I feel bad
Catching my own reflection
Trapping it with my eyes
Because hey
I hate it enough when you all do it.

Only, the difference is,
I see through this guise,
Know the dark secrets,
Have seen all the ugliness
And by god
I just
Hate it
I hate being looked at
watched
I wish I was invisible.
Because
All I ever wanted to be
Was nothing
But even when you’re ‘nothing’
They can still see you
Even though they see ‘nobody’

But the really funny part
Is that
I have
The hardest time
Even considering myself
Alive
Real
In existence
If I’m not ’visible.’  
Maybe I wasn’t created
To exist on this plane.

So I write
I write and I hammer away
At this keyboard
Like a contractor trying
Desperately
To repair this ramshackle house
To fix it without
Ruining the foundations
So fully
That it crumbles.

Because, in many ways,
I’m in active decay.
You never know what’s
On fire or broken
And sometimes
You’ll find carcasses
In unexpected places
Because these
‘Skeletons’
Keep crawling under my bed
While I toss and turn
And sneaking out of closets
While I write to you.

Because if home
Is where the heart is,
Then where did mine go?

And suddenly
I don’t know what to do
Because suddenly
I’m not fine and
I’m learning how to speak again
But I’m still so trivial
And inaudible
And I barely exist.
No, no,
Really, I’m fine
I’m fine
Please don’t touch me
I’ll hate it or I’ll like it too much.
Please don’t look at me
Please pretend that I’m not here
Because your attention will
Make me even smaller
And soon
I’ll really be nothing.