my stomach is in knots
i keep searching and searching
rereading words and text
flipping through pages
unable to find the answer
to why?

why?

why what,
why i am like this
how can i stop it
was i made to be this way?
is this who i really am?
i don't want to be this
and i don't want to be me
but i can't find the reason why
and i have failed

my hands are shaking
and my throat is tight
my muscles are tense
and my stomach is in knots
and i have failed

i'm not the girl my mother wanted me to be
and i'm not sure how to find her
and i'm still here
searching and searching
rereading words and text
flipping through pages
unable to find the answer