arms, what the ****??"

I don't think I've ever been so silent

Maybe tomorrow he'll gag a lot more

My head is a mess and I'm not really okay
And I'm sorry I can't tell you what the matter is
You're scared that it's you but I swear that it's me

I got to your house and you asked me to dance
Footloose, I'm not even supposed to be seeing you
Romeo and Juliet with the ending and all
My footsteps are clumsy I am sorry
You twirl me and catch me
I want you to stay we can dance while the world burns around us

You've brought me to a camper tonight
Do you know how perfect this is?
It is cold and you are warm so you are mine
You're content with talking to me
I think
I'm sorry I'm not okay with doing more
You kiss my scarred face and my arms
Do you know how much I dream about you?
I'm asleep on your chest
I'm sorry I didn't stay awake

It's a Monday night
Did you know Monday is the most popular day to commit suicide?
It's fitting
Sorry
My mind is a mess and you want to know why
I swear it's not you it's me
But I'm okay I won't ever tell you anything except that

Your eyes remind me of home
But not my home
Because you make me calm and happy
I don't have a home so I will stay with you

Could you please please let me know how my life got to be the way it is?
One minute I'm a bird
The next I'm a bobber in choppy water
The next I'm a cinder block dropped in the ocean

I don't understand why good things go and worse things come

I don't understand the prerequisites I completed to deserve the ******* I've been handed

I never will

Please please try to explain

body dismorphic disorder in the form of cuts will never be deep enough to have an "actual problem"
body dismorphic disorder in the form of cuts will never be large enough to have an "actual problem"
perfectionism in the form of cuts will never be as long as they're supposed to be
perfectionism in the form of cuts will never be as wide and as deep as they're supposed to be
how do I make myself realize I've completely destroyed myself in an attempt to feel okay for a little
how do I make myself realize I've completely destroyed myself in an attempt to fit everything into my perfectionist mentality

this is an apology to my arms and no promises

if you've never collapsed in the snow in front of a fresh grave then I don't want to hear it

3 months feels like 3 eternities without you on this earth

it shatters every part of me to think that you're decomposing, that you're slipping away

tonight, your 3 month death anniversary, I drove to you, got out of my car, and fell to my knees in front of you. my handprints are in front of the flowers people left for you. I was there.
were you there to?
thank you for sending me him, I think you meant it as something to make me happy in the midst of losing you. he wants to see you too, with me. we'll come soon, my angel.
I decided to drink and now I'm too drunk and I can hear your laugh and the sound of it is slamming against the sides of my skull while my face is covered in tears. drinking was a bad idea. can everyone please go away while I melt?
I miss you
I love you
I hope you're safe
this is real life
tell me if you get this
forever, Chris.

2 months and 21 days ago you took your last precious breath. I survive knowing I breath the same air you did.
2 years ago we drank beer and rolled around in the cemetary behind my house in the warm summer laughing at the way we tripped and our untied shoelaces and the way the stars glittered off the marble headstones
2 months and 14 days ago I crumbled in the back of a church while your stepfather read his favorite things about you.
2 months and 14 days ago I watched your casket lower into the dirt, the balloons the town let go for you, to follow you into the sky.
For 2 months and 14 days I watched the grass grow over you through Instagram and Snapchat, your name living on through Ariel size 12pt. when your name thundered out of my mouth while I drove, while your face begged me to stay in my dreams, while your lips screamed I'M RIGHT HERE only inches away from mine. Your laugh echoes in my ears and your smile clouds my vision, always.
Today I worked up the nerve to visit you for the first time in 2 months and 14 days. snow was twinkling off the marble and the sky was sad, the kind of sad where you can't seem to drag yourself out of bed. I knelt down as your ever-lasting candle flame burned a little brighter, and pressed my hands right above where you were. I don't know how long they were there for, but you couldn't touch me back. I left broken hearted. Fly high, my angel. I miss you, Chris.

should I stop writing about you?
if I'm writing about what's on my mind then I'll never be able to
I see you on every side walk I pass
In every store I go into
In every room of my house
In my bedroom
In my bed
In my dreams
No, you're never leaving.
But I never want you to.
When I talk to people all I see is their ****** expressions as an entire town watched you get buried
Every street corner I pass, you're standing there and your eyes are screaming help me
Every store I go into your laugh is chasing me down the isles
You're sitting on my couch
You're drunk on my floor
You're snoring in my bed
You're standing nose to nose with me screaming wake up please wake up
Come wipe my tears and I'll return the favor
I hope to see you soon, angel
You'll **** me if I don't do it first

