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Daisy Jan 12
Dreams are said to hold secrets of the subconscious.
Messages relayed from the brain to remind us of unresolved issues.

I have a collection of recurring dreams like others collect movies.
Mostly there to provide a resting place for the dust in the air,
but sometimes they are projected in the night.

Tonight it’s the one about teeth.
It usually starts with me standing in a public space,
most likely being looked at,
until my teeth fall from my mouth
one by one until there is nothing left.

A quick google search reassures me of three things
1. this is a common dream for others as well
2. this must mean I am anxious over things out of my control, and
3. that even in our worst fears we are not unique.  

I think about how people are a lot like teeth,
but I’m still learning how to lose people.

About all the ways I’ve laid myself out
as a welcome mat for whoever decides to clean their boots while passing

I am trying to remember that sometimes it’s natural for things to fall apart,
but no matter how much I think I understand what it means for someone to be gone,
I still find my tongue running over the gap.
The space that he should occupy,
that any other day he may have occupied.

His absence is slithering it’s way into my speech,
my voice stumbles around the syllables of his name
as if I must relearn what it means to live with a mouth without him in it.  

Missing teeth.
Like a black hole.
Like maybe you never belonged there in the first place.
Like being six years old,
and learning for the first time
that when something you thought you needed decides that you don’t anymore,
it hurts.

But when you’re six,
and you lose your first tooth,
you celebrate.

The magic of growing up makes the blood look like strawberry jelly,
instead of something to cry over.

But now I’m 19,
so the magic had worn off years ago
and the blood is just blood
and I still don’t know when to give up.

I choke on the word goodbye,
savoring the way it feels on the tip of my tongue,
like it could stay there forever,
instead of leaving my lips to meet him for the first time.

I’ve come to realize that this is less about him,
and more about the ways I tie myself to smoking houses
and refuse to leave even once the flames have began to lick at me.
More about the way I avoid commitment,
while sneaking off to hold hands with attachment as though the two aren’t related.

So I sit,
with gaps the shape of people in my mouth,
and I swallow the goodbye,
tucking it away for another time where I won’t be able to say it.
Daisy Nov 2018
“The brain protects itself from trauma,”
she tells me
“It shuts off corridors full of memories in order to allow you to continue living in the house.”

The house,
which may or may not be a crime scene,
feels like a maze.
Like despite living here my whole life,
I’m not sure where certain hallways lead to,
or what that door opens up to display.
Like walking in the pitch black,
your hands dragging against the walls,
hoping you’ll end up somewhere familiar,
but there are more locks than entryways
and I just don’t have the keys.

“It’s to be expected, you know,”
her voice breaks me from my journey.
“Normal that parts of you are a mystery,
and I just want you to know,
there’s no guarantee you’ll ever get the answers you’re looking for,
but that doesn’t mean we can’t try”

I can hear the words hidden between her teeth,
a soft suggestion,
reminding me that these parts of my history are gone for a reason.
That maybe,
behind those doors is a monster that I don’t want to meet.

“The brain protects itself from trauma.”
Protection like this can sometimes feel like
you’re keeping secrets from yourself,
like somewhere deep down there is a child
who draws pictures and burns them before anybody
gets a glimpse at what her eyes have seen.

Sometimes I don’t care
about the past.
I wake up in the morning,
look at where I am now,
and can almost convince myself that it’s outside of me.
That I’m not affected by what I can’t remember.
I bask in the denial,
in the fact that I can’t be called a victim,
if I don’t recognize the violation.
I can’t suffer at the hands of a faceless,
and nameless atrocity,
only at the impact.

At the ways my hands shake when he moves too fast.
At how, as an adult,
I’m just now learning what it’s like to feel comfortable in my skin
and in others.

I realize I’m poking at a monster,
like every white person in a horror film,
I am investigating the basement when I should just move out.
but when your body is the building,
you have limited options of where to go.

I have ran in the other direction for so long,
and I’m so tired of the unknown.
If one day this door does open,
I don’t know what I will be confronted with.

But I do know that I am stronger than whatever it is that dwells here.
So when I can hear the door **** shake,
I no longer tremble with it.

I have learned to hold my ground,
to move towards the sunshine,
towards the garden,
to water the flowers there
and enjoy the growth.  

I am not that little girl anymore,
I am a fearless *****
and no beast can take that away from me.
Daisy Nov 2018
They say **** is one of the deadly sins
but when his lips travel from my own,
down my neck,
exploring uncharted territory
it feels more heavenly than anything offered in the pages of the bible.

I don’t necessarily believe in god,
but I do believe that his hands are my welcome to the golden gates.
And if god is real,
She would want me drown in his embrace.

