you, with your scarless skin & healthy limbs,
breath unhindered by ash & smoke,
you don’t quite understand
the ways i like to bleed.  i am not my own
anymore.  so many moons have come & gone
since i last belonged to myself.  maybe i’m
a mess of me.  maybe my kisses sometimes taste
like melancholy
& remind you of a pain you’ve long since
forgotten.

but the tides are turning with my name
spelled in sea foam.  this time, i’m no longer
losing.  i can trace my healing wounds
through the rough fabric of my jeans
& no longer try
to cut them back open.  these nights
there is no salty slick of tears
staining my cheeks, no liquor lingering
on my tongue.  winter is passing, & finally
i am thawing.

my palms tremble
with the weight of your presence,
safely held in my heart.  you are
a rainstorm threatening to drown me &
i don’t want to have to survive you.
i have lived enough loss to know i’m ready
for the good days.
you & i are not just sunshine & flowers, but
the thought of you is forever burned into my brain,
always occupying,
always there.
darling, i love you endlessly & know
i’m yours.