It's 3AM and I can't sleep because my legs are restless and I know where they want to run to
difficult to comprehend sometimes
that a boy who I laid in parking lots with and laughed at skies with is in a pile of dirt
is that what life really ****** comes to
we're born and its this fabulous miraculous mystery and we're the greatest beings to walk the planet and we can be taken so quickly and just vanish into ******* dust
I'm sick to my stomach thinking of you in your inevitable gold chain and Rolex always so clean and charming and how now you're filled with dirt and you're just a skeleton rotting in a suit
Where'd your big brown eyes go?
I guess I can look at tree trunks and think of you
Or the texture of the next noose I won't have the ***** to use

Merry Christmas, Chris

I'm not sad today
it's sunny and the skies are gorgeous and it stopped raining finally and everyone is happy and I know it's because you're looking down today. The sky's always beautiful when you're looking down.
I'm praying to God or whoever will listen that you're sitting there with your baby brother and your twin in front of a Christmas tree. I'm praying that they know you're with them and that even though things will never be the same that they'll be okay.
Merry Christmas Chris, I owe you. Thank you for instilling your happiness in me today. I'm thinking of you.

you were my bad influence
you got me drunk and sat me down in the grass when I got the spins and when I looked up you were staring at the stars yelling through a smile with clouds of breath coming out of your mouth
you were my risk taker
you brought me to an abandoned asylum and giggled as we ran through the halls, and cackled as we ran from the police
you were my music
we were on my brother's bed enveloped in smoke so thick I couldn't see you and all I could do was bob my head to the sound of your chuckle
you were my safety
every time my mom hurt me you were right there to let me know someone loved me and someone was there
you were my first heart break
you were my first hospital visit
you were my first funeral
you were my first burial

I still remember the way your whole face was put into your smile and your laugh
I still remember your skin lit up with stars and moonlight and your snore in my bottom bunk and the way your voice cracked when you said my name and the way your laughter echoed through every room and every person you encountered. thank you so much for allowing me to know someone as perfect as yourself. thank you for being so many of my firsts. I'm so sorry it was you.

happy thanksgiving Christopher

Today I wanted to go see you
But to be honest I'm terrified of graveyards
So instead I look at pictures
And newspaper clippings
And obituaries
Everything and the only things this town remembers you by
I think everyone's lying
About how good of friends you were
And how close you were
And how much they miss you
I'm cynical
But I ******* miss you so much
I missed our friendship since it ended
I'm so sorry it ended
I'm so sorry you ended

I'm cleaning my bedroom and I found the outfit I wore the last time I saw you folded up on top of my couch. It still smells like the hospital. I can still see my hands in it covering my face as my jaw was dropped and the tears were fighting to stay in my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of your parents. Or you. But then again you were going to be okay. I'm so sorry the doctors were wrong. And I hope you met my dad up there and I hope you met the other kids from our town who went.
happy thanksgiving Chris, I am thankful for knowing someone as happy and positive and good hearted as you were.

I hope you burn
Actually
I hope everything you love burns so you can see things the way I had them
I hope your house goes up in flames and your girlfriend is caught in them and I hope you watch your bike and your xbox burn and I hope you watch your baby pictures burn and the bed that we slept in burn and I hope that as you watch everything you love burn that you can feel something other than ice in your heart.
I hope you can feel it burning
Then you can know what I know
Losing everything to a flame
(That's what she is)

But lastly, I hope you burn.