She would tell us that this,
this thirst that we have for one another,
is natural and as close to divine as we can get.

The frantic desire to be closer,
despite being on top of him already,
is a testament to the power She gives us.

A verse hidden between the lines,
She whispers about the apple,
and how the hidden knowledge Eve was granted
was never really a secret in the first place.
but instead,
a test of curiosity,
She dares us to explore.

To take a bite,
and savor the sweetness that we sink our teeth into.
never more alive than in the moments we are gasping for air,
trying so hard to breathe one another in.
Unsure of how long this night will last,
or if we will get another chance at being this bold.

Holding hands,
and throats,
exchanging smiles
and grasping on to anything we can wrap our fingers around.

Shirts,
hair,
sheets.

This is what She meant when She told us we would
long for the lewdness of our youth.

If god is real,
She would want nothing more than
our laughs and jokes to break up the intense reality that we are in.
She would send music down whenever he asks if I am still okay.
She would brighten the moon in glee,
because what could be more angelic than the halo
of hair spread out behind me.

What could be more holy than owning your body
shamelessly.
unbothered by the wind whistling,
cheering us on in this moment.

They say that **** requires a penance,
but if god is real,
She is proud in this moment.

She has granted us the tools and the instinct,
**** was never really a sin.
We don’t need to ask for an absolution,
She grants us pleasure,
whispers that we don’t need to be forgiven.

There is something so humane about
the animalistic sounds clawing their way from his throat.
At the end of the night,
I find myself praying,
thanking Her for each mark on my skin.
Never asking for Her mercy,
this is heaven on earth
and it was She who created it.
Daisy Oct 2018
I once danced with the devil,
The music drowning out all reason
Made it so much easier to be pulled into his embrace.

Holding me close,
I don’t even notice the way he burns me.

The way he treats my limits
As a ribbon cutting ceremony,
Just an opportunity to open something new.

The steps quicken,
I don’t know how to keep up,
But I feel this weird obligation to try anyways.

He once told me he didn’t like my rings.
That the twirling of my jewelry must have been the reason
I didn’t listen properly.
I learned to sit with my ***** hands facing the sky.
Learned to say sorry before hello or goodbye.

So many times I knew I wasn’t the only one in his sights,
But he always managed to flip the script.

It was my fault,
I’m the one who ‘wouldn’t sleep with him properly.’
I’m the one who ‘acted like I didn’t need him constantly’,
I ‘ignored him’
As if a man like that doesn’t get enough attention.
As if abandoning my dreams to tend to his nightmares
Didn’t count as a whole *** intervention.

The best thing he ever did for me was leave.

I learned to cool
Without missing his heat.
Learned to pretend as if my fingers
Have never brushed against the flames
From when he so badly wanted to be inside of me.
From when he tried to convince me that he could fill the empty space,
And that without him I was only empty space.


I wrapped my heart in caution tape,
And dressed my wounds in pride.

I was no longer stuck to end of his pitchfork,
I had made it out alive.
I was the one that got away,
And he still tries to call to tell me he wishes he stayed.

Sometimes the wind carries the scent of cologne mingling with cigarette smoke,
And I shutter,
All of a sudden forced to remember something,
I worked so hard to forget.

He wanted my soul.
I just wanted to dance and
I didn’t realize my mistake and
almost was sold,
But instead I’m forever out of his hands.
Daisy Oct 2018
After sending yet another 10 second video of my feet crunching through trails of leaves,
I apologize for being annoying.
This is the second time in the last week I’ve shot this same take,
A modern day “wish you were here” postcard on repeat.

“What?” he says  “Not at all, you’re so cute”

I feel my resolve break to a million pieces beneath my foot
as if the tree branch above me shed it too.

The first person who reminds you what it’s like to be excited for the morning
Is like the crisp air of fall.
Easy to breathe,
just sharp enough to remind you it’s new.
And maybe fleeting.

But then again maybe he’ll linger.
Everything else about him
Is opposite of the last man who made my heart race.
Which is how I know I’m not being ******.  

He pauses between flirts,
Moves his hand slowly when he’s near me,
Casually asks for reassurance,
That it’s okay that he touches me,
That I’m okay with him liking me.

I’ve never been treated with tenderness like this,
I got used to being crushed between teeth,
But he holds my name soft on his tongue
As if savoring the taste.  

When the man from the past
Finds my number once again,
I start to shake.
I can’t tell if I’m angry or afraid,
And then I remember the leaves,
And the chill of the breeze,
And my cold fingers find their way to the block button.

“I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.” he says.
Daisy Sep 2018
The Greeks say that when the King of the Dead
Laid his eyes on Persephone for the first time,
He was struck by her innocence,
Her simple beauty as she tended to flowers.

