Sometimes, you’d rather sit there and sob into eternity
Than feel a joyful ecstasy.
Your body wracked, your wit’s end is endless and you stay there indefinitely.
Looking over into the gorge, all you want is to throw yourself over, to give in to the pain and live out your days a hollow, hurting skeleton.
But you love the view too much to do it,
So you stand and you stare
Into the seabed of your tears
All the reasons why
And why not
And the could haves and should haves and days you hated yourself
The things you could not do, the times you were not perfect.
It is an ocean of self loathing full of salty, unrealistic expectation.
But in this sad desert, this raging storm, this churning sea – that is where you find it.
That is where it finds you.
Lying helpless on the ground, spent and shaking, eyes shut so tight they may never open again.
All I can feel is the rhythm of my tears pounding out the beat of my life force,
I want it to end,
I never want it to end.
And then one moment you’ve hit a wall
And the world falls away
And then I can feel it.
This tableau still laid out all around my, my hands touch earth and I find a plateau
And above me I can see it.
Myself.
The part of me that is most me, stand there waiting, strong and stoic and full of grace.
A weeping willow with arms outstretched, leaves twining together to lift me, safe, out of the storm.
Waiting to embrace this shivering mess of humanity it says,
“Come here, now, little one. All is not lost. Stay a while with me, you’ll see.”
It is in these moments where I find my strength.
When I hate it all so much that the clouds roll in and the air supply runs out,
When my constant, blessèd life turns into a string of cursed regrets
And good runs away
This is where it runs to.
If you wait long enough, it finds you on the edge
If you listen well enough, it will call you back from the places you wish didn’t exist
If you want it bad enough, you’ll never lose it
So long as you live, it will find you.
But you must live.