I fell asleep with your obituary in my hand last night
In my dreams I was finding your grave
I hugged your headstone
I dug you up from the ground
When I finally found you
You were nothing but stained blankets
I wrapped myself in you and laid down where you were

There was a time when I wrote my own obituary
And a screenplay of my death
Do you remember when you found it?
You didn't say anything
But you looked at me like I was already gone
I never thought your name would be in the paper before mine

I don't believe in god
But I hope you're with him
I don't believe in god
But I hope there's a heaven made just for you
I don't believe in god
Because if he were there you'd be here

I woke up this morning with your obituary crumpled in my fist

Where the **** are you

One week and three days ago
You were drinking
She was driving
You know the rest
One week and two days ago
You were still bleeding
Your heart stopped beating
They brought you back to me
One week and one day ago
Your lungs collapsed
You pulled through it
Strongest man I know
One week ago today
I saw your face covered in tubes
I held your hand pricked with needles
My tears dripped on your gown
You weren't awake to see a thing
But they said you were gonna make it
Three days ago
You seized until your heart stopped
Again
I pray to god you didn't feel it
I pray to god you were unconscious
I want you to know I spent the whole night screaming and I didn't sleep until the next
I want you to know you mean so much to me
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND IN WHATEVER I DO WHEN I CRASHED MY CAR I WONDERED IF YOU WERE KEEPING ME SAFE I PASS BY ALL THE PLACES WE USED TO HANG OUT I FOUND PICTURES OF US AS KIDS I'M RIGHT HERE GIVE ME A SIGN THAT YOU'RE HERE AND YOU KNOW I'M TALKING TO YOU CHRIS YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT EVERYBODY LOVES YOU AND you changed an entire ******* town and I'm so sorry you had to be the one

One week and three days ago you didn't cross my mind once
Now for one week and three days straight you've been incorporated into everything I think and say and do

I can't believe you're ******* gone

Are you here?

In my junior year of high school my teacher had us write two separate lists
One of all of the things we hated about ourselves and one of all the things we loved about ourselves
The first was the easiest and I remember filling a page and a half of things I would **** myself over

We ripped these into shreds and threw them in a fire in the science lab

The latter was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I remember only filling half a page, with every other line screaming
I WILL NOT BE A STATISTIC

With each scream the words got more assertive and dark and permanent

I keep that letter zipped in a pocket with my razors

Tonight I left it folded there

Have you ever wondered
How tremendously different of a sound hitting a tree with your car would sound, as opposed to any other sound you've heard before?
That's all I can think about lately, and I drive a lot.
Take my keys from me.
I want to disappear in a box made for me carved with the words of everything I've ever screamed
sometimes when I scream it is just a long AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH that could pierce the ears of the deaf.
Just so we're clear, that should translate into a picture.
Of me standing in a parking lot screaming the same way as you walk away for the last time, holding her hand.

Tonight I'll scream again for the last time, and I swear tomorrow I'll really be over you.

I hope when you see my face you scream until your lungs run out

I hope when you hear my voice you slam your hands over your ears and still can't get me out of them

I hope when someone says my name you smash your head into the nearest wall to erase it

I hope when you see my posts you shatter your phone into millions of tiny pieces to make sure you won't see them again

I hope, when you're alone in your room and you know you should be thinking about her, that I cross that thick skull of yours. And I hope you grab the gun you keep in your basement and I hope you blast it right where I am because how else will you get me out of there?

Truth is, you won't and you never will. Welcome to hell.

You kissed my arms and my face and told me everything you loved about me and we went on hikes and laughed at the sky together
I thought I had it figured out
We danced at prom and you were feeling a little down I brought you up and cradled you till you smiled
I thought I had it figured out
You guys were friends and she was like a sister to you and a best friend to me
I thought I had it figured out
When you hung out you smoked cigarettes together and skated at the park and called each other "dude"
I thought I had it figured out
It's 3 months later and I'm lying on the floor while she's lying in your bed I scream in pain and she screams in joy
I thought I had it figured out
You went from kissing every scar I had to cradling her when she was sad you used to brush my fallen hair back behind my ear and now you pull on hers when she does things right you used to cook me grilled cheese and now she's getting five star meals
I really thought I had it figured out

She walked in front of my car today and it took the entirety of myself not to floor it. I saw you in the hallway today and it took the entirety of me not to paint the walls with your blood.
I thought I had you figured out
I don't even have myself figured out

I emptied out my pocket book
Yes I'm alright and everything's okay

My fingers are bleeding
I found a few blades in the pockets
Yes I'm alright and everything's okay

I repacked it
Charger
Makeup
Chapstick
Glasses
Wallet

And in the zip up part I put the blades
With a note I found stuffed in a folder
Of all of the reasons I love myself