He lured her in with an enchanted daffodil,
And when she drifted towards the small petals,
The earth opened its **** mouth,
Swallowing the child upon Hades orders.  

She may have been the first,
But there’s no such thing as a last.

Girls have grown up seeing the look in men's eyes,
When they realize how
Fragile.
How his heart softens when he sees her.
As though her innocence
Could cure him of his sickness.

As if breathing her bubble gum air
Will somehow make his life pop.
The ends of her bows tying knots
Helping him keep his **** together,


She becomes a savior
Before old enough to become a woman

He wears her like a bruise,
Privately poking as to see the shift in hues,
But in public who would have known.
They also say that her mother, Demeter, went mad
When she couldn’t find her daughter.
And even more so when she did find where she was.  

The Goddess of Agriculture killing the crops she planted,
Starving the people she created,
Raising **** up in the heavens.
Her anger was said to scare Zeus himself.

So when you,
As a man in your friends passenger seat,
Decide to open the earth,
And allow it to swallow somebody’s child whole,
How mad do you think her mother would be?
**** it, how mad would YOUR mother be?

I wonder if you have a sister,
And if you heard the way strangers speak to her on the street,
Would you still be laughing?
I wonder if you can smile more.
I wonder where you’re headed looking like that.
I wonder who mislead you.
Who taught you that this is what means to be man.
Who forced the human out of you.
Mother Nature was willing to destroy the world due to one monster who felt entitled.
What makes you think she’ll spare you?

I wish we could go back to that field,
Back to when Persephone was chasing her friends,
Before the flowers wilted from her disappearance.
Before the six pomegranate seeds that bound her to the underworld every six months.

I at least wish we could tell her that
One day, she’ll grow up.
She’ll move as far away from the past as she can get.
She will bloom,
And smile again.
Her roots stronger from the wind.
And Spring will fill the air as she passes by.
And he,
Will spend all of eternity burning in the fire she sparked.
Daisy Sep 2018
You were a foreign concept,
Before I crossed your threshold my passport was stamped with
The loneliness that only accompanies temporary rooms.

I was a small,
And distrusting girl who had never felt solid ground beneath her.
The Earth’s platelets separating me further from normality
At the beginning of each month.

Black trash bags of my belongings littered the grass of every previous rest stop,  
And I thought you would be just like the others.
It was only a matter of time.

You learn not to get comfortable,
Not to unpack the baggage that you grew up developing,
And who knew somebody so young could have so much ******* baggage.

We walked the streets with it dangling from our shoulders,
I was little, and felt like Santa.
Only I didn’t much like that man, he always seemed to leave us out.
Mommy taught us that most men are like that.
They promise all sorts of things,
And then wonder why you’re upset when your hands are empty.

What mommy didn’t teach us,
Is that it wasn’t anybody’s fault but hers.
She didn’t explain that most mothers don’t disappear for days.
Or that they don’t lock themselves in rooms with torches
And men who can’t look me in the face.

She didn’t prepare me for the days that I would have you.

You.
You saw more of my growth than she ever did,
Within your walls I first able to be a kid.

At ten I painted almost every piece of furniture in my room
without my dad knowing,
And it didn’t feel like enough until I scribbled my name into the wall beside my bed.


Marking my territory like
“I WAS HERE”
“I AM HERE”
“Do you see me?”
“Is this real?”
“If I chain pieces of myself to every corner, they can’t make me leave, right?”

When I was twelve,
I invited my best friend over for the first time.
I had never had a place to hold sleepovers,
unless the vacancy in the shelter was gone,
And a stranger shared our room with us.

But you made me feel ordinary,
Like I had a place in the world,
And wow is that a big feeling for a little girl.

And then came fourteen,
The world seemed to crash around me,
And like every fourteen year old girl
I thought I knew love.

But when he turned out to be meaner than the streets,
You let me cry,
Barricaded behind your doors,
I felt safe.

I screamed so loud I could feel you shake,
The window panes glistening with rain,
I think you cried with me.

Sixteen,
And it was time to leave.
Our little family worked so hard for the opportunity to advance,
“Don’t worry kids, we’re going to a forever home, one that we can own”

I said **** that,
Sat on the floor until the last box left.
I never allowed myself to be planted somewhere,
But you stole the roots from my feet and tied them to your foundation.


Your walls had been drenched in my sorrows,
And in my joys.
I never would have guessed I’d meet you,
And I never realized how much I really needed you.

I’m eighteen now,
In college,
And still think about you some days.

I never got to thank you for your support that became my back bone.
It’s crazy how well you can pay attention in school when you actually have a home.

I’m here now,
And you’re there,
But you have to know
that I carry you with me everywhere.
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