secrets, so many secrets
things you'll never guess
secrets so secret, I dare not confess.

secrets that pull me
far down to the ground,
secrets that take me
away to be drowned.

these secrets, so secret
are such a heavy burden
I'm choking, suffocating,
inside my custom prison

as much as I wish, these secrets
must never be spilled
or else how could I feel
anything but killed

how could I tell you
that I'm too afraid to eat
how can I tell you
when I can hardly speak

what will you think
when you know that I self harm
what will you do?
simply stare at my arms

I don't deserve your help, I confess
it is I and only I who is a part of this mess
go, you are free from troubles
enjoy now or it won't last
enjoy it now so in your future
you
will
have
a
fond
past.

Approach the steps and the
bus driver says "Thanks You,"
ignoring the reality
he's driving a bunch of
broke-*** adults whose only wish
is to escape from the middle of nowhere.

Pass the cows, the one steer
in the dairy field stares at
me, looking down once we've left.
Eyes looked intelligent like he should've
been reading T.S. Eliot while sipping green tea.
The two-mile bay goes quickly, holding
its breath as we wave goodbye. It acts
like it never danced before.

Onto another town
the people can't wait to leave.
A crying child enters and the family moves
back, further back, to sit
behind me as I'm writing this poem.

I've never seen innocence so excited
to ride the Greyhound.
Innocence, why won't you shut up?
Failure, please stop glaring at her like that.
She's only a little girl. The smoke
stacks have no comment.

The truck driver keeps appearing
next to us trying to tell us we're all angels.
The trees around the lake agree.
The horses agree, if only
because we harness more horsepower.
The redwoods on each side of the highway
are blocking my view, but I don't
mind we're headed toward the future.
City lights are my future, fog
is my future. The 101 South is my future.
The woman two rows in
front of me sounds like a man.
(S)he is my future.

**** Rio Dell, there's nothing
to do there. Garberville isn't much better.
The green algae pond says hello.
"Will you save Richardson Grove?"
it asks. I didn't answer.

The winding roads are making
me insane. If I didn't
answer, would you notice?
Ferlinghetti must be driving because
he can't keep on track. Oh
where will you take us tonight?

I wake up to the mist on the
water holding my attention.
The Alcatraz of my mind saves
me from myself.

well, you told me i was sunshine
and i told you i was sewage and slime
you said that i was a universal transmitter of love
you said "you are like a bleeding sharpie"
i was confused at that last one

but professed that no; i was a black hole
that soaked up rays of sunshine
and the blood of many sharpies
with unquestionable gravity powers
i crushed the light, it all became night

you tried to explain to me how pretty
sharpies were when you pressed them hard
and they bled out on the page like nothing's left
but i refused to believe
"there was nothing in the first place
life is nothing"

so you asked me what was wrong
and i told you my heart was melting
warm, i could feel it dripping and slipping
you said be happy, and i agree,
i'll be there in a few days. maybe

Dried up like a reservoir
In the mid summer heat
The cracks in the ground
Are like
The life lines, upon my face
I have weathered many a storm
As if
I have lived a 100 lifetimes,
Instead of one!

Bare, rough, ***** feet
Shoes are hard to come by,
These days
Unless, I steal them!
But, then I will become a target
Having something new
It will get stolen from me
By some other gang
Or by some cruel and nasty person!

“Bare feet it is!”
“Less problems, this way!”
Feet are made for walking
I will use them
For what
They are made for!
“Now let’s get something to eat, I am starving!”

Loitering around Hungry Jacks and Macca's
Asking people
As they walk out
With their hot, delicious, fresh food
For a gold coin or two
Dumpsters and bins
Look nice, today!
Only half eaten, stuff
A lot of wastage!
“Not the freshest stuff, but hey!”
Make do, with what we have!

The sun is shining today
Not sure where to wash though...
Water is scarce, thank god for public toilets
They sure come in handy!
They say it is fun
And you are lucky to have freedom!
But,
It is a lie we tell ourselves
To remain ignorant
To pretend, we don’t give a ****
But, inside,
We really do!

For you see ,
There are sacrifices
To the choices you make
When you have to live them, out
“Don’t be a fool!”
Life is no fairytale, on the ***** streets of hell!

During the day,
The city lights up
It glitters
As if
It were made out of gold!
It comes alive with people
Rushing here, rushing there, rushing everywhere
Not really knowing, what
They are presently, doing
People reminding me of robots, sheep and zombies
Acting as if they are in control of everything
When in fact, they are not!

"Who knows what is around the corner?"
"What is coming, your way!"
Life is unpredictable,
"Beware!"

“Don’t be mislead by the fakes, around here”
“There is plenty of them!”
Eyes are on you,
Down every alley way
Standing on every corner
Watching you
"You, are in ‘our territory’ now!"

“Hold onto your bags tight!”
For,
I may be lurking behind you
One minute there,
Next minute gone!
It is the nature of the game
As
I ****** and grab your bag
When I see you off guard
Taking your money
Claiming it, as my own
You see,
I need it to survive on!
I'm banking on you, being rich!
I told you
This place is a hell hole
And,
I meant it!

This dark place
Full of shadows and conscious deceit
Will swallow you up
Eating, you alive!
You will lose your way
In its pit of endless darkness
There is no Prince Charming’s, out here!
There is no one to save you
There are only damsels in distress
Like me!

No one
Comes to your aid
When you need it the most
You could diminish and disappear one day
Within a blink of an eye!
Without a hint
Nor trace of you, left behind
No one will see it happen
Because
No one
Opens their mouth up, around here!
So,
Love and appreciate, one another!
Care for yourself and care for others!
Tell your loved ones
'you love them' often
And,
‘Enjoy'
The home, you live in!

Storms are inside,
they come and go.
Leave me alone
But no, again
each time they come.
I feel helpless.

Tears sometimes pour,
sometimes drizzle,
flowing slowly
to a near stop.
Not fully, but
never-ending.

Just waiting, still,
to flow again
when time is right.
Not right for me,
never for me.
Only for them.

For their release.
They who hunt me,
never let go.
They bring the storms
with their salt tears.
I'm powerless.

No calming down,
not completely.
I wish I could,
but I cannot.
They won't let me.
Always present.

In the back of
my numb, tired mind,
the emotions
keep me on edge.
Leave me alone
but, no, they won't.

The monsters don't live under the bed or in the closet anymore.
They live inside my head.
They feed on my heart.
They still scare the living **** out of me.
Maybe now, even more so then when I was little.
Because when I was young, mommy or daddy could make them go away;
check behind the closet doors...peek under the bed.
Give me a kiss, tuck me in, and my fears would melt away.
But now that Iv'e grown up, I have to face the monsters alone.
Mommy and Daddy can't calm my fears anymore.
I face the monsters by myself;
and Iv'e never been so afraid.