"I will not be a statistic"
Is one of them

I'm sitting back in the room I wrote that note in

This time it's not my fingers that are ******
And I want to write on the walls
"I will not be a statistic"
In red

I need to be alone
Everybody leave me alone
Please don't touch me I might *****
Please don't talk to me I will self destruct

No I do not need a hug
No do not touch my hands
Do not touch my arms
I can take care of myself

I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
I HAVE TWO HEADPHONES IN
PLEASE STOP TALKING NEAR ME
STOP
DON'T TOUCH
DO NOT TOUCH ME
DON'T COMFORT ME
I'M NOT JUST SAYING THIS BECAUSE I AM UNSURE OF WHAT I WANT OR BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I TELL YOU DO NOT TOUCH BACK AWAY DO NOT TOUCH I REALLY WILL SCREAM
I really will scream

But I will scream anyways

I'm not making this up
We are in your basement and your hand is on my thigh and I'm laid across your lap and your other hand is tangled in my hair and I'm falling asleep or maybe I'm waking up
Wait am I making this up?
My eyes are dripping and my breathing is shaky and my face is blushed and you're coming over to me and you pull me really close and you lock me against you and let me drench your clothes I close my eyes on your shoulder and feel your arms around me or maybe I'm opening them
Please tell me I'm not crazy
We're in your pool and you tell me it's okay that I'm scarred and we're underwater and you swim to me and you kiss me under the water your hands are on my face and everything is perfect but it's a little hard to breathe and I'm still underwater or maybe I'm above water and drowning in the air
I don't know if I'm making this up
I think I am crazy

Today I found an old note from you crumbled up in the bottom of my locker

"I love you!! =)"

I'm counting it as the first time you've told me that in 7 months

I'm not weak

I'm a warrior
My face painted with black mascara during battle
My body painted with red blood after I fight
My head screams while
My body screams while
My mouth screams while
My lungs run out

The enemy surprises me whenever they get the chance
They come in the night
3 AM is the closest your body is to death on a daily basis
I'm sure my reasoning isn't the same as yours
Or I hope

The enemy is sabotaging me
Taking over my hands as it shakes out
2 more pills
5 more pills
8 more pills
Here it goes down better with a little cough syrup
How sweet of the voices

My left arm has been badly wounded
The drips down my fingertips
I'll fight on
I'll make it out alive

Sometimes they find me in the bathroom
And right before I'm about to drown
The enemy resuscitates me
What a *******
Just let it happen

The crash hits around now
I fall asleep
On my floor
My t shirt with drips of blood

I wake in the morning, victorious.
Time for school.

There are pictures and you are young like you're my big sister changing my diaper or washing me in a sink do you remember? Me neither that was millenniums ago there is endless time and endless memories and endless problems between then and now and back then do you remember? I know you do you told me I cut my own hair can you see? It's just like my Barbie doll do you remember? You want me to be spoiled I am the only girl I still am my own little oven but I left the spatula in and broke it and then years and years later I wanted to be good I made you dinner it was too heavy and I fell in with it I wanted you happy you held me in the car while I cried with the burns on my skin do you remember? I try not to but also we were both young you flipped the car and we were both sideways but now we're both old she hit us head on we're both hurt am I dead? Do you remember? Do you remember how you thought I was and you cried over me until I woke up a few days later do you remember? Did you love me then? You loved me before do you remember? When our dads died in the same month the same year just days apart you held me like we were going to die if you let go do you remember? You made me leave you don't love me anymore I live with your mom now you made me leave I don't have a family anymore you used to love me DO YOU REMEMBER? I DON'T EVER WANT TO FEEL BAD FOR MYSELF BUT I WANT TO SCREAM I DON'T WANT THE ATTENTION BUT I WANT TO SIT IN A DARK ROOM UNTIL I AM 0% WATER AND NOT 70% YOU USED TO LOVE ME YOURE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME YOURE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY but you don't so will anyone ever? I'm sorry I yelled but I am three and I scraped my knee there is blood dripping down my leg you wiped my tears I'm seventeen now and I've scraped my arm there is a pool on the bathroom floor good thing I know how to clean why aren't you wiping my tears? You used to, mom, do you remember? Can I come home?