In the absence of your company
there are two things that happen

the first:
I miss you terribly
as I remember the little things that you used to do
the way your hair was always perfect
except for those moments when it was a perfect mess
you hated it then but I loved the imperfection.

I loved you when you thought you were unlovable
I loved you when you were a ball of nerves, a wreck of insecurities
because I saw you then
the person you were trying to be and the person you really were
if you’d only let yourself be.

In those moments I wanted to just grab you by your delicate hip bones and pull you closer
to tell you that this was you, and you are beautiful
in spite of the bite marks on your knuckles and the bruises that covered your young heart.

I would have held you tight like a bandaid
I would have blanketed you in kisses to chase away the pain
I would have bandaged your bloodied stumps with my words
and caressed your amputated soul.

I would have made you smile so often
people would think it was tattooed on your face
because your smile was magik
the way it started at the corners of your mouth
and travelled up to your eyes
like waves breaking and crashing on the shore
you caused a tsunami in my heart
and I’ll admit, I still feel you in my bones, like an aftershock once in a while.

I miss the way your eyes would wander to my mouth as you watched me speak
sometimes I got so self conscious wondering what you saw in me.

And remember that time you just had to feel me close to you
that you hugged me so tight and wouldn’t let go
do you remember because I will never forget.

I asked what was wrong and you said you felt needy and just had to feel some skin on your skin
that was the easiest you ever loved me because all I had to do was stand there
maybe that was the most honest you ever loved me
or was that you giving me hints that you were slowly leaving
was that the long goodbye?

I guess I’ll never know.
I bought into the promises born in your heart that died on your lips.

Remember the time you couldn’t keep your hands off me
when words were an inadequate commodity
insufficient at conveying how we both felt about each other
it was more hands and touching than words and talking.

In the absence of your company
there are two things that happen

the second:
I hate you
I hate how you make me feel
like I wasn’t good enough for you
and I hate that you made me believe I could have been.

When did it become so hard
when did wanting someone become such a chore
I was working my *** off trying to be worthy of you
and although love takes no prisoners
of all the people out there
I never thought it would be you

to drive that stake through my heart
and twist it just so I knew you meant it.

I hope you know your leaving has left tears like a junkies tread marks staining my cheeks
it would have been so easy to make me yours
in fact I guess I was
you had me wrapped around your fingers
around the poetry you wrote
I danced with every syllable and alphabet
twirling at your every whim and desire.

I’d have gone to hell for you if you asked me to
but I was never riding shotgun on your little adventure
it was more like me running 5 steps behind you
waiting for you to turn your head a little so I could catch a glimpse of your face
and when you did it felt as if the sun was shining on me
I didn’t realise you were turning back for someone else.

I guess you cheated us both
the difference is that you didn’t choose me
and a loser is a loser not matter who the competition is
in a court of Kings I was the arrogant Jester
and you choose your Queen among the royals.

Hidden under your shadow I was catching crumbs from your table
until you were no longer hungry
and I was left to starve.

In the absence of your company, a third thing happens:
I learn to be strong
I learn to survive
I learn to get along
and I’m getting along just fine
… well maybe not “just” fine but I’m getting along.

It doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t still skip a beat when I see your face
or that my stomach doesn’t fill with butterfly’s at the mention of your name
I still freeze for a moment, a deer caught in headlights.

But these days when I fall asleep it’s no longer to the rhythm of a broken heart
I lit a fire and set our memory ablaze
in fact, there are times I go whole days without you traipsing all over the dying embers of us
kicking up memories and stirring up emotions.

And I may not be the same old me
but I’m not who I used to be
and in those twilight moments when you get lonely and want to revisit the memory of us
before you send me a text at 3 in the morning
why don’t you flip your pillow over to the cooler side
and hold your friend tight
because that could’ve been us
but you chose someone else.