I was finding myself sleepless more often
And I was searching for something
A poem to write; words to scribble down; people to ****; joys to scatter…
Hopes to crush, maybe

Time to heal
Maybe not
Time to run away
Time to cope?
…

My heart crumbled into just the ***** pumping blood around my body;
like play, like something rehearsed;
completely like my life – structured and thought-over

I kept looking up at the ceiling and the light of my computer
All these ‘I’s and no ‘you’s
I was finding myself going mad, over you – the missing part
The music I played turned into cries for help
The lines I wrote were messy battlefields of abandonment and desperation
And I hated myself for it

All these news on my twitter timeline, and one new reply
All these people I live with and don’t know
These incomprehensible ****** expressions in the crowd; that piercing sound
All these faces I need to rehearse before leaving the bathroom
All these subjects and this language I can’t speak
Quick, back to the bathroom. I’m losing it

Don’t just think about yourself
Now, fall down to the floor like they do in the movies

Cry

It’s not as cool as in the movies – not as glamorous
Now, dry your tears, rise and breathe normally

For God’s sake then – just hold your breath
Let me count to a thousand
No, **** it
I don't want to do it

“Drink up and it’ll be better”
No, no
It get’s worse
The headaches and how I can’t walk straight – how is that better?

We’ll try again:
“He’s a *****.” “Yeah, I know.”
I still think he’s a good guy

But he’s not the problem
The problem is me;
and what he made me realise I am

Scream

I confess
Let me through, judge
Please
Yes, I swear to tell the truth and all of that now

It’s inside me
The monster is inside me
The sleepless nights; the endless poems and the tears hitting white unwritten papers
Judge, I have these convictions
“So you are a psychopath?”
No

(I hope I’m not)

I’m just a poor creature
I just think, and my thoughts are written down
I try, your honour
I try to stop them – try to fight them
But the words are law to me now

I do know they are not true
But I have been researching this field for my PhD thesis, you see
I have been finding no objections to my thesis
So I had to drop out and give up
It’s true
What the law has written

Your honour, I wish I could say it’s not true
But thus far, I have ended up alone
I have not been as good as I hoped

I feel no relation to people and my face has froze this way
I know I smile, and I know I laugh, and I know I talk
But I don’t understand

There is no one in the courtroom
But myself
There's just me - staring at myself
These are just mirrors
So I guess it’s true
The mirrors break

Scream

I’m walked out
In chains
To keep staring up at the ceiling
Keep staring at myself
Mirrors

Scream

I’m sorry I used up all my faith on coincidences
That time would heal wounds
Time is a punishment and time is all we have
Time and minds make us all go mad

In my eyes I am still my own hero
Still on a quest to find
safety, confidence and self-worth

Do it then
If you think that’s so impossible
Break a few other mirrors and see if anyone can hear them break

Scream

**5.06.14